I lost weight... but I still...

Siege_Tank

I lost weight, but I still have the same psychological issues inside my head, rattling around. I grew up with a father who didn't like himself. He was never good enough (for his dad), and he has spent his life trying to gain *his* father's respect and affection. In the same way my dad passed that on to me, treating me like I couldn't do anything right, and that I was always just a half a step away from doing it right, but never quite good enough.

Through my childhood, going through school, I never knew what to do with that hurt and frustration, the idea that no matter how hard I tried, I lacked the ability to do something right. I was loud, obnoxious, outspoken, and annoying to the kids in my class. Couple how I felt with a raging case of ADD, and I was simply medicated and pushed through the system, never making any friends, trying my best to get through it without everyone hating me.

Fast forward to today, I learned how to filter a lot of what comes into my head, to be selective about what I say, and how to feed people positive energy to make them feel amazing. I love giving, making someone feel amazing or giving them an awesome taste of a great meal, the smile from their face makes me feel spectacular, like I made that happen.

The problem is, none of it is for me. I give all my positive energy away, hoping that the love I give out is returned to me from others - in kind of a "if I bust my *kitten* for them, they'll do the same for me" thing. The problem is a lot of people don't return the kindness. I give people respect and love regardless of whether or not they deserve it, and yet I expect them to be nice people.

The long and the short of it is, I don't *believe* that I'm a good person. I KNOW that I am, but I still try and do as much as I can to make other people happy, no matter how it makes me feel. Most days I can fake it, "eff yes! I'm AWESOME", but the truth is, it tastes a lie to say it.

I hated how I looked, and I let the hatred fuel my workouts and my eating habits. I learned how to count, I lost 50 pounds, I've achieved greatness. not everyone can lose 25% of their bodyweight, and yet I still don't really bask in the glory of accomplishment and wonder, of pride and self congratulation. I still don't know what to say to people when they give me the "WOW! you look great!"

I've got 15 pounds to go. I *know* I'll get there, I just don't want to achieve my goal and be the same "un-self-loving" person that sits here tonight and types this. If I don't fix the original problem, then I'll have gotten nowhere. Just another guy posting pictures of his ripped physique with the head chopped off, because psychologically, even though he looks hot, he still doesn't BELIEVE that he's good enough.

How do you change the way you believe things? I see how people act and how they treat me and take that as evidence of how good I am. The problem is that leaves me at the mercy of EVERYONE else for my sense of self worth, and more often than not, people are negative. I'm calling around asking about hypnotherapy, seeing if that won't work. I *know* what the broken part is, I know what needs fixed, I just don't know what button to push to make me love myself, forgive myself, accept myself that I am, at my core, good enough.

I've asked bunches of therapists this question, and they all seem baffled that I have my question so well refined, so well pinpointed. Their advice is always in line with the kind of answer a personal trainer gives to the question "how do you lose weight?"

"You just do", they say. You make up your mind, you find determination and motivation, and you put in the hard work that it takes.

In thinking about it, my question really is how do you insulate yourself from a**holes, how does someone as sensitive as I am get over mistakes and errors that I will make in the future, without feeling like a failure? How can I overcome a fear of telling people no, I'm afraid that if I speak up and demand respect, they will say or think something along the lines of "You know, I was ok with you at first when you were being all nice, but now that you're not giving me positive energy, I don't need you. You can go be by yourself again."

I tried not to make it a novel, but it's the one question I've never been able to answer or get a handle on. It's the one piece I'm missing, I have feigned self esteem, and when the underlying self acceptance is there, that pretended self esteem will turn into real self esteem..

For the people who went TL;DR, here's a gif of cats pelvic thrusting:

itsscottwilder

1. Have you reconciled/forgiven your dad?

You can't move on until you tie up the loose ends. Have you made a peace with the demons in your past?

JDHINAZ

Holy cow, are we related? Here's what I've had to do.

1. talk to myself. Tell myself that I'm accomplished. I'm smart. I'm caring. And that I'm the kind of person I'd like to be friends with.
2. Become friends with myself. And treat myself how I treat my friends. How do you treat your friends? Well, you praise them when they've accomplished something. You support them when they're struggling, and you forgive them when they've done something wrong, or not as well as you hoped. (Self forgiveness is really hard, but crazy important)
3. Acknowledge and even embrace my shortcomings. Why? Because I'm human! It's amazing how good we can make ourselves appear to other people. It's taken a long time to realize that everyone has faults and frailties. But some people are so good at hiding them, that I thought I was just so much more flawed than them. Turns out, I'm not. It's just that I know my flaws, and I thought everyone else knew mine, too. It really evens the playing field when you realize we're all in the same boat with a level of self doubt. The trick is to repeat number 1, because we all have our positive traits, too.
4. And yes, sometimes you have to DECIDE that you're going to be happy and self loving. BTW, this can take months, maybe years. And there may be set backs. But you know the phrase "fake it till you make it"? It's that. Do it. Do all these things above. One day, you'll believe you are worthy of your respect, not because you've tricked yourself, but because it's true.

If you've surrounded yourself with takers, find some mutually supportive friends. You also deserve to surround yourself with people who want to give you their support. Two way street.

Hey, this is your journey, but I've only met you on MFP and can already tell you're worthy of your own self respect, love, and forgiveness. But you have to get yourself there. Sometimes, we have to decide to leave the past behind. If we don't, were giving ourselves an excuse to remain unhappy. It's not easy, but it can be within our control. Continue to seek help of you need it, but keep on trying.

I'd put another gif, here, but I don't know how. So picture a cat kicked back on a couch with a beer and his paw on the remote.

Take care, Tank! I'm rooting for ya!

BinaryPulsar

How can I overcome a fear of telling people no, I'm afraid that if I speak up and demand respect, they will say or think something along the lines of "You know, I was ok with you at first when you were being all nice, but now that you're not giving me positive energy, I don't need you. You can go be by yourself again."

For the first part of the question (not quoted here), you need to learn to not be so tough on yourself. Learn to forgive yourself for all the "mistakes" you think you have made and will make. Because everyone will always be making mistakes. I understand because I'm very hard on myself also. And when we grow up in an unstable childhood, maybe we don't learn that life skill in the way we needed to. That's what I think. So, you need to teach yourself, do it, heal, move forward. Accept that there will always be times when you have difficult feelings, but you can handle it and move forward.

And for the second part that I quoted here. No one is going to think or say that. Most people don't want friends that are all positive all the time. Because that's not real. People want to be friends with real, genuine people. And particularly when we love someone (whatever the relationship is, not just romantic) we want to hear their thoughts, feelings, struggles. We want to be there for the people that we are close to. Because we all know that people struggle with stuff.

LavenderBouquet

I really appreciate your post, though I have no useful advice for you unfortunately. I am quite in the same boat as you mentally and emotionally, and really want to see what others have to say about these kinds of issues. My self-esteem and ego are in the dumps, and I just can't seem to crawl my way out. Here's to figuring this out :flowerforyou:

EmmaOnTrack

Bumping as I'm interested in the response.

Thank you for sharing such an intimate and compelling part of yourself.

I have no words of wisdom but have come away from reading your story feeling very grateful that I haven't had to endure a similar life-long struggle. Despite having a turbulent childhood and never being the prettiest, skinniest, smartest, sportiest, most popular, best ANYTHING I've always thought I'm a decent, worthy human being and generally pretty cool.

Here's hoping you get the answers you need and can come join me in an orgy of self-appreciation. :flowerforyou:

farrellcat

You need to practice saying "no". You need to practice standing up for yourself. You need to practice NOT being a pushover. Then you look back at the times that you stood your ground and realize that the world did not end. .No one was offended, and you actually had some power in making a decision that was of you own choosing and not based on how others would feel. You just do it. People know a pushover when they see one. . You aren't supposed to "demand respect". Respect is earned. People respect others who respect themselves and who are genuine in their actions. You need to act "as if". Act as if you know what you want. Act as if you have courage. Act as if you are good enough. Act as if you are a success. I'm not saying TALK as if...I'm saying ACT as if. Do something that takes courage. Do something good for someone that YOU choose to do. Say no to something you do not want to do. Seriously, how long are you going to let your dad's horrible parenting ruin your life. He's had his day. He's done. Get in control. Anyone who can loose 51 pounds has grit and determination. Sign up for a 5K. Volunteer...DO something.
When people say you look great say "thank you, I appreciate that" or "thank you, it feels good to hear you say that" Be proud!!

BinaryPulsar

I agree with practicing saying no. That was something my husband (boyfriend at the time) pointed out to me (when I was a lot younger than I am now), and he helped me practice by asking me things that I could say no to (things that I would obviously want to say no to, and it was fun and funny).

Ivey05131980

Hey, Stranger....(((hugs)))

ummommyme

Oh dear, you need to let go of the guilt and forgive yourself. You need to forgive your dad as well. It doesn't mean you forget because you can't and shouldn't. It means you realize that your father was hard on you because you were supposed to be what he wasn't in his own head. You help me remember why I have to think about things when i'm hard on my oldest daughter. She often falls short and it's her own doing unfortunately. Though she has other mental problems. But I can't even say a correction about something she does or says without her taking it personally. Even though all I was doing was correcting her, no ill will or nastiness to it. We ALL MAKE MISTAKES-NOONE IS PERFECT!!!! I grew up and changed and forgave things in my past. I learned from everything and am still learning. Keep reminding yourself you wouldn't treat a friend that way, you shouldn't treat you that way. God made you and loves you. I pray a lot and give up my problems to God's shoulders. I don't want friends that can't be honest around me. Have some faith in your friends and the ones that are worth it will still be around. It just takes time. I don't always think it's about telling yourself how great you are all the time rather how human you are and you will do your best today and go to sleep and do your best for that day to. Even though your best may not be as "good" as the other day it's just the best you can do today.

anemoneprose

Yes, it's important that you understand the past, that you appreciate the dynamics that formed you. Insight helps, sure.

But I am increasingly convinced that action and behaviour and situation do more to materially change your feeling about yourself, your sense of your life, your power. I think that helps people more than digging around in the past.

The problem is, of course, how do you get from feeling trapped, to connecting with the potential you have? You have potential, an innate energy (even biological); you have gifts you could nurture.

I have experienced tremendous change by changing my situation. I swear to you, moving cities did more for me than years of therapy. At the very least, go for a holiday. We are often trapped by our surroundings and can't imagine anything beyond the horizon.

Also: if everything around you is squashing you, the first thing to do is, eliminate some of the squashing, so you can breathe and see a bit more. Try to reduce the impact of at least one of the squashers.

Next: whenever you feel a little bit of spontaneous joy or strength, follow it! Follow pleasure in your life! Even if it seems silly and small, or not grown-up or inappropriate. (Ok, I am talking legal things here, but I mean, if you pass a swingset in a park and you just want to sit in that sucker and swing, GO FOR IT.)

Joyful moments will lift your mood enough so you can see things differently, and have experiences that open you to something other than the webby stuff in your head. Follow these moments, as often as you can. At least a couple of times a week, give yourself a chance to do something fun, joyful, something you love or just like. Follow the hints in your responses to things, even if they are not very strong at first.

If there is a skill you are or were proud of, and have not used, pick it up again. If there's something you've always wanted to try, try it. The things you are good at: do more of them.

All these things will help you feel more alive and in your body and yourself.

i really HIGHLY recommend you consume these media:

On taking a powerful pose (it works! quick hack):

http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html

On believing in growth and the possibility of change:

http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Success-Carol-Dweck/dp/0345472322/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1378436243&sr=1-1

On self-efficacy (it's called Self-Efficacy. It's by an official genius, who brilliantly married ideas in learning, personality, and social environment):

http://www.amazon.com/Self-Efficacy-Exercise-Control-Albert-Bandura/dp/0716728508/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1378436308&sr=1-1&keywords=bandura

On finding your strengths:

http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

tldr: Do something different, do something fun.

anemoneprose

And defo oh yes on boundaries and stopping trying to please people, you must do that!

I know you've mostly talked about other people's responses to you. You could work in a focused way on social skills/assertiveness training, or other interpersonal issues, in therapy. (vs depression or anxiety)

But I think a lot of that stuff can fall away pretty easily, when you find your strengths, which has a way of putting you near the right kind of people for you, and in the right situation.

Panda_Rolls

I love the Oatmeal! I believe in the Blerch! I did actually read the whole post, or at least most of it. I've recently had a mental shift and I'm still not sure how I did it. I felt like you, I was always beating myself up over every little thing. I think one day I'd just had enough, I'd had enough of feeling like crap. For me the working out and losing weight has helped tremendously, I wish I had some really amazing magical advice for you that would fix it instantly. It's ok to say no and it's ok to be selfish once in a while. I even found that people seemed to actually like me better when I let myself be a little more selfish and speak a little more freely. Only weirdos want to be surrounded by yes men. I can say with quite a bit of certainty that you won't be instantly abandoned and all alone if you stand up for yourself, there is a big difference between expecting respect and being a huge jerk. I don't know if anything I've said helps at all but I wish you luck in figuring it out!

Siege_Tank

Holy cow, are we related? Here's what I've had to do.

1. talk to myself. Tell myself that I'm accomplished. I'm smart. I'm caring. And that I'm the kind of person I'd like to be friends with.

If you've surrounded yourself with takers, find some mutually supportive friends. You also deserve to surround yourself with people who want to give you their support.

I've surrounded myself with no one though. I have friends, people I care about, but I am always in a guarded stance, if that makes sense. I try to engineer my life not to ever have to rely on others, because others have almost always let me down. Not that I'm not willing, I just feel like people see me, and they don't understand that I'm a wounded puppy, just trying to find love (not just romantically).

But your sentiment is right. Act as if ye have faith and faith shall be given to you. You just don't know when it will be given I love you too

No one is going to think or say that. Most people don't want friends that are all positive all the time. Because that's not real. People want to be friends with real, genuine people. And particularly when we love someone (whatever the relationship is, not just romantic) we want to hear their thoughts, feelings, struggles. We want to be there for the people that we are close to. Because we all know that people struggle with stuff.

You know, that's a revelation for me.. most people don't want Mr unending sunshine.. they just want the real you, if they like you and want to be friends. I'm gonna have to digest that a bit

Siege_Tank

You need to practice saying "no". You need to practice standing up for yourself. You need to practice NOT being a pushover. Then you look back at the times that you stood your ground and realize that the world did not end. .No one was offended, and you actually had some power in making a decision that was of you own choosing and not based on how others would feel. You just do it. People know a pushover when they see one. . You aren't supposed to "demand respect". Respect is earned. People respect others who respect themselves and who are genuine in their actions. You need to act "as if". Act as if you know what you want. Act as if you have courage. Act as if you are good enough. Act as if you are a success. I'm not saying TALK as if...I'm saying ACT as if. Do something that takes courage. Do something good for someone that YOU choose to do. Say no to something you do not want to do. Seriously, how long are you going to let your dad's horrible parenting ruin your life. He's had his day. He's done. Get in control. Anyone who can loose 51 pounds has grit and determination. Sign up for a 5K. Volunteer...DO something.
When people say you look great say "thank you, I appreciate that" or "thank you, it feels good to hear you say that" Be proud!!

I kowtow to your response.

By engaging in the activities and actions that I would respect myself for, I will gain the respect of others. The problem last night/today was I didn't act in a manner that I would respect. I'm too hard on myself. I need to keep in mind that tomorrow is another day, and the opportunities and possibilities for achievement may well be limitless..

You're right. He's had his day. As much as you want to look to your Fathers as this towering giant of a person, incapable of failure, you want to see him as GOD, he isn't. And if he isn't worthy of your respect, you shouldn't try and gain his in a frivolous attempt at acceptance - particularly when he is incapable of giving it.

qtgonewild

ever heard of codependants anonymous?

snapdoodle3

i to really enjoy making others happy and doing for others.very few do for me or make me happy..thats why i came to mfp for support and motivation..i think im in the right place..thanks for being here mfp..this time im ready to complete this journey..im feeling you..

Howdoyoufeeltoday

whether a person is a failure or not I think lots of ppl get so used to calling themselves failures it becomes a comfort to them. Least I feel im like that. it's so much easier to give into the thought that you're a failure then to actually get up every morning and be optimistic and positive. it's like you sink into a hole and you want to get out but you don't know how. So you stay there a little while and the longer you stay there the more you get used to it. till one day you want so bad to get out but you're just to comfortable feeling miserable that you don't even bother to try. you can give all of yourself away and you know you shouldn't but you do because you're scared to be abandoned. But what good are tons of ppl if no one knows the real you, if you cant even be true to you.

Lots of ppl say just do it. You make an effort little by little, say positive things to yourself and you just do it. but I believe your question isn't how to change your mentality and how to say no to ppl but why. Why should you suddenly feel good about yourself when you haven't for so long? Why should you say no to ppl who seem to be content with accepting your support if it means risking them walking away? why should you put your peace of mind and happiness above everyone else for a change? Why should you be happy with what you've accomplished instead of fearing the mistakes you have yet to make and regretting the mistakes you've already made? I can't answer these questions for you but I know that for me my answer is because I CAN.

It might sound stupid but there are so few situations and choices in this life that we can truly control and if you wake up one morning and say "I want to say no but I can't because I don't want to let them down" well then your giving up your right to a choice. A choice that will benefit you in the long run. There are always risks and there are always regrets but when you ask yourself "why should I try something if ill only fail" the answer that may just get you out of bed is because you can. it's your right. You're allowed to put yourself first sometimes and be happy with who you are. you're allowed to make mistakes and learn lessons from them. You're allowed to say no. Some days you'll choose to hide and fall back into old patterns and fear what you cannot control but the more you tell yourself that they're choices you can make the more you'll believe that your happiness is up to you.

Maybe you'll find a different reason as to why you should stop hating on yourself so much and put yourself first, i'm just giving you my thoughts. I think what you need to tell yourself the most is it's ok to fail and it's ok to disappoint people and its ok to disappoint yourself sometimes. and in all your attempts at not trying so hard to fail you might find some success like you already have with your weight loss. I wish you the best of luck with your continued weight loss and your search for balance in life.

jurisdrgirlfriend

I may be off base about this, but it seems to me that all of these different threads (paternal rejection/criticism, attention-seeking behavior as a kiddo, need to please others even at one's own expense, doing things for others in anticipation of their validation/reciprocation, over-reliance on others opinions of you, etc.) seem to drill down to your own sense of worthiness. Let me assure you that THAT is a tough issue for most (if not all) of us. Hopefully there is some small comfort in realizing that you are part of the group, and I think that the folks here have made some good suggestions. I would also really recommend you check out the TED talks by Brene Brown, to give you something to chew on mentally. She has some good books as well, but the talks are free:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

The titles may look odd, but she is a really authentic, data-based speaker, and I think these topics might resonate with you. They certainly did with me. Good luck, mister.

wild_wild_life

That is a really good question. What standard are you holding yourself up against? What could you do, accomplish or be that would be "good enough"?

The problem isn't you, it's the entire concept of "being good enough" or setting any arbitrary standard to judge yourself against. Be who you are. There's no good or bad, there's just who we are.

Everyone else is just like you, struggling to be accepted, faking it half the time. Their judgements are also imperfect. Don't give them the power to affect the way you feel about yourself.

dinglekerri

“All the external adoration, respect and adulation in the word, can't drown out the internal voices that tell us, we are not good enough and unworthy of; happiness, love and an abundant life. When we need others to tell us were amazing, worthy and lovable, in order to feel good about ourselves, it is never enough. It goes into the bottomless pit where our inherent self-worth should be. It may feel like we are reaching out to receive love, but in actuality, we are seeking external noise to help drown out our negative core beliefs.

Love blossoms from the inside out. That is why it is so important to do the work necessary to heal our emotional wounds, to love ourselves and stand strong in who we are. Only then, are we truly free to give and receive love, unconditionally and in abundance.”
― Jaeda DeWalt