I lost weight... but I still...

enchantedgardener

I read your post and it echoes a lot of the challenges I have faced.

One of the things I'm hearing you say is that you're willing to go out of your way to do kind things for others, but that kindness is not always reciprocated and this hurts you. And it sounds like maybe you give others more support and care than perhaps you give yourself.

I have struggled with this myself. The absolute best advice I ever got was to read the following book:

BOUNDARIES by Dr. Henry Cloud

I can't say enough great things about this book. It has totally changed the way I feel about myself and the way I relate to others. Now, my one caveat is that Dr. Cloud is a Christian counselor and the book is written from that perspective. I'm an atheist and was unsure how useful the book would be to me because of this. Let me say that you do not need to share the author's faith to gain a ton of valuable insight from this book. I recommend it to everyone because it is such a powerful and life-changing read.

Siege_Tank

Maybe this isn't the right advice. But, it does seem you have a lot of all or nothing thinking and going to extremes. What I mean is why do you need to be so great? That may be why you feel such a fall through the extremes. What about just being ok with being who you are, with all the strengths and flaws because that's what makes you who you are and it's human.

Indeed, I describe myself as having switches, as it were. I'm either on or off. Things are either black or white, right or wrong. I don't see much gray area.

Why do I feel the need to be so great? I just feel compelled, as if I attain some status, some great achievement, my father will finally like me. I *know* that it's never going to happen, you can't make someone feel differently, they have to decide for themselves how they will treat you. The nasty thing about it is that he's my father, you can't just dismiss him in the way that you might unfriend a D-bag on facebook.

I was severely abused as a child and I see the effects of abuse through the generations of my family, so it's something I've put thought into about being happy and healthy. Being abused and treated like worthless maybe causes some people to swing to extremes and thinking no less than greatness is ok. But, really we need to just be ok with ourselves as we are, at all times, in our dark moments and our great moments. And this is what opens us to having deep relationships with others. And this is what being fearless is because we don't turn away from the difficult stuff. We are just honest.

I guess what I mean is that if I was always telling myself how great I was and trying to build myself up, I wouldn't believe myself either. So, instead I accept when I feel I've fallen short and I'm happy when I do good. I try to see myself in a good way and I strive for better. But, being realistic means I can trust myself.

Oh god, this is so hard! I don't mean to sound like I'm arguing with anyone here, I love and appreciate all the insight and the different ways of thinking about this. That's why I posted this here, because I want everyone's opinion, maybe someone has a way of looking at it that I hadn't thought of before.

I'm not entirely sure what that would look like - being ok with myself as I am right now. I know what you're saying, and the sentiment sounds nice.. I'm just chewing on what you said. Be okay with yourself right now, but still be motivated to set goals and reach them..

*kitten*.. and I've used my hatred to fuel my motivation so far. Why do these mental issues have to be so intricate and intertwined and complex. I don't know how to want to be better without *not* being ok with where I currently stand, if that makes any sense. like, if I'm ok with myself, why would I change it at all?

unless the answer lies in wanting to change for a different reason than to feel like I'm good enough.. because there is no warm glow in being thin, you simply look good naked, it's an attribute like beautiful eyes. I've never heard anyone say that their gorgeous eyes made them feel better about themselves..

But then why do we allow our excess weight to cause us to feel bad and inadequate? Christ, it seems like the deck is stacked against us.

rowanwood

My advice? Fake it 'til you make it.

I fight that voice that tells me I suck EVERY DAY. I tell it to shut the hell up and pretend it isn't there. And just like any other bully, eventually, it gets quieter and quieter. I look forward to the day when it gives up.

LVCeltGirl

I totally relate to your story although I'm still fighting the fight as far as my weight is concerned. I have learned to be good enough for me and I'm still trying to bust the broken record I hear (childhood memories of what my mom said in anger, hence being a broken record) which is "you're fat, you're ugly and you won't amount to anything".

The advice for self-love instead of self-loathing (which will stop the people pleaser in you) that you've gotten so far is the same thing I'd say. Forgive your father for his shortcomings (and therefore you'll forgive yourself for your shortcomings). Wake up every morning and greet yourself (so maybe right before brushing your teeth, say HI like you would to a friend but to yourself in the mirror). You can also find positive mottos that you can write on the mirror to say outloud daily (such as "you're worth it" "you are loved" or anything you might say to pump someone else up), I'd say keep it to only one or two things. Your brain is kind of stupid in the sense that if you say things to it repetitively, it'll start thinking it's true. This is not a quick fix, it may be a couple of weeks before your trick yourself into believing it.

Keep up the good work, incorporate the "Fake it until you make it" attitude however works best for you and I know you'll reach your physical and mental goals.

BinaryPulsar

Maybe this isn't the right advice. But, it does seem you have a lot of all or nothing thinking and going to extremes. What I mean is why do you need to be so great? That may be why you feel such a fall through the extremes. What about just being ok with being who you are, with all the strengths and flaws because that's what makes you who you are and it's human.

Indeed, I describe myself as having switches, as it were. I'm either on or off. Things are either black or white, right or wrong. I don't see much gray area.

Why do I feel the need to be so great? I just feel compelled, as if I attain some status, some great achievement, my father will finally like me. I *know* that it's never going to happen, you can't make someone feel differently, they have to decide for themselves how they will treat you. The nasty thing about it is that he's my father, you can't just dismiss him in the way that you might unfriend a D-bag on facebook.

I was severely abused as a child and I see the effects of abuse through the generations of my family, so it's something I've put thought into about being happy and healthy. Being abused and treated like worthless maybe causes some people to swing to extremes and thinking no less than greatness is ok. But, really we need to just be ok with ourselves as we are, at all times, in our dark moments and our great moments. And this is what opens us to having deep relationships with others. And this is what being fearless is because we don't turn away from the difficult stuff. We are just honest.

I guess what I mean is that if I was always telling myself how great I was and trying to build myself up, I wouldn't believe myself either. So, instead I accept when I feel I've fallen short and I'm happy when I do good. I try to see myself in a good way and I strive for better. But, being realistic means I can trust myself.

Oh god, this is so hard! I don't mean to sound like I'm arguing with anyone here, I love and appreciate all the insight and the different ways of thinking about this. That's why I posted this here, because I want everyone's opinion, maybe someone has a way of looking at it that I hadn't thought of before.

I'm not entirely sure what that would look like - being ok with myself as I am right now. I know what you're saying, and the sentiment sounds nice.. I'm just chewing on what you said. Be okay with yourself right now, but still be motivated to set goals and reach them..

*kitten*.. and I've used my hatred to fuel my motivation so far. Why do these mental issues have to be so intricate and intertwined and complex. I don't know how to want to be better without *not* being ok with where I currently stand, if that makes any sense. like, if I'm ok with myself, why would I change it at all?

unless the answer lies in wanting to change for a different reason than to feel like I'm good enough.. because there is no warm glow in being thin, you simply look good naked, it's an attribute like beautiful eyes. I've never heard anyone say that their gorgeous eyes made them feel better about themselves..

But then why do we allow our excess weight to cause us to feel bad and inadequate? Christ, it seems like the deck is stacked against us.

We all find our own way and what works for us. If something I said can help you have some insight into that, then that's good. But, what works for me may not work for others. And I still have my own challenges, so the advice I give now may be different from advice I would give in a year from now.

You seem like a great person to me. And you are doing the work to figure this stuff out. We all have different issues in relation to our past, so I don't really know how to advise on the specifics of that. But, I wish you luck on your process of figuring this all out. Weight issues have not been an issue for me. I probably have some perfectionism tendencies when it comes to fitness and my body, maybe that's why I'm here on this site working on my optimum fitness. But, it's ok. I live my life in a healthy and happy way. I let fitness and health be a benefit in my life (and it helps me physically and emotionally). And I accept imperfections in myself. But, we are so much harder on ourselves than we ever would be on other people.

Maybe try and look at yourself as if you were on the outside viewing you going through this. What would you do and say for that person? What if you saw a child that was just like you when you were a child, what would you say or do for that child? And that's how you should treat yourself. That's what my husband says to me to do. It's much easier to see a situation in a realistic way if you are an outsider. For ourselves we tend to think from our childhood perspective of blaming ourselves when we were harmed.

You will get through this. You will come to a place of peace with your father. You work through the hurt, but eventually you accept that your father is human and he's not perfect. He made a lot of mistakes and he didn't do right for you, but you learn to accept him as he is with all of his limitations. I'm not saying it will be easy. There will always be challenges and difficult feelings that surface, but then you step away from him and you deal with those feelings on your own or with another loved one. You can't expect your Dad to change and be the Dad that you wanted. He is who he is. And he may have failed you as a parent, but now that you are an adult you learn to heal that and accept him with his limitations. He is just a wounded person as well. And you can break the cycles by healing yourself and not passing more hurt down to the next generation (if there is another generation), or just in your own life from this point forward.

anlu37

1. Have you reconciled/forgiven your dad?

You can't move on until you tie up the loose ends. Have you made a peace with the demons in your past?

I second this! I grew up with a dad that just didn't know how to give or accept approval. He also had some crazy substance abuse issues which fueled the dysfunction. I never found the courage to say no and accept and love who I am until I was able to forgive him for everything.

The forgiveness was without the need for the "I'm sorry." It was not about making him feel better or being ok with what went on. It was about letting go and not being willing to take that on as my burden any more. The sorrow that I felt for what my life could have been was lifted almost instantly and very quickly after that I became a more confident and self assured.

It seems to me like healing from this needs to come from two angles.

1. Spiritual. Letting go and being ok. The best ways I have found to do this is through writing in journals. I can collect my thoughts, process them and move on. It's awesome to write things down.

2. Correct the black and white "thinking errors". Have you ever had a therapist that has a Cognitive Therapy focus? I would recommend it. If you are done with the whole therapy thing, I would buy the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. It is something you can do on your own pretty easily if you are dedicated to it.

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1378504076&sr=1-1&keywords=new+mood+therapy

I would also recommend The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth by M Scott Peck

http://www.amazon.com/Road-Less-Traveled-Psychology-Traditional/dp/B000QYIPWA/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1378504141&sr=1-2&keywords=the+road+less+traveled+by+m+scott+peck

Both of these books have been super helpful for me.

Most of all, take time in your life for a little spiritual growth. Whatever that means to you, it will help.

RobynUnfiltered

If you don't have one already find a good therapist to help you work it all out, no shame in it.

gigglybeth

It's been a very long road for me, but I can totally relate. I had a lot of issues with my parents. A LOT. What helped me may not work for you, but this is what I did. I let myself get angry. Really, really angry. I felt it and stayed with it. I journaled a lot. It helped me to realize what I was looking for from my parents I just wasn't going to get. It was like being angry someone without legs couldn't walk. Acknowledging that black, bleak hole in me was a huge step in making peace with it. I think most people have it and just try to fill it up with different things- food, booze, sex, shopping, the internet, work, etc. When I acknowledged it, I also acknowledged that it was probably never going to go away and that gave me the power to find a way to work with it instead of it running my life for me.

Also, just accepting myself. I, too, thought I had to be exceptional. "Good enough" was far from good enough. I finally came to the conclusion that I wasn't ever going to be able to reach my own standards and it was killing me. Seeing good in others helped, as well. Not to sound corny (but I'm going to), I could see in most people this spark of awesome. I was not the one freak in the world outside of the truly evil who was born without that spark. So just kind of knowing it was there, even if I couldn't see it, made me feel a bit better. You know why people think you're a good person? Because you're a good person. Good people do dumb or less then perfect things, but it doesn't make them any less good. Accept the good with the bad.

I wore my fat like armor, because I could always blame my fat. "Oh they don't like me, because I'm fat." "I didn't get the job, because I'm fat." "He isn't attracted to me, because I'm fat." It's way harder to accept they didn't like me, I didn't get the job and he isn't attracted to me because of other reasons that *seem* more personal (but probably aren't). I had to convince myself that I can handle whatever is thrown my way and I don't need the armor anymore. It's still a hard battle, but it's doable. :-)

Siege_Tank

It's been a couple of days since my appointment with the hypnotherapist, and I wanted to take the time to really digest what happened to me on Wednesday after the appointment. I had a couple reservations about hypnosis and whether it actually works or not, and the results are in, for me anyways.

It works IF you're a person who is open to suggestion. If you're stubborn or don't want to go the places that hypnotherapy will take you, then you won't get much from it, much like I don't get a whole lot of warm fuzzies from steady state cardio - it's just not my thing.

However, I am a very suggestible person, and I was put under by the therapist. Your conscious is still present, you still have thoughts. You're very aware of everything around you, it's the state of dreaming when you are about to wake up, you KNOW you're in a dream, you can look around and have conscious thoughts, but there's something hazy still, and you can't remember it all after you wake.

From my years and years of therapy and self discovery, I knew that I needed to love myself, to believe that I was good enough. Oddly, the solution given to me by psychologists and psychiatrists alike was to say it multiple times a day to myself, aloud, over and over. Me not being a stickler for remembering things, I didn't have much luck with that. The idea is to backfeed the self love thought into your subconsciousness, saying it aloud will reprogram your brain through the power of positive thinking.

Essentially, in the hypnosis session, she accessed my subconscious directly, told me that it was ok for me to love myself, and all the feelings that I have for others should be given to myself as well. There's no deed in my past so horrible or so awful that can justify this level of self hatred. Allow yourself to see your inner worth, that you are capable, and strong, and driven, and the world will be your oyster.

It was as if I had been trying to convince myself that rain was wet, and in the back of my mind there was always doubt. But now, when I have any thought of how good I am, instead of "yeah, right.." All I hear is "*kitten* yeah you are." I'm looking at people in the eyes almost constantly now, I'm speaking up when someone says something or makes a cutting remark.

It's weird, I simply believe it. It's as if the evidence that my mind had been using to justify the hatred was proven false in a proof..

ereck44

This post really struck a chord with me, & I appreciate you sticking your neck out to share it... the only advice I have to offer is what has (& yes, it really HAS) worked for me:

Focusing solely on myself; (which includes my kids & work & house & pets & garden & hobbies)

I had to remove myself from all social ties (a lot of my friends were ungiving/toxic anyways), stop dating/having any non-professional dealings with opposite gender, throw out the TV (ya you heard me - get rid of the boob tube), quit surfing the net, facebook, etc. etc. and focus on really developing myself, my own interests & hobbies & life quality. Pretty extreme, yes, but I was in an extreme situation.

What I found within my own world, when I shut out the outside world, was a haven of relief, of freedom from anyone else's opinions or agendas... I never realized how oppressed I was by the need for approval until I forcibly liberated myself, & it felt f**ing miraculous!

Wow! What a beautiful and inspiring response!


I set the intention to do it for one full year... but I was just getting into the swing of really living one year in, so I figured I'd just stick with it for a while longer. Three & a half years later, I felt it was time to come out of my shell, I met the man of my dreams 6 months later (after a dozen+ first dates with very nice & attractive guys who just weren't "it") have made maybe half a dozen new really good friends, who are giving & positive & have interesting lives of their own; & just started training for a new position with better hours & pay; my kids are even doing soooooooooo much better & it's all because:

When you stop giving all your energy away cheap, & start putting it only into your own life & what benefits you; you start to really value yourself, your time & energy & happiness. Then after a while, (if you're anything like me, a looooooong while!) when you're ready to re-introduce outside elements, you only let in the really good ones, the ones that are worth giving up a piece of your haven for.

It's just like trying to organize a cluttered room: you can start putting this & that back in its place, & take out a box here & there, but you're never going to get it really de-cluttered that way... To do it right, you gotta strip that room (or life) down to the bones, til all you got is bare walls, & rebuild from the ground up -- letting in ONLY what DESERVES to be there, what SERVES YOU!

(really didn't intend to ramble on so!) Good luck on whatever path you choose

What a beautiful and inspiring response!

ereck44

I'm glad that you found something that really worked for you. Much success to you!