Ex dumped me because I was too fat

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  • sues1604
    sues1604 Posts: 2 Member
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    For what it's worth RebeccaR84 has some really sound advice. I was about to post something along the same lines but when I read what she'd put, I thought I'd endorse it. I know you feel horrible. I know you hate yourself. I know you are angry with yourself. Those feelings are ok so long as you don't hurt/harm yourself as a result. Emotions/feelings take a while to catch up with life, so don't panic about being scared to eat because "he force fed you", It will take a while for you to emotionally realise that he doesn't have a hold on what you put in your mouth anymore. Don't panic about losing weight. Your main concern right now is balancing your sugar and insulin levels. Get that to become second nature and you are on to a winning path. PLEASE don't skip meals to reduce your calorie intake. You could end up going blind or worse.

    You have all my love, respect, support and prayers xx
  • happydaze71
    happydaze71 Posts: 339 Member
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    first of all, I get the feeling that if he didn't dump you, you would still be there.
    I will tell you something I have learned the hard way.... this says more about you than it does about him.
    He... clearly a psycho. You... desperate for love and will literally put up with anything if it means having a man in your life.
    This is not exclusive to you hun, I've done it, I've put up with a lot of ****, and never once looked at myself and thought what the hell am I doing, more, oh god please don't leave me.
    You need to learn to love yourself. This isn't about blame. Its about finding a way of moving forward without attracting this same sort of man into your life again.
    I would say go to councelling, because there are some deep seated issues there.
    I grew up in an abusive household and I've had a lot of bad things happen to me over the years, but it hasn't been until recently that I actually looked at myself and realised I seem to always attract bullies and users to me.
    I am determined to change this pattern.
    You are way, waaaaaay stronger than you know.
    Be grateful he's out of your life and be grateful you have a chance be happy :smooched:
  • sueclare38
    sueclare38 Posts: 125
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    Haven't read all the comments, but just wanted to add you are gorgeous hun, be proud, and you are better off without that idiot in your life, any improvements you make now are for yourself, nobody else.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
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    Wow, what the hell kind of relationship were you in? :huh: I don't even know what to think of all that.
  • MrsFowler1069
    MrsFowler1069 Posts: 657 Member
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    Your ex dumped you because he is a psycho and because he did you the only and best favor he had to offer, probably without meaning to.

    You're beautiful. I hope you take some time to get healthy in all the ways there are - weight loss probably being among the least, but maybe good therapy.

    He is not your friend. Do not be misled (by him or by yourself) into thinking that he is.

    Understanding the way he thinks or why he does what he does is not your responsibility, would not be healing (because your healing has to happen in your own head and heart, not in his), and is no longer your problem, either.

    I hope the days to come are better for you. Welcome to a new day.
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
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    My mom always told me sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before one of them turns into a prince. Thank God one of them finally did! It took 35 years, but I'm glad it finally happened. I have several exes who are like the OP's ex, but luckily I started seeing the signs quicker and quicker and just dumping them. Luckily, there are some good guys out there. I realized that it's not that all men are the same, but I just had to stop dating the same types of men.
  • badgerwillows
    badgerwillows Posts: 2
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    Babe! What's the point?! Uh YOU are! It is super important for you to know how much you matter.

    I'm so glad you've joined MFP. I'm hoping this is a step in direction of you caring for yourself. That horrific relationship is over! Fresh start and a happy healthy you is on the agenda now. I hope you're proud of yourself for putting that relationship behind you. When someone is manipulative and/or abusive like that it takes a lot of guts to move on.

    Take each day as it comes. Every little positive change you make each week goes towards forming healthy habits for the long term. Slow and steady really does win the race. It is really frustrating to hear that I know. So true though.

    If you respect your body with good food and exercise etc you'll feel so good and live longer to enjoy it too. I'm not telling you anything new here. Focusing on all the good stuff helps to keep on track. Acknowledge that your past relationship wasn't good for you and work through what you need to so you can move on. Try not to let it hold you back for too long though. Keep busy and focus on what you need. Spend time with the friends and family that you love. Maybe they'd like to join you in keeping active and busy. Going for walks, bike rides, joining a local sporting team etc. Hobbies are great to keep you distracted. Not just the physical activity ones either. I'm not sure what you're into but I paint/draw a lot as an example (life drawing classes etc). It's about a holistic approach to your lifestyle. As I don't know you very well I'm just trying to suggest things that have helped me in the past. No pressure. Take what you like from this and leave the rest out. It's a personal thing

    Seeing a a doctor, a nutritionist and having a personal trainer to get you on a roll might help too. I really like the group classes at the gym. You meet nice new people and the instructor's encouragement helps a lot. You can't have too many people cheering for you!
    Best wishes and god luck! :flowerforyou:
  • MrsFowler1069
    MrsFowler1069 Posts: 657 Member
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    Oops - wrong tab, sorry!!!
  • imakeyoukneel
    imakeyoukneel Posts: 278 Member
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    No! Why are you doing that to yourself have some standards!! That loser doesn't deserve to lick your boots. Just hold your head high your an amazing woman that doesn't deserve that
  • faripari31
    faripari31 Posts: 4
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    I agree with the the earlier posts, you are better off without that crap in your life. My fiancee left me recently after going out his way to make me feel crappy about myself. My response? I started training hardcore at the gym, take care of my health and am on my way to being in better shape than ever before. Seriously, cliche as it sounds success is the best revenge. You should use this as an opportunity to work on yourself and prove that him leaving is a blessing because you can focus on harnessing all your energy into making a positive change for YOU and you alone.
  • ciaokk
    ciaokk Posts: 19 Member
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    Think of all you LEARNED from those 4 years as opposed to 4 years wasted. The reason he left doesn't matter, as people have stated--you already lost a lot of weight by losing him. Sounds like he was all about control; and now you have control.....so...it's your choice: you take control and get back in control of YOUR life; or let him continue to control your life by not having control of your life. See the common thread? Your control is better.... :)
  • saldelmar
    saldelmar Posts: 40 Member
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    You are a beautiful person, and you should be proud of surviving what you went through. I was in an abusive relationship over a dozen years ago and when I left, the most helpful thing I did was go to support group meetings and then private counseling sessions. Both were very healing, and allowed me to understand that none of it was my fault. I'm now in a wonderfully healthy, supportive, loving relationship (we've been together now for almost 11 years). Focus on you, reach out to others who understand what you've been through, and know that you are beautiful and perfect exactly as you are (even if you never lose another pound -- seriously.) Sending you a big, big hug through the internet... You're not alone.
  • ZombieHunter84
    ZombieHunter84 Posts: 9
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    Exercising definitely helps with depression. As for the relationship run away and don't look back. It's important to be healthy but someone who really loves you with love you no matter what you look like, and encourage you in the right ways.
  • poohpoohpeapod
    poohpoohpeapod Posts: 776 Member
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    He forced food down your face? IF you are being honest, press charges on his *kitten*.
  • jboccio90
    jboccio90 Posts: 644 Member
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    I think a lot of people covered what I would of said.

    I am sorry you went through this, I have been in abusive situations and even though I like to think I am strong and confident I still struggle with seeing myself as fat and ugly and general self worth.

    Much love to you OP, I know you can get through this. :heart:
  • koukla0808
    koukla0808 Posts: 11
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    He forced food down your face? IF you are being honest, press charges on his *kitten*.

    Yeah, I've never told anyone I know that part. He'd literally shove food in my mouth and cover my mouth and hold me down...I have no idea wtf I was thinking staying for so long....when the relationship ended, I realized exactly how awful the whole situation really was...that's why I'm upset with myself for staying....if this was one of my friends, I'd do anything to get them to leave.
  • TheRealParisLove
    TheRealParisLove Posts: 1,907 Member
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    Please talk to someone (therapist) about this. You were abused. Although he didn't give you black eyes or break your bones, your description of you treatment in the relationship is that of abuse.

    The good people here at MFP can only offer you sympathy, but you need to work through your psychic scars this relationship has wrought in your life.
  • anemoneprose
    anemoneprose Posts: 1,805 Member
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    I can't believe the amount of people that have delt with the same thing as me....I really appreciate all the advice and kind words :). I'm definitely never seeing the guy again. I'm just disappointed in myself for letting him get to me the way he did. I mean, I've never been in this kind of relationship, I've been fat, but my weight has never really been an issue with any guy. I know I'm smart, have a pretty decent personality, etc, and I saw what he was doing to me, yet I still let it happen and I have no idea why. My parents raised me to be strong and confident, and I changed. I am definitely looking into therapy....I've been thinking about therapy for a while, I think I've just been in such a state of depression and shock that I couldn't think of anything else. I never want to be in this kind of situation ever again. For 4 years, he told me I was the problem, and it's nice to see an outsiders view. It explains a lot, like why he tried to turn me against family and friends and tried to isolate me from people. I know it's classic behaviour, and I fell for it even though I knew.

    You know who, other than people with very difficult pasts, find themselves in relationships with abusive people? People who trust people, and could never imagine someone behaving the way your ex did. He didn't assault you on your first date, right? He was probably sweet enough, if a little confusing. And you gave him the benefit of the doubt, time and again, because of your lack of experience with people who behave the way he does. All the while growing more attached to him, at the same time that he undermined your self esteem (which often has the horrible effect of making people, who don't necessarily have anything wrong with them to start with, feel *closer* to people who hurt them).

    You were *not* stupid for staying with him, there is very likely little wrong with you other than having fallen into a pattern that works at a level beyond reason (an unfortunately common one). It was not your fault. I agree with those suggesting getting help, and working to understand what happened. (& second Patricia Evans' books, they're very helpful that way.)

    Losing those four years -- yeah, I understand anger around that. But, the more you grieve for lost time, the less time you have, right? (I mean I think you have every right to be upset about it, for a while.)

    As far as fitness goes, I found myself agreeing with someone above who thought you could pursue activities you like, for the sake of pleasure. Maybe not even anything structured or oriented towards weight loss. Maybe it could be about rediscovering the pleasure of movement for its own sake, through e.g. hiking in beautiful surroundings, or dancing, or whatever strikes your fancy.

    & maybe for food, also, could try something similarly nice to do, like a cooking class?

    Wish you lots of luck.
  • anemoneprose
    anemoneprose Posts: 1,805 Member
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    He forced food down your face? IF you are being honest, press charges on his *kitten*.

    Yeah, I've never told anyone I know that part. He'd literally shove food in my mouth and cover my mouth and hold me down...I have no idea wtf I was thinking staying for so long....when the relationship ended, I realized exactly how awful the whole situation really was...that's why I'm upset with myself for staying....if this was one of my friends, I'd do anything to get them to leave.

    Certain people and dynamics and situations bring out the worst in us. That is not your fault. There is no reason to feel ashamed. The person you were with him, is not the person your parents and friends knew. It is also not the person you have to be from here on out.
  • FF43
    FF43 Posts: 4
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    It's definitely helped me to get this all out...I actually do feel a bit more relieved now. And I'm definitely not going back, he's already tried once, and now he's trying to be friends :/. I think a lot of what's bothering me is trying to figure out what in the world his reasoning is. I'm trying to get over this situation, get myself in better health, etc, because I know it's what's best for my health and my own well being

    Wow. You may not see it now, but a day is soon coming where you will recognize him ending that relationship as a blessing and a big favor. What he was doing was practicing pure manipulation on you and purposely trying to break your spirit. Your recognition of the situation you were in today shows that he did not succeed. I don't even want to imagine what could possibly be facing you "next" had he succeeded. You are a gorgeous woman, and as with most women, your compassionate and understanding nature tries to "figure out" the "why," but we aren't meant to understand sick or twisted minds. His treatment of you was a reflection of HIM and NOT you. It's best to just wash your mind and your hands free from it altogether and don't give him another second of your time or thoughts. And a size 10 is NOT large! lol

    I wish you all the best.

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