FRUSTRATED! - eating disorders, etc.

ctsteidl

I have struggled with my weight ever since I can remember. I've dealt with over-eating as well as anorexia.

Last year I started working in an office (starting around 120) and gained 30 lbs. When I realized how much I actually gained, I became very depressed and my anorexic tendencies kicked in. I lost about 10 lbs but I was sick of being hungry all the time so I started doing it the right way. Eating 1300-1400 calories a day, exercising at least 3 times a week, tracking my progress on this website, stuff like that. Then other **** happened and I started starving again and lost another 25 lbs. I was down to 115 and I was pretty happy with how I looked.
But over the past 4 months, I've gained nearly all of it back because I can't stop over-eating for the life of me. I'm constantly craving fast food and I don't even bother to track my calories anymore because I know I won't like what I see. I'm just so sick of it all. Being constantly uncomfortable, not fitting into any of my clothes, not to mention the emotional problems that come with eating disorders.

I really want to get motivated and start exercising and eating right.... I just can't start it and I don't know why....

I don't expect anyone to respond to this.... but I just don't know what to


-Cas

SezxyStef

Start with small stuff. Get a hold of the "stress". I use exercise to do it.

Change 1 meal a day if you can to something healthy then 2 meals, then 3.

Some therapy could help. I know my work has an EAP (employee assistance program) where they pay for a few sessions of therapy. Check into that.

But most of all make the decision to be healthy not to just be skinny.

You will continue to Yo yo until you learn to do it right and get ahold of your "tendancies". I often say it's a decision. You make it and stick to it...throughout life...life choice.

There are lots of people, smart people here who can help...I am far from an expert but I know smart when I see it.

bridgie101

You sound depressed. I'd certainly organise some counselling.

Majda1234

I am in a similar situation so i can relate although i cannot offer you much help but i can try to talk from experience.
I lost 25 kg in three months during my anorexia not even realising how fast i was loosing and i was satisfied with my weight and i was eating healthy and exercising but then the overeating started. At first i thought it was a respond of my body wanting the nutrition but i was eating 8000 calories day and that couldn't be normal. So i seeked professional help and my advice is therapy, it is a slow process but you make progress and try to learn having healthier relationships with food.

I am FAR from healed, i overeat a lot and i still sometimes restrict a lot but it is a work in progress and i think it might help you to seek therapy.

ainz86

ctsteidl , Thanks for sharing so openly. It is extremely tough this weight loss stuff.

Firstly i think you need to go and see someone about how your feeling . Anorexia is a very serious condition and its not be treated lightly. See your doctor and then they can refer you to a psychologist .

Secondly , 115 pounds is tiny! You don't mention what stopped you from eating 1300-1400 cals and exercsing 3 days a week? Try and pinpoint why you stopped eating more and why you wanted to starve yourself?

Majda1234

Also, just to mention i did the same thing with 1200 at first and then it spiraled out of control. I think you shouldn't focus on weight loss right now. Even hough it may be hypocrytical as i struggle with that too but focus first on having healthy habits and then you can work your way towards goal weight.

gigglesinthesun

I am not being mean or anything, but maybe talking to someone who is a professional / therapist would be helpful. When you say overeating, I am not sure you are overeating by my standards or by an anorexic standards. The fact that on your profile it says that you second goal weight is 110 or lower is making me wonder whether you just want to go as low as you possibly can go. Finding someone in your community that can address your food and self-image issues would probably be a much better start.

NonnyMary

Hello This might sound funny or you might understand but you might do well adopting a kittie or a dog or some kind of pet.

It takes the focus off whats bothering us, gives us warm fuzzies to comfort us, and gives us something other than ourselves to focus on, gives a pet a new home. I mean really pets are often therapy pets - people take their mellow cats into nursing homes which have a good effect on the people there.

If you cant do that, get your mind off yourself and go volunteer petting the cats at the pet shelter.

I mean really, for me, I was OCD about stuff, and when i adopted my 2 kitties this month, it totally got my mind off that, and changed my life. Settled my mind. Helped me on my weight loss too.

Fuzzipeg

Please try to relax.

Borrowing a couple of ideas can't remember who said them. 1 Life happens and 2 we needs to learn what is in your power to change and what isn't. If it is any help I am still learning.

Give yourself a mental break. Give yourself space to decide what is really important to you. Being healthy is probably up there. Being able to live rather than exist. I have done the existing and it is not fun.

Take care of yourself you are the best there is at being you. I am sorry you are so stressed. Take that metaphorical deep breath set out your true desires and gently work towards them. Including a walk in a green space if possible by gently running water, can help too. Well it is worth giving a try.

All the very best wishes to a very special person. You

bridgie101

sorry, I am coming back to add on what I should have said in my post.

I've struggled with depression and the main problem with it is that you can want to do something... and not get off your chair. You can know in one part of your brain that this is not good and you have to stop... but it doesn't take place.

Jumping around and pretending to be vibrant about dieting won't work for someone in that state. They will just feel like a failure.

Taking time off work and going to bed for a week might help, lying in bed with no distractions is psychologically incredibly therapeutic.

If a week in bed doesn't help, though, counselling is actually a really good thing to do. If you get the right counsellor, and that can take a few goes, they can unpick things in ways you don't expect.

all the best.

ctsteidl

I would LOVE to adopt a dog but unfortunately my apartment doesn't accept them but thank you for your reply

ctsteidl

I have tried counseling. Numerous times it just made me more angry and upset....
The only thing I've tried that really worked is just taking time from work, people, and other stress. And just working on myself. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to do that lately. I have way to many bills to pay and my roommates are always around.
I'm trying to find a way to make it work though so I can just relax and only deal with one problem at a time.

Achaila

I have struggled with an eating disorder for 11 years. I've weighed as little as 73 pounds and as much as 270 from cycles of starving then binging. As a teenager, when I was starving and at my lowest weight, I was diagnosed with anorexia. Gaining weight caused depression issues with led to binging which led to purging and a few other things that led to me being diagnosed as bulimic. Now as an adult (I am 24) I go through cycles of both. I will starve myself and lose a ton of weight, freak out, binge, and gain it all plus then some back.

I'm in IOP (intense outpatient) and working with a team of therapist, psychiatrist, and doctors to get better. My main focus right now is balance. Finding that happy medium. Not overeating, not under eating. Also working on my mental health as well as my physical. I've been in IOP for almost 2 years now. I just began anti depressants about a week ago to help. I'm nowhere near recovered. I wouldn't say I'm even 25% there. I have been in and out of recovery for years.

An eating disorder is something you will struggle with every single day. Depression and body image issues come right along with it. It never gets a day off. Unfortunately eating disorders are a mental and physical addiction that will pretty much always stick in the back of your mind. You have to want to recover or it will never work. You have to be willing to fight it.

I think you need to take the focus off your weight and look more at the mental aspect of things. Once you feel secure with that, move on to your weight. Just be kind to yourself, which I know is easier said than done. Get help. Don't quit getting help until you're better.

NonnyMary

I would LOVE to adopt a dog but unfortunately my apartment doesn't accept them but thank you for your reply

Ok then, can you volunteer at a shelter? i mean, you can go once or twice a week and pet the animals and get the benefits of it. im telling you it is WORTH IT for stress thereapy - for you and the animals.

you have to get your mind off food. beleive me.. i was OCD about stuff in my life AND THIS WORKED!!!

try it just once.. and you will be hooked.

Bekahmardis

Secondly , 115 pounds is tiny!

Actually, that's a very decent weight for someone at 5'4"....I'm 5'3" and at my goal weight of 110.....

myjourneytothin187

How many calories did you eat a day? and how long did it take you to lose 25lb?

ctsteidl

How many calories did you eat a day? and how long did it take you to lose 25lb?

I'm not exactly sure. It varied from 0-500 mostly. Sometimes around 800. It took me about 4-6 months I think to lose the 25lbs. I wouldn't suggest it though. I was so weak and tired all the time and I couldn't keep up those eating habits for long. I started eating like 3000 calories a day (which I think is about what I'm eating now ) and my body stored all of it because it didn't know when it was going to get food again. That's when I gained all the weight back.

SoDamnHungry

Go to a counselor. Anorexia and binge eating are two things that you shouldn't mess around with.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

you need therapy to work on your emotional baggage, you're focusing too much on food and not enough on how you deal emotionally. You need to find a way to disconnect your eating behaviors from your emotional stability . . . you also need to figure out how to create emotional stability.

ctsteidl

Ok you guys that are telling me to go to therapy, I've said in this post that I've already tried therapy and it just didn't work for me. And besides, I'm so broke that I wouldn't have to money to go even if I wanted to.

mountaingirl1961

FWIW - I've been to see four different counselors in my life. Only one of them was at all effective - and that guy saved my life.

Counselors are a lot like clothes, in that you have to try them on until you find one that fits. If counseling has been ineffective for you in the past, don't dismiss the counseling experience, just dismiss that counselor.

Somebody upthread likened eating disorders to an addiction and gave a very, very accurate description of dealing with one throughout ones' life. I'm 51 now and this has been with me for 35+ years. It DOESN'T go away. But that's not to say that there isn't hope and that you can't learn to deal with it. You can, and finding the right counselor will be the start of your real recovery.

Another post upthread - volunteer at a shelter - is also excellent advice. Any volunteer experience is a worthwhile thing and will significantly build your sense of self-worth. Shelter animals have a lot of love to give and you'd be doing a good thing for them and for yourself.

Put down the big club you've been using to beat yourself up. Good luck and accept the love that's in your world.

JoelleAnn78

Ths thread is full of some seriously brave and courageous individuals. I am in awe of the struggles that you face everyday and are willing to share with strangers. Please be sure to surround yourselves with people who are supportive and working toward health. All to often on MFP I see people with ED that have put in a ton of work and effort into getting healthy only to have one person on their FL that drags them back into the behaviors because THEY are not ready to work yet. Thanks for sharing.

ctsteidl

FWIW - I've been to see four different counselors in my life. Only one of them was at all effective - and that guy saved my life.

Counselors are a lot like clothes, in that you have to try them on until you find one that fits. If counseling has been ineffective for you in the past, don't dismiss the counseling experience, just dismiss that counselor.

Somebody upthread likened eating disorders to an addiction and gave a very, very accurate description of dealing with one throughout ones' life. I'm 51 now and this has been with me for 35+ years. It DOESN'T go away. But that's not to say that there isn't hope and that you can't learn to deal with it. You can, and finding the right counselor will be the start of your real recovery.

Another post upthread - volunteer at a shelter - is also excellent advice. Any volunteer experience is a worthwhile thing and will significantly build your sense of self-worth. Shelter animals have a lot of love to give and you'd be doing a good thing for them and for yourself.

Put down the big club you've been using to beat yourself up. Good luck and accept the love that's in your world.

Beautifully said. Thank you

RenshiG

I would LOVE to adopt a dog but unfortunately my apartment doesn't accept them but thank you for your reply

Ok then, can you volunteer at a shelter? i mean, you can go once or twice a week and pet the animals and get the benefits of it. im telling you it is WORTH IT for stress thereapy - for you and the animals.

you have to get your mind off food. beleive me.. i was OCD about stuff in my life AND THIS WORKED!!!

try it just once.. and you will be hooked.

My sister had severe anxiety issues. She was told to get herself around horses. She "shared a horse, being responsible for it 2-3 times a week. That commitment as well as just the physical contact with the animal did wonders for her. Still amazed about that.

ctsteidl

The first thing I really need right now is the motivation to change. It's just hard for me to snap back into working on being healthy when being unhealthy (mentally and physically) is all I've know for the past 10 years.

dwalt15110

I am coming from an entirely different angle and that is what you said about fast food. Several people have told me that they are able to stay away from fast food for months, but as soon as they have one thing, the cravings are horrendous. All they can think about is the taste and having it again. So they go back and go back to get their fast food fix. The only thing that stops them is not having the money to continue. My one friend swears that they put something in the food to make it addictive. Part of it is because it is so taste acute. Fast food has a taste you remember and can recall. So I understand why it is so hard to break that chain.

I think it is very important to not only log what you eat every day, but to also use the note box to log how you felt during the day. What made you feel good and what didn't. Were your feelings food related or was there something else that caused those feelings.

What makes you happy? What do you like to do? What is your passion? Finding out those answers and beginning to focus on those things can be a very healthy outlet.

I have bouts of panic and anxiety and I was housebound except for work for over a year. Then I did what I am asking you to do. I found out that I love to sing, play the piano and compose music. I absolutely can't get enough of being in a recording studio whether it is working on my project or someone else's. I focus a lot on that. I also love to write and have published works. These are things that make me happy, that make me feel whole. What makes you feel whole?

ctsteidl

I am coming from an entirely different angle and that is what you said about fast food. Several people have told me that they are able to stay away from fast food for months, but as soon as they have one thing, the cravings are horrendous. All they can think about is the taste and having it again. So they go back and go back to get their fast food fix. The only thing that stops them is not having the money to continue. My one friend swears that they put something in the food to make it addictive. Part of it is because it is so taste acute. Fast food has a taste you remember and can recall. So I understand why it is so hard to break that chain.

I think it is very important to not only log what you eat every day, but to also use the note box to log how you felt during the day. What made you feel good and what didn't. Were your feelings food related or was there something else that caused those feelings.

What makes you happy? What do you like to do? What is your passion? Finding out those answers and beginning to focus on those things can be a very healthy outlet.

I have bouts of panic and anxiety and I was housebound except for work for over a year. Then I did what I am asking you to do. I found out that I love to sing, play the piano and compose music. I absolutely can't get enough of being in a recording studio whether it is working on my project or someone else's. I focus a lot on that. I also love to write and have published works. These are things that make me happy, that make me feel whole. What makes you feel whole?

Thank you so much for this post! You're exactly right. I will try to do all of that when I log my food and I'll focus on things that make me happy

mountaingirl1961

The first thing I really need right now is the motivation to change. It's just hard for me to snap back into working on being healthy when being unhealthy (mentally and physically) is all I've know for the past 10 years.

That's the depression. It took me meds to get past that point, but they REALLY made the difference. They weren't "happy pills". They sure as hell didn't make me happy. What they did was take enough of the depressive edge off so that my willpower was enough to get me moving.

Mr_Knight

I really want to get motivated and start exercising and eating right.... I just can't start it and I don't know why....

I don't expect anyone to respond to this.... but I just don't know what to

Hey, it can be hard. I have a buddy I've been gently prodding for a year now to start working out with me and eat smarter. Total no go. Woke up a few days ago to find a picture of him in a hospital bed - mid-40s, already had his first heart attack. And guess what? He's *still* not motivated to make the necessary changes!

It happens.

I would suggest considering talking to a counsellor. Not a "weight loss" counsellor, and counsellor-counsellor.

Good luck!

BoomstickChick

I haven't had eating disorder problems or anything, but after I just had my 3rd baby, I haven't been motivated to get started back at this again. Just the other day I started working out again, sticking to my calorie goals, and getting back on my gluten free diet, which I should have never stopped. Something just clicked and told me it was time to get back to it!

deksgrl

You are ahead of the game in one way, you know what works, you said you had success with eating 1300-1400 and exercise. So, there is your starting point, you know what you have to do. Doing it is another matter. Start tracking again.