FRUSTRATED! - eating disorders, etc.

BluejayNY

Ok you guys that are telling me to go to therapy, I've said in this post that I've already tried therapy and it just didn't work for me. And besides, I'm so broke that I wouldn't have to money to go even if I wanted to.

If you work full time see if your employer as Employment Assistance Programs. It is all about finding the RIGHT counselor. The wrong one can make things worse. I have been there. If it isn't helping or feels wrong then move onto a new person. The right one WILL help you.

I don't think 115 at 5'4 is unhealthy but your thought process and the extreme restriction is concerning. You know you are not being healthy by starving or by binging. The yo yo weight gaining/losing is going to have ramifications on your body healthwise and lookwise that may be PERMANENT. You may really regret not getting help sooner and stopping this cycle.

jen_zz

But most of all make the decision to be healthy not to just be skinny.

You will continue to Yo yo until you learn to do it right and get ahold of your "tendancies". I often say it's a decision. You make it and stick to it...throughout life...life choice.

Great advice.

ctsteidl

Thank you all for taking the time to try and help me. I really appreciate it

cafeaulait7

If therapy is not possible, you'll still have to figure out what to eat in a day and how to workout healthily, and I know that's the ongoing problem It bumps right into your disordered thinking, because EDs are about the disordered thinking.

One idea is to go to a nutritionist and have that person just plain tell you what to do. Do that and try your best to consider the whole weight and food thing out of your hands. Just give that entire subject to someone else for a while If you screw up, ignore it and consider it the past. It's not your problem. No disordered behavior allowed (well, that's the goal, lol).

I'm not saying 'just do it' because that's crazy talk when disordered/addictive thinking is involved! But try your best to give it to someone else. Let them decide, because you can't trust your brain to make the good decisions just yet.

bkyoun

I also think that finding the right counselor would be tremendously helpful for you.

My heart breaks when I hear stories like this. I hope that you can come to realize that you are beautiful inside and out. It doesn't matter if you weigh 150 pounds or 110 pounds, you are beautiful. How much you weigh does not determine how much you are worth. You have inherent worth as a human being and a child of God. Please do what you need to to learn to love yourself. That is the biggest part of your battle.

Your physical health is the next issue, the one that we are all in the same boat working on. You can do this. Be patient. It won't happen over night. Eat an appropriate amount of calories for your body type. Log everything and exercise. You will get to your ideal weight. Just be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. You are worth it!

polluxy

I would like to emphasize that I think getting some counseling is one of the best things you can do right now. You've got to give yourself some love and not beat yourself up over body image, first and foremost, before success can happen. Repeat after me: "My weight is not my defining characteristic. I am a valuable human being regardless of how I look."

Concurrently, I would strongly recommend taking a look at the blog "MarksDailyApple.com". I also used to binge, and then starve, and kill myself in the gym, and never quite realize what it was to have a healthy, stable diet. This blog changed my life. I no longer have to obsess over what I eat, I feel strong and confident and don't suffer from the mood swings that I used to, and the ups and downs of gaining/losing, binging/purging. From the message boards there, I gather that a lot of recovering anorexics/bulimics have had similar experiences after following this way of eating. Now, everyone has to find their own way, but I think you should definitely check this out.

Good luck, wish you the best!

marras117

So sorry you're dealing with this! God it sucks doesn't it? I have been in the *exact same* position and have gone to therapy with little success. If i can make a suggestion that may seem a little out there...believe me it was new agey for me at first too... I highly recommend Gabrielle Bernstein's books. "Spirit Junkie" in particular teaches you how to self soothe and gain motivation. Meditation has done more for me than therapy ever has.
Although i wouldn't give up on therapy, im just like you, i dont have the money/time and its really difficult to find a smart one! Id rather spend my money on bikram yoga which immediately calms my anxiety anyway.

Also I say in terms of binging, that if you really fight to eat healthy for a few days, even 3 days, with low addictive food like flour and sugar, then day 3 is a different story and much easier. Treat sugar/flour like an addiction. like quitting smoking sucks at first but after a while its not so bad. 3 days stick it out - you can do it!

Also check out your hormones, vitamin d, thyroid, food sensitivities, gut bacteria.. if therapy isnt working and your appetite is huge it could be a physical imbalance (generally doesn't show in drs tests or even occur to the dr) I think everyone is quick to assume its simply serotonin which always puzzled me since that is just one singular chord in a symphony of transmitters, hormones, vitamins and enzymes that affect mood and weight. You're highly likely vitamin d, omega 3, protein and B12 deficient after a spell of anorexia. These deficiencies make you depressed and slow your metabolism. It takes some time to pull the levels back up and a multivitamin doesn't always do the trick. Just something to check out - ask your nutritionist specifically about this!