How to deal with a hubby that likes the chubby?
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Marriage counseling or divorce. Seriously.
I tend to agree.0 -
My husband prefers bigger women. I like to keep myself pretty fit. If he made comments about liking me bigger I'd tell him to knock it off. Support or shut up.
I don't exercise for him. I don't eat well for him. I do it for me. He appreciates that it makes me feel good. 0 -
i agree with most of the people in saying you should talk to him and tell him how you feel if it's that big of a deal tell him duces i can relate to this in away my ex told me when i started losing weight that i was getting to fit and she was afraid i would start to attract other girls then during the holidays when i mentioned something to her about how much we were eating she said it's eating season so it's ok that's a buch of bull**** so my advice do you tell him he's either with you or against you0
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Were you bigger when you two met? If so this really isn't a whole lot different than those who get upset that their partner gained after being together. Some people aren't good with physical change, others are. All you can do it talk to him without walking away. Listen to his feelings, share yours and assure him that you looking different isn't going to change your relationship (unless it's for the better because of your increased confidence) or your feelings for him.0
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Well, you stated that there was a pair of jeans that you are getting into, and in about 3 lbs, you will be able to fit into them. Unless these are jeans that you had and wore before meeting him, then you are approaching a size that he is familiar with. I am not sure if you have been on diets before, and lost then regained the weight loss in a short period of time. If that is the case, I am hoping that does not happen again, he maybe trying to save you from the disappointment he has seen before.
Having been married for 20 years this month, I can tell you that to really form an opinion on this situation, I need more long term background info, but you do need to do this for yourself, not someone else. That is why I did it. I have not been this size since high school, and I just did not like the way I looked and felt. My father had his first heartattack 5 years younger than I am now. I have 2 teenage boys that I want to be around for.0 -
This is coming from the lens of a woman who has been married 35 years, me. To begin with over the course of a marriage you will both say things, that will seem insensitive to the other, you just will. To even toss around the word divorce as others have said is beyond ridiculous.
Things I've learned:
Men hate the personal questions of "what do you think of this?" Being an outfit, your body, hair etc. They often feel damned if I do, damned if I don't. Don't worry too much about it, unless the comments are frequent. Men are often not verbally elegant. Watch for his actions that show appreciation for your body, not his words.
I truly think change is harder on many men, than it is for women. His comment on your face, could be more about change, than he thinks your face looks bad with weight loss.
Work on your happiness, the rest will follow. There is a lot of truth, to the saying Happy life, Happy wife. You have responsibility for this.0 -
If I may, with all due respect for your husband, I call BS. I see this as one thing....Insecurity. When insecure people see others succeed and gain confidence it makes them feel even more insecure.
Chances are this is a reaction to his own insecurity. All you can do is make sure your affection and care with him is the same or more to reassure him that because you feel better about yourself that you are not considering what he may think are "better" options.
Truth be told.0 -
This is coming from the lens of a woman who has been married 35 years, me. To begin with over the course of a marriage you will both say things, that will seem insensitive to the other, you just will. To even toss around the word divorce as others have said is beyond ridiculous.
Things I've learned:
Men hate the personal questions of "what do you think of this?" Being an outfit, your body, hair etc. They often feel damned if I do, damned if I don't. Don't worry too much about it, unless the comments are frequent. Men are often not verbally elegant. Watch for his actions that show appreciation for your body, not his words.
I truly think change is harder on many men, than it is for women. His comment on your face, could be more about change, than he thinks your face looks bad with weight loss.
Work on your happiness, the rest will follow. There is a lot of truth, to the saying Happy life, Happy wife. You have responsibility for this.
Yeah so I totally disagree.
I was married for a few months short of 10 years, with my ex husband for nearly 12 years. We got along well throughout the entire marriage, and genuinely liked each other and cared for one another. Doesn't mean we need to be married for the rest of our lives. I am so much happier with someone else. I feel like I am living a dream being with my current partner. I never had any of those feelings with my ex. Is it so awful to want more than mediocre? No.0 -
I feel that spouses can be a very difficult problem to manage in regards to making changes. If your spouse doesn't support you in your goals i say build a support network. If they do great!!! I prefer to keep my MFP separate from my spouse though she is not against my fitness goals because I need to be able to focus on me goals. My wife wants to hit me if i talk about calories or workouts for too long. Not just me anybody who seems to obsess about it. ON the other hand if we don't talk about it, its hard for us to stay on task and keep losing.
Hope that helps
Mark0 -
Sounds like he is insecure with himself. I think you should use his negativity to motivate you even more. Great job! Get healthy for you first and then he will realize how lucky he is.0
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My guess is that he just needs to adjust to your new look. He's probably used to seeing you with a little extra weight, so when you start dropping weight, you look different and maybe he likes things to remain the same and resists change? It doesn't sound like he's saying anything all that bad, just expressing his opinion since you asked him.
The other side of the coin is that now that you're losing weight and getting into better shape, that may cause him to reflect on himself and if he is a little overweight, might make him feel a little bad since you're making progress and doing well and he's still the same old guy he was before. Maybe you can offer to workout together with him, help get him motivated to get in better shape as well, not just for looks but for overall health reasons as well. That may work, or it may not.
Bottom line, just do what makes you happy. You can't remain overweight to please someone else, that's just ridiculous. If you were starving yourself down to a twig then yes that's bad, but if you're just losing weight to get healthy, there is no reason not to support that honestly.0 -
It's mind-boggling how quickly the "he's insecure/controlling/jealous" arguments come out. Do all of you live your lives thinking the worst of people? How miserable.
People have different preferences; it happens. There are definitely guys who like thinner women; there are guys who prefer thicker women. I've met guys who dug very, very skinny, and others who couldn't find anyone attractive unless they were blonde.
These varying preferences aren't rooted in insecurities and controlling issues; they just prefer different appearances.
OP, if your husband was force feeding you food, or insulting your appearance, that would be insecurity, controlling, etc.
He SAID you looked good, but just noted he preferred your appearance before. That sounds like standard, "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say how I was feeling/the truth" guy talk. He's not trying to hurt you; he just doesn't have the same filter as you.
If it continuously bothers you, just have a sitdown with him and explain: I feel bad when you add those caveats to my appearance. I want to look a certain way; will you still love me when I'm at a lower weight?
I'm fairly certain he'll say "Yes." And I'm fairly certain he'll still have sex with you. And I'm fairly certain there are other parts of you he finds stimulating and attractive other than your weight.
Just let him know not to share those thoughts; he might not even realize it's bothering you that he's saying that. He might just be showing you how supportive he was of you pre-weight loss.
This... This was beautiful. You took the words right out of my mouth. ...Or fingertips. You know what I mean.
Personally? I tend to prefer slightly larger women, a la Christina Hendricks, Sara Ramirez, and Ashley Graham. Actually, I like plenty of thinner women, too. But I seem to have a preference for the "bigger" girls. I work with a woman that lost a bit of weight last year. While her body looked healthy - as far as I could tell - her face ended up looking a bit drawn out. She went from incredibly cute to OK. Not bad, but OK. Obviously, I didn't say anything, as it wasn't my place. The point is simply that, sometimes, people look better with a little more weight on them.
My wife, when I lost about 40 lbs, told me that she thought I started looking too skinny. I'm not sure about that, but I knew I wanted to put some more muscle on. I had no real problem with her telling me how she felt - I knew she cared for me, and wanted to make sure I didn't go too far when I lost the weight. Perhaps the OP's husband has these same thoughts. Perhaps he is just insecure. Nobody here knows. It would be better, IMO, for OP to talk to him and find out exactly what he means, instead of everyone jumping to conclusions.0 -
Marriage counseling or divorce. Seriously.
I tend to agree.This is coming from the lens of a woman who has been married 35 years, me. To begin with over the course of a marriage you will both say things, that will seem insensitive to the other, you just will. To even toss around the word divorce as others have said is beyond ridiculous.
Things I've learned:
Men hate the personal questions of "what do you think of this?" Being an outfit, your body, hair etc. They often feel damned if I do, damned if I don't. Don't worry too much about it, unless the comments are frequent. Men are often not verbally elegant. Watch for his actions that show appreciation for your body, not his words.
I truly think change is harder on many men, than it is for women. His comment on your face, could be more about change, than he thinks your face looks bad with weight loss.
Work on your happiness, the rest will follow. There is a lot of truth, to the saying Happy life, Happy wife. You have responsibility for this.
Yeah so I totally disagree.
I was married for a few months short of 10 years, with my ex husband for nearly 12 years. We got along well throughout the entire marriage, and genuinely liked each other and cared for one another. Doesn't mean we need to be married for the rest of our lives. I am so much happier with someone else. I feel like I am living a dream being with my current partner. I never had any of those feelings with my ex. Is it so awful to want more than mediocre? No.
I find this very harsh. Because you ask someone their opinion and they tell you the truth, and you find it hurtful, you need counseling or a divorce? And having been told something hurtful means that your relationship/life is mediocre? No relationship is perfect, there are some good times and some bad.... that's life, that hold true for a relationship with your spouse as much as with others. I sometimes disagree with my friends, does it mean they're not worthy... totally not!
If people see it that way, no wonder divorce rates are so high.
In a marriage, there are two people. Sometimes, people will have different opinions, sometimes they will say hurtful things, not necessarily meaning them to be hurtful. Whether they be genuine or said out of a feeling of inadequacy doesn't matter. Marriage is work, if your marriage is easy, I say it's probably that something isn't being said that should be.
As for weight, whether you gain or lose it, it changes a relationship. It means that you may not satisfied with life, and changing it reflects on your partner. It means your partner may feel like he'll be left behind or that your confidence etc changes and it affects how they feel about you and your relationship. Whomever says that it doesn't, is probably in denial over how physical looks change your feelings/behavior. People call it being shallow, but it's human nature and totally normal.
DH and I have both gained weight, and we both know we find each other less attractive for it. Do we still love each other? yes. Do we have sex less often? yes (kids don't help in that equation either). Do we sometimes make hurtful comments? Sometimes, yes, because sometimes people need a wake up call. Does it mean we shouldn't be together? No, it just means we care enough to say out loud what no one else will. We don't call each other names, say things in an abusive manner... we say hey, look at yourself, you've gained weight, I'm concerned about your health, our lifestyle, our sex life, etc... Isn't that what relationships are based on... honesty.
Anyway, I wondered too if the OP was bigger or fit in their jeans when they met their partner. I still stand by what I said before. It may be something to worry about, it may not. If it really bothers you, talk to your partner... that's what partners are for... communication, honesty and acceptance.0 -
Marriage counseling or divorce. Seriously.
I tend to agree.This is coming from the lens of a woman who has been married 35 years, me. To begin with over the course of a marriage you will both say things, that will seem insensitive to the other, you just will. To even toss around the word divorce as others have said is beyond ridiculous.
Things I've learned:
Men hate the personal questions of "what do you think of this?" Being an outfit, your body, hair etc. They often feel damned if I do, damned if I don't. Don't worry too much about it, unless the comments are frequent. Men are often not verbally elegant. Watch for his actions that show appreciation for your body, not his words.
I truly think change is harder on many men, than it is for women. His comment on your face, could be more about change, than he thinks your face looks bad with weight loss.
Work on your happiness, the rest will follow. There is a lot of truth, to the saying Happy life, Happy wife. You have responsibility for this.
Yeah so I totally disagree.
I was married for a few months short of 10 years, with my ex husband for nearly 12 years. We got along well throughout the entire marriage, and genuinely liked each other and cared for one another. Doesn't mean we need to be married for the rest of our lives. I am so much happier with someone else. I feel like I am living a dream being with my current partner. I never had any of those feelings with my ex. Is it so awful to want more than mediocre? No.
I find this very harsh. Because you ask someone their opinion and they tell you the truth, and you find it hurtful, you need counseling or a divorce? And having been told something hurtful means that your relationship/life is mediocre? No relationship is perfect, there are some good times and some bad.... that's life, that hold true for a relationship with your spouse as much as with others. I sometimes disagree with my friends, does it mean they're not worthy... totally not!
If people see it that way, no wonder divorce rates are so high.
In a marriage, there are two people. Sometimes, people will have different opinions, sometimes they will say hurtful things, not necessarily meaning them to be hurtful. Whether they be genuine or said out of a feeling of inadequacy doesn't matter. Marriage is work, if your marriage is easy, I say it's probably that something isn't being said that should be.
As for weight, whether you gain or lose it, it changes a relationship. It means that you may not satisfied with life, and changing it reflects on your partner. It means your partner may feel like he'll be left behind or that your confidence etc changes and it affects how they feel about you and your relationship. Whomever says that it doesn't, is probably in denial over how physical looks change your feelings/behavior. People call it being shallow, but it's human nature and totally normal.
DH and I have both gained weight, and we both know we find each other less attractive for it. Do we still love each other? yes. Do we have sex less often? yes (kids don't help in that equation either). Do we sometimes make hurtful comments? Sometimes, yes, because sometimes people need a wake up call. Does it mean we shouldn't be together? No, it just means we care enough to say out loud what no one else will. We don't call each other names, say things in an abusive manner... we say hey, look at yourself, you've gained weight, I'm concerned about your health, our lifestyle, our sex life, etc... Isn't that what relationships are based on... honesty.
Anyway, I wondered too if the OP was bigger or fit in their jeans when they met their partner. I still stand by what I said before. It may be something to worry about, it may not. If it really bothers you, talk to your partner... that's what partners are for... communication, honesty and acceptance.
No. I don't consider it rude or harsh to tell someone who is making accusations or complaining about their spouse on a PUBLIC FORUM to a bunch of STRANGERS that are only getting one side of a story of a situation that is best left between the couple...to either seek marriage counseling or get a divorce.
Not. At. All.
And when it boils down to it...those are really the only options if things are that bad she can't resolve things between them and has to go seeking advice and sympathy from the internet.0 -
Ask him what he prefers. You at optimum health or you at a point in your life where you can have a heart attack or other terrible health issues. Make it about your health, not your body fat content. Also, explain to him that you're not doing this for his benefit nor are you doing it for any other reason other than for yourself and YOUR health.0
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You asked him what he thought.
He gave you an honest answer.
This isn't insecure, rude, or unsupportive.
What would be unsupportive would be to ask your partner for an honest opinion and then penalize him for giving it.
He will probably adjust to your new healthy body. But in the mean time you can respect him by not expecting him to lie to you. If you don't want the answer, don't ask. Go out on a date and have fun instead of fishing for compliments.
Congrats on the weight loss BTW!0 -
I'm absolutely amazed by a lot of the posts on this thread - the guy said he preferred the Op when she was a bit larger and that makes him insecure, jealous or controlling? :huh:
How about the most simple answer which is that some guys simply prefer bigger women. You know...just like some guys prefer skinny women. Is it really so hard to understand that some people have a preference for bigger women?
Her husband expressing the opinion that he preferred her larger is absolutely no different from the man who tells his wife who's put on lots of weight that he preferred her when she was thinner.
My partner is also a chap who genuinely prefers bigger women and he's certainly not insecure or jealous (he does triathlons, so he's fit.) As I'm losing weight he sometimes jokes that he hopes I don't end up skinny...and naturally I know those jokes disguise a bit of a worry that I'll gain a figure he simply doesn't find attractive.
Ultimately there's not a great deal you can do about that. You can love someone, but whether you find someone attractive is a different kettle of fish and it's not something you can easily control. Perhaps a relationship where on partner's body shape has changed a lot will survive and perhaps it won't - in the end though, you have to do what makes you comfortable. You can't keep yourself fat to keep someone else happy if it makes you miserable.0 -
No. I don't consider it rude or harsh to tell someone who is making accusations or complaining about their spouse on a PUBLIC FORUM to a bunch of STRANGERS that are only getting one side of a story of a situation that is best left between the couple...to either seek marriage counseling or get a divorce.
Not. At. All.
And when it boils down to it...those are really the only options if things are that bad she can't resolve things between them and has to go seeking advice and sympathy from the internet.
She was saying she was frustrated.. that happens to all of us, and most people come to these forums venting/asking advise like they would of a friend. So if a friend told you they were a bit upset with something would you tell them ... oh, get counseling or bail...
- 'oh he hurt my feeling'
- 'that's it... your relationship is doomed if you don't see a professional'
If stuff worked that way, we'd all spend more time on a therapists couch than there are hours in the day.
There is a middle ground, coming to the internet instead of asking an IRL friend doesn't mean that things are that bad. ... I don't know her, things might be bad, but I think it's too quick to judge based on her discussing ONE comment that he made, that she solicited.
Saying they're heading for counseling and divorce over that is like saying that if I asked my husband if my *kitten* looked fat in my jeans and that he said yes and that it hurt my feelings that we need professional help or to end it. Meanwhile that may not be the case... it might just be true that my *kitten* looks fat in those jeans, doesn't mean that I have a fat *kitten* or that he's being disrespectful, might just be being honest and objective. (BTW I have no butt, I would love for my but to look fat
.... this is purely used as an example of how jumping to black and white conclusions is not helpful. ) 0 -
No. I don't consider it rude or harsh to tell someone who is making accusations or complaining about their spouse on a PUBLIC FORUM to a bunch of STRANGERS that are only getting one side of a story of a situation that is best left between the couple...to either seek marriage counseling or get a divorce.
Not. At. All.
And when it boils down to it...those are really the only options if things are that bad she can't resolve things between them and has to go seeking advice and sympathy from the internet.
She was saying she was frustrated.. that happens to all of us, and most people come to these forums venting/asking advise like they would of a friend. So if a friend told you they were a bit upset with something would you tell them ... oh, get counseling or bail...
- 'oh he hurt my feeling'
- 'that's it... your relationship is doomed if you don't see a professional'
If stuff worked that way, we'd all spend more time on a therapists couch than there are hours in the day.
There is a middle ground, coming to the internet instead of asking an IRL friend doesn't mean that things are that bad. ... I don't know her, things might be bad, but I think it's too quick to judge based on her discussing ONE comment that he made, that she solicited.
Saying they're heading for counseling and divorce over that is like saying that if I asked my husband if my *kitten* looked fat in my jeans and that he said yes and that it hurt my feelings that we need professional help or to end it. Meanwhile that may not be the case... it might just be true that my *kitten* looks fat in those jeans, doesn't mean that I have a fat *kitten* or that he's being disrespectful, might just be being honest and objective. (BTW I have no butt, I would love for my but to look fat.... this is purely used as an example of how jumping to black and white conclusions is not helpful. )
I'm sure he'd love knowing their issues are being put on display.
But again...don't care. that's my opinion and I think if you can't resolve it between the two of you, then the only person(s) that should be getting involved is a marriage counselor or lawyers...not people you don't know.0 -
I am getting frustrated with my situation. When I was heavier he loved it and I hated myself for it. I am getting close to where I am happy and he tells me he doesn't like it. FYI my goal weight is no where from being a stick, I like my curves, but Two nights ago I put on my smaller jeans that have not fit in a really long time and I was sooo excited and happy that they buttoned, (gonna needs like 3 more pounds before they fit right but any who). I was happy and thrilled with my progress, only to sit on hubby's lap to ask what he thought of it. He says you look good "BUT". (why did he have to put the but) I like you better before. He commented on my face and how he prefers when my cheeks are fuller. I walk away feeling like crap. It is very upsetting to feel so good and to be dragged down in the dumps. Now sure what exactly I am asking, guess I am just venting.
I literally had this same fight with my husband Sunday... I am 40lbs heavier when we met, I am trying to get down to the weight before we got married, I am not trying to get skinny, I like my curves I just want to get back to who I was before, love, marriage and baby carriage. He hasn't been very supportive in the fact that he always rolls his eyes if I say something about not worth the calories or not getting in enough calories. Always an eye roll and some kind of face.... Sundays we go out and watch football, drink beer and have pizza and wings. Since my new healthy lifestyle we have gone 3 times... each time i ate pizza (2 slices instead of 6) and a wing or two instead of the whole order. I drink my light beer as usual, I track my calories and I know that it's not my normal day. well this past Sunday, I wasn't feeling the beer, I had my 2 slices of pizza and 2 wings and 2 beers, but then I ordered a seltzer water with lemon... OH boy he gave me the biggest eye roll and actually made fun of me with the bartender? Seriously???? I said to him really? He said oh you take the fun out of everything... I said what our fun is done because I am drinking seltzer instead of beer? I got upset and walked into the bathroom and cried. My husband has always been my biggest supporter in life and this was devestating to me. I went back out it was about 20 minutes and the game ended and we left. I didn't say a word all the way home. I said to him before we went to bed that he truly hurt me by acting that way and I don't ever criticize him on what he eats and how he looks and the only thing i ask is for his support. Well why the long winded story.... he leaves before i do in the morning so he sent me a long text and apologized for his behavior that he is so proud of me and all that i have accomplished and my dedication to a new lifestyle. He was upset because he is over weight and has high blood pressure and has done nothing about changing it and he is disappointed in him and took it out on me. His running line was yep you are gonna leave me when you get skinny??? Hello I am just trying to get down to where I was when we met not get skinny???? Moral of my long winded story is... Your husband is feeling insecure and yes as does my husband he likes your thickness. Sounds to me he is more unhappy with himself than he is with you. Talk to him, let him know how you feel... let him know you need to be healthy and if that means your *kitten* jiggles a bit then so bit it... =0) Keep up the good work!0
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