Funniest Fat joke you said about yourself

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Replies

  • Penny_Harrison
    Penny_Harrison Posts: 45 Member
    Stole this one from my friend Rachel - "I'm not fat - God gave me airbags because I'm precious"
  • gingabebe
    gingabebe Posts: 165 Member
    I once raced a pregnant woman and i came in third
    You are awesome, that one is good.

    A friend of mine always says she not fat, she's prosperous.

    I say in that my bulk is my insurance against starvation if I ever get stranded in a blizzard.
  • kimosabe1
    kimosabe1 Posts: 2,467 Member
    This one I've used a few times:

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  • MickeyCastello
    MickeyCastello Posts: 269
    When I was a very young man, a manager I worked for told me "Never cut yourself down, because there is always somebody waiting to do that for you."
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    I've said to my co worker before. If I get any fatter I'll have to grease myself up with butter to fit through the door.

    Common one's round here are; who ate all the pies? & I bet they've been eating straight from the pan.
  • Nimick22
    Nimick22 Posts: 2 Member
    When i have to squeeze by someone in a tight space I say Sorry, my backside has its own zip code.
  • leann8806
    leann8806 Posts: 29 Member
    I was with two of my rather large friends, and it was about 1 a.m. and we decided to go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles after seeing some bands. People try to use the parking lot for the bar next to Roscoe's, so when we got out of the car the security guard asked, are you going to Roscoe's? I said, look at us, what do YOU think? (He started cracking up.)

    Hah too funny!
  • emjay6x3
    emjay6x3 Posts: 213 Member
    My good friend and co-worker hike two days after work, and every now and then we run into some grazing cows on our trek. I absolutely adore animals, so of course I try to head over to one of the chunky critters for a pet -- and off they run! I didn't say this out loud, because my co-worker would've given me a dirty look, but in my head I shouted, "Don't run! I'm one of you!!"

    I think one of the best qualities for a person to have is the ability to laugh at one's self.

    :love: :flowerforyou:

    :blushing: :heart:
  • SummerLovesPhil
    SummerLovesPhil Posts: 242 Member
    I'm not fat, I have a well-developed relationship with gravity.
  • oc1timoco
    oc1timoco Posts: 272 Member
    I was asked one time; Why don't you want to get in the pool? Because when I get out there will only be 1/4 inch of water left.
  • hookilau
    hookilau Posts: 3,134 Member
    My good friend and co-worker hike two days after work, and every now and then we run into some grazing cows on our trek. I absolutely adore animals, so of course I try to head over to one of the chunky critters for a pet -- and off they run! I didn't say this out loud, because my co-worker would've given me a dirty look, but in my head I shouted, "Don't run! I'm one of you!!"

    I think one of the best qualities for a person to have is the ability to laugh at one's self.

    giggle.gif
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    I'm so fat it took me two trips just to haul *kitten*
  • caryn7780
    caryn7780 Posts: 54 Member
    I went swimming one day (which does not happen often because I hate how I look in a bathing suit) and everything was fine. It was getting late and alcohol started flowing and my friends got the brilliant idea that everyone should just go skinny dipping. Everyone found it hilarious when I said "skinny dip...I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk"
  • Qski
    Qski Posts: 246 Member
    I don't think self deprecating humour is negative to yourself. We all know we are overweight and most are overweight because we eat too much and move too little.... I think it just takes the edge off.

    I really love water and get very self conscious about wearing bathers...

    So I use the lines to make myself feel better...
    If someone tries to push me back into the water, can you please save me (to whoever I was hanging out at the beach with - i've used this one multiple times it's a fave)

    if there isn't any water once I sit down, don't panic we can just fill the pool up again (to a friend's sons when I got in a plastic pool we add up on really hot day)

    I also had a "whale of a time" *snort* when I learned how to scuba dive, telling everyone how bouyant I was... I needed a lot of weight in my weight belt!

    I also threatened the same friend's sons with sitting on them, when trying to scold them

    When I saw ZombieLand for the first time - Rule No 1 = Cardio
    I looked at my partner and said... "Babe I'm going to die first aren't I?"

    oh... and to my partner either "Don't make me laugh so much/ Don't Tickle me, you're making all my fat bits jiggle"
    Then depending on the situation " Wow, that must have been really funny!"

    Love this thread!
  • deandria87
    deandria87 Posts: 6 Member
    My good friend and co-worker hike two days after work, and every now and then we run into some grazing cows on our trek. I absolutely adore animals, so of course I try to head over to one of the chunky critters for a pet -- and off they run! I didn't say this out loud, because my co-worker would've given me a dirty look, but in my head I shouted, "Don't run! I'm one of you!!"

    I think one of the best qualities for a person to have is the ability to laugh at one's self.

    Definitely made me laugh out loud just now. Your right at being able to laugh at once self. Life is to short, shouldn't take yourself so seriously. I just say I am thick in all the wrong places just my tummy really, get asked if I am preggo occasionally, Im like nope just fat (Straight face and all). LOL ( They learn their lesson)
  • deandria87
    deandria87 Posts: 6 Member
    My favorite fat joke moment recently: I told my husband I had lost five pounds. He said, "Five pounds! That is awesome. Aren't you excited?" I replied, "Yeah, real excited. That is like throwing an ash tray off the Titantic."

    Also: I told my husband I had lost nine pounds and to promise he would tell me if I get too skinny. HA! I only have 51 more pounds to go before I am just a normal weight. He thought that was hilarious.

    Wow I am cry laughing that was a good one!!! That's how I feel to.
  • sandyt_79
    sandyt_79 Posts: 12 Member
    I should start using toilet paper on my boobs, cause its done wonders for my ar$e..

    and another one..

    My ar$e is so big, I could start renting out billboard space...



    They make people laugh and i have a laugh with them, but it secretly makes me sad that I think that way about my self.. :(
  • Tonnenator
    Tonnenator Posts: 71 Member
    I've always had that problem too. But when my belly started getting bigger, rounder and harder, and I wasn't pregnant, I knew there was a problem. You might want to have your doctor do a Cat scan of your belly to see if there's any fluid there. I had 45 lbs of fluid and it ended up that I had cancer - BUT - the fluid can come from 175 different health problems. So, just sayin', you might wanna get that looked into... :) Be your own advocate and demand tests and results!
  • Tonnenator
    Tonnenator Posts: 71 Member
    People say to me, "How are you doing?" and I say, "Oh, fat 'n' sassy" and we all crack up.

    It never makes me feel bad about myself because I know how I gained the weight and I know how I'm gonna lose it. I'm not ashamed of myself and I have an awesome hubby who loves me. I just want to lose the weight so I won't have diabetes, sleep apnea and hopefully cancer anymore.

    Now then - one time my mom, when she was over 100 lbs bigger, was with her friend who was huge. They were in Amish country and they decided to take a horse and buggy ride. This old Amish man who had a long white beard was the driver, and he was very stern and serious. They both boarded the buggy and felt it sink.

    My mom looked at the guy and said, "I hope you have a strong horse" and he laughed until his tears met in his beard. :)
  • acupofcoffee
    acupofcoffee Posts: 15
    My hairdresser asked me if I wanted my hair cut to chin length and I told him I wanted it double chin length :-)

    I used the same line! I want my hair chin length, the second chin that is. The poor girl was so uncomfortable : )
  • JazmineYoli
    JazmineYoli Posts: 547 Member
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  • JazmineYoli
    JazmineYoli Posts: 547 Member
    Not too funny, but I always told my husband that instead of being a Trophy Wife, I was a Monument Wife.

    Cute and funny to me.
  • mustloseweightquick
    mustloseweightquick Posts: 14
    "I'm not fat, My hair is just too long so it weighs more "
    It is funny because I have VERY long hair lol
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    My buddy was 500 pounds, I was 400 and his brother was 300... We were walking down from CSU East Bay after graduation and the traffic was bumper to bumper... We were walking down as fast as the traffic this guy laid on his horn when we stepped into the street around an obstruction... I yelled back at him, "What You Never Seen Joggers Before!" Guy was lucky we didn't tear the doors off his mini van.

    I'm not normally a fan of fat jokes. I think they're kind of depressing, yet here I am reading them... But I love this! What an awesome comeback. :laugh: :drinker:
  • jaimrlx
    jaimrlx Posts: 426 Member
    I'm not a dime piece, I'm a godd*mn quarter.
  • pinkraynedropjacki
    pinkraynedropjacki Posts: 3,027 Member
    Well considering I was in denial about being fat it would be rather hard to make fat jokes about myself. But I'll happily do it about someone else.
  • Aerosam
    Aerosam Posts: 121 Member
    I have the body of a god - Buddah.
  • laele75
    laele75 Posts: 283 Member
    There is not enough like in the world for this thread.

    Not one of mine, but whenever I use food metaphors, my boyfriend will say 'I love when you talk to me in fat kid.'

    Now he's on here and lost 15 lbs already. ;)
  • kairsme
    kairsme Posts: 29
    I have an ongoing laugh with my husband that I do a little jig when something is tasty, my fat kid dance--pizza dance, cookie dance whatever.


    My family likes to say fake food rules, like if you only eat half a cookie, all the calories fall out...
  • Dinaouwingadriehaus
    Dinaouwingadriehaus Posts: 3
    I don't see no point in that.
    People make a fun out of you anyway.
    So way should I have to put my self down.

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