Weight Loss Jealousy

paulygi

I've read a fair bit about this topic, and like most I really didn't see this coming. I love my wife, we have been together 15 years, married 13, and raise 6 children. First off I'm not giving this woman or family up without a fight. Secondly I'm not giving up on me pr my weight loss.

Some questions for those who have delt with this with a spouse or partner. Please don't chime in with comments related to leaving the relationship.

How long before they got over it?

Was there something you said that finally reassured them?

Did your relationship make it in the end? What happened.

Generally I know I need to reassure that im not going anywhere with anyone but her. I complement her all the time. I've begun to ask her how she is feeling way more often. I hug and kiss her plenty. I'm available pretty much anytime. I don't bar hop or even go out for that matter. I don't talk about my weight loss when she is around or I down play it, (this hurts, having to downplay a complement may be modest but f moddest I'm changing my life here). I've been extra courteous toward her too. Trying to be the man I was to her 15 years ago hoping she will come around. All around I'm trying to be a better person too and be the role model my kids need. I want to be celebrating my loss not hiding it.

I've lost close to 55lbs( some before I stared here) and I plan another 55. But I fear for the worst in my relationship.

Thank you all.

Alluminati

What is she doing/saying that's making you feel like she's jealous or insecure about your weight loss?

CherylP67

I'm not telling you to leave.

Why are you doing all the work in your relationship? How old is your youngest child? Could your wife have baby blues or post patum depression?

You aren't going to be able to change your wife's thoughts, she has to want to do that in order to change.

You seem like a nice guy, I hope you and your wife can work this out.

princesstoadstool82

You sound like your doing everything right..
What is she ddoing to make you feel shes jealous ?

Maybe she is feeling insecure and unpretty.... hold her tell her all the things you love about her still. Touch her hold her hand in public.. good luck.

runningvegan

Is she overweight? Does she have the same available time and tools needed to lose weight just like you do? The only time I was jealous and upset with my husband for losing weight was when he would go to the gym every day, leaving me with the kids. He never made time to watch the kids so I could also have a chance to go. Now we alternate days, and it's no longer a one way street. Everyone is happier.

paulygi

She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.

ToFatT0B3S1ck

Here comes some honesty.

I said the same exact thing and I ended up leaving my husband of 8 years after I lost a lot of weight. All we did was fight and I couldn't take it anymore.

paulygi

Im doing all the work because I feel she and the family are very worth it. The youngest that she gave birth to is 9. We foster so there are 4 more after that.

I have started to show here way more affection in public. I held her hand through the mall. I even wanted to take her to a jewelry store. I have thos crazy idea about renewing our vows.

paulygi

Yes she is overweight, I was her eating buddy. Ive offered my help to show her the tools. I dont use the gym yet. Mostly walking on work lunch. I do situps pushups and squats about every 3 days at home. Using runtastic apps for that.

I have to also say that I am approaching her weight making her the bigger one as she put it.

She is just not ready for weight loss. The excuses are always there. She did go to a gym and chexk it out hut after I commended her all I got was negativity saying I wouldnt talk to her otherwise. So not true.

paulygi

Thanks for the honesty 2fat. I hope I can last till she cracks, I really dont want my kids to live in a broken family. It makes planning a wedding seating chart really annoying.

ToFatT0B3S1ck

It sounds like you went from accepting who she was to trying to change her just because you decided to lose weight. You pressuring her to change and talking about exercise and weight loss is probably making her feel bad about herself. If she doesn't want to lose weight, don't force her. Let her know you love her no matter what and do NOT try to change her. Remember that this is YOUR journey.

If I was her, I would be feeling unattractive. You as her husband are basically looking at her and saying, your over weight, lose some of it. She probably no longer feels comfortable naked around you, hence the sex issues. Its probably nothing that you are doing to change yourself that is causing the issues. It's about you trying to change her and not accepting the way she looks and has looked for a while.

somerisagirlsname

It sounds like you went from accepting who she was to trying to change her just because you decided to lose weight. You pressuring her to change and talking about exercise and weight loss is probably making her feel bad about herself. If she doesn't want to lose weight, don't force her. Let her know you love her no matter what and do NOT try to change her. Remember that this is YOUR journey.

If I was her, I would be feeling unattractive. You as her husband are basically looking at her and saying, your over weight, lose some of it. She probably no longer feels comfortable naked around you, hence the sex issues. Its probably nothing that you are doing to change yourself that is causing the issues. It's about you trying to change her and not accepting the way she looks and has looked for a while.

I thought in his original post he said he doesn't talk about it around her. I also thought that he meant he was commending her on checking out the gym, like "good job" not like "you really need to go to the gym." I could have read it wrong, but I haven't really read any evidence of him trying to change her...except for the "offering to show her my tools."

Edited for content (i.e. tools.)

ToFatT0B3S1ck

It sounds like you went from accepting who she was to trying to change her just because you decided to lose weight. You pressuring her to change and talking about exercise and weight loss is probably making her feel bad about herself. If she doesn't want to lose weight, don't force her. Let her know you love her no matter what and do NOT try to change her. Remember that this is YOUR journey.

If I was her, I would be feeling unattractive. You as her husband are basically looking at her and saying, your over weight, lose some of it. She probably no longer feels comfortable naked around you, hence the sex issues. Its probably nothing that you are doing to change yourself that is causing the issues. It's about you trying to change her and not accepting the way she looks and has looked for a while.

I thought in his original post he said he doesn't talk about it around her. I also thought that he meant he was commending her on checking out the gym, like "good job" not like "you really need to go to the gym." I could have read it wrong, but I haven't really read any evidence of him trying to change her...

It's the way it is coming off. With a massive loss, you talk about it. People notice you changing. Your not just losing weight, your personality changes completely. You can't avoid it. He said she makes excuses about not losing weight which means it has in fact come up in conversation. so he does talk about it He also said she has checked out the gym and just isn't ready to lose weight. If she wasn't ready to lose weight, she wouldn't have checked out the gym without being asked to or without it coming up in conversation.

paulygi

It sounds like you went from accepting who she was to trying to change her just because you decided to lose weight. You pressuring her to change and talking about exercise and weight loss is probably making her feel bad about herself. If she doesn't want to lose weight, don't force her. Let her know you love her no matter what and do NOT try to change her. Remember that this is YOUR journey.

If I was her, I would be feeling unattractive. You as her husband are basically looking at her and saying, your over weight, lose some of it. She probably no longer feels comfortable naked around you, hence the sex issues. Its probably nothing that you are doing to change yourself that is causing the issues. It's about you trying to change her and not accepting the way she looks and has looked for a while.

Not exactly. She had complained to me that I wasn't trying to help her. So I told her anytime she wants my help I'm here. She then a week later started talking about the gym so I encouraged her. Unless she was testing me with some sort of game I'd say she was atleast interested.

I have told her numerous times I love her no matter the size. She said she findsbit difficult to believe that a guy would want a larger than him wife. I said I was 50 lbs over her pretty much the whole time and she loved me why wouldn't I. Ive always been attracted to curvy ladies. Always will be. Like sir mix alot says 'I like big butts and I cant deny'

ToFatT0B3S1ck

It sounds like you went from accepting who she was to trying to change her just because you decided to lose weight. You pressuring her to change and talking about exercise and weight loss is probably making her feel bad about herself. If she doesn't want to lose weight, don't force her. Let her know you love her no matter what and do NOT try to change her. Remember that this is YOUR journey.

If I was her, I would be feeling unattractive. You as her husband are basically looking at her and saying, your over weight, lose some of it. She probably no longer feels comfortable naked around you, hence the sex issues. Its probably nothing that you are doing to change yourself that is causing the issues. It's about you trying to change her and not accepting the way she looks and has looked for a while.

Not exactly. She had complained to me that I wasn't trying to help her. So I told her anytime she wants my help I'm here. She then a week later started talking about the gym so I encouraged her. Unless she was testing me with some sort of game I'd say she was atleast interested.

I have told her numerous times I love her no matter the size. She said she findsbit difficult to believe that a guy would want a larger than him wife. I said I was 50 lbs over her pretty much the whole time and she loved me why wouldn't I. Ive always been attracted to curvy ladies. Always will be. Like sir mix alot says 'I like big butts and I cant deny'

Sorry, prying. I'm a Psychology major. It sounds a lot more like insecurities than jealousy. If that's the case, there is nothing you can say or do. She has to gain a bit of confidence. I hope everything turns out well for you. Be patient.

kimstwin

Don't give up! She may come around. I lost about 50lbs before my husband decided to join me. Although, your situation is different because she is not supportive. She is probably wanting to lose weight too, but maybe she's afraid to try.

NRSPAM

Well, you seem to be doing everything right, except for one thing I wonder about. Do you let her know that you think she's still sexy, even though she's overweight? If she's not happy with her body, why don't you ask her what's preventing her from changing it, and try to help her. I know it's hard to find time to exercise with kids. Would you be willing to let her go to a gym or whatever to workout, and take care of all the kids? I just have two kids, although one is 14, and able to help with the other one who is only 2, but it's still hard, but I manage. I do some stuff at home, and also go to the gym. Maybe you can find out what type of exercise she'd be interested in? I feel like Zumba is the answer for everything sometimes, but I honestly do love it, and I feel like everyone should, lol, but maybe she would like it too. I don't like doing zumba at home, but I love doing it at the gym, especially because it's the only time I get to see other adults, pretty much. I've made some really good friends there, and I love them to death! Other than encouraging her to change, or both of you excepting her the way she is, I really don't think there's anything you can do. My husband voiced his concern a long time ago, and I reassured him that I'm not doing this to turn anyone elses head, I'm doing it for myself, my health, and most of all to preserve my joints, so I'm not sitting in a wheelchair in 10 years. I have really bad joint issues, probably from being overweight since I was a kid, plus genetic reasons. I know he still thinks in the back of his head sometimes that it could be an issue, but I try to do the best I can to let him know that I love him, and show him affection. I think y'all need to have a long talk, but it boils down to the fact that you can't really do much more to get her to accept your lifestyle change, or make her change her lifestyle. It's really her problem. I really hope everything works out.

NRSPAM

BTW, my husband is, and always has been skinnier than me. He thought I was a hottie, even at 210lb's, (or so he says, lol) and still does now. (referring to the post that said she can't believe a guy would be happy with a larger woman.)

paulygi

Well, you seem to be doing everything right, except for one thing I wonder about. Do you let her know that you think she's still sexy, even though she's overweight? If she's not happy with her body, why don't you ask her what's preventing her from changing it, and try to help her. I know it's hard to find time to exercise with kids. Would you be willing to let her go to a gym or whatever to workout, and take care of all the kids? I just have two kids, although one is 14, and able to help with the other one who is only 2, but it's still hard, but I manage. I do some stuff at home, and also go to the gym. Maybe you can find out what type of exercise she'd be interested in? I feel like Zumba is the answer for everything sometimes, but I honestly do love it, and I feel like everyone should, lol, but maybe she would like it too. I don't like doing zumba at home, but I love doing it at the gym, especially because it's the only time I get to see other adults, pretty much. I've made some really good friends there, and I love them to death! Other than encouraging her to change, or both of you excepting her the way she is, I really don't think there's anything you can do. My husband voiced his concern a long time ago, and I reassured him that I'm not doing this to turn anyone elses head, I'm doing it for myself, my health, and most of all to preserve my joints, so I'm not sitting in a wheelchair in 10 years. I have really bad joint issues, probably from being overweight since I was a kid, plus genetic reasons. I know he still thinks in the back of his head sometimes that it could be an issue, but I try to do the best I can to let him know that I love him, and show him affection. I think y'all need to have a long talk, but it boils down to the fact that you can't really do much more to get her to accept your lifestyle change, or make her change her lifestyle. It's really her problem. I really hope everything works out.

I tell her all the time that she is the sexyest. To me she still is. We are going to talk tonight some more. Thanks

lavender_fairie

I've been the wife who was bigger than her husband. He got in really good shape while I got pregnant twice lol. I'm trying to lose now, and part of the reason is so I can I feel like we are the same again, like we used to be.

My husband has never said anything about my weight, going to the gym, or anything- not a hint of a whisper. He has only ever said I was beautiful and sexy, the love of his life, and the most important person in the whole world to him. It really helps my insecurities when that's all I ever hear from him.

Give it time. Hopefully she will come to understand that you love her exactly as she is. Women's insecurities about looks and weight are serious business. At least with me.

I like how you tell her you aren't going anywhere. I like how you want to hold the family together. Surely this will pass- you guys have been through a lot of years together. You aren't going anywhere. When she really believes that again, I bet it will get better.

Do thoughtful things. Little handwritten notes. Flowers. A date night. Whatever you guys did for fun a million years ago- do that again. Keep building a future with her.

And congrats on the weight loss!

Best of luck!! I hope to have 13 years of marriage too! What an accomplishment!

FitCanuckChick

Is she overweight? Does she have the same available time and tools needed to lose weight just like you do? The only time I was jealous and upset with my husband for losing weight was when he would go to the gym every day, leaving me with the kids. He never made time to watch the kids so I could also have a chance to go. Now we alternate days, and it's no longer a one way street. Everyone is happier.

This

I go in the am before work, hubby goes after work or after supper and we go together on weekends. My husband was my biggest cheerleader when I lost 120 pounds. Not because he thought I needed to lose weight, but because he was proud of my accomplishments. I have been thinking since I read ur post how I would have felt had it been reversed. The only jealousy would have been me being jealous of his willpower.

I have to say that 6 kids is a lot. Maybe your wife just needs to know its ok for her to take time to exercise. That you will take care of stuff at home. That you support her. Being reassured that she's a good mom even if she takes time for her.

FitCanuckChick

She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.

I have been married 4 16 yeas this friday and this is not something I would be saying on a public forum...it won't help and for sure your wife will know u are on Mfp. I would be seeking couples counselling.

TheFitHooker

You won't hear the "Leave" comment from me, that's one thing I don't think anyone should judge on doing unless they are in that relationship.

Ok so my husband and I have been married 10 together 12 years. I was always over weight, even when we were dating. He didn't seem to mind, there was only one time he ever made a comment about my weight but that was in a heated conversation, he called me a fat *kitten* lol. Anyways, that was over 2 year's ago. I lost my weight but during the journey he would make comments like "You're losing this weight and you are going to leave me, aren't you?" and "You are going to cheat on me, are you cheating on me?" Even though I've never given him any indication that I would leave him or cheat on him.

I have hit my weight loss goal and he's happy for me, but I do once in awhile here the "I need to put a leash on you so you won't leave me." and it would make me giggle if he didn't act as if I can't go hang out with my girl friends once in awhile. I do but usually that's like pulling teeth with him, I told him he can't expect me to sit in the house all the time and be happy, that he has got to trust me, I never given him any reason to doubt me.

Yes we're better but there is still a little tension there, we get along better but it's that one issue. I have one friend who's been begging me to meet her for lunch, and every time I bring it up it's "We need to watch the money right now." But one of them days was today, and he went to put money down on a new video game. Next time I'll just go and tell him after wards, because that's what he is driving me to doing. I don't ask him, I usually tell him "Hey, (girls name) wants me to go have lunch with her, so just letting ya know where I'll be." out of respect for him. He usually will have a reason as to why I can't. BUT when my mom invites me to go to Karaoke with them, he has no issues because it's my mom.

paulygi

BTW, my husband is, and always has been skinnier than me. He thought I was a hottie, even at 210lb's, (or so he says, lol) and still does now. (referring to the post that said she can't believe a guy would be happy with a larger woman.)

Thanks for that.

QuietBloom

She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.

I have been married 4 16 yeas this friday and this is not something I would be saying on a public forum...it won't help and for sure your wife will know u are on Mfp. I would be seeking couples counselling.

Good call.

paulygi

Thank you for all the great replies. This issue comes in a very close 2nd to lossing the damn weight.

paulygi

She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.

I have been married 4 16 yeas this friday and this is not something I would be saying on a public forum...it won't help and for sure your wife will know u are on Mfp. I would be seeking couples counselling.

Good call.

Agree but someone asked. Its hard to explain the problem without being honest about everything. As for the couple counseling, that would imply I am wrong somehow and willing to bargain or compromise. But I have nothing to compromise, I'm on the weight loss train to slimsville and its a one way ticket.

MrsFowler1069

I would never, ever tell you to leave your wife and I commend you for making your position on that clear from the beginning. Also, I think from reading your posts that you are trying hard to be as thoughtful and reassuring as you can. I admire your "I'm doing all the work because..." statement, simply because so many people are too selfish to think that their spouse may be struggling with something and for now the lion's share of the work might fall to them until things come around again, and instead adopt the thinking that "it's so unfair and I shouldn't have to do more than meet him/her halfway." It's a very loving attitude and I really hope that it all pays off.

Change is hard for people. You say were her eating buddy. I get that. And especially if she is a little insecure already, the recent changes may have her really off-balance. If she is making imaginary girlfriend comments, I would venture to say that she really is probably afraid that you may be lost to her as a result of the new things in your life. I'm not saying it's right or even logical, but emotions are funny, as you seem to be well aware.

The only suggestion I have, other than to keep doing what you're doing, is to focus a bit on finding new things to share. Whether that means taking up a hobby, doing puzzles, having game nights, making or building something together, having friends over for movies or yard volleyball or drinks, whatever. Maybe it also includes foods that fall into some common ground for you that you can still cook/seek out and enjoy together. Maybe she can begin to feel that you aren't losing your common interests and time together, but only that they are laterally shifting a bit to other things you can also share.

Of course, I don't know your life or circumstances and I don't mean to suggest that you don't spend time together. You may well be doing this already.

I wouldn't necessarily push fitness-related activities, until you begin to see some further cues from her that she is receptive to those. Just spend time with her and keep being thoughtful about her feelings and needs. I think you are doing a wonderful job. Don't give up.

Congratulations on your progress to date, as well. It's a great accomplishment with no doubt more to come.

MrsFowler1069

As for the couple counseling, that would imply I am wrong somehow and willing to bargain or compromise. But I have nothing to compromise, I'm on the weight loss train to slimsville and its a one way ticket.

Only the two of you can decide whether this is an option for you. However, the point of counseling isn't necessarily to find a compromise, but to help you communicate. If there are core things that aren't negotiable (and of course there are), then the idea would be to help one another to understand those, the reasons for them, and how to live with them together. Where compromises can be made, then sometimes a mediated communication can help you both to explore how best to accomplish that. Sometimes couples get into ruts or weird dynamics when trying to communicate about certain issues and need better tools, that's all.

FitCanuckChick

She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.

I have been married 4 16 yeas this friday and this is not something I would be saying on a public forum...it won't help and for sure your wife will know u are on Mfp. I would be seeking couples counselling.

Good call.

Agree but someone asked. Its hard to explain the problem without being honest about everything. As for the couple counseling, that would imply I am wrong somehow and willing to bargain or compromise. But I have nothing to compromise, I'm on the weight loss train to slimsville and its a one way ticket.

That is not what couples counselling is at all about. It is about being able to see each other through a different lens. And help get through a difficult time. If you truly want to work on this than work on this. Don't make this only about you and your weight loss. No matter what advice you get here Mfp will not save a marriage....

paulygi

The only suggestion I have, other than to keep doing what you're doing, is to focus a bit on finding new things to share. Whether that means taking up a hobby, doing puzzles, having game nights, making or building something together, having friends over for movies or yard volleyball or drinks, whatever. Maybe it also includes foods that fall into some common ground for you that you can still cook/seek out and enjoy together. Maybe she can begin to feel that you aren't losing your common interests and time together, but only that they are laterally shifting a bit to other things you can also share.

Of course, I don't know your life or circumstances and I don't mean to suggest that you don't spend time together. You may well be doing this already.

I wouldn't necessarily push fitness-related activities, until you begin to see some further cues from her that she is receptive to those. Just spend time with her and keep being thoughtful about her feelings and needs. I think you are doing a wonderful job. Don't give up.

Congratulations on your progress to date, as well. It's a great accomplishment with no doubt more to come.

Great suggestion. And hey I'm not perfect I just can describe everytging that is going on very easily. She is a great person having a problem with change.