Weight Loss Jealousy
Replies
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I just have to say, you seem to be going out of your way to compliment her and show affection and she is going out of her way to tear down your success. It's so selfish to ask you to stay fat so that she can feel better about herself. You shouldn't have to hide a part of your life from your wife, especially a part that is making you healthier and happier. I think if she's unwilling to support you, you'll just have to accept that you're on your own and keep doing your best to be good for her. But don't give up on you to make her feel better. She's a grown *kitten* woman. If she doesn't want to be bigger than you, no one can change that but her.0
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Okay, first thing I think you have to remember is that Rome wasn't built in a day. Your not going to fix this quick-your going to need to apply the same princples that you used to lose weight: doing the same things consistently over a long period of time! Make sure you give her affection and tell her you love her every single day-no matter what. I know what works for me the best is when hubby hugs me and looks in my eyes and kisses me-try doing that. Another thing that I did to try to get my hubby to see the light that I wasn't losing weight to leave him I made a fb post (you can add me on fb if you want and I will show it to you if you need ideas) addressed to unnamed made up people who I said were being negative about my weight loss addressing the fact that I was not doing this to leave my husband and that i was in fact doing it for my health with a rundown of all the good health benfits and all the negative side effects of having all this extra weight on-like not being ableto cross my legs! Def don't tell her things like you need to lose weight. Anything that she tries to do like that-support her and help her 100% but be very very careful because she might take your help as condesending-even if it's not. Simply because she's feeling very pretty vunerable right now. Try not to talk about you and the weight loss as much-talk about her and things that she is doing and make sure to really really encourage her when she tries to do things and see how it does from there!!0
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remember-this is going to be really hard on her too-especially if she is not ready to change. Not only have you changed your life but you've changed hers too and she didn't ask you to!!0
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remember-this is going to be really hard on her too-especially if she is not ready to change. Not only have you changed your life but you've changed hers too and she didn't ask you to!!
Got it. Thanks.
She baked me salmon today. ♥♥♡♡.0 -
To me this sounds like a control issue on her part. The fact that you are just going ahead with your plan--without her and in fact in direct opposition to her stated desires--is upsetting the balance of power in the relationship and she doesn't like it. No amount of reassurances, gifts, etc. is going to make up for the fact that she told you she doesn't like it--and you are doing it anyway. This is not a healthy dynamic and doesn't fall under simple jealousy. Her reaction when you suggested talking to someone speaks volumes...she is used to being in charge and wants to keep it that way.0
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mmmmmmmmmmmm---well ??????? Have you ever tried to involve her in your efforts? Not exercising if she doesn't want to, but ask her to help you plan your meals. And reassure her that you are doing this for HER future. You want to be around for her--forever and then some. May take a bit, but don't give up--you can even involve the kids in exercising--fun runs, bike races, etc...
She just may be alittle unsure of herself at this point.0 -
remember-this is going to be really hard on her too-especially if she is not ready to change. Not only have you changed your life but you've changed hers too and she didn't ask you to!!
Got it. Thanks.
She baked me salmon today. ♥♥♡♡.
That sounds wonderful! Do you take it to be a kind of peace offering in any way?
Keep up the good relationship work.0 -
remember-this is going to be really hard on her too-especially if she is not ready to change. Not only have you changed your life but you've changed hers too and she didn't ask you to!!
Got it. Thanks.
She baked me salmon today. ♥♥♡♡.
That sounds wonderful! Do you take it to be a kind of peace offering in any way?
Keep up the good relationship work.
Thanks. I told thanks for the salmon and I love you too. Made my day.0 -
remember-this is going to be really hard on her too-especially if she is not ready to change. Not only have you changed your life but you've changed hers too and she didn't ask you to!!
Got it. Thanks.
She baked me salmon today. ♥♥♡♡.
Awww.
I don't have much to add that others haven't said. I think, as some have said, that it's just being consistent day in and day out with what you're doing. It takes time to see results.
I do think that you might consider addressing the "your girlfriend" "jokes," though... Depending on your wife and how she takes things. Something gentle but direct like, "Babe, I know you're just joking, but it does hurt when you make jokes about that. I'd rather you not. Our relationship is the most important thing there is to me and it hurts me to even joke about something like that." When she keeps saying stuff like that, even as a joke, makes it part of your mental soundtrack but more importantly part of hers. She doesn't need to reinforce that niggling insecurity. I used to make jokes like that and my husband called me on it. Just not repeating that stuff made a surprising difference.
Good luck to you guys. 0 -
Your wife sounds overworked and underpaid. How many kids in there ya say? Hire a babysitter during the day so she can get "me" time. To do whatever she wants. Doesn't include going to a gym cuz obviously she doesn't like it. Do you two have Date night? A standing Date night? If money is tight, it doesn't always have to be about dinnerandamovie....it can be a picnic in the park, long walks on the beach....getting to know one another again. And it should never be about sex. That part will come when she is feeling better about herself.
Congrats on your weight loss journey. I would not let this stop me from getting fit and buff. Who knows, in the future she may even get a secret thrill touching your muscles!
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Difficult situation getting a baby sitter for 6. But the kids are all at school pr daycare all day. She works around the house most days. Shops others.
The thing is 6 kids in not too hard. We don't really think of them as a job though.
Hockey season is here now so she'll get plenty of time talking with the others moms at the rink. 3 kids playing this year.0 -
Hockey season is here now so she'll get plenty of time talking with the others moms at the rink. 3 kids playing this year.
seriously?0 -
Your wife sounds overworked and underpaid. How many kids in there ya say? Hire a babysitter during the day so she can get "me" time. To do whatever she wants. Doesn't include going to a gym cuz obviously she doesn't like it.
I've been married for 13 years and this sure sounds like rewarding bad behavior to me. He doesn't mention her having problems with the "workload" prior to his weightloss, so this seems like a bit of a stretch to me.
Do what you need to do to get yourself healthy. I agree with the people who suggested to stop feeding her drama llama.0 -
Maybe invite her to workout with you or something sometime!0
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Difficult situation getting a baby sitter for 6. But the kids are all at school pr daycare all day. She works around the house most days. Shops others.
The thing is 6 kids in not too hard. We don't really think of them as a job though.
Hockey season is here now so she'll get plenty of time talking with the others moms at the rink. 3 kids playing this year.
LOL. Really?!
I've been (am) the jealous one. For me, it's not about my SO looking for another woman or not finding me attractive. I know he loves me unconditionally and that he is committed to me and our relationship.
I'm jealous of the time he gets to spend on himself.
Be honest with yourself. Does she REALLY have the same amount of time to herself as you do? Does she have free time or is that time spent picking up after the kids and you? You say she shops sometimes during the day. Is that grocery shopping and household shopping or is that shopping for herself. Just herself?
Even if she does have the time, does she believe she does? Or, does she think that if she doesn't do X it won't get done therefore she has to do it?
Does she show her love through food? Are you no longer eating her food and, therefore, rejecting her love?
These are just some things that fuel my own jealousy.0 -
OP I can completely understand what you are going through. My husband and I have been married for 18 years with 2 girls, 16 and 11. We are happily married, but he is jealous of my success. Not because he can't lose weight, but because I have the drive to do something about it. He is in some kind of a depression and can't kick himself out of it. Seeing me full of energy and feeling good makes him feel bad about himself. He has a lot of physical aches and pains from his job that we both know would feel better if he took better care of himself, but he just doesn't have the will power or desire to do it.
I don't have any advice on you and your wife other then to keep reassuring her and don't give up. I just wanted to offer support that you are not alone. I hope you and your wive figure it out.0 -
It sounds like it's her not you. There's nothing you can do that you are not already doing. You can't not change or control someone else -actions or feelings. If you haven't already try and talk to her about it. Maybe she needs to talk to a professional if she's not happy (depression?).0
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Hockey season is here now so she'll get plenty of time talking with the others moms at the rink. 3 kids playing this year.
seriously?
Hockey = Me time?0 -
If she had it her way she'd be at every practice. We love watching the kids play hockey.Hockey season is here now so she'll get plenty of time talking with the others moms at the rink. 3 kids playing this year.
seriously?
Hockey = Me time?0 -
Difficult situation getting a baby sitter for 6. But the kids are all at school pr daycare all day. She works around the house most days. Shops others.
The thing is 6 kids in not too hard. We don't really think of them as a job though.
Hockey season is here now so she'll get plenty of time talking with the others moms at the rink. 3 kids playing this year.
A lot of what you have been saying is how "we" do not think of them as a job, she has plenty of time since they are in daycare, etc.
It is a lot of work to have SIX children, heck even one. Men have this idea that they are working hard since they spent the entire day at work and the wife what does she do? Nothing, like the house automatically gets cleaned and everything is placed in order. Just the laundry for 8 people is a major task.
Try to understand her. She has been with you since she was 18-20. Did she go to college? Have you thought that she might had different dreams on what she wanted to do with her life instead of being a stay at home mom of 6? She is overworked and tired, and worried because you are doing everything that all the websites and magazines give as signs that your husband is cheating on you. I would suggest that you have an honest and sit down talk with her and suggest both couples, as well as individual therapy for her to help her clear her mind. Suggest to her to sign up to mfp, and do not be her friend there, let her find her own individual friends and find her lost self, find other women who undergoing the same issues. Reading the forums, there are many of them here. Suggest that she can go to a gym so that she can go out of the house, but that if she prefers she can do videos from the websites. There are plenty of great videos free on youtube like in the Befit channel she can start with the Leslie Sansome walking, or the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred, try the fitnessblender videos, etc. The issue with the bedroom shows that there are many unresolved and not discussed problems in your relationship so you need to sit down and talk about them. I would also let her read this thread, without discussing it. May be you can write long letters to each other talking how you feel about yourselves and each other. Writing, with a pen, not the computer, helps people think more. It can be a start to clarify what is in your minds and are thinking about.0 -
LOL. Really?!
I've been (am) the jealous one. For me, it's not about my SO looking for another woman or not finding me attractive. I know he loves me unconditionally and that he is committed to me and our relationship.
I'm jealous of the time he gets to spend on himself.
Be honest with yourself. Does she REALLY have the same amount of time to herself as you do? Does she have free time or is that time spent picking up after the kids and you? You say she shops sometimes during the day. Is that grocery shopping and household shopping or is that shopping for herself. Just herself?
Even if she does have the time, does she believe she does? Or, does she think that if she doesn't do X it won't get done therefore she has to do it?
Does she show her love through food? Are you no longer eating her food and, therefore, rejecting her love?
These are just some things that fuel my own jealousy.
Thanks for giving me your insight.
She does most of her shopping alone or with the oldest.
She has the time just needs to prioritize.
Yes she shows me love through food. She has been awsome that way. The last few weeks have gotten better and better. Will post an update soon0 -
I'm happy to report she seems to be over this hump. She is more happy these days. She has been planning and cooking meals that are good for the whole family including me. I cook too.
Everything is good in bed too. I could always have more or go back for seconds, thirds,..., but I'll just take this one day at a time. I do tell her these things from time to time too. Just so she knows I'm absolutely nuts for her.
Today she even sent me a pic of the twins with a love you. She has never done that before.
Thank you everyone who helped!0 -
OP I can completely understand what you are going through. My husband and I have been married for 18 years with 2 girls, 16 and 11. We are happily married, but he is jealous of my success. Not because he can't lose weight, but because I have the drive to do something about it. He is in some kind of a depression and can't kick himself out of it. Seeing me full of energy and feeling good makes him feel bad about himself. He has a lot of physical aches and pains from his job that we both know would feel better if he took better care of himself, but he just doesn't have the will power or desire to do it.
I don't have any advice on you and your wife other then to keep reassuring her and don't give up. I just wanted to offer support that you are not alone. I hope you and your wive figure it out.
Thanks. Yeah its pretty much if I got a complement she was thinking the opposite was said to her. I fully understand. With hockey season going now we are running into alot of people that haven't seen me for monthes and the responses are so motivating. I was worried she was going to get supper upset but she seems to be on the up and up. I'd swear shes dropped a few lbs recently too.0 -
Difficult situation getting a baby sitter for 6. But the kids are all at school pr daycare all day. She works around the house most days. Shops others.
The thing is 6 kids in not too hard. We don't really think of them as a job though.
Hockey season is here now so she'll get plenty of time talking with the others moms at the rink. 3 kids playing this year.
LOL. Really?!
I've been (am) the jealous one. For me, it's not about my SO looking for another woman or not finding me attractive. I know he loves me unconditionally and that he is committed to me and our relationship.
I'm jealous of the time he gets to spend on himself.
Be honest with yourself. Does she REALLY have the same amount of time to herself as you do? Does she have free time or is that time spent picking up after the kids and you? You say she shops sometimes during the day. Is that grocery shopping and household shopping or is that shopping for herself. Just herself?
Even if she does have the time, does she believe she does? Or, does she think that if she doesn't do X it won't get done therefore she has to do it?
Does she show her love through food? Are you no longer eating her food and, therefore, rejecting her love?
These are just some things that fuel my own jealousy.
This is so on point!
Glad to hear things are getting better, though.0 -
Hang in there!!! I know what you are going thru....just remember to keep the lines of communication open..that is the MOST important thing...its hard..but you will get thru it....just hang in there.... I have been on both sides of the coin...one where my hubby was losing weight and looked awesome...(and he still does even though he gained weight back) and now me on the weight loss rollercoaster...and the one girl that posted that not only does your weight change, but your whole persona changes...and its alot of change happenening all at once...so its hard for the other person to take all of this change in....keep chatting and keep the faith... good luck!!
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I think she might feel like she lost her "fat buddy", I've had many friends react negatively when I became more active and less unhealthy. She might feel insecure that you might leave her now, like maybe it's a mid life crisis you're going through.
All I can say is reassure her you love her, and slowly she might turn around. Good luck!0
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