Non supportive partner

mumblemagic

Well it seems the penny has dropped. He just came home and handed me a pack of cookies and told me to try one. I scan the pack and he laughs. I tell him each one is 150 calories. 'So, each one of those cookies is worth one spoon of oil, which is why you were unhappy with me adding that much oil, as you'd rather have something like a cookie instead'. Hallelujah!!

Haha, that's adorable! Glad you guys are figuring it out. He seems like he's really trying to understand. Calorie counting can be a really foreign concept to some. (My mother, too, was absolutely /boggled/ by the idea of counting liquids when she decided to try using the app. "Except sodas, I KNOW they're bad." :ohwell:)

This ^^

And ...

My boyf wasn't unsupportive in terms of my desire to lose weight, but he doesn't always get what is and is not low calorie, and on his own he can't be bothered with vegetables. He does all the cooking in the evening which can make it difficult, and he doesn't need to lost any weight so can eat crisps and snacks as much as he wants. Now that I'm communicating what is and is not low calorie, he's helping make our evening meals lighter, and adding salads and things to make them healthier. He's actually enjoying eating more veg. I compromise and eat very low cal in the day so I have a bit more lea-way in the evening. He's a great cook so it's really worth it for me.

I know it can be frustrating when it doesn't seem like the boyf is complying. If he is still being awkward and telling you the calorie counting is ridiculous, ask him to reserve judgement for 3 months. You'll lose some weight and/or get more toned, which he will love, and you can demonstrate how beneficial the new regime is. One thing I would say is if he doesn't want to change his eating habits, don't try to make him as he may come to resent it.

P.S. when he makes a really lovely healthy meal, you could always reward him with stockings

steve2kay

I vote ditch him, move house, change all your friends - you can't be too careful where calories are concerned.

WhyDelilah79

I vote ditch him, move house, change all your friends - you can't be too careful where calories are concerned.

Best advice I have heard. I'm on it. ;-)

Possible_Infinity

It’s a healthy fat and yes its caloric as hell!

That being said maybe approach it little differently with him.



Us Dudes are visual :glasses: :glasses:

Write it all down “like a breakdown of calories and Oil” it might make a difference.

ndj1979

You work around it. Just continue to do what you are doing. Don't be a pain to your partner, just keep politly expressing your concerns. Over time, in your case it might be a while, he will get it. If you have to bring it up at every meal then do so just keep a calm head about it. Another little trick i do is that i keep my calorie goal set 200 calories lower then i actually want to eat. This makes up for the secret hidden stuff in my food when my spouse cooks.

so if someone keeps trying to sabotage your weight loss you just nod your head and say 'thank you' and do nothing...*shakes head and walks away in astonishment*

Oh_Allie

I've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years now and the calorie counting thing is pretty new here, too. He does the cooking (and he's a fantastic cook), but over the past month or so, I've really had to sit him down and explain over and over (and over and over) what I need from him and why. He gets it, but he doesn't have to watch his weight at all, so it's pretty foreign to him.

For example, I thought I taught him how to use the food scale pretty well, I mean, it's not exactly rocket science so I figured he understood. Last night, he made dinner (pork chops-with the bone, brown rice, some green beans), and dished it all up onto the plate and came to me with it saying it was XX grams. He was so pleased with himself for weighing the meal that I almost didn't have the heart to say that I needed individual measurements for each item and that he didn't need to weigh the plate.

Stick with it, eventually he'll really get it and you'll be a stronger couple for it.

Edit: Just wait for the day you tell him you have to count calories in something like pepper. Watch his face, the look is priceless.

michellemybelll

You work around it. Just continue to do what you are doing. Don't be a pain to your partner, just keep politly expressing your concerns. Over time, in your case it might be a while, he will get it. If you have to bring it up at every meal then do so just keep a calm head about it. Another little trick i do is that i keep my calorie goal set 200 calories lower then i actually want to eat. This makes up for the secret hidden stuff in my food when my spouse cooks.

so if someone keeps trying to sabotage your weight loss you just nod your head and say 'thank you' and do nothing...*shakes head and walks away in astonishment*

^^^agreed completely.


OP seems to have her mind made up. WTF are you doing posting on here? take it elsewhere if you don't want to read views opposing your own, and keep eating the crap he feeds you.

bannedword

Edit: Just wait for the day you tell him you have to count calories in something like pepper. Watch his face, the look is priceless.

Please tell me you don't actually do this....

littleburgy

A lot of times people genuinely just don't think about stuff like this -- portions, cooking measurements, surprise calories. Heck, if we thought of these things, a number of us including myself wouldn't be here.

I agree with just guiding him along patiently, if he understands how much this means to you and is happy to be the cook, he'll catch on. If not, can't be bothered, or strongly takes issue with it, then you'll have to take matters and meals into your own hands. I think it's great that so many men out there cook, my husband isn't one of them. :ohwell: But on the bright side I'm able to keep intake well monitored.

PennyM140

I know you're trying to stay on top of things and counting your calories, but if bf isn't dieting too, how can you expect him to know not to put oil on the steak? Which makes it very yummy by the way.
I'm sorry but you're being very hard on him and expecting him to do the work for you. If you don't want to figure out the calories in something he has cooked, for you, then you're going to cook for yourself.
If you look at this from his point of view for a minute hopefully you will see things a bit differently. You decided to make a change, and it sounds like you are demanding him to make one as well when he has no reason or desire to.

jdad1

I know you're trying to stay on top of things and counting your calories, but if bf isn't dieting too, how can you expect him to know not to put oil on the steak? Which makes it very yummy by the way.
I'm sorry but you're being very hard on him and expecting him to do the work for you. If you don't want to figure out the calories in something he has cooked, for you, then you're going to cook for yourself.
If you look at this from his point of view for a minute hopefully you will see things a bit differently. You decided to make a change, and it sounds like you are demanding him to make one as well when he has no reason or desire to.

Well said^^^
She is the one watching her calories. He does not have to do it for her. Just stress the importance of knowing what is in your food so you can log accuretly. Don't be a pain and nag about it. Work around it or cook for yourself.

dsjohndrow

You hand your man a list of what you will and won't eat. May as well give him portion sizes too. If he can't just do it without understanding, it's sad. When my wife say she doesn't like eggplant, I don't cook it. Rocket Science 101.

Holly_Roman_Empire

My husband does the "add oil without telling me" too. He always says it's only a tablespoon or two, not realizing that a couple tablespoons is NOT a nondescript amount of calories. Those things add up when it's oil you're talking about! Now I tell him he can add whatever he wants to food as long as he tells me, and he also has to realize that if whatever he adds makes me go over, that means more time I have to spend working out while he watches the baby. That almost took care of the problem right there.

slouw10

Think for some of the men that does not need to watch their weight it is a very wierd and "over the top" thing - counting calories on dressings and oil etc. My husband is very suportive, but also tends to forget that the oil he cooks with amounts to the extra kg on my rear end! After a few gentle remainders he seems to get it. Just to be on the safe side - I save a few calories every day for the chance of him having added something I should not eat - just incase.

imogen__may

I understand why people are kinda jumpy when it comes to this subject, it's a tricky one but for some it'll open relationship issues that are stressful. I'm really pleased he seems to have understood a little more, let's hope his education grows and support is unconditional!

My advice, buy frylight

rml_16

Easy fix: Start cooking your own food and quit talking to him about it.

vim_n_vigor

OP, not to completely change the subject here, but if you are looking to try getting pregnant in a few months, a 1400 calorie a day low-fat diet is probably not optimal. There is nothing wrong with trying to shed some weight and get into better shape at all, but you really want to be getting the most nutrients built up in your body as you can right now. Iron and calcium rich foods, healthy fats (olive oil, coconut oil) will help prepare you for pregnancy. Trying to eat too much of a deficit won't help you build up these stores that you need for pregnancy.

drinknderive

Maybe it's time for you to take on more of the cooking responsibilities.

vim_n_vigor

You hand your man a list of what you will and won't eat. May as well give him portion sizes too. If he can't just do it without understanding, it's sad. When my wife say she doesn't like eggplant, I don't cook it. Rocket Science 101.

Really? When my husband cooks (which is most of the time), he knows what each of us in the family like, don't like and despise. Sometimes, someone is stuck with something they despise, in which case, they are to be polite and take a small amount and eat it, and if they need more food, they go and get it themselves. It is my responsiblity to pick my portion size, not my spouse.

GGDaddy

Okay, so boyfriend cooks. Well isn't that super-duper. But let's not kid ourselves--cook or no cook he is sabotaging her efforts. He just doesn't get it? Give me a break. Gleefully ordering ribs and showing up with cookies is some pretty passive-aggressive stuff.

That said, I'm not saying dump the guy. It doesn't have to be either/or. But there are bigger issues at stake.

OP--I might suggest a conversation that focuses more on your needs in the relationship, and less on the merits of counting calories. "This is important to me, so I hope it's important to you. And when you sabotage my efforts, I feel like you are not supporting me." His response should tell you a lot about the relationship generally...

crash_aly

My situation is a little different...my boyfriend is very supportive but we simply have different bodies that have different needs. His body handles carbs and happily where as mine feels mostly destroyed afterwards. We both cook so it isn't like I can just take control in the kitchen of what he makes. But I can take control of what I put in my body. If it's his night to cook and he makes a meal that is really high in calories/fats/carbs then I simply make a salad and greatly reduce my portion size of whatever he made. When we first met he would load my plate up with as much food as his (he is 6'2 and works a very active job, I am 5'6 and have a desk job) I simply would not finish it. He is now realizing that I cannot eat as much as him and that me taking an evening to be at the gym or waking up early to go isn't me saying I don't want to spend time with him or whatever but that I need to take care of myself.

If he doesn't want to support you in this, then simply don't partake in his destruction. He wants to order ribs and wings, great...go in the kitchen and make something else. I gained all the weight I am trying to lose while I was in a similar relationship...my ex wanted to eat out all the time, was naturally thin/high metabolism...and I know that it is still my own fault for gaining the weight. I still ate the food and didn't put in the work. I cannot blame him it is my body. I know this sounds easier than it is to do. It's great that he thinks you are good the way you are, but if you aren't happy with your body it won't matter how much he loves it.

Cyclingbonnie

For someone that is not worried about their own weight and loves you just the way you are, calorie counting can seem an alien thing, and sometimes obsessive.

My partner is actually very supportive but it took him a while to understand that I needed to count EVERYTHING, not just solid foods. The idea of weighing or measuring things like sauces and oil didn't occur to him either. You have to think, we'd been together for 4 years by this point and had always just eaten what we liked, and never worried about calories. It was quite a big change.

Your partner has admitted he's not supporting you and that he will try harder. I would give him a chance. Keep on doing what you are doing and try to educate him as you go. Sit down and have an adult conversation rather than a row and explain how much it means to you.

My husband is supportive, but at the same time he just doesn't get it. He swings back in forth, when I eat something he things should be off limits, he will ask "can you have that?" I again explain to him that nothing is off limits as long as it fits into my calories. I ride on Mondays long rides for a few weeks and decide to have pizza on a couple of those nights. Suddenly Mondays are Pizza nights. So I explained to him that unless I have had a HUGE workout, it is hard to get enough food, to take care of hunger with Pizza and stay within my calories. So what does he do, but go and buy sugar free candy to make up for when I don't eat artificial sweeteners.

He has never had, or will ever have a weight problem. He is 70 years old and has never weighed more than about 5 pounds from what he did when he finished boot camp at 18 years old. His mother is the same way and she lives with us. So they have candy, chips, cheetos, cake, popcorn, fried pies and the list goes on. At first it was hard for me to stand up to it. But I'm getting better at it.

So OP my advice is to calmly explain, don't argue, don't fight. In the long run ... he'll become supportive as it does sound like he is caring. The important thing is to always remain calm with the discussion. It is important, but at the same time it should not become something that makes you a food Nazi. Since you are about to try and start a family show him literature about the benefits to you and the baby for you to be an appropriate body make up. Even have the doctor explain it to him. Good luck!

MysteriousMerlin

I think it's wonderful he finally came around. It's so difficult to make all these changes in the first place, and without support from the person you love, it's even more so. Just make sure you show him some appreciation for the support! *wink*

ebr250

I've had similar problems with my spouse, especially when it came to meat, butter and restaurant food which often upset my stomach. It just takes a lot of repetition of "eating that makes me feel sick" and cooking for yourself. If you come home and your boyfriend has cooked something that doesn't fit your plan, just make something else and tell him he can eat your portion the next day for lunch. It seems you've been pretty clear about how you want your food prepared so it's probably better to just not bring it up anymore to save yourself the argument and aggravation. Cooking something for yourself can be a pain, but it's worth it. He may even come around and start preparing your portion with more consideration.

WhyDelilah79

OP, not to completely change the subject here, but if you are looking to try getting pregnant in a few months, a 1400 calorie a day low-fat diet is probably not optimal. There is nothing wrong with trying to shed some weight and get into better shape at all, but you really want to be getting the most nutrients built up in your body as you can right now. Iron and calcium rich foods, healthy fats (olive oil, coconut oil) will help prepare you for pregnancy. Trying to eat too much of a deficit won't help you build up these stores that you need for pregnancy.

Thanks very much for that. Most days I'm working out at the gym, so for 5 out of 7 I'm eating more calories than that, that is just my net calories. Also, I'm not aiming for low fat, if I have spare calories I'm all for fat. I'm also taking pre pregnancy multi vitamins and making myself eat more calcium.
I'm going to see my dr on Monday so I will talk to her about it.

To everyone else, thanks very much for your advice, even the ones who don't actually give motivation and support, which I guessed from the title was the point of this area. And some getting on high horses, this is obviously more important in your life than mine. I would rather keep my partner and be huge (which I'm not) than split up from him simply not understanding something. That seems an odd concept to you, sure, but it's the way it is. Keep repeating that I should get rid of him only makes you sound bitter.

Anyway, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has been through this. That is truly supportive. :-)

spotty82

OP I dont know if this has been mentioned already because I cbf reading 3 pages to find out, but if his reason for using cooking oil is for non-stick reasons, it may be worth investing in stoneware cooking pots.

I have a set, and they are not cheap (around $220 for 2 frying pans and a casserole dish) but you will NEVER have to use oil or spray or butter again. PLUS they are so easy to clean it's ridiculous. I literally run mine under the tap after cooking and that's it even if I melt cheese etc in them. I know I sounds like an advertisement for them, but they really are that good!

mumblemagic

Okay, so boyfriend cooks. Well isn't that super-duper. But let's not kid ourselves--cook or no cook he is sabotaging her efforts. He just doesn't get it? Give me a break. Gleefully ordering ribs and showing up with cookies is some pretty passive-aggressive stuff.

That said, I'm not saying dump the guy. It doesn't have to be either/or. But there are bigger issues at stake.

OP--I might suggest a conversation that focuses more on your needs in the relationship, and less on the merits of counting calories. "This is important to me, so I hope it's important to you. And when you sabotage my efforts, I feel like you are not supporting me." His response should tell you a lot about the relationship generally...

My inital thoughts were "be patient and communicate with him because he probably doesn't understand healthy eating" (see my earlier post). I suspect this is right, based on your later posts. However, it could be a passive-agressive controlling move, in which case this poster's advice is very good. Probably a good idea to work out which.

Once I read this post, I remembered that I had a similar (if a bit more low-key) discussion with the boyf months ago when I first started dieting, in which I said I find it really hard to avoid sweet foods and diet, but I really need to for my health and happiness, so I needed him to support me. His response was "tell me what I need to do and I will do it", which is great. Having a similar discussion with yours would probably be helpful, although given that his lack of support / inexperience with healthy food is already giving you some anxt, I would be a bit more serious about it as this poster suggests and lay it on the line. If he's happy to support you then you need to plan your meals together, even if he is cooking, so he knows what to expect, because he can't fit dinner into your daily calories if he doesn't know what his budget is!