Non supportive partner

Options
2

Replies

  • Submariner5
    Submariner5 Posts: 49
    Options
    Don't be afraid to be "selfish." Embrace it. If he cooks a meal that you doesn't fit your plan, don't eat it. Don't bother arguing about it. He will probably be angry that, in his mind, he went out of his way to do something nice for you and you don't appreciate it. But leaving him to figure out what to do with the extra portion that will go unconsumed is probably the best way to make your point. You don't have to argue or get mad at all. Just say "Wow- I appreciate what you did here, but I'll fix something for myself."

    I'm in a smiliar situation being deployed and getting care packages from people who don't get what is going on. Lots of candy and carbs of every shape and variety. I just tell the people who sent it that the rest of the people here at the base really seemed to enjoy it because I set it out on the table and it dissapears. I don't feel bad at all telling them that I apppreciate their thoughtfulness, but I didn't eat a single bite of what they sent. I know that is different from your situation in that I am not sitting there cooking somethig else while they watch what they cooked sitting there uneaten, but it has some applicability I think.
  • WhyDelilah79
    WhyDelilah79 Posts: 54 Member
    Options
    Thanks very much everyone.
    It is upsetting that he is not supportive, but I'm not at dumping him level just yet. ;-)
    I expect ups and downs in a relationship, it is could be far worse than this.

    He just really doesn't seem to get how calories work, although I'm trying to educate him. I think part of it is that he thinks I'm trying to change what he is eating, which I'm not at all. He is still buying cakes etc, I'm making myself salads and not trying to get him to eat them. I don't make negative comments about what he's eating at all if its just him eating.
    Shopping is fine etc, it's just when it comes to cooking he things it's all ott.

    It never ceases to amaze me how many people on here just go 'oh he's not worth being your partner for x reason, just split up'. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Glad to hear he is finally getting it.

    I must admit, that shocks me too. It isn't like he's done something unforgivable, and I don't know anyone who is 100% perfect all the time. I also don't know anyone at all who is in a long term relationship where they are not allowed to disagree with someone for fear of being dumped.
    I'm just pleased he is finally getting it. :-)
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
    Options
    Boyfriend cooks and orders a take out meal.
    People recommend that the OP break up.
    MFP here for shooting down relationships over calories ...

    Love it. Smh.
  • WhyDelilah79
    WhyDelilah79 Posts: 54 Member
    Options
    Boyfriend cooks and orders a take out meal.
    People recommend that the OP break up.
    MFP here for shooting down relationships over calories ...

    Love it. Smh.
    Then he really could say I was taking it all too seriously, and he'd have a very good point. ;-)
  • m00tmike
    m00tmike Posts: 248 Member
    Options
    This is incredibly stressful!! You are trying to change your life for the better and a person you thought was your "better half" seems to be weighing you down. The only thin I will say is don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Maybe from now on you cook your own food. If he gets butt hurt about that then oh well. He needs to accept that you are living healthier and not let it upset him that you count calories. I've done this same thing with my wife. Sometimes, if dinner looks especially cheesy and I don't have the calories I will make myself something. But I wouldn't tell you to break up. That seems pretty drastic.
  • MJ_Watson
    MJ_Watson Posts: 180 Member
    Options
    Well it seems the penny has dropped. He just came home and handed me a pack of cookies and told me to try one. I scan the pack and he laughs. I tell him each one is 150 calories. 'So, each one of those cookies is worth one spoon of oil, which is why you were unhappy with me adding that much oil, as you'd rather have something like a cookie instead'. Hallelujah!!

    Haha, that's adorable! Glad you guys are figuring it out. He seems like he's really trying to understand. Calorie counting can be a really foreign concept to some. (My mother, too, was absolutely /boggled/ by the idea of counting liquids when she decided to try using the app. "Except sodas, I KNOW they're bad." :ohwell:)
  • SuperCrsa
    SuperCrsa Posts: 790 Member
    Options
    Thanks very much everyone.
    It is upsetting that he is not supportive, but I'm not at dumping him level just yet. ;-)
    I expect ups and downs in a relationship, it is could be far worse than this.

    He just really doesn't seem to get how calories work, although I'm trying to educate him. I think part of it is that he thinks I'm trying to change what he is eating, which I'm not at all. He is still buying cakes etc, I'm making myself salads and not trying to get him to eat them. I don't make negative comments about what he's eating at all if its just him eating.
    Shopping is fine etc, it's just when it comes to cooking he things it's all ott.

    It never ceases to amaze me how many people on here just go 'oh he's not worth being your partner for x reason, just split up'. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Glad to hear he is finally getting it.

    Yeah this is awesome. Hope he continues supporting you :)
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    Options
    Well it seems the penny has dropped. He just came home and handed me a pack of cookies and told me to try one. I scan the pack and he laughs. I tell him each one is 150 calories. 'So, each one of those cookies is worth one spoon of oil, which is why you were unhappy with me adding that much oil, as you'd rather have something like a cookie instead'. Hallelujah!!

    Glad its worked out. I think people are just creatures of habit. When faced with something new it takes a while to "click".
  • PJ64
    PJ64 Posts: 866 Member
    Options
    So let me get this straight HE COOKS and there's a lot of women on here implying he's an unsupportive douche! I get that he doesn't "get it" My wife cooks and she "didn't get it" either, so at first I used portion control then worked with her to show her how important it was, then I cooked and I F-ING HATE AND LET ME STRESS I F-ING HATE TO COOK. But I cooked some healthy meals

    Now she looks at all my health magazines for ideas and finds great meals

    BUT. He COOKS I swear if he didn't cook the women would call him a lazy slob and tell you to dump him, but he freaking cooks and he's unsupportive? Its lose/lose with some people. Not you OP you seem very nice. Work with the guy!
  • WhyDelilah79
    WhyDelilah79 Posts: 54 Member
    Options
    Ha ha. Thanks very much everyone. :-)
  • mumblemagic
    mumblemagic Posts: 1,090 Member
    Options
    Well it seems the penny has dropped. He just came home and handed me a pack of cookies and told me to try one. I scan the pack and he laughs. I tell him each one is 150 calories. 'So, each one of those cookies is worth one spoon of oil, which is why you were unhappy with me adding that much oil, as you'd rather have something like a cookie instead'. Hallelujah!!

    Haha, that's adorable! Glad you guys are figuring it out. He seems like he's really trying to understand. Calorie counting can be a really foreign concept to some. (My mother, too, was absolutely /boggled/ by the idea of counting liquids when she decided to try using the app. "Except sodas, I KNOW they're bad." :ohwell:)

    This ^^

    And ...

    My boyf wasn't unsupportive in terms of my desire to lose weight, but he doesn't always get what is and is not low calorie, and on his own he can't be bothered with vegetables. He does all the cooking in the evening which can make it difficult, and he doesn't need to lost any weight so can eat crisps and snacks as much as he wants. Now that I'm communicating what is and is not low calorie, he's helping make our evening meals lighter, and adding salads and things to make them healthier. He's actually enjoying eating more veg. I compromise and eat very low cal in the day so I have a bit more lea-way in the evening. He's a great cook so it's really worth it for me.

    I know it can be frustrating when it doesn't seem like the boyf is complying. If he is still being awkward and telling you the calorie counting is ridiculous, ask him to reserve judgement for 3 months. You'll lose some weight and/or get more toned, which he will love, and you can demonstrate how beneficial the new regime is. One thing I would say is if he doesn't want to change his eating habits, don't try to make him as he may come to resent it.

    P.S. when he makes a really lovely healthy meal, you could always reward him with stockings :tongue:
  • steve2kay
    steve2kay Posts: 194 Member
    Options
    I vote ditch him, move house, change all your friends - you can't be too careful where calories are concerned.
  • WhyDelilah79
    WhyDelilah79 Posts: 54 Member
    Options
    I vote ditch him, move house, change all your friends - you can't be too careful where calories are concerned.
    Best advice I have heard. I'm on it. ;-)
  • Possible_Infinity
    Possible_Infinity Posts: 83 Member
    Options
    It’s a healthy fat and yes its caloric as hell!

    That being said maybe approach it little differently with him.



    Us Dudes are visual :glasses: :glasses:

    Write it all down “like a breakdown of calories and Oil” it might make a difference.
  • ndj1979
    ndj1979 Posts: 29,136 Member
    Options
    You work around it. Just continue to do what you are doing. Don't be a pain to your partner, just keep politly expressing your concerns. Over time, in your case it might be a while, he will get it. If you have to bring it up at every meal then do so just keep a calm head about it. Another little trick i do is that i keep my calorie goal set 200 calories lower then i actually want to eat. This makes up for the secret hidden stuff in my food when my spouse cooks.
    so if someone keeps trying to sabotage your weight loss you just nod your head and say 'thank you' and do nothing...*shakes head and walks away in astonishment*
  • Oh_Allie
    Oh_Allie Posts: 258 Member
    Options
    I've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years now and the calorie counting thing is pretty new here, too. He does the cooking (and he's a fantastic cook), but over the past month or so, I've really had to sit him down and explain over and over (and over and over) what I need from him and why. He gets it, but he doesn't have to watch his weight at all, so it's pretty foreign to him.

    For example, I thought I taught him how to use the food scale pretty well, I mean, it's not exactly rocket science so I figured he understood. Last night, he made dinner (pork chops-with the bone, brown rice, some green beans), and dished it all up onto the plate and came to me with it saying it was XX grams. He was so pleased with himself for weighing the meal that I almost didn't have the heart to say that I needed individual measurements for each item and that he didn't need to weigh the plate.

    Stick with it, eventually he'll really get it and you'll be a stronger couple for it. :)

    Edit: Just wait for the day you tell him you have to count calories in something like pepper. Watch his face, the look is priceless.
  • michellemybelll
    michellemybelll Posts: 2,228 Member
    Options
    You work around it. Just continue to do what you are doing. Don't be a pain to your partner, just keep politly expressing your concerns. Over time, in your case it might be a while, he will get it. If you have to bring it up at every meal then do so just keep a calm head about it. Another little trick i do is that i keep my calorie goal set 200 calories lower then i actually want to eat. This makes up for the secret hidden stuff in my food when my spouse cooks.
    so if someone keeps trying to sabotage your weight loss you just nod your head and say 'thank you' and do nothing...*shakes head and walks away in astonishment*
    ^^^agreed completely.


    OP seems to have her mind made up. WTF are you doing posting on here? take it elsewhere if you don't want to read views opposing your own, and keep eating the crap he feeds you.
  • bannedword
    bannedword Posts: 299 Member
    Options

    Edit: Just wait for the day you tell him you have to count calories in something like pepper. Watch his face, the look is priceless.

    Please tell me you don't actually do this....
  • littleburgy
    littleburgy Posts: 570 Member
    Options
    A lot of times people genuinely just don't think about stuff like this -- portions, cooking measurements, surprise calories. Heck, if we thought of these things, a number of us including myself wouldn't be here.

    I agree with just guiding him along patiently, if he understands how much this means to you and is happy to be the cook, he'll catch on. If not, can't be bothered, or strongly takes issue with it, then you'll have to take matters and meals into your own hands. I think it's great that so many men out there cook, my husband isn't one of them. :ohwell: But on the bright side I'm able to keep intake well monitored. :)
  • PennyM140
    PennyM140 Posts: 423 Member
    Options
    I know you're trying to stay on top of things and counting your calories, but if bf isn't dieting too, how can you expect him to know not to put oil on the steak? Which makes it very yummy by the way.
    I'm sorry but you're being very hard on him and expecting him to do the work for you. If you don't want to figure out the calories in something he has cooked, for you, then you're going to cook for yourself.
    If you look at this from his point of view for a minute hopefully you will see things a bit differently. You decided to make a change, and it sounds like you are demanding him to make one as well when he has no reason or desire to.

Categories