Non supportive partner

WhyDelilah79

I'm sure I can't be the only person who has been in this situation, but it's sucking my motivation.

I am at two weeks tomorrow of calorie counting. I joined a gym 2/3 months ago, and had been building up my fitness. My weight went up a tiny bit, probably from more muscle or water. I just felt like I would like to actually see some more changes as well as bringing my body fat percentage down.
I'm not over weight, BUT what weight I do have is all around my stomach, which as someone pointed out a couple of weeks ago, makes me look pregnant. (Yer, nice I know).
My hip to waist ratio has me in the obese range, and according to my scales (I know not totally accurate, but better than nothing) my fat percentage is currently 32%.
We are going to be trying for a baby in a couple of months, and I want my body in the best shape it can be.

Enter boyfriend. He thinks I'm fine as I am, going to the gym is great, but that I don't need to diet. I'm on 1450 net calories, so it isn't like I'm starving myself. He does a lot of the cooking, and I have been hovering to weigh everything I am going to eat. He keeps telling me I'm going too far and shouldn't worry about it.
Last Friday I got home from the gym and two minutes later a take away delivery arrived of ribs and wings! He was all pleased with himself for getting us a treat..... Five days into my calorie counting.... I had salad. I tried to explain to him but he doesn't really get why it is bad.

Sunday I did two gym classes, and had been looking fowards to being able to have some treats. We were having t bones for dinner. I came in to weigh mine to find he had drenched it in olive oil. He guessed at about two table spoons. So about 300 calories worth! I tried to explain that oil is really high in calories and that if I can do without I will. He told me the whole calorie counting is ridiculous and that I'm taking it too far recording cooking oil. Big argument time.
In the end he agreed that he wasn't being very supportive about something important to me, and would try harder, and wouldn't add anything without checking with me.

Come yesterday, the cooking oil strikes again! Only about a table spoon, but on a day I had worked out my calories already and didn't have spare. Again he tells me I'm being ridiculous. (I was supposed to be cooking this meal by the way, he just came to 'help'). I said we agreed not to add anything without telling me. 'But it's just a little bit of oil'. This was to cook something which didn't need any oil added at all (diet or no diet).

What do you do when you have someone who just doesn't 'get' it? He is beginning to have me uninspired to even go to the gym which I had had no problems with before.

jdad1

You work around it. Just continue to do what you are doing. Don't be a pain to your partner, just keep politly expressing your concerns. Over time, in your case it might be a while, he will get it. If you have to bring it up at every meal then do so just keep a calm head about it. Another little trick i do is that i keep my calorie goal set 200 calories lower then i actually want to eat. This makes up for the secret hidden stuff in my food when my spouse cooks.

Kr1ptonite

Yeah i can be very hard for people to understand counting calories and such. And it can come across as being extreme. I get it all time, but just stick to your guns and hopefully overtime he will come to understand why and what you are doing.

SuperCrsa

My boyfriend does the same thing! lol. He keeps adding extra calories into the meals he cooks. I try and stay in charge of the kitchen now. But he enjoys cooking for me and I love his food! I think they dont always get it, my boyfriend has never been one that needs to diet or lose weight, and he also tells me that it wont really count lol. I know hes not being vindictive, perhaps just doesnt understand it all.

With the oil, Ive noticed my fats are anyways too low, so I have started logging olive oil in with a meal, work it out into my calories. We dont live together, so on the days that I am at his cooking mercy, I try and save up extra calories during the day so I have quite a bit to spend at night with him. Maybe you can try balance your calories out a bit more? Save some extra up for dinner.

Just keep focused, once you start losing some more weight, and feeling fantastic and keeping up with the habit he will get used to it, and more than likely really start enjoying your new body and fantastic new confidence! Good luck :flowerforyou:

michellemybelll

You work around it. Just continue to do what you are doing. Don't be a pain to your partner, just keep politly expressing your concerns. Over time, in your case it might be a while, he will get it. If you have to bring it up at every meal then do so just keep a calm head about it. Another little trick i do is that i keep my calorie goal set 200 calories lower then i actually want to eat. This makes up for the secret hidden stuff in my food when my spouse cooks.

your advice sucks. it's not her fault that her partner sounds like he's being kind of a douche. how is she being a pain to her partner? it's the other way around. i'd be annoyed if i was the OP. you've obviously expressed how important this is to your partner on multiple occasions, and he seems to be choosing to ignore you and its importance to you. could be some form of jealousy on his part, who the hell knows. the above advice really irks me, and is putting blame on the OP. not cool, nor is it her fault. i'd sit my partner down and have a serious talk about it, if you haven't already. if you have already, and on multiple occasions, and if this is something that is as important to you as it seems - well, it may be time to re-evaluate some things. a life partner should be one who supports you, and especially with something like this that is doing no harm whatsoever.

good luck.

SuperCrsa

You work around it. Just continue to do what you are doing. Don't be a pain to your partner, just keep politly expressing your concerns. Over time, in your case it might be a while, he will get it. If you have to bring it up at every meal then do so just keep a calm head about it. Another little trick i do is that i keep my calorie goal set 200 calories lower then i actually want to eat. This makes up for the secret hidden stuff in my food when my spouse cooks.

your advice sucks. it's not her fault that her partner sounds like he's being kind of a douche. how is she being a pain to her partner? it's the other way around. i'd be annoyed if i was the OP. you've obviously expressed how important this is to your partner on multiple occasions, and he seems to be choosing to ignore you and its importance to you. could be some form of jealousy on his part, who the hell knows. the above advice really irks me, and is putting blame on the OP. not cool, nor is it her fault. i'd sit my partner down and have a serious talk about it, if you haven't already. if you have already, and on multiple occasions, and if this is something that is as important to you as it seems - well, it may be time to re-evaluate some things. a life partner should be one who supports you, and especially with something like this that is doing no harm whatsoever.

good luck.

I thought her advise was pretty good. It is the OP's desire to lose weight and it shouldnt depend on the partner to do the right thing. I wouldnt want to dump my partner just because he doesnt get it, and being able to stay calm about the situation, and discuss it openly. Saving up some extra calories for the dinner is probably going to be way less painful than the break up lol.

michellemybelll

You work around it. Just continue to do what you are doing. Don't be a pain to your partner, just keep politly expressing your concerns. Over time, in your case it might be a while, he will get it. If you have to bring it up at every meal then do so just keep a calm head about it. Another little trick i do is that i keep my calorie goal set 200 calories lower then i actually want to eat. This makes up for the secret hidden stuff in my food when my spouse cooks.

your advice sucks. it's not her fault that her partner sounds like he's being kind of a douche. how is she being a pain to her partner? it's the other way around. i'd be annoyed if i was the OP. you've obviously expressed how important this is to your partner on multiple occasions, and he seems to be choosing to ignore you and its importance to you. could be some form of jealousy on his part, who the hell knows. the above advice really irks me, and is putting blame on the OP. not cool, nor is it her fault. i'd sit my partner down and have a serious talk about it, if you haven't already. if you have already, and on multiple occasions, and if this is something that is as important to you as it seems - well, it may be time to re-evaluate some things. a life partner should be one who supports you, and especially with something like this that is doing no harm whatsoever.

good luck.

I thought her advise was pretty good. It is the OP's desire to lose weight and it shouldnt depend on the partner to do the right thing. I wouldnt want to dump my partner just because he doesnt get it, and being able to stay calm about the situation, and discuss it openly. Saving up some extra calories for the dinner is probably going to be way less painful than the break up lol.

well i disagree, obviously. when something is important to one party in a relationship, and something as harmless as watching calorie and nutritional content that one is consuming (not only is this harmless, but it is actually beneficial), you shouldn't have to fight for the "right" to incorporate it into your life. F that.

SuperCrsa

well i disagree, obviously. when something is important to one party in a relationship, and something as harmless as watching calorie and nutritional content that one is consuming (not only is this harmless, but it is actually beneficial), you shouldn't have to fight for the "right" to incorporate it into your life. F that.

You do have a very good point there actually, it shouldnt even be an issue that causes fight for the right to be healthy! Got me thinking!

lauren3101

For someone that is not worried about their own weight and loves you just the way you are, calorie counting can seem an alien thing, and sometimes obsessive.

My partner is actually very supportive but it took him a while to understand that I needed to count EVERYTHING, not just solid foods. The idea of weighing or measuring things like sauces and oil didn't occur to him either. You have to think, we'd been together for 4 years by this point and had always just eaten what we liked, and never worried about calories. It was quite a big change.

Your partner has admitted he's not supporting you and that he will try harder. I would give him a chance. Keep on doing what you are doing and try to educate him as you go. Sit down and have an adult conversation rather than a row and explain how much it means to you.

sdreed25

well i disagree, obviously. when something is important to one party in a relationship, and something as harmless as watching calorie and nutritional content that one is consuming (not only is this harmless, but it is actually beneficial), you shouldn't have to fight for the "right" to incorporate it into your life. F that.

Agree with this entirely, relaionships are about support no matter what the topic IMO

FarAway02

Sit him down and tell him that you want his support. He's your partner. Your PARTNER. He's supposed to support you in everything you do regardless of whether it makes his life a bit more difficult...or whether it makes him feel guilty about not watching his own health (which you may well find is why he's encouraging you not to...).

Tell him that you love him and, as a result, his support means a lot to you. You understand his concerns and want him to be aware that you will not take weight/fat loss to an unhealthy level (ie. you will still be body positive and you will not, ever, reach the underweight category).

Show him how much his support means to you....you might find he's more willing to give it.

Much luck to you..

DiaryofaMadFatMan

At some point, you have to decide who do you love more yourself or your boyfriend. If he can't support your decision to better yourself, maybe that's something you need to re-examine. It really says a lot about a person who hinders their partner's happiness. Significant others are a dime a dozen. FYI: Guys don't waste their time with women who don't share their vision but women tend will spend a lifetime with one. SMH.

patrickfish7

I had the same problem and still do to a degree. I've lost three stone over the last three years, not all on here mind. My partner wasn't 100% with me doing it, fears of me leaving her etc (as if I would anyway). As a qualified sport scientist I knew a lot already but now know even more but my partner was never willing to listen and even encourage.

It is something you have to live with, these negatives makes the positives even more sweet.

in terms of the oil, a little isn't a disaster but there needs to be reasoning behind it. Calories-wise, count over the week and not on set days. I still have roasts etc but I make sure I've done the effort in the week to earn that.

amylouize2012

Hey hun,

My ex used to do stuff like that all the time when I was dieting.

Looking back that was actually a really bad situation because I wasn't even fat then and he used to tell me I was all the time, yet he would sabotage my diet by "caramelizing my veg". Yes exactly, why anyone would want heated stringy sugar on their veg is beyond me; same story with ordering treats when asked not to, and then arguing with me for not eating it and putting oil on my dinner or frying my food when I NEVER fry food, simply because I don't like the taste.

This is why he is my ex. I was 10 years into that relationship, engaged 5 years and it was 3 months to our wedding (everything booked and paid for) when I walked away because for once in my life I had to do what was right for me.

Maybe your boy/f. genuinely feels that you look fab as you are and is making innocent mistakes and genuinely thinks he is not doing any harm. If it continues though you should question his motives. Is he happy with himself?

If he is just being unsupportive and doesn't mean it or doesn't realise you will have to find a way to tell him that he won't see as nagging. I you nag, even if you don't feel you are, once he thinks you are he will switch off and agree with everything you say without actually listening.

I would suggest just give him a hug and say thanks so much for cooking/ordering this treat but I really can't eat that, hope you don't mind. Big kiss and make your own food. He will soon get fed up making/ordering stuff you won't eat, it may lead to a few rows but if you try to keep yourself in good form (rather than going on the defensive and telling him he is sabotaging you just say sorry hun I've given up oil/fast food or whatever the offending product is but I really appreciate the effort you made.......) you should be just fine.

I am now happily married but my hubby lost his job recently and I stopped going to the gym because I felt that it wasn't fair on him sitting home all day and then me going to the gym after work instead of rushing home to him. I felt so guilty and to be honest he said to me that he didn't want me to give up the gym but asked me if I could go for shorter sessions. The short answer is no because I have a lot of weight to loose and once I make the effort of getting to the gym I like to give it a good go.

Anyways I stopped going, stopped logging my food, gained 8 pounds in like 3-4 weeks and felt like crap.

So I had to talk to hubby and tell him I was gonna be going at least every second day because it is just something I need to do. He said it was fine but to be honest I know he is sulking a little. Unfortunately though he is just going to have to get over it.

Don't sacrifice yourself, your health or your happiness for someone else hun, ever. I will never make that mistake again and I know that it will lead to glitches but ultimately my relationship will be better over all because it works both ways. xx

WhyDelilah79

Thanks very much everyone.
It is upsetting that he is not supportive, but I'm not at dumping him level just yet. ;-)
I expect ups and downs in a relationship, it is could be far worse than this.

He just really doesn't seem to get how calories work, although I'm trying to educate him. I think part of it is that he thinks I'm trying to change what he is eating, which I'm not at all. He is still buying cakes etc, I'm making myself salads and not trying to get him to eat them. I don't make negative comments about what he's eating at all if its just him eating.
Shopping is fine etc, it's just when it comes to cooking he things it's all ott.

annakow

no support..no partnership

WhyDelilah79

no support..no partnership

You support your partner 100% in everything even if you don't agree with it? You are a better person than me if so. I certainly didn't support my partner in his choice of car which he worships....

pinktoesjb

I can relate to both sides of this as a year or so ago my bf constanty told me I didn't eat enough, it was just a treat, it's only a small cake etc, he cooked me massive breakfasts then massive lunches then wanted to go out for chinese. We both love our food and we both like to cook for eachther so we both put on some serious pounds in our first year together.

Then this easter for various reasons he became a mega clean eater, and he's a stubborn sod he does things fully so trying to feed him is a nightmare and he is constantly cutting out more and more from his diet for increasingly weird reasons.

But he still tells me counting calories is no good and I should just eat better/cleaner things in any quantity!

It's massively frustrating for both of us as we work from different sides of the same goal but we don't live together so we only have to put up with it at weekends. Don't get me started on eating out with him....

Anyway, if the relationship works then your other half is going to need to learn to shut up and let you do your thing, and maybe you need to appreciate once in a while that it is impacting on him and that if he doesn't quite get it you probably are as frustrating to him as he is to you!

Aint love grand.

BTW if he just wont listen or take you seriously, tell him to do one.

edited for typos....

WhyDelilah79

Well it seems the penny has dropped. He just came home and handed me a pack of cookies and told me to try one. I scan the pack and he laughs. I tell him each one is 150 calories. 'So, each one of those cookies is worth one spoon of oil, which is why you were unhappy with me adding that much oil, as you'd rather have something like a cookie instead'. Hallelujah!!

jdhoward_101

I was in that situation with my ex. He would LITERALLY force chocolate and crisps down my throat and find it hilarious. My advice is stick to your guns. Not only is it about you losing weight and being happier, it's the principle of it; YOU want to do this for YOU, YOU wnat to be healthier and happier and feel more positive about yourself, what right does he have to deny you this?! I'm sure you would support him if he was in your shoes right? Yes, partnerships are complex and you always have to think of the other person, but he clearly isn't thinking of you here. Sorry to be blunt, but i know how hard it can be to get into that place where you say, 'right, i'm ready to change my life; i know it will be difficult, but god damnit i'm going to do it!' Don't let anyone take you away from the place X

lauren3101

Thanks very much everyone.
It is upsetting that he is not supportive, but I'm not at dumping him level just yet. ;-)
I expect ups and downs in a relationship, it is could be far worse than this.

He just really doesn't seem to get how calories work, although I'm trying to educate him. I think part of it is that he thinks I'm trying to change what he is eating, which I'm not at all. He is still buying cakes etc, I'm making myself salads and not trying to get him to eat them. I don't make negative comments about what he's eating at all if its just him eating.
Shopping is fine etc, it's just when it comes to cooking he things it's all ott.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people on here just go 'oh he's not worth being your partner for x reason, just split up'. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Glad to hear he is finally getting it.