Goals & Spouses

lisalsd1

My husband and I were having a discussion and need outside opinions.

The question is basically: how much should your spouse's opinion about your physical appearance matter toward your goals? Every situation is probably different, BUT we were just wondering what other people thought.

Here's the background: I told my husband that I thought he was getting "too big." He, of course, took this as a compliment (I mean "big" as in muscles, not fat). My personal preference is more of a medium build on men. Personally, I don't like the really large "traps;" he, of course, always points out men with huge "traps," b/c he thinks it looks cool.

I, naturally, have a larger butt...I've been working on that area. He told me "not to lose my butt." So it goes both ways here.

If you take health out of the equation, and it is purely just based on your spouse's physical preference...how much weight should their opinion carry? Just curious.

MisterDerpington

I think take their opinion into consideration, but it should be about personal happiness.




Except for dat butt. Never lose dat butt.

jimmmer

Opinions are like....

Seriously though, I'll look how I want. If other people are down with that, then cool. If someone wants to leave me because I've added some beef to my traps... well that wasn't a very deep relationship, was it?

My partner should value me for my sensitive nature and subtle turn of mind...

clarkeje1

I think take their opinion into consideration, but it should be about personal happiness.




Except for dat butt. Never lose dat butt.

Agreed. It is important to consider what your spouse wants but ultimately it is your body, your decision. If the other person can't accept that then you should find someone who will.

FUELERDUDE

In my opinion, I could care less if my wife lost 50lbs or gained 50lbs (In regards to looks, but I'd become concerned about health.). I'm attracted to her for much more than just her physical attributes. I'll side with let each other obtain the physique each wishes to acquire so long as it's healthy.

FrnkLft

The only opinion that matters is my opinion. Don't loose the butt.

lol

JoRocka

For me there is definitely a point of no return. If BF put on 50 lbs- I'd leave.

I can't stick around. I'm already on the edge of frustrated with his completely inept workouts and inability to really train. It drives me INSANE.

But I have no right to push/question/challenge that and all it does is start fights. he's a grown *kitten* man and if he wants to be a fat *kitten* so be it.
I started dating him when he was out of shape. and I have continued to date him while he was out of shape.

But that doesn't mean I don't hate it.

So I do my own thing. and he has to deal with his own fat a%$ on his own. But if he gets fat- I'm out. I cant' do it. He's already out of shape- I can't deal with out of shape and fat. I just cant'. I love him- he's wonderful- and amazing and awesome- but I can't do fat. it's beyond unappealing to me. I have a hard time as it is- the turn on aspect is very edgy as it is. fat would put me off him completely.

You do you- and I'll do me. If what you are doing pushes me past my comfort zone- I'll mention it- and then I'll leave if we can't come up with a compromise. And I would expect the same of him. I suspect he will not appreciate my bulk. I'm expecting to put on 10 lbs. He doesn't care if I'm more plushy- but I suspect the more ripped look isn't going to be his cup of tea. If he hates it- he can leave.

We'll see. I'm all about doing what's right for you- with some minor input from said other.

lisalsd1

Geez...all the "don't lose the butt" comments sound EXACTLY like my husband.

lisalsd1

The only opinion that matters is my opinion. Don't loose the butt.

lol

Geez...all the "don't lose the butt" comments sound EXACTLY like my husband.

RekindledRose

As far as in my home, my body belongs to my husband and his body belongs to me.

If I wanted to keep the attitude that his opinion didn't matter then I wouldn't have gotten married. Marriage is a different situation than just having a boyfriend/girlfriend; it's total commitment both ways.

So yeah, his opinion is the only one that matters.

But that's my opinion.

And what do I know? We've "only" been together 22 years and we married during college.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I don't know. This is a hard one. Luckily for me my husband and I have the same "idea" for women's bodies. However I prefer larger physiques in men than he currently he has. He does endurance mountain bike racing. But it's his body, and racing is something that is really important to him so I don't say anything, and just cry myself to sleep at nigh for the 10lbs of muscle he's lost in the last few years (kidding, he's still sexy, just leaner).

lisalsd1

As far as in my home, my body belongs to my husband and his body belongs to me.

If I wanted to keep the attitude that his opinion didn't matter then I wouldn't have gotten married. Marriage is a different situation than just having a boyfriend/girlfriend; it's total commitment both ways.

So yeah, his opinion is the only one that matters.

But that's my opinion.

And what do I know? We've "only" been together 22 years and we married during college.

I kind of get what you are saying...I'm the one that has to look at the over-developed traps. I feel like my opinion REALLY matters for him...but his opinion on my body...eh, matters a little less. Somebody posted earlier that there has to be compromise too! I'm working my adductors (the inside of my thighs), but leaving the outside of my thighs the way he likes them!

BusyRaeNOTBusty

Is he going to stop loving you, stop having sex with you if you lose your butt? Are you, if his traps get too big? Will you be embarrassed to be seen in public with him? I don't think either of you should dictate how the other looks.

jwdieter

My guess is you're both overthinking this. Seriously, traps too big? Working inner thigh but not outer thigh? Come on now.

Keiras_Mom

My husband and I have both been obese together and we're now thin together. I don't love him more or less based on his physical appearance, and he's the same with regards to mine. We have a much deeper emotional connection than that. He's never told me "lose more" or "stop losing" and leaves that entirely up to me.

Now, the sex, the sex is definitely better when we're both thin. :smooched:

FrnkLft

As far as in my home, my body belongs to my husband and his body belongs to me.

If I wanted to keep the attitude that his opinion didn't matter then I wouldn't have gotten married. Marriage is a different situation than just having a boyfriend/girlfriend; it's total commitment both ways.

So yeah, his opinion is the only one that matters.

But that's my opinion.

And what do I know? We've "only" been together 22 years and we married during college.

I kind of get what you are saying...I'm the one that has to look at the over-developed traps. I feel like my opinion REALLY matters for him...but his opinion on my body...eh, matters a little less. Somebody posted earlier that there has to be compromise too! I'm working my adductors (the inside of my thighs), but leaving the outside of my thighs the way he likes them!

"eh, matter a little less." That's hilarious, and I'm glad you're being honest.

You can't spot reduce though, so your inside v. outside of thigh thing isn't going to get you anywhere. Unless you've got your bodyfat% down real low so your shape comes from your muscles, you're going to be sorely out of luck.

Also, my best guess is that this is a "thigh gap" thing. I don't get women's obsession with that crap (yes, it's crap). You're a woman, which means you're built like a woman, and women are supposed to have thighs! Never met a man who gave a damn about "thigh gap", it's like shoes only women mind and they're being stupid too.

KANGOOJUMPS

I do it for me,,,, not for my spouse.
I COME FIRST.

juliewatkin

I looooooove monster traps. Just thought I'd add that in. I'd like my own traps to be bigger but I digress.

My husbands opinion always comes into consideration. However, we both compete in powerlifting so there is no real disparity in our physical appearance except that he thinks I'm a bit too lean now. Having said that, he appreciates that the weight cut was to drop weight classes so he rolls with it.

Your husband/wife's opinion should always be taken into consideration but within reason. For instance, I think about cutting my hair off but he likes it the length it is so I leave it.

Chieflrg

Should be taken in consideration yes. Most people would want to be appealing to their S/O. Although it shouldn't be a deal breaker. Or rather if it is, moving on & allowing him to find someone who appreciates him for who he is on the outside as well as the inside is best.

FrnkLft

I looooooove monster traps. Just thought I'd add that in. I'd like my own traps to be bigger but I digress.

My husbands opinion always comes into consideration. However, we both compete in powerlifting so there is no real disparity in our physical appearance except that he thinks I'm a bit too lean now. Having said that, he appreciates that the weight cut was to drop weight classes so he rolls with it.

Your husband/wife's opinion should always be taken into consideration but within reason. For instance, I think about cutting my hair off but he likes it the length it is so I leave it.

oooooh man, do NOT mess with the hair... not unless you want to see a grown man cry lol

Holly_Roman_Empire

As far as my husband goes, his opinion on my shape does not get taken into consideration. All I want is for him to still think I'm physically attractive, and he always has, considering that he met me at my heaviest weight. He knows that unsolicited opinions are not desired.

But compliments? I'll take a "You look hott!" any time of day all day long!

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I looooooove monster traps. Just thought I'd add that in. I'd like my own traps to be bigger but I digress.

My husbands opinion always comes into consideration. However, we both compete in powerlifting so there is no real disparity in our physical appearance except that he thinks I'm a bit too lean now. Having said that, he appreciates that the weight cut was to drop weight classes so he rolls with it.

Your husband/wife's opinion should always be taken into consideration but within reason. For instance, I think about cutting my hair off but he likes it the length it is so I leave it.

oooooh man, do NOT mess with the hair... not unless you want to see a grown man cry lol

Yeah, I cut off my hair too. He still loved me and found me attractive.

JoRocka

men who think the only handle to exist is the long hair cut seriously need to get out and live a little.

short hair FTMFW.

seriously- it's a significantly superior handle than long hair.

MisterDerpington

Geez...all the "don't lose the butt" comments sound EXACTLY like my husband.

There are some subjective qualities of sexiness or beauty. And there's one objective one: dat butt.

MisterDerpington

I looooooove monster traps. Just thought I'd add that in. I'd like my own traps to be bigger but I digress.

My husbands opinion always comes into consideration. However, we both compete in powerlifting so there is no real disparity in our physical appearance except that he thinks I'm a bit too lean now. Having said that, he appreciates that the weight cut was to drop weight classes so he rolls with it.

Your husband/wife's opinion should always be taken into consideration but within reason. For instance, I think about cutting my hair off but he likes it the length it is so I leave it.

oooooh man, do NOT mess with the hair... not unless you want to see a grown man cry lol

Short hair is sexy as all get out if done right.

ItsCasey

I do think it is important to make an effort to maintain the physical attraction when you get married, but if there's something you really want to do with your body/appearance because it makes you happy (and is not going to jeopardize your well-being), then NOT doing it because your spouse is against it is going to cause resentment at some point. Some things really matter. Some things really don't. It comes down to distinguishing between the two.

jofjltncb6

My wife hates it when I shave my head...

...or grow a beard...

...so I don't do either one of those things...

...very often.

lyzmorrison

My husband and I were both out of shape. Then we began working out and we both improved. Then I stopped. He continued. He has bulked up and has become strong and looks good. I gained wait. As he looked better, I looked worse. But he never made me feel bad about it. He always told me I looked good, even though I knew better. He was never critical. And eventually, FIVE years later, I got sick of hating the way I look and here I am....19 lbs lighter and still going.

So for me...if he had hounded me about my weight that would have only caused resentment. Did he want me to get in shape? I'm sure he did, but he knew better than to actually say that out loud. I had to finally motivate myself and do it for me. And now he's my biggest cheerleader.

Diet and exercise are personal and no one can make you want to do it. It has to come from within. Just because he isn't doing it now, doesn't mean he won't later. (And have you noticed at the gym how many men are fit and their wives aren't? This situation is not uncommon.)

FrnkLft

Geez...all the "don't lose the butt" comments sound EXACTLY like my husband.

There are some subjective qualities of sexiness or beauty. And there's one objective one: dat butt.

Omg I laughed so hard when I read that!


About short hair, I get it, but nah, long hair FTW.

I think it goes without saying but this is all in good fun, I've met attractive women with smaller butts, and shorter hair. But I am definitely a long hair, curves kind of guy.

mjrkearney

Ok, at this point it should be a really easy conversation:

"I love you, and I want you to be as happy and healthy as you can be."

"I love you, too, and I want to be happy and healthy with you."

Conversation over.

mcflyima

As long as it doesn't get into a larger issue. Since you two are married, as long as the argument doesn't hinder your spiritual life, romantic life, sexual life, children, etc.

As for the butt comments, I totally get it! My husband knows that I like to work out as a hobby, but I personally choose to work out my butt more FOR HIM--just a way to go the extra mile I guess. I would do the same for getting his car an oil change or doing something nice to just be a nice wife.