Goals & Spouses

mcflyima

Ok, at this point it should be a really easy conversation:

"I love you, and I want you to be as happy and healthy as you can be."

"I love you, too, and I want to be happy and healthy with you."

Conversation over.

Yes, totally agree!

AllonsYtotheTardis

My husband has the good sense to not comment on my goals.

However, he approves of the changes - I can tell.


He has told me on more than one occasion that he's proud of me for taking charge of my health, and setting a good example for the kids. He was worried about me, and like most men, didn't know how to approach the topic.

juliewatkin

Geez...all the "don't lose the butt" comments sound EXACTLY like my husband.

There are some subjective qualities of sexiness or beauty. And there's one objective one: dat butt.

Omg I laughed so hard when I read that!


About short hair, I get it, but nah, long hair FTW.

I think it goes without saying but this is all in good fun, I've met attractive women with smaller butts, and shorter hair. But I am definitely a long hair, curves kind of guy.

The thing is when you age, hair isn't as thick as when you are younger and too long can give you a skanky meth ho kind of vibe.

kdsp2911

As far as in my home, my body belongs to my husband and his body belongs to me.

If I wanted to keep the attitude that his opinion didn't matter then I wouldn't have gotten married. Marriage is a different situation than just having a boyfriend/girlfriend; it's total commitment both ways.

So yeah, his opinion is the only one that matters.

But that's my opinion.

And what do I know? We've "only" been together 22 years and we married during college.

This. Unfortunately people forget all the biblical definitions of marriage. At the core of marriage is the giving of yourself to your spouse and your spouse giving themselves to you. Not partially, not when you want, but wholly, fully, all the time, in every aspect. Maybe an "old fashioned" attitude, but when you are married that's how you're supposed to operate.

seltzermint555

My husband told me when we first met that he was attracted to ALL female body types, pretty much, but he loves big hips and bum. His #1 thing is confidence. If a girl is ashamed of her body or being nude, he's turned off. That's never been a big problem for me even when I met him at 270 lb. He is into big, chubby girls like me, for sure. In the past he dated a couple of ladies who were much larger than I am. He also dated more athletic, leaner women. So I feel pretty comfortable in that knowledge. He says as I lose weight it is surreal how much smaller I am in certain um, positions (sorry for TMI) but he also thinks my bum and hips actually look rounder and nicer now and he sees a much more dramatic hourglass figure which he likes.

When I first met him, he was the leanest guy I'd dated in a long time, years even. He's not small, even though he was obese a decade ago and went through his own weight loss transition then. He is 6'2" and was around 230 lb when we met in 2012, but with a completely flat stomach and the legs of a runner. It weirded me out a little bit after dating chubbier guys and being married to someone much larger, that he was 40 lb lighter than I was. But then it became a huge positive instead of a negative. I realized he had high, high energy and sex drive and we fit together so nicely. Now he's lost about 10 lb and I've lost over 50 since we met. I plan to continue losing for quite a while and he does too. I am pretty sure even if he got genuinely skinny I would be super into him. He'd still have his height, wide shoulders, etc.

Mr_Knight

The question is basically: how much should your spouse's opinion about your physical appearance matter toward your goals?

Oh my. :laugh:

It seems the answer should be something like..."it should be about as important after marriage as it was before marriage".

So if you're a couple that weren't particularly concerned about physical condition (in any of the many possible ways) before marriage, then there isn't a compelling reason to be concerned about it after. But if you know you would have never snagged your spouse with the 60 extra pounds you're carrying now, then my friend, you have changed the terms of the agreement.

And your spouse has every right to nudge you back towards what you once were.

Mr_Knight

If someone wants to leave me because I've added some beef to my traps... well that wasn't a very deep relationship, was it?

As long as it's recognized that it cuts both ways - in that scenario, you are both deciding the relationship isn't very "deep".

Rage_Phish

As far as in my home, my body belongs to my husband and his body belongs to me.

If I wanted to keep the attitude that his opinion didn't matter then I wouldn't have gotten married. Marriage is a different situation than just having a boyfriend/girlfriend; it's total commitment both ways.

So yeah, his opinion is the only one that matters.

But that's my opinion.

And what do I know? We've "only" been together 22 years and we married during college.

This. Unfortunately people forget all the biblical definitions of marriage. At the core of marriage is the giving of yourself to your spouse and your spouse giving themselves to you. Not partially, not when you want, but wholly, fully, all the time, in every aspect. Maybe an "old fashioned" attitude, but when you are married that's how you're supposed to operate.

no, some of us just don't care about "biblical" definitions of marriage and think they are ridiculous. There is no "way marriage is supposed to be" because all relationships are different. That's great that you found something that works for you, but to assume that's what everyone else needs to live like is pretty ego-centric

JoRocka

As far as in my home, my body belongs to my husband and his body belongs to me.

If I wanted to keep the attitude that his opinion didn't matter then I wouldn't have gotten married. Marriage is a different situation than just having a boyfriend/girlfriend; it's total commitment both ways.

So yeah, his opinion is the only one that matters.

But that's my opinion.

And what do I know? We've "only" been together 22 years and we married during college.

This. Unfortunately people forget all the biblical definitions of marriage. At the core of marriage is the giving of yourself to your spouse and your spouse giving themselves to you. Not partially, not when you want, but wholly, fully, all the time, in every aspect. Maybe an "old fashioned" attitude, but when you are married that's how you're supposed to operate.

says you.


My body belongs to me.

My LIFEPARTNER/SOULMATE/HUBBY/WIFE or whoever is damn lucky they get to share it. And I will give it graciously of my own willing nature-to the person of my choosing- but it's still MINE. They don't' get to tell me what to do with it. I will take their opinion into account- and honestly consider it- but they don't a final say.

It maybe be old fashioned- and if it works for you- so be it- but it isn't for everyone. And don't tell me that it's the way my life is supposed to work- because it's not.

pandorakick

As far as in my home, my body belongs to my husband and his body belongs to me.

If I wanted to keep the attitude that his opinion didn't matter then I wouldn't have gotten married. Marriage is a different situation than just having a boyfriend/girlfriend; it's total commitment both ways.

So yeah, his opinion is the only one that matters.

But that's my opinion.

And what do I know? We've "only" been together 22 years and we married during college.

This. Unfortunately people forget all the biblical definitions of marriage. At the core of marriage is the giving of yourself to your spouse and your spouse giving themselves to you. Not partially, not when you want, but wholly, fully, all the time, in every aspect. Maybe an "old fashioned" attitude, but when you are married that's how you're supposed to operate.

As far as I'm aware there is no specific way to operate when in a marriage. This strongly depends on the couple involved and how they choose to make their marriage work. Let's keep the bible out this discussion, k?

MisterDerpington

As far as in my home, my body belongs to my husband and his body belongs to me.

If I wanted to keep the attitude that his opinion didn't matter then I wouldn't have gotten married. Marriage is a different situation than just having a boyfriend/girlfriend; it's total commitment both ways.

So yeah, his opinion is the only one that matters.

But that's my opinion.

And what do I know? We've "only" been together 22 years and we married during college.

This. Unfortunately people forget all the biblical definitions of marriage. At the core of marriage is the giving of yourself to your spouse and your spouse giving themselves to you. Not partially, not when you want, but wholly, fully, all the time, in every aspect. Maybe an "old fashioned" attitude, but when you are married that's how you're supposed to operate.

I prefer to not follow my life according to one book.

Mr_Knight

Sigh.

rowanwood

If you'd divorce if one of you loses a leg or gets cancer, by all means worry about someone's extra or fewer pounds....or maybe if you are MARRIED, accept that you made a vow to that person, no matter what their body looks like.


If you are dating, well, that's up to you what level of commitment you have.


I suppose if your vows were "but only if you don't get fat/ugly" then hey, get the lawyer ready now. Everyone gets weird as they get older.

MisterDerpington

Geez...all the "don't lose the butt" comments sound EXACTLY like my husband.

There are some subjective qualities of sexiness or beauty. And there's one objective one: dat butt.

Omg I laughed so hard when I read that!


About short hair, I get it, but nah, long hair FTW.

I think it goes without saying but this is all in good fun, I've met attractive women with smaller butts, and shorter hair. But I am definitely a long hair, curves kind of guy.

As long as they have a butt, idgaf. lol Everyone has their own ideals of attractiveness. Some, like me, have many. lol I think when you really care about someone, you can see past a body part you don't like on them. I think it's different for people on a first date though.

Morgaath

men who think the only handle to exist is the long hair cut seriously need to get out and live a little.

short hair FTMFW.

seriously- it's a significantly superior handle than long hair.

As a guy with hair that touches my belt, I have my own opinion. Mostly that both types have advantages and disadvantages.
Long hair: More options of how to use it.
Short hair: Stays out of the way and doesn't get pulled on when you are not trying to do that.

musycnlyrics

This is a current discussion in my home.

I met my husband in high school when I was 180lbs and VERY curvy.
14 years, 3 kids and 111lbs later, I am losing the weight that I have allowed to pile on me over the years.

I tell him that my goal is to be 165, size 8 and he freaked out. No, seriously.
He prefers a *ahem* heavier, fluffier physique and I want lean but curvy.
And he has commanded me not to lose "dat butt" :blushing:

I see flabby huge thighs and he sees wonderfully thick, delicious thighs
I would say that I'm lucky that his preference and my weight have gone along side each other for the last 10 years, but I don't feel that way. I was attempting to lose weight when I met him all those years ago, but he was so gaga over my body that I stopped and when I gained weight he continued to pursue me and flirt with me like I was smaller.

At this point, I want to lose weight for ME and I need to lose weight for my health and he agrees. We both see where the weight gain is not good, but he constantly tells me not to lose too much. He wants me to keep my size 20 lower half and just flatten my belly (MEN!! :mad: )
I want to overhaul my entire body and become leaner and let my curves show. I am a pear girl, I'll never be a ruler shape and my butt isnt going ANYWHERE, but when I lose, he seems to get a little snippish and if he sees me lifiting weights, geez louise, youd think I'd kill someone! (my hubby is one of those poor ppl who think women will get bulky or "hard" from lifting)

We havent come to an agreement yet...
the saga continues

lisal11

I've been with my husband for almost 15 years w/ two kids and his opinion on this issue does matter to me. He never tells me he thinks I'm too fat or thin. If I gained 50+ lbs, I'm confident he wouldn't divorce me over it. We've been through several weight changes together, including BOTH of us gaining pregnancy pounds. Weight gains are something we gently (rarely) point out but don't get terribly hung up on.

Bottom line, I know what he's attracted to and we're in this together forever. I want him to look at me in another 10 years and still find me physically attractive (as well as mentally). I consider that part of the "work" that comes with a marriage. In addition, it's more of a "turn on" for him if he sees I'm motivated to care for myself and do things for me. Working out of definitely ME time. I'm turned on to know he cares about his health for his family and he looks good!

perfect_storm

I looooooove monster traps. Just thought I'd add that in. I'd like my own traps to be bigger but I digress.

My husbands opinion always comes into consideration. However, we both compete in powerlifting so there is no real disparity in our physical appearance except that he thinks I'm a bit too lean now. Having said that, he appreciates that the weight cut was to drop weight classes so he rolls with it.

Your husband/wife's opinion should always be taken into consideration but within reason. For instance, I think about cutting my hair off but he likes it the length it is so I leave it.

oooooh man, do NOT mess with the hair... not unless you want to see a grown man cry lol

I agree, I went from hair down the middle of my back to a Halle Berry pixie cut in one hair cut ( I did donate my hair to locks of love tho) Anyway he was in shock and did not stop longing for the long hair until it was. He loved me with the short hair but def preferred it long. Now that said getting to the OP question, my husbands opinion is very important to me when it comes to my body I want to feel like I look good for him. BUT I do it for me first then his enjoyment just sweetens the pot.

rbcrawford1

Hmmm...here's how we work:

I color my graying hair. Say I didn't care at all about which color I dyed it, and he really loved it when my hair was black. It would be no problem for me to dye my hair black. If I loved my hair red, and he loved it black, I would dye it red. My autonomy trumps his preferences.

Flip side: I don't love goatees. He knows this and shaves it before he comes home to visit (he's currently overseas). But sometimes shaving is really a bear, especially when he's on vacation or just doesn't want to spend the time, so he grows it back. I don't take this personally. His autonomy trumps my preferences.

He's seen me through two pregnancies and two births, two rounds of breastfeeding (pumping is hott, obviously), weight gain and umpteen illnesses. It would probably take a lot to turn him off permanently.

Bottom line: I won't make myself unhappy about my body to make him happy, and I wouldn't ask him to do so either. In fact, I'm trying to make myself happy about my body to make him happy--that's a much bigger turn on.

JoRocka

I see flabby huge thighs and he sees wonderfully thick, delicious thighs

...snip snip....

We havent come to an agreement yet...
the saga continues

GURL.

I hear you on this one. Mine's the same way. I find it hysterical he truly loves the one thing I can't stand about my body.