Unsupportive Boyfriend and House

LoisLane11

I am 5'1, 27 and weight about 150. I need to get down to a healthy weight about 125. My father just got diagnosed with diabetes and I want to avoid a similar fate. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, and for the first 2 years 9 months of it, we lived 70 miles apart. I was at my goal weight when we met, and the stress of the long distance made me gain quite a bit of weight. I've been able to lose 10 lbs and keep it off, but I cannot break this 150 mark.

In august I moved out here, and in with him and his parents. (he's 26 and lives at home, thinks its totally social norm) and I'm the idiot who agreed to it. His mom is Italian, cooks all the time, cooks pasta all the time, cooks dessert all the time. Keeps gummy snacks, Cheetos, chips, you name it and it lives somewhere on a counter in this house. My boyfriend and I have been going to the gym together, since he has some weight to lose as well.

But when I express my frustration at how hard it is to focus on losing weight, he just judges me and tells me I need better will power, and need to resist and just eat little bits of everything. I explain to him that there are healthier ways than pasta crap every single night, but he says I'm being mean and saying his mom is a terrible person. Which is not what I say at all, I tell him that it is extremely, extremely difficult to lose weight with all this stuff around. I just started to see their family doctor, and he told me he'd like to see me lose some weight, but noted that it would be difficult since he knows how she is. He freaked out at me.

I just am trying so hard, and when I voice my frustrations I get criticized so harshly that I'm starting to wonder if it is just me, maybe I am just super weak and stupid. I don't know. I just needed to get some advice from someone outside this crazy house.

Oh, and for the life record, we are planning to look for a house after the new year, he has to make sure we still work well together living together. (even though I've explained living together with ones parents is not a fair judgement of how living together just the two of us would be. I live under a strict microscope.)

Anywho, thanks for your advice.

amandahandstand

Whoa, I'm in a really similar situation. 27, living with my boyfriend and his dad, and since moving in with them I've put back on half of the weight I'd lost this year My boyfriend is not unsupportive but his idea of a good time is a big, tasty meal out (not going out with friends or anything like that) and his idea of a treat for me is baking a bunch of cookies or bringing home a huge bag of candy. It's so hard to tell him his idea of kindness towards me is making my life really difficult!

I'm not sure what advice to give seeing as I'm basically in the same boat, but yeah, moving out with your boyfriend and away from his family home will certainly help. It's a tough one to navigate as there are so many people's feelings at stake...stay strong though and try not to let it get you down!

LoisLane11

Kudos to you then, for at least losing some of the weight! I feel like half the stress is keeping the weight on too. We've been fighting about all this stuff and my asking him to be supportive instead of mean, and he actually says "You should be grateful that Mom keeps chips and juice and cookies around, alot of people would love to have *that* kind of problem"

Really? I'm pretty sure anyone can easily have that problem, those are cheap and easy food items. Which is why you're supposed to avoid them. I'm ripping out my hair and ruining my relationship.

Glad to hear us health bound 27ers are together! If you need an accountability partner, I'd be happy to chat more.

Jagreene62

Please don't take this the wrong way....I am not trying to judge you!! I am not trying to be harsh!! I'm only trying to be honest and share some of my life's experiences. First, let me start by saying I am 51 and a mother of a 28 year old daughter. i have been through the good and bad boyfriends (sadly we all have had them)!!

PLEASE DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT!!! You are worth so much more than this. You deserve someone that is going to treat you with the utmost respect in all aspects of your life. I know you are probably thinking "This is such a small thing. He's so wonderful with everything else." Believe me when I tell you there is nothing 'small' about disrespecting YOU!!! EVER!!!

I have been with my husband for 30 years. If I knew then what I know now......


"You teach people how to treat you!!"

nikilis

I get where you are coming from, but there are some key points.

you didn't gain weight because of the stress of a long distance relationship, you gained weight because you ate a surplus of calories. you overate because you don't know how to properly deal with your emotions.

secondly, if you don't like the food thats being cooked, start cooking for them. if thats not gonna work, control your portions.

third, you should be able to restrain yourself if theres cookies, chips, chocolate or whatever in the house. you cant expect other people to change just because you have.

you're like "why cant I have it my way?" - the answer is its not your house, and you are making a problem by expecting everyone else to change when you can be the change or orchestrate the change.


so, cook some meals, control your portions, stop with the "no junk food demands", buy some carrots to eat between meals, and realize you will be out of there in 3-6 months.

when you look at cookies or chips or **** milk chocolate, realise you are looking at empty calories. theres no nutrition there and they wont satisfy your hunger so if you are feeling a bit hungry between meals, have a carrot, or a coffee, or water.

you are making yourself a cage to live in by not making the best of your current situation. accept people for their faults, and adjust as much as you can to fit your lifestyle with the lifestyles of those around you.

just being real. good luck.

eylia

...

so, cook some meals, control your portions, stop with the "no junk food demands", buy some carrots to eat between meals, and realize you will be out of there in 3-6 months.

...

All of this post is pretty much exactly what I'd say, I understand it doesn't feel wonderful to have him side with his mum so strongly, but if it's something that is quintessentially her-cooking for, and enjoying family meals (with family that also enjoy it) then really, it must sound to him as though you're attacking her personally. You're living in their home, so asking them to change if it isn't what they want isn't the way to do things.

I'd suggest cooking for yourself if you can, or at least sometimes. Maybe try controlling your portion otherwise by having a small salad or vegetables cooked and eating those with your meal, and less of the pasta on offer. It's up to you. I cook a separate meal for myself every day as I have allergies and those around me eat things that don't suit.

Mr_Knight

"pasta crap"?



Pasta doesn't make anyone fat, and it is a great source of carbs.

Be the change you want to see - "voicing frustrations" is not "trying so hard" - you are in 100% control of what you eat.

Debbie_Ferr

Mammismo !!!
You do realize he's italian ? And you are critisizing his italian mom's cooking? while you live in her house??
Please oh please do NOT get between a man & his italian mom's cooking !!

best to be respectful, otherwise it will be become a big power struggle.

Debbie_Ferr

I truly can understand your frustration. but perhaps try a different, softer tone.
'cause you catch more flies with honey than you do with vnegar.

these are some of your comments:
" I explain to him that there are healthier ways than pasta crap every single night.
Those are cheap and easy food items. Which is why you're supposed to avoid them.
I just needed to get some advice from someone outside this crazy house.
When I voice my frustrations I get criticized so harshly ."

mmmm... with that tone in your voice, wonder why he isn't supportive? you are attacking his mom's cooking, her core, her reason for existing, who, I'm guessing is around 50, has been doing this all her life, and learned from her mom, who learned from Her mom,etc. family tradition !!

It's her house. Don't expect her to change her shopping, her cooking & her snacking habits in her house.
Be respectful & appreciative of what she puts on the table. You can always choose to eat smaller portions.

You might consider asking to cook with her, or ask her to show you how to cook a dish or two. (food flattery goes along way with us italians!!)
offer to help her in the kitchen several times.
after doing that a few times, offer to make a vegetable plate. another time, offer to make a salad to compliment her main dish.
Play it off that you want to learn & help. and don't say anything that can even remotely be construed that she makes poor choices, or your choices are better than hers. if you can win-over your boyfriends mom, it will pay off for years, and all of you will be soooo much happier.

honey, just kiss up a bit.
Keep your eye on the prize ( you just don't have to let her onto what the prize is)


btw ~ I'm 1/2 italian & my ex-husband was 100% Sicilian.

777Gemma888

I am 5'1, 27 and weight about 150. I need to get down to a healthy weight about 125. My father just got diagnosed with diabetes and I want to avoid a similar fate. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, and for the first 2 years 9 months of it, we lived 70 miles apart. I was at my goal weight when we met, and the stress of the long distance made me gain quite a bit of weight. I've been able to lose 10 lbs and keep it off, but I cannot break this 150 mark.

In august I moved out here, and in with him and his parents. (he's 26 and lives at home, thinks its totally social norm) and I'm the idiot who agreed to it. His mom is Italian, cooks all the time, cooks pasta all the time, cooks dessert all the time. Keeps gummy snacks, Cheetos, chips, you name it and it lives somewhere on a counter in this house. My boyfriend and I have been going to the gym together, since he has some weight to lose as well.

But when I express my frustration at how hard it is to focus on losing weight, he just judges me and tells me I need better will power, and need to resist and just eat little bits of everything. I explain to him that there are healthier ways than pasta crap every single night, but he says I'm being mean and saying his mom is a terrible person. Which is not what I say at all, I tell him that it is extremely, extremely difficult to lose weight with all this stuff around. I just started to see their family doctor, and he told me he'd like to see me lose some weight, but noted that it would be difficult since he knows how she is. He freaked out at me.

I just am trying so hard, and when I voice my frustrations I get criticized so harshly that I'm starting to wonder if it is just me, maybe I am just super weak and stupid. I don't know. I just needed to get some advice from someone outside this crazy house.

Oh, and for the life record, we are planning to look for a house after the new year, he has to make sure we still work well together living together. (even though I've explained living together with ones parents is not a fair judgement of how living together just the two of us would be. I live under a strict microscope.)

Anywho, thanks for your advice.

Despite your mention@highlighted ~ you should really consider MOVING OUT asap. The situation is TOXIC all around. You do not need to be sabotaged with your diet and your man's family do not deserve to be judged for eating the way they do in their family home.

Frankly, NOTHING is WRONG with pasta or Italian Food or even Cheetos. You'd already stated in your very first post on MFP that you do not have self-control ~grabbing breakfast on the go@Burger King choosing the sausage biscuit + hash browns. Personally, I feel nothing was even remotely damaging when you chose to eat this ~ if your calories and macros for that day permitted you a splurge. I'm going to assume that your man's Italian mother and family were nowhere near you when you'd made this self-declared faux-pas ~ Yes?

To lose the vanity weight you'd gained over the course of your relationship with your man, YOU have to be the active player. Accept the blame when it is yours. You serve your plate and you are responsible for any food(s) that passes through your mouth ~not his mother. To lose YOUR weight, you NEED to WANT to. No more EXCUSES.


Have you considered charting your eats? Everything that passes through your lips should be weighed and logged. If you aren't losing, despite the food selection availed you ~ it is the portioning you're consuming that is at the epi-centre of your fat weight loss problem and not the support system. Any meal plan should help you lose weight IF you maintain your required deficits. Eat at a surplus and your body will live to tell the tale.

Good luck and I do apologise if I sound a tad harsh. Food fear mongering is a personal peeve.

health1971

Hon,

If you don't like what is put on the table then cook for yourself... You can't live in other people's home and dictate what they should or shouldn't cook/eat/buy etc, etc, etc...

If the boyfriend disrespect you keep on moving, you are too young...


Btw, I'm half Italian and pasta is not crap...

Good luck...

health1971

I love pasta

pinkraynedropjacki

I didnt live with my husband for 10 years of our marriage. Not since the last 7 years did we move in together.....well I moved in with my son anyway. He'd never left home either BUT he was looking after his mum who was very very sick....so I guess that's ok.

Anyway when I moved in everything changed. I was expected to take her place in a way & he kinda thought he could let me know what I had to do (I think he was so used to telling her that) and I put my foot down. Some days I wish I'd kept my old place & stayed there...even if it meant I was paying rent (he owns the house we are in).

I would never have lived here while MIL was alive... never. 2 women just can't live together.


Your BF is a mummy's boy & always will be. Find a house sooner, even if it's just for you right now & he stays over say every 2nd day. Don't live under the same roof as his parents...not at that age.

nikilis

I love pasta

you are a very good advertisement for pasta. shes 42 people. bam.

oh and yes, don't diss pasta.

Keep_The_Laughter

Hon,

If you don't like what is put on the table then cook for yourself... You can't live in other people's home and dictate what they should or shouldn't cook/eat/buy etc, etc, etc...

If the boyfriend disrespect you keep on moving, you are too young...

^^^This^^^This^^^and This^^^

It is always a mistake to tie your security and finances to a person who does not respect you, or for whom you lack respect. Realize that you and the other party will carry these attitudes through every part of your personal life. Over eating, resentment and self-doubt at the beginning of a long term relationships are huge red flags.

spoiledpuppies

With the limited info we have, I agree with getting out of the house. You don't necessarily have to break up with your boyfriend, but at least move out on your own. Then insist that he moves out on his own too. This will give you a chance to see how he manages his own life without mom's help, and you'll have full control of your own surroundings. Only after at least several months of this, think about living together again--probably just as renters to start.

mrendon80

My husband is very supportive and proud of my accomplishments. However, he is an Irish Ironworker with a huge appetite. So what he loves to eat (shepards pie, Pot Roast, Stews, MASHED POTATOS) I have to cook. He also loves his chips and he can finish a pint of ice cream every night. Believe me it is hard and I uderstand how you feel when these yummy things are around and you know you should not eat them. You do have to be strong and keep remembering about the body you want to have to be happier. That is my biggest motivation. And when that huge pasta bowl comes to the table just take a small portion. And if you need to make your own salad on the side let his mother know that so maybe 1 - she will get the hint not to cook soooo much and 2 - you don't offend the person who is letting you live in thier house. Perhaps you can offer to cook maybe not a full meal but just a few healty sides for the family.

Please do not get between your BF and his mother, you will not win.

I hope everything works out, best of luck!

LoisLane11

Perhaps quite a few of you misunderstood me. I was not criticizing pasta as a whole, but my mother in law does push the food onto everyone. You can tell her no and still have a plate of stuff in front of you, which is disrespectful. Her cooking is very good, but all I said to him was that "it is very difficult to lose weight in a house like this" just looking for some affirmation.

I got screamed at, saying I was insulting her cooking. Actually no, i was actually praising her cooking and saying it is a huge temptation for me, because it is so good. I do try to cook for myself, and when I do, she gets INCREDIBLY OFFENDED. I bought light mayo to make tuna and crackers for myself and she literally went on for 20 minutes yesterday telling me how much mayo she had and why was I wasting my money, and OMG did you know there was food and holy crap, did you forget I make food and other such nonsense.

SO yes, I do cook for myself, even though I have to fight battle royale for my salad dressing because I am consuming something she didn't make or purchase. Its very a difficult situation.

PS to everyone who thinks I hate pasta. If I hated pasta, I probably wouldn't have 25 lbs to lose.

Thank you to everyone else who was being very supportive. I appreciate the real answers as well, of course I realize that I have consumed too many calories and whatnot, but having an unhealthy or nonexistant support system is very difficult. I have asked my mother in law to respect me when I turn down food, and she said she would, and yet, i'm in my room, finished breakfast, and she comes up with pancakes and sausage after I said no 4 times. (not even making that up.. how sad) So then i have to be hurtful and wasteful because she doesn't respect my "no Thank you, I just ate"

Thanks again to those who say maybe this isn't the best. And Toxic is an excellent word to describe this.

MyOwnSunshine

Please don't take this as an attack, but I really think that losing weight should be the least of your worries at this time.

I think your bigger problem is that you've made a big mistake moving in with an adult man who still lives with his mother and values her feelings more than yours. I believe that you would be better off focusing on moving out and getting your own place, and placing this relationship on hold until your boyfriend also moves out and gets his own place.

arrseegee

Your situation sounds pretty overwhelming, and if it continues you're going to continue to have a really hard time. Given that your boyfriend's mum takes offense when you want to cook for yourself, and is shoving food on you, I think the best outcome would be for you to move into your own place where you are not a) dependent on someone else to feed you and b) where you won't offend anyone by having to repeatedly turn down food.

Like you I would find all that food too much temptation, so I think his comments about 'you need to grow some willpower' are extremely unhelpful, and demonstrates that he has no idea how hard you are finding it. In a previous relationship my boyfriend used to say things like that after I'd tell him not to bring home junk food all the time, and it constantly made me feel like there was something wrong with me that I couldn't stop myself from picking at all the open food.

In my current relationship I am in charge of cooking, my boyfriend is supportive of my desire to lose weight, and I am seeing results. The environment you are living in has such a huge impact on your lifestyle, so if you are serious about losing the weight and can't avoid the food then I think your only option is to get out. Good luck!

nikilis

Ok, after further information, yeh that's a very unhealthy situation.

You were long distance and now you are together, under the worst possible circumstances.



If you asked me my opinion about a 26 year old guy who lives with his mom, I'd say forget about him. He's a boy.

He has his meals cooked, his laundry done and his room cleaned. He hasn't had to look after himself.

So the toilet seats up, there's dirty clothes on the floor, the sink is full of dishes, there's a receipt for beer, Doritos and dip in the floor the fridge is empty and he's sitting on his *kitten* drinking a beer and asking you to make a sandwich.

You want a man that can look after himself, and also you to a degree. DO NOT BUY A HOUSE TOGETHER. Move in together, give it a go, but maybe just have his name on the lease.

If you buy a house with him at this point, under the current circumstances, you are asking for big big problems.