Unsupportive Boyfriend and House

SherryTeach

I'm trying to imagine being 27 and agreeing to move into my boyfriend's parents' home. No, I cannot imagine it. That is not a good start to a relationship that already has some warning signs.

randomtai

This focus on not moving out is IMO misguided. It is much smarter to stay at home and pool resources as a family. I absolutely encourage my own kids to stick around as long as they like - it allows for wonderful inter-generational transfer of experience and knowledge, and it provides a built in "village" to help with domestic and child raising work.

Moving out for the sake of moving out is, effectively, a waste of half of the young person's earnings.

Absolutely! Agree for I'd exited at 16 for abroad, before that private boarding school, so at having read your contribution I know that for some who'd chosen (circumstantially) to go about independence as I'd done, your option would've provided for the earlier years' starts of independence avenues to have been a whole lot less frightening.

ETA: OP LoisLane, for both your sakes (you and your man) I sure hope that at the end of all that you've processed for yourself (first), then for the 2 of you, that you'll choose selfishly for your self-preservation and happiness, and that you'll stick to your truth of what sits comfortably with you, to rid your life of cortisol-inducing stresses, within this juncture of life's learning-curve. Mothers-in-Law are sacred (in this case your boyfriend's Mum); Loving one's man magnetises extreme measures of challenges (in your case it's a dietary issue whilst you're orienteering yourself); The onus is on you to defuse the situation, for you, your Heart (your man) and his family.

:huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh:

lithezebra

I'm trying to imagine being 27 and agreeing to move into my boyfriend's parents' home. No, I cannot imagine it. That is not a good start to a relationship that already has some warning signs.

You didn't come of age in the current economic times. People all over the world live with their extended families.

Debbie_Ferr

talk to your boyfriends mother and explain to her that you'd like to have some healthier food and could she allow you please to put them in the fridge? Tell her [/b] to not be offended, because [/b] she is a wonderful cook!

mmmmm, sounds like you have not dealt directly with an olde school italian mother. They are defensive, and take things personally.By saying that you want heathier choices, you are saying your choices ARE BETTER THAN HER CHOICES.
no. no. you're doing it all wrong.

Tell her you absolutely love her cooking, and glad that she's made such wonderful dishes for you.
simply say, just like she's familiar with her family's food traditions, you are familiar with certain foods that you were brought up on. And you'd also like to eat some of the foods that you're familiar with from time to time.
And ask her if she can help with that, (ie asking permission as to where in her kitchen you can have a shelf or cabinet space).

do you see there is a way to go about this, that you are not critisizing her choices?
If still confused, may I suggest you watch The Godfather, and see how one asks for permission, without insulting the family.

In Italian culture, it is considered rude to turn down food. (it does not matter that you are full, or already eaten).
I have learned this 1st hand, at holidays. In the past, I've travelled to 3 different households on Thanksgiving, and I am expected to eat at all three. that's just the way it is. <<<<<sigh>>>>
you accept the gift, and you eat a smalll portion of it, and you make a big fuss over it.

randomtai

I'm trying to imagine being 27 and agreeing to move into my boyfriend's parents' home. No, I cannot imagine it. That is not a good start to a relationship that already has some warning signs.

This!

Sovictorrious

1. You moved into their house.

2. Your diet is really none of their concern you are an adult.

3. You need to control what you eat. So why are you looking to others to have will power for you?

Sounds to me like another person who just wants to make excuses. Just break up.

DaniNicole321

So I totally feel your pain. I actually live with my fiance', our son and his mother though we have our own apartment that is just attached to her house so I can definitely make my own meals and what not. I had a similar problem of not feeling comfortable eating what his mom was making so I started making dinner at least half the week. Maybe you should talk to his mother and see if you guys could switch off. But you do have to a toe a fine line with not offending her because at the moment, you are living in her house. I agree with people advising that you should probably move out sooner rather than later. My fiance' has been trying to make me pick him up Taco Bell on my way home from school or grab him some fries etc, it is a total test of will power and it sucks but that doesn't mean you can't do it. The biggest thing you have to remember is that she's not shoving pasta down your throat, if you can't work out an agreement you need to make your own meals. In the end, that's the only way you can be happy and in control of what goes in your body. But eating pasta occasionally won't derail your progress either. I wish you the best of luck! Feel free to add me if you need support.

smittybuilt19

Might wanna have that house looked at, wouldn't wanna have it cave in

burlingtongrl

Please don't take this as an attack, but I really think that losing weight should be the least of your worries at this time.

I think your bigger problem is that you've made a big mistake moving in with an adult man who still lives with his mother and values her feelings more than yours. I believe that you would be better off focusing on moving out and getting your own place, and placing this relationship on hold until your boyfriend also moves out and gets his own place.
[/quote

Given the information you have provided, I would have to agree with this. Best of luck.
]

Debbie_Ferr

I have asked my mother in law to respect me when I turn down food, and she said she would, and yet, i'm in my room, finished breakfast, and she comes up with pancakes and sausage after I said no 4 times. (not even making that up.. how sad) So then i have to be hurtful and wasteful because she doesn't respect my "no Thank you, I just ate"

She is not making you be hurtful and wasteful. You have control over your words. She has control over what she cooks.

Make an Old Italian woman happy . This how to play the "Italian Food Game" :
The 1st time it is offered, you decline (that is, if you don't want it)
If offered a 2nd time, you graceoulsy accept, let her know ever though you are full, it looks so good, you'll have a little bit because you can't resist. You then eat some of it. Then compliment her cooking & thank her.
That's all there is to it, no need to drag it on, declining several times or drag it on with discussions.
you eat a bit, and then compliment her cooking. end of story.
otherwise, by declining, you are rejecting the way she shows her love. and she will just continuely try to win over your love and your acceptance, and it will become a daily power struggle, which you will lose while living IN HER house.

It's kinda like when people are at a restaurant, the bill comes, and there's this silly silly game with fighting over the check. The more fighting back and forth, the more akward it is for one person to give up.
The proper italian way is ~ the 2nd time someone offers to pay the bill, you accept their offer. and thank them (usually with the added stipulation that "I'll get the check next time" or " Let me leave the tip") end of story.

Katbaran

I didn't read the whole thread, but I had to throw in my 2 cents--(I'm 56, one married son, son and DIL lived with us for a year and a half.)

Do not try to separate your boyfriend from his family. Even if they are truly wrong and killing themselves!!!! Do not try to make him make a choice between your way and his folks' way. You will not win. Repeat, you will NOT win.

Like others have said, try to eat smaller portions, or suggest adding a salad with pasta dishes. Word it as, "How about I make a salad to go with that?" or "Wouldn't a nice, crispy salad go great with that?" "It looks so good, some sliced fresh tomatoes would be great with it!" Kill her with kindness.

Other than that, I got nothin'. They aren't going to change. YOU have to do what ya gotta do.

k8eekins

randomtai Joined Jul 2012 November 02, 2013 3:30 pm
:huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh:

My point to the OP is that it needn't be this complicated. Via their gracious hospitality, whilst she's learning his family we all know as women, that our choices are clear; Divisive or building@ETA: OP LoisLane, for both your sakes (you and your man) I sure hope that at the end of all that you've processed for yourself (first), then for the 2 of you, that you'll choose selfishly for your self-preservation and happiness, and that you'll stick to your truth of what sits comfortably with you, to rid your life of cortisol-inducing stresses, within this juncture of life's learning-curve. Mothers-in-Law are sacred (in this case your boyfriend's Mum); Loving one's man magnetises extreme measures of challenges (in your case it's a dietary issue whilst you're orienteering yourself); The onus is on you to defuse the situation, for you, your Heart (your man) and his family.

ETA: Cultural-sensitivity applies here; Some hail from what might otherwise appear severe to some ~ their protocols, their observations at evident impasse

health1971 Joined Sep 2013 November 02, 2013 9:07 am For those who don't know or understand Italians and their customs; the children are expected to live with their parents until marriage, gender doesn't matter...

SherryTeach

I'm trying to imagine being 27 and agreeing to move into my boyfriend's parents' home. No, I cannot imagine it. That is not a good start to a relationship that already has some warning signs.

You didn't come of age in the current economic times. People all over the world live with their extended families.

You are quite right as to my age. My daughters also left home and lived independently following college. They had roommates and less than great apartments, but they did not move back home, nor did they bring boyfriends with them. I can understand going back to live at home for a while, but I don't understand a couple deciding to start their relationship in the home of one of their parents. But more importantly here, there are warning signs of a less than supportive partnership here.

777Gemma888

I'm trying to imagine being 27 and agreeing to move into my boyfriend's parents' home. No, I cannot imagine it. That is not a good start to a relationship that already has some warning signs.

You didn't come of age in the current economic times. People all over the world live with their extended families.

You are quite right as to my age. My daughters also left home and lived independently following college. They had roommates and less than great apartments, but they did not move back home, nor did they bring boyfriends with them. I can understand going back to live at home for a while, but I don't understand a couple deciding to start their relationship in the home of one of their parents. But more importantly here, there are warning signs of a less than supportive partnership here.

There is also the element of differing cultures to consider. Those of Italian extraction on this thread have more than aptly described 'their ways' and expectations.

I was emancipated at 16 and was in boarding school from the age of 10 ~ so, I can understand your perspective too. Sometimes, when cultural practices are concerned, the rest of us need to activate 'sensitivity training' or run the risk offending people we do not mean to. The OP has moved into an Italian Home. A consideration she will have to make ~ stay or leave and make all her stresses dissipate.

SkimFlatWhite68

^^ What Debbie said (in ALL of her posts in this thread)

Debbie_Ferr

There is also the element of differing cultures to consider. Those of Italian extraction on this thread have more than aptly described 'their ways' and expectations.

Sometimes, when cultural practices are concerned, the rest of us need to activate 'sensitivity training' or run the risk offending people we do not mean to. The OP has moved into an Italian Home. A consideration she will have to make ~ stay or leave and make all her stresses dissipate.

ok, last post ( I hope)!
My posts are merely observations as to how some of the traditional Italian families interact.
Most of which I do not agree with. I no longer have interaction with my ex-husbands's Sicilian family.

The OP can't change her mother-in-law's deeply ingrained cultural habits. But the OP can choose her own actions, her own words, and her own tone.

lithezebra

I'm trying to imagine being 27 and agreeing to move into my boyfriend's parents' home. No, I cannot imagine it. That is not a good start to a relationship that already has some warning signs.

You didn't come of age in the current economic times. People all over the world live with their extended families.

You are quite right as to my age. My daughters also left home and lived independently following college. They had roommates and less than great apartments, but they did not move back home, nor did they bring boyfriends with them. I can understand going back to live at home for a while, but I don't understand a couple deciding to start their relationship in the home of one of their parents. But more importantly here, there are warning signs of a less than supportive partnership here.

I was out by the time I was 18, after an adolescence in which I was not allowed to take a part time job, with no idea how to deal with the world, and no safety net. That wasn't necessarily a good thing. I would have benefited from not trying to make ends meet while putting myself through college. I wouldn't have taken some of the jobs I took. I wouldn't have lived a neighborhood where I got mugged, our house was burglarized, and people got shot in front of our house. However, my parents didn't offer any help, and I didn't ask. The mother in this scenario is offering a place to live and home cooked meals. That is the opposite of being unsupportive.

Rawfoodsho

Hello there! I'm 22, 5 foot, italian as all hell...and I know how it is!

I feel a lot of people here aren't understanding how Italian families work and the incredible focus on food and large portions. It is a culture, a custom, and often a source of offending people who don't understand healthy eating sadly.

I was overweight my whole life. Not significantly, but not unnoticeably either. Growing up, my family would praise me when the scale went up, and eventually I hit a point around 6th grade where I was like "wait...this isn't a good weight for me...why are they cheering?" My doctor also bluntly said "you'd better lay off the Burger King sweetie" (I always hated him >_<)

But the blunt truth is that they never will change. I have so many italian friends with mothers that are in DIRE health conditions and will not give up stocking the house with sausages, white bread, and bag upon bag of pasta. Thank God my mother is not in dire conditions yet, but I do also deal with the same battle. My mother likes to rinse out the pasta sauce jar with cream to get every last bit...that kind of situation.

You have to decide which is more important to you. The fact that he defends his mother so much is a bad sign...he should be supporting you! Even if you aren't eating the same foods- I don't get why that's anyone else's problem! But I do understand your position and how it offends her, though you don't mean to. They really are just like that.

The other day I went to my aunts and it's been 300 days of healthy eating for me. My mom asked what I'd like when we go there because of my eating requirements, and to make everyone happy I said "chinese food". I got a steamed veggie and shrimp plate, ate some lo-mein, a giant dumpling, and half a can of Coke (the craziest day I had in a while). I had worked out all morning, so I wasn't too concerned. And I was proud that nobody in my family would think I was "eating weird food" either. Needless to say, after stuffing my face, my aunt says, "So, when are you going to start eating NORMAL food again?" Umm....what is this? Some outer space food?

They just don't understand. When I was vegan for 6 months a while back, you should have heard the comments from my extended family. My mom understood, but everyone else was like "you're going to die! you can't survive without animal protein!" despite my arguments about substitutes and the vitamin content of green leafy vegetables.

Do this for you- ignore everyone else. If she gets that pissed at you- or if he does- then it's their own problem and you deserve better than that. No one should have to try and please everyone just to eat a damn meal!

My heart is with you...I hope this situation leads to a healthier happier you in the end

Even with all the good Italian cooking all she has to do is like 45 min of cardio a day. She could watch a youtube video and do some zumba in her room. Plus Italian food is bomb so she should just get a little bit of everything and then work out, but dont eat like 3 pieces of lasagna in one sitting and then a bunch of other stuff. Or have a piece or two of the bread during dinner just not 5. Not all Italian people are over weight so they have obviously figured out a way to eat that food and stay thin.

HollisGrant

Umm are you happy in this relationship? Are you ready to live like this for the rest of your life? Because you can change the situation, but the problem will always be there... I don't know; you just seem like you deserve so much better, and I actually mean that. Buy your own groceries and eat your own food. Screw everyone else's feelings, you deserve to be healthy. Simply day you are on a diet and really must eat healthier. If you had diabetes you would have to eat healthier anyway. Why wait for it to come to that? You're a grown women who can eat how she chooses to. Good luck.

^^^ My point of view. I would move out tomorrow. I have to be treated like an adult and treated with respect. You've walked into a household with people who don't recognize and don't respect boundaries. Not for me. I would rather live in a rented room over a bar or a 7-ll and have peace of mind.

777Gemma888

There is also the element of differing cultures to consider. Those of Italian extraction on this thread have more than aptly described 'their ways' and expectations.

Sometimes, when cultural practices are concerned, the rest of us need to activate 'sensitivity training' or run the risk offending people we do not mean to. The OP has moved into an Italian Home. A consideration she will have to make ~ stay or leave and make all her stresses dissipate.

ok, last post ( I hope)!
My posts are mearly observations as to how some of the traditional Italian families interact.
Most of which I do not agree with. I no longer have interaction with my ex-husbands's Sicilian family.

The OP can't change her mother-in-law's deeply ingrained culturaly habits. But the OP can choose her own actions, her own words, and her own tone.

Kudos to you for your participation on this thread Debbie. :flowerforyou: My statement needs correction to be fair to you too ~ I apologise for the reference "extraction", when in actual fact, your ex-husband was of Sicilian extraction. Your advise to the OP should bear more weight ~ as it comes from a seat of personal experience of one who has working knowledge, via direct exposure and full immersion, through marriage ~ which in this regard directly applies to the OP. Thank you again.:flowerforyou: