Unsupportive Boyfriend and House

LoisLane11

Honestly, do those of you think I tell my mother in law that her food is crap? I don't. Because it isn't.

I know she's italian, but her family has lived in America for 3 generations, enough blaming this on culture. I'm a 2nd gen Hungarian, and my Grandma was a gypsy, I should blame any negative behavior I have on that! Even though (just like my mother in law) I have never been to that country, nor do I carry many of those traits.

Being any race or culture doesn't give you the right to be disrespectful, which she is when she brings me a plate of food after 4 polite no thanks yous. (Most of this is after I ate food right in front of her) She is incredibly rude in that regard. So stop making excuses for her.

CallMeRuPaul

i feel your pain! and for the most part, i do not fall to temptation, but i do indulge a bit here and there.

i agree with a lot of what everyone is saying. why are you with this dude? you're putting him up on a pedestal, but it sounds as if he isn't doing anything for you. drop the zero! get with someone that shares your same feelings and interests about food and fitness.

pasta isn't a bad thing as long as you have it in moderation, but that's with anything. my wife used to the cooking in the house and it was all fried, high in sodium, high in fat, etc. so i do the cooking now. i've replaced the red meat with fish and chicken and i make lots of veggies with every meal (when i say "make" i mean i "heat up" veggies - thank you birdseye steamfresh!!!). i also try to have a salad at lunch or dinner each day.

if you don't want to cook for your boyfriend and his parents, do your own thing. cook separate meals and have you a piece of baked fish, brown rice, a big serving or 2 of veggies, a baked potato/sweet potato and a big salad with a bit of italian dressing. maybe they'll look at you and eventually want to change their ways.

good luck.

Hellbent_Heidi

With the limited info we have, I agree with getting out of the house. You don't necessarily have to break up with your boyfriend, but at least move out on your own. Then insist that he moves out on his own too. This will give you a chance to see how he manages his own life without mom's help, and you'll have full control of your own surroundings. Only after at least several months of this, think about living together again--probably just as renters to start.

I like this suggestion a LOT. A close friend of mine married a 'mama's boy' and its been a constant source of problems in their marriage. She owned her own home for years, and he moved straight from his parent's home to hers when they got married. His mom cooked everything, packed his lunches, and did all his laundry, and he expected her to do the same for him.

I'm a firm believer that every person (man or woman both) needs to stand on their own two feet in this world before they can be a fair and equal partner in a relationship.

Good luck to you! :drinker:

Rawfoodsho

Wow, some of you people are fairly/incredibly rude.

To be clear, my boyfriend and I both have fine jobs. He just isn't ready to look for houses until the beginning of the year.

And to those who say I am not being force fed, that is correct, however, it becomes pretty hard to resist when after you put your plate in the dishwasher, she grabs a new plate, fills it with new food and brings it to the table where you are sitting to chat with everyone as they finish dinner. I understand that this is not physical force feeding, but it makes you look like a **** if you go dump back in front of the other family members (who come to visit once a week for dinner)

I understand this is her house, which is why I stated its difficult to lose weight, because I don't expect her change, in fact, I never stated that. Why would I move into someones house and expect them to change? I didn't, I don't and I won't, so stop being rude and get over it. That is why I said its difficult, since I'm not expecting them to change, I'd like a little support when it becomes difficult to resist that second helping at dinner, or picking at the millions of snacks lying everywhere.

Seriously, where did some of you people grow up? In a world where "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all?" Didn't get taught?

So you both have jobs and an income to buy your own food, so you could easily buy your own healthy foods. So you are saying after a huge meal she fills you up ANOTHER whole plate of food? Uhh learn to say no? Is EVERYTHING Italians cook carb filled and unhealthy because it looks that way? Cant they make you a nice salad and some steamed veggies? You think she is disrespecting YOU by bringing your grown up self plates of food? If you cant stand up for yourself and put your foot down enough for them to listen that sounds like your problem. If your boyfriend is overweight and so is the rest of the family changes are if you ended up married you would be cooking that same unhealthy white carb crap for him. You could easily cook separately. Now I moved back in with my parents in my mid 20s for about 4 months and YES when my step mom cooked a big meal she would get offended if you brought back taco bell when she cooked a big dinner for you, but I still had control over portion sizes and she still always made vegetables. His mom cant make a caprese salad and some vegetables for you? You say "why would I move into her house expecting her to change" well you KNEW how that family ate before you moved in? This wouldn't happen to someone like me, after the 3rd ask I would of blown up on his mom and told her to F-off and stop asking me if I want food. If the bf is a pansy and stands up for his mom, hes OUT. But really, put this old lady in her place....How hard is that?

You say they have lived in America for 3 generations and it has nothing to do with culture. Uhhh it has everything to do with culture. Italian men live with their parents until they are married off, they ALWAYS eat that carb filled unhealthy food. This is how their families raised them. It has everything to do with their culture.

Rawfoodsho

i feel your pain! and for the most part, i do not fall to temptation, but i do indulge a bit here and there.

i agree with a lot of what everyone is saying. why are you with this dude? you're putting him up on a pedestal, but it sounds as if he isn't doing anything for you. drop the zero! get with someone that shares your same feelings and interests about food and fitness.

pasta isn't a bad thing as long as you have it in moderation, but that's with anything. my wife used to the cooking in the house and it was all fried, high in sodium, high in fat, etc. so i do the cooking now. i've replaced the red meat with fish and chicken and i make lots of veggies with every meal (when i say "make" i mean i "heat up" veggies - thank you birdseye steamfresh!!!). i also try to have a salad at lunch or dinner each day.

if you don't want to cook for your boyfriend and his parents, do your own thing. cook separate meals and have you a piece of baked fish, brown rice, a big serving or 2 of veggies, a baked potato/sweet potato and a big salad with a bit of italian dressing. maybe they'll look at you and eventually want to change their ways.

good luck.

Isn't pasta pretty much ALL they cook with? Italian food is pretty much the worst. 200 calories for 2 oz noodles dry, well that is like 15 noodles. I dont eat spaghetti because I end up eating like 1200 calories just from noodles and sauce. Plus all that food is empty calories and bad carbs.

NH_Norma

living together is a preview of marriage. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Why is he making all the decisions? He doesn't want to buy a house until next year after he knows you can live together well. Will his family move into the house he/you buy? If not, this "experiment" isn't a fair assessment. He sounds very controlling and you sound submissive. If you are to have a good future together, he should be telling his mother to stop pushing food at you because you are trying to cut back. Either you are exaggerating or you are setting yourself up a for a lifetime of abusive marriage. Yes, abusive. Not physical harm necessarily but certainly mental abuse where you are not in control of what you want to eat, do, etc. If that works for you, great, good luck. If not, get out while you can do so easily.

Rawfoodsho

living together is a preview of marriage. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Why is he making all the decisions? He doesn't want to buy a house until next year after he knows you can live together well. Will his family move into the house he/you buy? If not, this "experiment" isn't a fair assessment. He sounds very controlling and you sound submissive. If you are to have a good future together, he should be telling his mother to stop pushing food at you because you are trying to cut back. Either you are exaggerating or you are setting yourself up a for a lifetime of abusive marriage. Yes, abusive. Not physical harm necessarily but certainly mental abuse where you are not in control of what you want to eat, do, etc. If that works for you, great, good luck. If not, get out while you can do so easily.

Even if they get their own house, he will probably end up being one of those guys who visits his mom daily and brings her food home anyways..... Plus like I had said if she ends up married to him she will be cooking this same bad, unhealthy food for him.

Bry_Fitness70

What else is she serving besides pasta? Marinara sauce? Vegetables? Meatballs? Chicken? How is this different than any "American" dinner in terms of nutrition?

777Gemma888

Wow, some of you people are fairly/incredibly rude.

To be clear, my boyfriend and I both have fine jobs. He just isn't ready to look for houses until the beginning of the year.

And to those who say I am not being force fed, that is correct, however, it becomes pretty hard to resist when after you put your plate in the dishwasher, she grabs a new plate, fills it with new food and brings it to the table where you are sitting to chat with everyone as they finish dinner. I understand that this is not physical force feeding, but it makes you look like a **** if you go dump back in front of the other family members (who come to visit once a week for dinner)

I understand this is her house, which is why I stated its difficult to lose weight, because I don't expect her change, in fact, I never stated that. Why would I move into someones house and expect them to change? I didn't, I don't and I won't, so stop being rude and get over it. That is why I said its difficult, since I'm not expecting them to change, I'd like a little support when it becomes difficult to resist that second helping at dinner, or picking at the millions of snacks lying everywhere.

Seriously, where did some of you people grow up? In a world where "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all?" Didn't get taught?

Sunday morning greetings LoisL Your plight has been established and is a sensitive one, where you're feeling as though you're in a gavage situation.

The Italians' warmed, cold and hot salads are aplenty (the varieties). Are you open to asking your boyfriend's Mother if they have family recipes for traditional family salads? Italians use lentils, seasonal vegetables, beans, faro, fruits, cheeses and cold meats at the very least. Surely, there is an opening here for you to acquire some kitchen real estate for yourself. Start here first then after a few lessons and dishes, have your man suggest to his Mother if you could get some refrigerator and cabinet space. I'm focusing on purely salad dishes because I don't rightly know what your splits are. I know you have an aversion to pasta but what of proteins? You would rather get your carbs from vegetables, meaning more food on your plate vs less food on your plate@pasta carbs.

Let's change the focus. I believe that in order for us all to be supportive, you would need to furnish us all with (i) your daily caloric allotment and maybe open your Food Diary, (ii) your workout regimen plus frequency and duration, (iii) hydration level, (iv) sleeping pattern (How many hours? Restful or restless?), (v) without stating what your career, is your job one that requires you to be sedentary (desk) or mobile and fairly active? (vi) Are you on some form of birth control, where the side-effect is increased appetite? *Forgive me for asking these of you, but in order to support you fully, this is actually more important than focusing on your Boyfriend's mother and their Heritage, when it's to be about you and your desire to lose your vanity pounds to equate and/or better your body when he'd first met you*

Have you made further considerations@my suggestion, to possibly inculcate some HIIT or another form of cardio? Short spurts of exercise for big burns to earn eating calories on top of your allotted goals.

Do you own a food scale? Are you able to graze whilst eating? You are seemingly finishing your plate before everyone else, warranting her need to refill your plate. You'd stated 4 servings. Chew more and slowly; Interact with the table more to fill in eating time, where you're talking more and are eating less. Drink water whilst eating and sip slowly. Cut up your food into the tiniest possible morsels to suit your cutlery. Do not roll the pasta. Cut them up slowly ~ Fill in the dining duration, with other dining tactics, politely. Graze, graze, graze is your friend when food is abundant and courses are aplenty. Some people who practice proper dining etiquette even during family style dining, consider it blatantly rude to stand up from the table, when others are still in mid or towards the end of dining per course. Not to excuse your boyfriend's Mother's actions but that's to protect you from the scrutiny some on the table may have.

777Gemma888

Oh and too all those freaking out over my choice of words to use "Pasta Crap"

If you're on the website, you know as well I do that white pasta is just bad, empty calories. She is not using wheat pasta here. Calm down. I know italian cooking is good... thats why its difficult to resist when there are gobs and gobs of it in the fridge every single day.

Understandably you favour your boyfriend's Mother's cooking, hence your complaint, hence your perception of an unsupportive house and boyfriend. I think people are reacting to your explosive choice of words, "crap" and "cheap" and "dump." They are loaded and cocked trigger words @direct responses addressing "pasta crap."

White flour is not bad for you. Semolina is not bad for you. And your body does not delineate between sources of carbs unless of course you have a medical impediment. I know you do not or you'd have stated it before now. The only medical advice you'd divulged on this thread is where your boyfriend's Family Physician had stipulated that you need to lose some weight. No emphasis on allergies or health dietary sensitivity.

Have you considered IIFYM as a possible avenue to suit the foods available in your boyfriend's family kitchen and your inability for self-control with food? IIFYM would create that safety blanket, for the white flour, semolina pasta, oils, candy, chippies, cookies, et al.

ETA: Bold Code

777Gemma888

Honestly, do those of you think I tell my mother in law that her food is crap? I don't. Because it isn't.

I know she's italian, but her family has lived in America for 3 generations, enough blaming this on culture. I'm a 2nd gen Hungarian, and my Grandma was a gypsy, I should blame any negative behavior I have on that! Even though (just like my mother in law) I have never been to that country, nor do I carry many of those traits.

Being any race or culture doesn't give you the right to be disrespectful, which she is when she brings me a plate of food after 4 polite no thanks yous. (Most of this is after I ate food right in front of her) She is incredibly rude in that regard. So stop making excuses for her.

You're clearly choosing not to move out of your boyfriend's family residence, with or without him; An obvious choice to retain your sanity and a modicum of control over what you eat on a daily basis.

Sadly, had you not spotlit your boyfriend's Mother being of Italian descent, your thread would not have spiraled in this direction. You provided the portal for those of us who have an inkling and those who possess the working living knowledge to the extent of those who are of Italian/Sicilian extraction, to enter in our attempts to unravel your sticky situation; To make sense of it. Culture has determined this conflict. Families are different as you well know. Some are more defined by Heritage and others less so. You found it prudent to inject into your first post that your future Mother-in-law is Italian. Like it or not - it matters. Like it not, culture is an active player in your relationship with your boyfriend. And unfortunately for you, you are dealing with (i) Her Gender, (ii) Her Heritage and (iii) Her House/Family/Son. In Italian/Sicilian Homes, like many ethnicities, the Kitchen is the Heart of the House/Family/Home. And the Master Commander in the Kitchen is the Lady of the House. She is the Pulse, the Pacer, the Control, the Balance. Therefore the unspoken rule is, if you're the guest and you disfavour it, leave.

You are a lucky girl and once you figure out for yourself how to tread water for you to preserve your love for your man, you'll be okay. You need to make peace with your situation. Find the harmony, be a part of that balance.

ETA: Underline

Rawfoodsho

Oh and too all those freaking out over my choice of words to use "Pasta Crap"

If you're on the website, you know as well I do that white pasta is just bad, empty calories. She is not using wheat pasta here. Calm down. I know italian cooking is good... thats why its difficult to resist when there are gobs and gobs of it in the fridge every single day.

Understandably you favour your boyfriend's Mother's cooking, hence your complaint, hence your perception of an unsupportive house and boyfriend. I think people are reacting to your explosive choice of words, "crap" and "cheap" and "dump." They are loaded and cocked trigger words @direct responses addressing "pasta crap."

White flour is not bad for you. Semolina is not bad for you. And your body does not delineate between sources of carbs unless of course you have a medical impediment. I know you do not or you'd have stated it before now. The only medical advice you'd divulged on this thread is where your boyfriend's Family Physician had stipulated that you need to lose some weight. No emphasis on allergies or health dietary sensitivity.

Have you considered IIFYM as a possible avenue to suit the foods available in your boyfriend's family kitchen and your inability for self-control with food? IIFYM would create that safety blanket, for the white flour, semolina pasta, oils, candy, chippies, cookies, et al.

ETA: Bold Code

Do you have a medical link that shows white flower is not bad for you?

The body absorbs processed grains and simple sugars relatively quickly. Increased blood sugar triggers a release of insulin, and, in an hour or two after eating, hunger returns.

777Gemma888

Do you have a medical link that shows white flower is not bad for you?

The body absorbs processed grains and simple sugars relatively quickly. Increased blood sugar triggers a release of insulin, and, in an hour or two after eating, hunger returns.

I don't have it on hand but this site's forum is riddled with medical links spotting arguments for and against the above-addressed. Agreeing or negating the issue is highly affected by personal choice, which should make an individual an effectual guinea pig for self, to prove or disprove "their Scientific Interpretation" of choice. The self, rationale, health status considerations are all players. :drinker:

However BOT you have highlighted an ingredient that is somewhat traditional in many Italian salads, moreso Sicilian I'm thinking, where edible flowers are used in their Antipasto, Desserts, Coffee Cookies and as Flavouring Agents. Thank you RawFoodsHo :flowerforyou:

ETA: sp adding "s"

Gkfrkv

I have been in a similar situation. And it's a horrible place to be. I gained 5 kg in 2 months, mostly because of stress eating when I moved back with my parents for a few months. My mother told me I was getting bigger in one breath and demanding that I ate dinner with them and then that I had seconds and desert. Saying no was not an option, cooking for them just made her complain about everything I did and telling me I was doing everything wrong.

When the contractor called me and said they would be done two weeks early I've never been so happy.

You are obviously not happy where you are now. So if it's an option: Get out, get out now. If not get a hobby or start a class of something in the afternoon and stay out of the house as much as possible.

Gkfrkv

Hello there! I'm 22, 5 foot, italian as all hell...and I know how it is!

I feel a lot of people here aren't understanding how Italian families work and the incredible focus on food and large portions. It is a culture, a custom, and often a source of offending people who don't understand healthy eating sadly.

I was overweight my whole life. Not significantly, but not unnoticeably either. Growing up, my family would praise me when the scale went up, and eventually I hit a point around 6th grade where I was like "wait...this isn't a good weight for me...why are they cheering?" My doctor also bluntly said "you'd better lay off the Burger King sweetie" (I always hated him >_<)

But the blunt truth is that they never will change. I have so many italian friends with mothers that are in DIRE health conditions and will not give up stocking the house with sausages, white bread, and bag upon bag of pasta. Thank God my mother is not in dire conditions yet, but I do also deal with the same battle. My mother likes to rinse out the pasta sauce jar with cream to get every last bit...that kind of situation.

You have to decide which is more important to you. The fact that he defends his mother so much is a bad sign...he should be supporting you! Even if you aren't eating the same foods- I don't get why that's anyone else's problem! But I do understand your position and how it offends her, though you don't mean to. They really are just like that.

The other day I went to my aunts and it's been 300 days of healthy eating for me. My mom asked what I'd like when we go there because of my eating requirements, and to make everyone happy I said "chinese food". I got a steamed veggie and shrimp plate, ate some lo-mein, a giant dumpling, and half a can of Coke (the craziest day I had in a while). I had worked out all morning, so I wasn't too concerned. And I was proud that nobody in my family would think I was "eating weird food" either. Needless to say, after stuffing my face, my aunt says, "So, when are you going to start eating NORMAL food again?" Umm....what is this? Some outer space food?

They just don't understand. When I was vegan for 6 months a while back, you should have heard the comments from my extended family. My mom understood, but everyone else was like "you're going to die! you can't survive without animal protein!" despite my arguments about substitutes and the vitamin content of green leafy vegetables.

Do this for you- ignore everyone else. If she gets that pissed at you- or if he does- then it's their own problem and you deserve better than that. No one should have to try and please everyone just to eat a damn meal!

My heart is with you...I hope this situation leads to a healthier happier you in the end

QFT

jessmarionrai

I'm actually in a similar boat. Live with my boyfriend, his mom and her boyfriend, and a friend of the bf's. And I actually managed to lose 30+lbs while living here. And then put it all back on after getting my wisdom teeth out, starting birth control, and the bf got immersed in school and what little support I had was gone. It doesn't help that his mother and her bf are hoarders--a lifestyle I cannot understand no matter how hard I try. I work 2 jobs trying to pay student loans and credit card debt and have been constantly applying to full time employment for the last 2 years in the hopes that the bf and I could move out. We've also continued to push it back for 2 years because he wants to finish school and then find employment so the heft of the rent wouldn't fall onto me. But I'm losing my mind with these extra pounds and the waiting and all the **** everywhere. We're allowed 1 shelf in 1 of their 2 fridges (ugh) and then a shelf in 1 of the freezers. Any other food is in then closet of our 100sqft bedroom. It makes buying fresh food a pain in the *kitten* because there is no room and it always goes bad quickly because they frequently have rotting vegetables /food in their fridges--which speeds up the aging of any other fresh produce nearby.

Add me as a friend. We can create a support group to deal with our ****ty situations and [hopefully] create a support group separate from these ****ty circumstances.

lisabinco

you're like "why cant I have it my way?" - the answer is its not your house, and you are making a problem by expecting everyone else to change when you can be the change or orchestrate the change.

From the other side of the fence: My stepdaughter had the same reaction when, in discussing her possibly living with us in our home, I stated that I do not want her baking gooey sweet crap in the evenings or keeping crap sweets in the pantry, as this is my home and I believe I deserve one place, my home, where I don't have to fight urges all the time. She was really put out, saying at her mom's house she can bake and eat sweets whenever she wants. Well, yeah, that's her mom's house. This is not her mom's house. That's the price of living in someone's house (for free, I might add). Take it or leave it. There are some things on which I just won't budge.
Think about it as if you were the one still living at home and your significant other lived with you, and your family lifestyle (the one you think is "normal") drove him crazy. Try dealing with it from that perspective.

emilycarr71404

I think you need a new boyfriend. If he can't support you now, why would buying a house change that? He clearly judges you when you don't have the stress of being house owners and handling all the stresses of bill paying. I think you should get out before tying yourself to him long term with a house commitment. Be strong, lose the weight for you and get yourself in a supportive environment.

oc1timoco

RUN!!! Run as fast as you can! The guy lives with mom and dad clearly has commitment issues and now he wants to take you for a test drive for a year before he ties the knot.

Jes21sica

I have a similar situation with my boyfriend and his mom. It's not so much that I'm tempted by the food that is around, it's that I feel that I'm offending her if I don't eat her cooking. She also buys me food that she thinks I will like, but it is often something I would never eat and then I feel bad for not eating it. I don't really know what to tell you, I'm just trying to deal with it one day at a time. I buy and make a lot of my own meals, if it's something everyone will eat, then I make enough for everybody. All I have to say is I'm counting down the days till we move out!

kimosabe1

I was stuck at 150 for 3 months & a calorie addition was recommended to me so I went from 150 at 3 months, bumped my calories to 1350 and then more loss came....