partner needs help adjusting to loose skin

sickofskin

Hi, My name is Lisa. I'm 7 yrs post op gastric bypass. I'm 47 and my husband just left me for a younger woman. I have a boyfriend now, that is having problems adjusting to the loose skin. I've lost 230# and kept it off. My tush is the biggest problem for him. I cannot afford plastic surgery, though I'd give anything if I could have them all. He's honest, and I believe he loves me and he's willing to attend weight loss support group meetings to learn to accept the "after" of weight loss skin. He was also honest when I asked if he was attracted to my body. This was hard for both of us. I'm devastated and was already appalled by my own body. My boyfriend is also addicted to the "ideal woman" as in women in porn ect. I'm praying, we both literally pray, that we can get past this some how. Does anyone have ANY advice for him, or for me that would help us overcome this and make it as a couple?

astronomicals

Have you actually looked into the removal process? Some people successfully get covered through insurance. Nothing ventured nothing gained. I realize the costs can be exorbitant and in the tens of thousands. Perhaps you can write up something really moving and e-mail it to every plastic surgeon you can find. I'd have someone with excellent writing skills proof read it and make it sound good. You may get lucky.


I read that rashes and stuff can be reason enough for insurance to cover it. Personally, I'd figure out how to make those rashes or ulcers appear. Id work the system to my advantage. Dont get caught trying to screw your health insurance for 40K though. They are pretty good about figuring those things out.

LuckyMunky

Couples therapy is probably the cheapest option long term. You both need to learn how to deal with it and be happy in your own skin (no pun intended.)

sickofskin

Haven't really looked into the removal process yet. I'll be Medicare soon hopefully if my disability hearing goes well. I have PTSD as well. My surgeon looked at my skin and said I'm the perfect candidate for a tummy tuck as it's all skin. I'll try your idea about writing letters to surgeons. I did look into working for a plastic surgeon because he gave discounts on surgery after so much time working there, but I didn't get the job, someone else did. Thanks for the advice. Hopefully he can learn to accept my body.

777Gemma888

My surgeon looked at my skin and said I'm the perfect candidate for a tummy tuck as it's all skin. I'll try your idea about writing letters to surgeons.

You might want to look into Clinical Research Companies offering Free Tummy Tucks. They might pay for your surgery, if you qualify, if you use whatever product they're testing. Risky ~ is an option. One like this in your area: http://www.lotuscr.com/ This is one near Los Angeles.

Good luck and congratulations for successfully keeping your weight off! :flowerforyou:

sickofskin

Thanks so much, I'll follow up with that and see what happens. Thanks so much and great job on your weight loss.

xLaPetiteFille

I think you're gorgeous, I'm sorry to say, but i think that's very shallow of him. Sad reality of the world, always base things on "looks" suddenly love doesn't matter when it comes to appearance. My ex-boyfriend, handsome, smart, tall, perfect - Loved me even though i have tonnes of imperfections (quite literally). We broke up, but for other reasons. Having said this, i think it's really rude that he has laid terms out, albeit honest. I just wish he could see how beautiful you truly are

QuietBloom

Congratulations on your spectacular success!! :drinker:

Now, get rid of the boyfriend who is not attracted to your body, and spend some time (alone) getting to know the new you.

MHO of course.

RekindledRose

Hi, My name is Lisa. I'm 7 yrs post op gastric bypass. I'm 47 and my husband just left me for a younger woman. I have a boyfriend now.....

Okay, first let's start here.

If your husband "just" left you, as in this was fairly recently, then I respectfully suggest you take some time to be "just you" for a while. You don't need the stress of another relationship or the expectations and desires of another man, no matter if you two pray together or not. I would certainly recommend that you take ONE YEAR to adjust to your new life.

And IMHO, if it's too early to get into a relationship with someone after being dumped by your husband - are you still legally married?! - then it's too early for another man to be seeing you naked. You need time to heal.

All the other advice about the surgery looks like good advice, and I must certainly agree with xLaPetiteFill; you are beautiful. Take time to get to know your new 'you'.

Best wishes.

SkaterGirl704

Whay are you with somebody that cannot even accept the fact that you lost weight?????
Can he not accept you for who your are?
If he is so attractecd to porn star women why is he not with one of them?
I would never stay with somebody like that!

sio6

to get a rash your best bet is to not wash.........unfortunately my mom had lots of excess skin and was "hygienically challenged". she was admitted to the hospital when I was a teen. saline soaks for a week before they let her go home.......they never offered my mom surgery, but I live in Canada, so it may be different for you. This was also 20 years ago. I would not recommend you do this because not washing is not healthy and can cause lots of problems, medically and in your relationship, hopefully you find a person who will love you no matter how you look.

AccioFitness

I'm not certain how recently your husband left, but I am sorry that you had to experience that. I had a similar experience with my ex-husband some time ago and it can truly warp one's sense of worth.

If this separation has been recent I might go out on a limb and recommend you take some time to yourself. It takes time to heal from pain like that and to be emotionally invested in another person. I'm not trying to be nosy saying this, I've just learned from personal experience how painful a rebound boyfriend can be when you jump into something too soon.

That said, I'm glad you two can be honest with each other. Honesty can hurt sometimes, but it's better than ignoring something and allowing it to become a bigger issue. Your boyfriend sees qualities in you that he wants in a partner, but he needs to work on seeing that in you as. Person as well. There are very, very few perfect women out there; and sadly we live in an era of airbrushing and photoshopping so that the lines between Real and Altered are even more blurred.

There have been other mentionings of couples therapy and that could help tremendously. Also if there is a group therapy in your area that focuses of life after gastric bypass/drastic weight loss that might also help you both. It may be a while before you can have any surgery to alter your current body, and if he is wanting to truly invest in a relationship with you he needs to understand that loving you comes hand in hand with loving your body and supporting you. Likewise he should expect the same compassion and support from you as well.

Gnaterlie

I have heard of some burn hospitals offering assistance with removal of skin if you donate the excess to them.

BrendaLee

You're a beautiful woman. You deserve someone who's attracted to you. He shouldn't have to learn to accept your body. He should love the hell out of your body because it belongs to the woman he loves. He sounds kinda lame, and I think you're too pretty for him.

Chadomaniac

Congratz on the weight loss


Loose skin needs to be surgically removed in extreme cases such as yourself ... Theres no way loose skin will snap back into place in extreme weight loss scenarios

ladym0208

Honestly Hun, you look absolutely stunning from your picture and you have achieved so much in your weight loss. You absolutely deserve someone who can see all that and not want to change a thing about you, someone who lifts you up and feels like the cat who got the cream because he has you on his arm.

With regards to him wanting a woman that looks like a porn star, I would suggest that this is something he needs to look at himself and perhaps stop watching porn as it has already warped his idea of what a woman should look like. Women are all different and are all beautiful none the less, but the fact is we don't look like porn stars and without major surgery (implants, lipo etc) and airbrushing we won't. I guess he needs to face that, women in movies are not real and even they don't look that good in real life.

Also I second what a few people have said here, take an honest look at the relationship and ask if YOU are really happy with him and the relationship, as it is so easy to stay in a situation that is not good for you because you want to avoid the pain of being alone, but I've learned that the pain you end up experiencing from staying far exceeds what you would have felt if you left and used the energy to build yourself up rather than investing in another person and a relationship that was going no where.

Again you are beautiful Hun and have done an amazing job, you deserve to be surrounded by people who see that

Good luck with what you decide, but please make sure that he puts in some effort too

Mxx

sickofskin

LaPetit, Thank You for saying I'm beautiful. ALL of the responses have lifted me up to a better place. You too are a very stunningly beautiful woman. My BF sits beside me as we read all of the responses. He has been in love 3 times in his life, I'm the 3rd one and he's 48, I yr older than myself. He had a beauituful body in HS, and the all star FB player ect. Now he's been divorced a bit over a yr, and admits he's NEVER been attracted to the body of any of us the "loves". He destroyed a USB file he had collected of photos of our friends, and even some much too young for him top be looking at (about 20-ish ages) and realizes there IS a problem. He has thrown out his quite extensive collection of pornography videos. Sadly, many of these videos were his late Dad's, and so I can see why he would think the same thing, and his brain would go that direction about women. Men follow what their father's often teach them. Not saying his father is a bad man at all either, b/c I never met the man, but it's still a "body image" problem men tend to have, I recognize that. My ex says he never had a problem with my body, BUT, he went through all the pre-weight loss classes. He's actually trying to help my BF,Scott, and I b/c he went through the same thing, learning to adjust to the new me, skin and all. Though it didn't bother my ex, he still had a new body to get used to. We have already begun looking at weight loss support groups in our area. Luckily we live in a small town, but near St Louis, so we have lots of hospitals to find a good "after weight loss" support group. He's trying HARD. He cries a lot. He apologized to all the women on his USB file he kept for his own personal sicky gain. He's had to really swallow some serious shame to get to this point, so that's why I stay. He's a VERY kind hearted man, that got lonely and a screwed up sense of what women really look like. One of the women on his USB file is a friend of ours from way back when we were young, and as I mentioned,we're nearing our 50's now and came from the same small town outside STL. This friend he has really "lusted" after for years said to him "I'm short, had BIG twins, and he wouldn't be attracted to me anyway". She made me cry, and these comments, show him, that even though he "thought" our friend was a beautiful bodies woman with large breast, nice butt ect......he read otherwise. She and her hub have been together since HS....we love them for the help they bestowed by #1 her husband forgiving Scott, my BF,and number 2, taking that perfect image of HER out of his head, and letting him know.....it's not the same unclothed. Thank you again, and know that today, Scott is making a call for counseling. We're very low income as he's disabled and my disability has not kicked in. There's GOOD free counseling out there, and not so good free counseling. We're looking to you all, b/c YOU have all been where I am.....and some of you, where he is. Thank you again. You made my morning LePetit.

QuietBloom

It also occurs to me to say that, as you continue losing, that skin will shrink. If you pinch the skin on the back of your hand, it will give you an idea of how thick your skin really is. The 'loose' skin you have is quite a bit thicker, right? That is because there is a stubborn layer of subcutaneous fat still sticking to it. Once you loose that, your skin will finally be able to shrink to its full potential. Our skins are amazing organs, and depending on our ages, are quite elastic and capable of both growing and shrinking to fit our needs.

My very best wishes to you, :flowerforyou:

sickofskin

Mxx, Thank you for your sweet compliment as well. I'm lifted up greatly this morning by all of you.

Scott is seeking help. All porn is out of the house. Much of it was his Dad's. I can understand a boy, thinking it's "fine" to have this image if his late Daddy did. I'm trying to be a genuinely supportive woman. I see him cry every day for his guilt.

I've seen, and even helped him type apologies for lifting pics of women we KNOW off FB. It's been HARD knowing he found our friends, and even some of their 20 yr old kids, more attractive than me. There was no file of ME on his USB file.....hurts....oh yeah, hurts .USB file has been smashed btw.

He's been talking to me as a "friend only" for a year on Facebook. He did a smidge of flirting with me, but I read posts where he was constantly striking up convoes with girls on FB trying to flirt to "see where it would go"....(even after we were a couple) No one flirted back or wanted to date. I started to come over after my husband left me....a few months had gone by, and I did work on loving ME again, and to let go of anger. Almost ex and I, AND my BF get along wonderfully......I took a few months to cry and heal, but not the yr a lot of people say one needs to heal. I already had my 1 night stand rebound, that also did not work out before Scott, my current BF, also someone from my tiny little hometown.

My BF and I just worked in his yard doing things he cannot do disabled. He and I grew close. He's got an amazing heart and is well respected by all in our little tiny town we're from.....and I feel loved.

Once, my blood sugar dropped after I nearly broke a bone, and I passed out in his yard. He was AMAZINGLY loving and so worried about me. This disabled man made it in the house at warp speed, threw his disabled body on the ground next to me and started spoon feeding me Peanut Butter to bring the sugar back up, then laid on the ground with me for 30 min,not letting me get up till he was for sure I'm OK. He covers my body in the middle of the night to keep me warm, and loves me like I've never been loved, so I feel he's worth staying and me fighting through this, to stand right beside him while he gets the help.

He just made a call for counseling as I typed this. I make NO excuses for him, only to say, that I DO feel love, I DO know he's a wonderful person, and I DO know when I'm with him, I am actually very happy to be around him and share my days and nights with him. He has his own issues to deal with health-wise, and even some "dysfunction" from his disability, that WE deal with together. It's been rough, but God, I hope it ends well. I'm investing all the love I have into him, as he is me I feel.
Again, we cannot be more thankful for your advice, thanks for taking the time to respond.
Lisa

nilsabenitez10

Very good advice.

sickofskin

Quiet Bloom,
230# don't seem to wanna shrink back. Though I do feel blessed I don't have turkey waddle, I have all the other ugly sag many of you know about. But, I'm going to look into some ideas and options mentioned here, and am truly grateful for your reply.
If you read my other replies, you'll note that Scott, my BF, is seeking help, and has thrown out all the things causing us problems, & although I feel sort of like a "prude" he has let me change his FB password, and only I have it, since FB was a problem for us.
Lisa

emilyisbonkers

I have no idea what to say, as I can't even imagine how that feels BUT well done on the weightloss, and skin or no skin, your face is gorgeous

sickofskin

Chadomaniac,
Pretty sure I knew that....Ü I have a LOT of weight loss...which I consider to be my "trophy" in a way. Already knew the skin won't snap back on it's own. Please understand my age is 47, so that elasticity of a 20 yr old is no longer there. I know I need surgery. I just can't afford. Will be trying some of the wonderful ideas posted here.
Lisa

seltzermint555

I know this is probably NOT what you want to hear. But I would end the relationship and find a new partner who doesn't have an issue with it, or has far less idealistic notions of the human body. I'm not 100% laying blame on your boyfriend, please understand. We can't really choose what we are attracted to. However, there ARE people out there whose ideals are much different. It is my belief that you (and I, and all people) deserve a partner who is truly attracted to your body, and I don't think there's ANY body that is unworthy of that. Controversial to some people, maybe.

FWIW, I was married for 9+ years to a guy who weighed 350 lb and wasn't that attracted to larger women. I was between 230-307 during our marriage and he was not any more responsive or attracted to me at 230 than at 307. He had a very low sex drive due to medical issues as well. It took a toll on my self-esteem and I was not living a full life in that marriage. I craved physical affection and sexual fulfillment. I have found that now with my current husband who is truly into big bums & hips, and attracted to ALL females who have that body type whether they're thinner or very obese. He can't get enough of my body and to him it was awesome even at 270 lb when we met. He is 6'2" and a fit healthy 225 lb.

Your partner being 100% INTO YOU is something you deserve.

sickofskin

Emily,
Thank you SO much. I find that you have a beautiful face as well. You can read the other posts to see what we've been doing to get help up to this point. Congrats on your weight loss, your looking beautiful as I said!!!!!! Thank you for taking time to post that to me. My spirit is blessed today.
Lisa

77sheep

Porn is an addiction just like eating too much of the wrong thing can be an addiction! We all need accountability. Just remember it's a long process and it has to start with baby steps and it can't be fixed over night. Only Jesus can fix that sort of thing over night.

sickofskin

Seltzermint,
My soon to be ex husband, had low Testosterone too, and was always heavy, and honestly had "man boobs". I never found him unattractive, but....he never seeked help for this low T problem, hence, my weight gain. I was a skinny kid, and a super morbidly obese sad adult. He said my body fat, AND after weight loss was never a problem. He wasn't a very honest man, and so I never believed it due to the lack of sex in our marriage.

My boyfriend has had 3 loves of his life. 1st was thin, 2nd was heavy, I'm post of weight loss saggy skin. He admits that he's never been attracted to any of the 3 of our bodies, but wants the help to see PAST body type, size, weight ect. He's thrown out all porn. Got rid of his sick USB file he kept of our friends from FB,and has made a call to get into counseling. He's truly working on it I believe. Can he be healed, I don't know? Never been with anyone addicted to porn, and with anyone who has the wrong idea of what a REAL woman looks like....this is so new to me.

I'm SO happy you found a man who loves you that much and wants you constantly. I will say that I am lucky that my BF does want me, it's just my butt, more than anything does not attract him at all...really the whole body, but my butt being the hardest for him. I do FEEL love, and I do love him, disabled body and all. TO me, he's beautiful inside and out. He just has an illness. But, can this illness be cured like other illnesses can? This is a deep imbedded thing in many men. A good friend sat here in my BF's home yesterday, also around our late 40 age, saying he too, don't want a woman his age, he too, only finds the 20-ish girls attractive, but he's also lonely....and starting to realize that he might be barking up the wrong trees....Ü I pray for our friend too. He don't deserve to be lonely, b/c he has a warped sense of women. Scott and I feel like what we're going through could actually help our friend too? Who knows? God works in mysterious ways......
Thank you again, and I'm SO happy for you!!!!!
Lisa

sickofskin

77 sheep,
you are SO right. We recognize that as well. Scott has been super angry with God for awhile now. He was a muscle bound hunk in HS, playing all sports. Now he's using a walker at age 48. His wife and he didn't make it, and lonliness pretty well prevailed in his life I think. But, I do think that he's taking the right steps. The night everything "went down" I had to eat since I'm hypoglycemic now....I sat us at the table, and he grabbed my hand. I thought he was just going to hold it, as he IS touchy feely with me. He does touch me constantly and love on me constantly kissing and showing love......but what I heard was "dear God.........." I bowed, shocked......cried, got up, hugged him, kissed him, and said "I'm staying right by your side all through this".
Your so right, and thank you for your response, and congrats on your weight loss!!!!
Lisa

DebbieLyn63

This is a very tough position to be in, and you have already received some good advice.

As for the porn addiction, that can be very damaging to a relationship and can destroy you in the process. I was married to a multiple addict for 8 yrs, (alcohol, drugs, porn) and the porn addiction was the most damaging to me and my self-esteem. And I wasn't overweight at the time. Being turned down on a consistent basis, because he'd rather be with his magazines instead, destroyed my self image and self-worth. If the internet had been around at that time, it would have been even worse.

I would suggest taking a really hard look at this relationship and decide if it is really worth continuing. He has multiple strikes against him with the porn addiction, skewed sense of beauty, and admitting that he doesn't find you attractive. My heart aches for you, because I know the pain this causes, and trust me, it will only get worse.

Having a spouse walk out if devastating. The easiest way to get over it is to find someone new. That seems like a good idea at the time, but can be only compounding problems, and can leave you even more damaged.

When you are truly ready for a relationship, you deserve to have someone who loves you completely. Flaws and all. And is attracted to you and ONLY to you.

As for the loose skin, compression undergarments can help with aesthetics, and in time some of the skin may shrink up some.

Now, I have been blessed to have spent the past 16 years with a man who loves me completely, wrinkles, scars, and loose skin, and still finds me hot! That is a lifetime love.

We all deserve to be loved completely.

sickofskin

Skater Girl,
Thank you for your reply. I love him. I believe he loves me. He has an illness that I think can be healed...I hope anyway. If you read some of my replies, you can see the things he's done to help himself through this thing already.
Congrats, you look amazing btw!~!
Lisa

sickofskin

DebbieLyn,
First off, your a beautiful lady, and I'm so happy you have a man that loves you flaws and all. Your blessed!!

I typed several responses that will show you the steps Scott has taken to get help. I'm so sorry you went through much of the same thing I am. It hurts like crap, I know. But, all porn, except some old playboys that belonged to his late Dad are the only pornography things in his home. There's still the internet that scares the crap out of me, b/c that's where you can sure get your porn addiction easily and for free even. He has insisted on me having his FB password, but he does not have it. He can still have a social life, because I refused to allow him to de-activate it...he needs the prayers, friendships, and help of his true friends...but I'll be able to see if he's starting up flirty convoes with the "hotties" now. I'm still scared as there's porn on his phone, and the net like I said, but he IS doing many steps to get rid of this idea of the perfect "porn" star woman.
Thank you again, and YOU GO GIRL...only 20-something pounds left to go! WOOT!!!!
Lisa