partner needs help adjusting to loose skin

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  • emilyisbonkers
    emilyisbonkers Posts: 373 Member
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    I have no idea what to say, as I can't even imagine how that feels BUT well done on the weightloss, and skin or no skin, your face is gorgeous :)
  • sickofskin
    sickofskin Posts: 12
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    Chadomaniac,
    Pretty sure I knew that....Ü I have a LOT of weight loss...which I consider to be my "trophy" in a way. Already knew the skin won't snap back on it's own. Please understand my age is 47, so that elasticity of a 20 yr old is no longer there. I know I need surgery. I just can't afford. Will be trying some of the wonderful ideas posted here.
    Lisa
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,741 Member
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    I know this is probably NOT what you want to hear. But I would end the relationship and find a new partner who doesn't have an issue with it, or has far less idealistic notions of the human body. I'm not 100% laying blame on your boyfriend, please understand. We can't really choose what we are attracted to. However, there ARE people out there whose ideals are much different. It is my belief that you (and I, and all people) deserve a partner who is truly attracted to your body, and I don't think there's ANY body that is unworthy of that. Controversial to some people, maybe.

    FWIW, I was married for 9+ years to a guy who weighed 350 lb and wasn't that attracted to larger women. I was between 230-307 during our marriage and he was not any more responsive or attracted to me at 230 than at 307. He had a very low sex drive due to medical issues as well. It took a toll on my self-esteem and I was not living a full life in that marriage. I craved physical affection and sexual fulfillment. I have found that now with my current husband who is truly into big bums & hips, and attracted to ALL females who have that body type whether they're thinner or very obese. He can't get enough of my body and to him it was awesome even at 270 lb when we met. He is 6'2" and a fit healthy 225 lb.

    Your partner being 100% INTO YOU is something you deserve.
  • sickofskin
    sickofskin Posts: 12
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    Emily,
    Thank you SO much. I find that you have a beautiful face as well. You can read the other posts to see what we've been doing to get help up to this point. Congrats on your weight loss, your looking beautiful as I said!!!!!! Thank you for taking time to post that to me. My spirit is blessed today.
    Lisa
  • 77sheep
    77sheep Posts: 3
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    Porn is an addiction just like eating too much of the wrong thing can be an addiction! We all need accountability. Just remember it's a long process and it has to start with baby steps and it can't be fixed over night. Only Jesus can fix that sort of thing over night.
  • sickofskin
    sickofskin Posts: 12
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    Seltzermint,
    My soon to be ex husband, had low Testosterone too, and was always heavy, and honestly had "man boobs". I never found him unattractive, but....he never seeked help for this low T problem, hence, my weight gain. I was a skinny kid, and a super morbidly obese sad adult. He said my body fat, AND after weight loss was never a problem. He wasn't a very honest man, and so I never believed it due to the lack of sex in our marriage.

    My boyfriend has had 3 loves of his life. 1st was thin, 2nd was heavy, I'm post of weight loss saggy skin. He admits that he's never been attracted to any of the 3 of our bodies, but wants the help to see PAST body type, size, weight ect. He's thrown out all porn. Got rid of his sick USB file he kept of our friends from FB,and has made a call to get into counseling. He's truly working on it I believe. Can he be healed, I don't know? Never been with anyone addicted to porn, and with anyone who has the wrong idea of what a REAL woman looks like....this is so new to me.

    I'm SO happy you found a man who loves you that much and wants you constantly. I will say that I am lucky that my BF does want me, it's just my butt, more than anything does not attract him at all...really the whole body, but my butt being the hardest for him. I do FEEL love, and I do love him, disabled body and all. TO me, he's beautiful inside and out. He just has an illness. But, can this illness be cured like other illnesses can? This is a deep imbedded thing in many men. A good friend sat here in my BF's home yesterday, also around our late 40 age, saying he too, don't want a woman his age, he too, only finds the 20-ish girls attractive, but he's also lonely....and starting to realize that he might be barking up the wrong trees....Ü I pray for our friend too. He don't deserve to be lonely, b/c he has a warped sense of women. Scott and I feel like what we're going through could actually help our friend too? Who knows? God works in mysterious ways......
    Thank you again, and I'm SO happy for you!!!!!
    Lisa
  • sickofskin
    sickofskin Posts: 12
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    77 sheep,
    you are SO right. We recognize that as well. Scott has been super angry with God for awhile now. He was a muscle bound hunk in HS, playing all sports. Now he's using a walker at age 48. His wife and he didn't make it, and lonliness pretty well prevailed in his life I think. But, I do think that he's taking the right steps. The night everything "went down" I had to eat since I'm hypoglycemic now....I sat us at the table, and he grabbed my hand. I thought he was just going to hold it, as he IS touchy feely with me. He does touch me constantly and love on me constantly kissing and showing love......but what I heard was "dear God.........." I bowed, shocked......cried, got up, hugged him, kissed him, and said "I'm staying right by your side all through this".
    Your so right, and thank you for your response, and congrats on your weight loss!!!!
    Lisa
  • DebbieLyn63
    DebbieLyn63 Posts: 2,650 Member
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    This is a very tough position to be in, and you have already received some good advice.

    As for the porn addiction, that can be very damaging to a relationship and can destroy you in the process. I was married to a multiple addict for 8 yrs, (alcohol, drugs, porn) and the porn addiction was the most damaging to me and my self-esteem. And I wasn't overweight at the time. Being turned down on a consistent basis, because he'd rather be with his magazines instead, destroyed my self image and self-worth. If the internet had been around at that time, it would have been even worse.

    I would suggest taking a really hard look at this relationship and decide if it is really worth continuing. He has multiple strikes against him with the porn addiction, skewed sense of beauty, and admitting that he doesn't find you attractive. My heart aches for you, because I know the pain this causes, and trust me, it will only get worse.

    Having a spouse walk out if devastating. The easiest way to get over it is to find someone new. That seems like a good idea at the time, but can be only compounding problems, and can leave you even more damaged.

    When you are truly ready for a relationship, you deserve to have someone who loves you completely. Flaws and all. And is attracted to you and ONLY to you.

    As for the loose skin, compression undergarments can help with aesthetics, and in time some of the skin may shrink up some.

    Now, I have been blessed to have spent the past 16 years with a man who loves me completely, wrinkles, scars, and loose skin, and still finds me hot! That is a lifetime love.

    We all deserve to be loved completely.
  • sickofskin
    sickofskin Posts: 12
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    Skater Girl,
    Thank you for your reply. I love him. I believe he loves me. He has an illness that I think can be healed...I hope anyway. If you read some of my replies, you can see the things he's done to help himself through this thing already.
    Congrats, you look amazing btw!~!
    Lisa
  • sickofskin
    sickofskin Posts: 12
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    DebbieLyn,
    First off, your a beautiful lady, and I'm so happy you have a man that loves you flaws and all. Your blessed!!

    I typed several responses that will show you the steps Scott has taken to get help. I'm so sorry you went through much of the same thing I am. It hurts like crap, I know. But, all porn, except some old playboys that belonged to his late Dad are the only pornography things in his home. There's still the internet that scares the crap out of me, b/c that's where you can sure get your porn addiction easily and for free even. He has insisted on me having his FB password, but he does not have it. He can still have a social life, because I refused to allow him to de-activate it...he needs the prayers, friendships, and help of his true friends...but I'll be able to see if he's starting up flirty convoes with the "hotties" now. I'm still scared as there's porn on his phone, and the net like I said, but he IS doing many steps to get rid of this idea of the perfect "porn" star woman.
    Thank you again, and YOU GO GIRL...only 20-something pounds left to go! WOOT!!!!
    Lisa
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,741 Member
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    Seltzermint,
    My soon to be ex husband, had low Testosterone too, and was always heavy, and honestly had "man boobs". I never found him unattractive, but....he never seeked help for this low T problem, hence, my weight gain. I was a skinny kid, and a super morbidly obese sad adult. He said my body fat, AND after weight loss was never a problem. He wasn't a very honest man, and so I never believed it due to the lack of sex in our marriage.

    My boyfriend has had 3 loves of his life. 1st was thin, 2nd was heavy, I'm post of weight loss saggy skin. He admits that he's never been attracted to any of the 3 of our bodies, but wants the help to see PAST body type, size, weight ect. He's thrown out all porn. Got rid of his sick USB file he kept of our friends from FB,and has made a call to get into counseling. He's truly working on it I believe. Can he be healed, I don't know? Never been with anyone addicted to porn, and with anyone who has the wrong idea of what a REAL woman looks like....this is so new to me.

    I'm SO happy you found a man who loves you that much and wants you constantly. I will say that I am lucky that my BF does want me, it's just my butt, more than anything does not attract him at all...really the whole body, but my butt being the hardest for him. I do FEEL love, and I do love him, disabled body and all. TO me, he's beautiful inside and out. He just has an illness. But, can this illness be cured like other illnesses can? This is a deep imbedded thing in many men. A good friend sat here in my BF's home yesterday, also around our late 40 age, saying he too, don't want a woman his age, he too, only finds the 20-ish girls attractive, but he's also lonely....and starting to realize that he might be barking up the wrong trees....Ü I pray for our friend too. He don't deserve to be lonely, b/c he has a warped sense of women. Scott and I feel like what we're going through could actually help our friend too? Who knows? God works in mysterious ways......
    Thank you again, and I'm SO happy for you!!!!!
    Lisa

    Thank you Lisa. That is very sweet. I truly hope you can find happiness, with him or with someone else, or just on your own. You deserve it.

    I think society can do some crazy things to our minds. It makes me sad to hear about all of these men who can't get past the idea of a nubile camera-ready female body that only exists in fantasy and that most women only look that way for a very short time if at all. In some ways though, I think most of us have a little of that stuff in our brains even if we don't think we do. For example I have always had in the back of my mind this idea that a guy should be very Type A and ambitious and earn enough for me to never work. I've not had that experience and during a brief period that I was a "happy homemaker" I was soooo unhappy, it's all a lie. I know that's different but it's the same kind of thing, the "ideals" we are all brought up with that permeate our culture. We must overcome that stuff to be happy.

    Good luck with everything!!
  • rb16fitness
    rb16fitness Posts: 236 Member
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    OP why are you desperate to maintain a relationship with someone that doesn't find you attractive? This is not something praying can overcome. Either you float his boat or you don't. Simple.

    The porn argument holds no water, as amateur porn has people of all shapes and sizes not just size 0 models. You can't help what you're attracted to and you shouldn't hold it against him. But, you should both go your seperate ways.

    FYI - he could set up a new facebook account and also watch porn on his mobile phone. Throwing away a usb stick and giving you his fb password means zilch.

    Find someone you don't want to change. Find someone who loves you as you are.

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