Damned if I do, Damned if I don't

m00tmike

I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.

I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food? I think the best solution is for me to make my own food, not because I don't like what she makes, but because that gives me the most control over my diet. Thanks for your thoughts.

sunsetzen

Dude....you've been married for 7 years and you said all that?

Start with a heart to heart. Beg her (yes, now you have to beg since you f'd up the first try) to help you out with your calorie goals by using 'lighter' substitutes, by giving you less on your plate, or even just by letting you know whats in the food so you can plan accordingly. Show her your diet plan so she understands how much your weight loss depends on her. If she doesnt want to help, dont accuse her any more, and just cook for your damn self.

If my husband had done anything you did,......well, he knows better than that.

lightinfl

tell her you're sorry for the argument earlier and then offer to help her fix the meals... and you can do the veggies/side dishes. That way you know what half of the meals are going to cost in the way of calories and you can moderate how much of the main course you eat without leaving the table hungry or offending her further. Maybe after you've been cooking side by side for a while, she will understand what you are trying to do with cutting back.

Is she overweight herself? If so, she might find you "interfering" in the meal preparation as an insult and not welcome it... she might think you are criticizing not just how she cooks but how she looks so think about what you are going to say and how you are going to approach it before jumping in. Good luck...

wertgirlfor

Throwing this out here, she's probably not trying to "sabotage" your weight loss. She probably puts a lot of effort into cooking/planning meals and when you refuse to eat them, it most likely either a. hurts her feelings, because a lot of people who cook do so to show affection or b. makes her feel like you don't care about all the effort she's putting in providing meals for you.
I think you should apologize for telling her you wish you hadn't eaten the breakfast she made for you, and when things are less heated, ask her to help you out and try using lighter substitutes when possible. Like skim milk instead of whole, and to maybe ease up on the butter and fatty foods in recipes. Maybe show her your MFP diary. and how you log things.
I'd hope she'd be more reasonable after that, and when she makes some less healthy meals, just eat less of it, and add more veggies/salad. If she refuses to compromise at all (give it time), I would tell her that you'll have to make your own meals just because you really want to lose weight and be healthy, and all her delicious cooking makes it hard to eat in moderation :P

rushfive

I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.

All I heard was " I DIDN'T WANT TO EAT WHAT SHE MAKES" and " IT TAKES A LOT OF TIME TO ENTER IN"..
I can see your point, you may have gone about it the wrong way.... plus she is a stay at home wife with 3 kids...extra stress for her also...then hubby says that...hummmm
You two need to talk or start making YOUR OWN MEALS... oh and maybe YOU could offer to cook for the whole family...Better yet, why don't you just start taking over the cooking for the family...

QuincyChick

I don't think you owe her an apology, at all.

Tell her that you appreciate her hard work, but that you're really committed to being healthier and that you need to either start making your own meals or cooking for the two of you.

action_figure

I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.

I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food? I think the best solution is for me to make my own food, not because I don't like what she makes, but because that gives me the most control over my diet. Thanks for your thoughts.

Okay, first of all, cooking is a major pain in the *kitten*, isn't very rewarding, and when people refuse to eat it for some reason, there can be major hurt feelings. (Source: I live with three picky eaters.) When you're a stay at home mommy, you don't get the same rewards that other people do for going to out of the house jobs, and you live with TOTALLY unreasonable people who throw fits at the drop of a hat. Now, that all said, of course you don't have to eat what she cooks. It's NOT part of "being married". "Being married" is as individual as every couple who attempt it. The most important thing in this situation is honest communication from both sides. Personally though, WHO THE EFFIN' HELL MAKES PANCAKES WITH HALF N HALF????? That seems like deliberate sabotage to me. The butter vrs. oil thing is calorically neutral, but half n half?? I've never even heard of that.

When it comes down to it, whatever you guys work out that you can both live with and feel good about is what works. Currently my husband makes some of the meals for he and the boys, and I make some of them for all of us. I generally eat something different than them because I'm at a point in my diet when I'm trying to maximise my lean muscle retention and my macros are pretty nitpicky right now. Plus I'm on a grilled salmon kick. I could get my knickers all in a twist because "nobody likes the healthy food I make" but it's easier to just do my own thing and take any frustration out on my bike or the trail.

briana12077

Hmmm, she may just feel like you think she isn't healthy and that you don't like that (even subconsciously she feels this way), and she probably thinks you don't want to eat her food. Maybe try asking to cook for her one day. Make her understand that it isn't that you don't wanna eat her food, just that you want to eat in a way where you are in control. So maybe she will feel happy if you cook for the family and take it off her hands, or cook together! Make it a fun activity.

sunman00

unless she starts deep-frying Mars-bars you should be able to eat anything she cooks; just check out the ingredients & weigh yourself out a portion that fits your daily intake.

in my own case when I started this I started buying & cooking my own food; we have 2 growing teenage boys & wife didn't want to change their diet, she's pretty clean anyway so when she made pizza or something I'd just make something else;
these days we all eat more of the same thing; lots of pulses instead of potatoes; wholegrain deice, wholewheat pasta; lots of chicken

& btw, it's ok to argue, passion is good in a r/ship' "If you can't fight you can't *kitten*"

Polly758

"Wrong and right" are basically irrelevant when it comes to feelings. It sounds like you hurt her feelings so she got a little revenge by cooking something she knew you wouldn't want to eat. Hopefully you both are even now and you can both grow up a little. You could probably stand to remember that stay-at-home moms feel live slaves a lot of times, and she could stand to think about the heath of the family.

Remember she's worked all day too, so maybe you could give her some time off when you get home from work by doing some meal prep-- or by helping her with chopping and stuff. Hell, get the kids in the kitchen with you and make dinner together while she takes a rest or has some exercise. Then she can clean while you rest, then try to take the rest of evening off together.

Just some ideas. Maybe thinking in terms of hours on the job will help things balance out, or feel more balanced out.

rainbowbow

What on earth? Is she your mother? She TOLD YOU you HAVE to eat what she cooks? LOL


Make your own food, let her see the awesome progress you make in your personal goal. It will probably inspire her to change her own habits (hopefully for her and your children's sake).

Eta: I'm not sure of your wife's weight or habits but I'd wager that you changing and improving yourself probably also makes her self conscious or question her own habits.

cenafan

granted...I'm not married but I'm not understanding why people are saying he should apologize. He has been upfront and honest about his desire to lose weight. She should support him as well. There is no reason to use higher fat/cal items when you can easily substitute other items in an effort to support your spouse in their fitness goals.

MercenaryNoetic26

Put the recipe in. Eat an amount that fits your macros. Keep the peace.


Butter is not bad. Half & half is not bad. It's not a pain to enter a simple recipe such as pancakes. I entered my husband's recipe and called it monster pancakes. They're delicious and everyone is happy. I get the frustration, but seriously, she is cooking for you and that's awesome.

ETA: Or yes, deny yourself her delicious homecooked meals and make boring easy to track ones. It was a big deal to my man, so I entered the recipe. Family meals are important to some. There can be compromise here.

workout_ninja

i think you are both in the wrong tbh. She puts alot of effort into cooking and you tell her you dont want her food? Id be pissed at that. However, she knows you are trying to lose weight and doesnt seem to offer any support on the matter and doesnt tell you what ingredients are in until after you ate it.

Id sit down and calmly tell her that you need support on this journey so if she could weigh the ingredients while she cooks, that would be really helpful. If she is not willing to do that, tell her you will cook for yourself.

annbillingsley

I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.

I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food? I think the best solution is for me to make my own food, not because I don't like what she makes, but because that gives me the most control over my diet. Thanks for your thoughts.

I would personally be offended if my bf talked to me like that. I take a lot of time and effort into to trying to balance healthy meals with tasty ones everyone in the house will enjoy. She is a full-time care-giver, so you basically told her she isn't doing a good enough job and want to "fire her" as the cook. Also, you have to realize it not only means a change in food cooked, it means a change in grocery shopping and it means she has to keep track of every single thing she puts in a recipe. If she is anything like most of us, a little dash of something here, a little there, a few extra potatoes here or a few extra carrots--basically whatever you have handy at the time. It is a HUGE lifestyle change FOR HER, too!!!! One that you did not get her input on and are now criticizing her for. You have control over what you put into your mouth, no matter what she cooks.

You complained about having to log all the ingredients into a recipe because it takes a lot of time??? Are you serious???? What do you think the rest of us do who don't have our meals cooked for us?????? It sounds like you do not appreciate all the effort she puts into making meals AT ALL.

I would suggest having a heart-to-heart with yourself first. This is your journey, but what you do effects everyone around you. You need to do what will get you t a healthier you, but you need to think of what that will do to others in your household and see if you can spare them as much upheaval as possible.

After that, talk to her. Perhaps you should take on ALL of the role...which means grocery list, shopping, and preparing the meals for your entire family. When I told my bf that if he wanted me to cook exactly what he wanted, he can take on all the responsibility himself. Amazing how quickly he turned his attitude around when he realized just how much work is actually involved with cooking meals for not only himself, but an entire family.

good luck to you!

liloldDee

Did you say your happy to make your own meals, if so I can't understand her problem. Your an adult and if you choose to cook different food from your family it shouldn't be an issue.

I'm the only one (thankfully) in my family with weight issues. I do most of the cooking but sometimes my husband does and he has no problem making something different for me or cooking alongside me if what I'm doing is tricky.


I really can't see what you have to apologise for, sure you could have chosen better words than "not healthy" but you are a person in your own right and should be in control of what you eat. Just because you're married doesn't mean your not entitled to voice opinions and make different choices.
Is she supportive of your weight loss, does she agree you need to lose weight?

Llamapants86

portion control and deal with having to enter the ingredients of a recipe. That's a hell of a lot easier than actually preparing food.

AleciaG724

You're doing a GREAT job losing weight! I'm not sure what the problem is as you seem to be managing very well. It's just too hard to log the food she's cooking (in this case, suck it up buttercup)? Or you want her to change the way she cooks to be healthier (much tougher issue)?

My husband & I are both on MFP - after he saw me lose 30+ he asked me to show him what to do, now he's lost 30# and I've lost 55#!! Four years ago I became vegetarian & at first would still cook him meat to go with whatever I made, but after a few months he said I didn't need to. He eats what he wants at restaurants & will sometimes buy a rotisserie chicken, or a steak to cook himself at home, and eats whatever else I make (I'm a good cook!). Since we're both on MFP, he just copies my meals into his log (LAZY!).That being said, I don't think I would have been happy if he didn't eat what I cooked... It's kind of insulting, so I can see why you argued.

Can just eat smaller portions of what your wife makes? It may take a little longer to log, but unless she's on board with cooking healthier/differently for the whole family, I think it's your best solution. If she's open to just cooking for herself & your kids(?) then I guess you could cook for yourself, but as a SAHM it's her part of her job to feed the family, right? I'd say have a heart-to-heart with her about wanting to lose weight & eat healthier and teaching the kids about proper nutrition so they don't have health issues as they get older. Go to the library & get a few good healthy cookbooks, or check out some websites (eatingwell.com) and try meal planning & cooking together.

Best of luck to you!

rosellasweet

I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.

I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food? I think the best solution is for me to make my own food, not because I don't like what she makes, but because that gives me the most control over my diet. Thanks for your thoughts.

Okay, first of all, cooking is a major pain in the *kitten*, isn't very rewarding, and when people refuse to eat it for some reason, there can be major hurt feelings. (Source: I live with three picky eaters.) When you're a stay at home mommy, you don't get the same rewards that other people do for going to out of the house jobs, and you live with TOTALLY unreasonable people who throw fits at the drop of a hat. Now, that all said, of course you don't have to eat what she cooks. It's NOT part of "being married". "Being married" is as individual as every couple who attempt it. The most important thing in this situation is honest communication from both sides. Personally though, WHO THE EFFIN' HELL MAKES PANCAKES WITH HALF N HALF????? That seems like deliberate sabotage to me. The butter vrs. oil thing is calorically neutral, but half n half?? I've never even heard of that.

When it comes down to it, whatever you guys work out that you can both live with and feel good about is what works. Currently my husband makes some of the meals for he and the boys, and I make some of them for all of us. I generally eat something different than them because I'm at a point in my diet when I'm trying to maximise my lean muscle retention and my macros are pretty nitpicky right now. Plus I'm on a grilled salmon kick. I could get my knickers all in a twist because "nobody likes the healthy food I make" but it's easier to just do my own thing and take any frustration out on my bike or the trail.

Hmmm, I have to respectfully disagree. Cooking has never been a pain in the *kitten* for me and I always find it rewarding. I get to eat yummy food! A lot tastier than the store or Micky D's.

OP, I don't think you owe her an apology. Who told you that it was part of marriage that you MUST eat what your wife cooks and she's the only one that can cook? I've been married for almost 3 years and both my husband and I cook. Because of my new eating lifestyle, my husband doesn't always want to eat what I cook so I make sure he has something to eat, but he makes it himself. However, when he cooks, it's usually healthy so I don't have to worry. Plus, he loves me losing weight so it's not hard for him to be supportive.

Have you tried suggesting healthy alternatives? Usually if you substitute one or two ingredients, it can make a world of difference. If she refuses, then you're going to have to cook for yourself. I agree with Rainbowbow that your eating habits are probably making your wife self-conscious.

burtnyks

I would agree with the other posters. Simple solution....make your own food! Its a pain in the butt but you can prep all your meals on Sunday's. I worked 50 hrs a week and was in graduate school and still managed to prep all my meals. I'm sure your wife would be thrilled. I'm sure it can be frustration for your wife to have to make multiple meals. A friend of mine has small children and a husband with Crohn's. Its hard to please everyone....

Dgydad

First and foremost, she's actively undermining your efforts to eat healthy. I don't know you or your wife, so I can't say why. Having been married for 33 years myself, however, I will say this: your relationship has become toxic. You really should seek out counselling ASAP. It just ain't normal to resist or subvert the efforts of someone you claim to love to lead a healthier lifestyle................