Damned if I do, Damned if I don't

sami_83

Man, if my boyfriend suddenly didn't want the food I make I'd think he was being a giant pain in the *kitten*. Frankly it's tedious and stressful having to plan, shop for and cook every meal for us both FOR ETERNITY. I hate it. But if I don't do it we will starve. He has no input into what we eat except for the fact that I don't make things that I know he hates. So basically he gets what he's given. It's a compromise, due to the fact that he can't/won't learn to cook (2 minute noodles is as competent as he gets in the kitchen) nor does he ever offer suggestions as to what he wants. Me: "What do you want for tea tonight?" Him: "Whatever."
Thankfully he knows the deal and is grateful that I cook for him and likes my food. If he didn't, he'd have to learn to look after himself

Perhaps your wife is in a similar position and is pretty much over being chained to the kitchen, and now you've added the extra burden of making her rethink all of her recipes which up until now she probably just made on autopilot.
If that is the case, you would do well to start meal planning with her, grocery shopping with (or for) her, and doing some of the cooking. If all you do is say "I don't want that" but then put the burden on her to work out an alternative, well, that's pretty mean.

If I had someone cooking every meal for me I'd be in heaven, regardless of what it was! Bloody hell. Sometimes I think people don't realise that cooking is actually a chore. A massive chore. Especially if you get to do the dishes too. Fun kitchen times all round :grumble:

jenilla1

...I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food?...

It's your relationship, so you have to do what works within the boundaries of that relationship. I can tell you about MY life, but it won't necessarily translate to yours.

My husband and I split the cooking 50/50. I appreciate the fact that he cooks with my needs in mind, and I do the same for him. To me, it doesn't matter what the gender of the cook is. The cook has the POWER to structure meals and/or alter ingredients. It's only a matter of whether or not the cook WANTS to do it. There's NO WAY anyone should have to cook separate meals for different people, but it's simple enough to make a few healthy changes for the whole family or to gives a heads up to someone watching their intake. So is there a power struggle in your relationship? Why wouldn't she want to help out? Are YOU being a jerk about it or is SHE being a jerk about it? Maybe it's just a misunderstanding. The only way to know is to talk it out...

Sometimes I think people get into their roles in life and get defensive. Whatever it is they do, they take ownership of it and derive power from it. If you've got someone feeling like they need more power or control in their life, then they might assert more control in the areas of their life that they do have control over. Maybe she's thinking: you do your job and don't tell me how to do mine. Don't tell me how to run my kitchen. Maybe she's threatened by your new lifestyle. Who knows? I'd ask her...nicely, though. Because we only got your side of the story. Maybe you pissed her off somehow.

I think power struggles and problems with compromising are common issues for both genders, so you're not alone. I have no good advice because I just don't have patience for shenanigans and we don't play these kinds of games in my house. If there's a problem we get it out in the open and we resolve it. Life is more fun when everybody's happy. Good luck, though. :flowerforyou:

bbsweetpea

I have not read all the responses but I think you need to sit down and talk with her. I am a stay at home working and homeschooling mom to 3 kids. I still cook the food and enter the recipes in here so that my husband can easily count his meals. I do it for myself as well but mainly for him. I also weigh out and bag up his snack food for him to take to work. Whatever I can do to support his goals is what I do. Yes it would be easier to just worry about my own goals but we are a team.

Talk to your wife and see if she can get on board with you. Changing up a few things to make less calorie recipes usually does not take away taste. Good luck!

pattyproulx

Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy".

That to me looks like a good way to start a fight.

1 - Time entering the meal in the tracker should not play into this at all. I'm 100% sure she spends more than 4-5 times the time making the meal than it would take to enter it into the tracker.

2 - Why not work with her to discuss some of the things you'd like to change rather than tell her you don't want to eat what she cooks? Offer suggestions for the next time. Maybe ask for an extra side of veggies so you can opt for the veggies instead of the mashed potatoes.

3 - Don't complain about the food that's already made. It could be tough but instead of 'If I'd have known you made the pancakes like that, I wouldn't have eaten them.", tell her it was delicious but remind her that since you're tracking the foods, it makes it difficult for you to eat within your limits for the rest of the day when it's made with that much fat.

TonyaMeadows

Thank you to all who thought what I said was good or a possibility. I actually know a woman who throws a fit if her man tries to loose weight or cooks for himself. I asked her years ago why do that to him. She said that she would rather have him fat and coming home to her than skinny and all the other women chasing after him. I personally think it is crazy to be that way man or woman. I have known men that way and my first husband was that way but it back-fired on him. I thought it was crazy but the bigger that I got the more men I had chasing after me. {shrug} My current husband knows I am having to try to loose the weight for my health. He goes in with me to see the doctor and asks his questions as well. I hope for this man's marriage and for his wife and kids, things get worked out. Too many divorces due to lack of communication and it is just sad.

Dgydad

You're welcome to believe whatever you want. But if you beleive there isn't something wrong, or that it doesn't need to be addressed, you're in denial. There atre any number of ways she could respond positively to his efforts, and she's chosen not to. That's a problem for him; so it's a problem for them. Perhaps you could offer some useful information for the poster instead?

pinkiemarie252

Unless you can find a way to get her onboard with eating healthier, this isn't a battle you're likely to win. I think you're going to be cooking your own meals from now on. Don't worry, it isn't that hard. Sometimes you can make a big batch of something you would prefer ahead of time and eat leftovers for a few days. Other times you can plan ahead to have ingredients on hand to make something quick and easy.

pinkiemarie252

Also why do a bunch of people think he has to apologize for asking for a reasonable thing--a healthy diet and not having his health and well being sabotaged? He doesn't need to apologize, IMO.

RosaliaBee

She said I have to eat what she makes.

I would totally erupt at that if ANYONE said that to me! Seriously.
No you don't HAVE to eat what she makes. No that is not in the marriage contract.

You have the absolute right to choose what you want to eat for the sake of your own health and well-being.
She has no right to dominate you and undermine you that way.

You don't need her permission to make healthy choices for you.
She isn't your mother she's your life partner, and that means she's supposed to support you and not control you.

Try not to argue about it. Just do what you need to to have a wholesome diet that keeps you healthy for you, and most importantly for the sake of your children..

Good luck, and keep determined!

yankeedownsouth

Curious to hear how this turned out. OP hasn't been back to this thread since he started it..

squirlyrn

You are your own person. Just because you are married, doesnt mean that person is supposed to control your every move. Yeah, maybe it hurt her feelings, but she is truely aware that you are trying to lose weight and should support you by either cooking healthier, or letting you make your own food. Are you sure she doesnt feel threatened because you are trying to lose weight? When someone wants to lose weight, sometimes their partner feels guilty about there own eating habits, or their own need to lose weight. Sometimes it is an insecurity within themselves. I have been a full-time nurse, and a stay at home mom, so I have experienced both worlds. Staying at home, you feel your only control is over the kids, and house, and food. However, if my husband was on a diet, I would respect him and support his goals.

twixlepennie

I'm a sahm and do all the cooking/baking in our house. My husband has recently started trying to lose weight and it was not a big deal to make some changes to how I prepare his food, in order to accommodate his new dietary needs. Your wife needs to get over herself and help you out.

squirlyrn

Agree...He needs to say it nice, and she needs to accept it!

WhiteRabbit1313

She said I have to eat what she makes.

No. You. Don't.

That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard.

YOU are taking responsibility for YOU, as well as, offering to prepare your own meals. I could see her being miffed if you insisted that SHE prepare special meals for you, even though that would be nice of her, but you didn't. You simply stated that you want to try something different, on your own. She needs to respect your decisions on what you do for your health.

In my case, my husband and I both work outside the home. He doesn't eat veggies, but I depend on them! So, when I cook, I cook my veggies. He doesn't eat them, and I don't care. He also doesn't care that I cook them. That's normal boundaries, imo.

Don't allow her attitude to affect your resolve to better yourself. Prepare your own food.

WhiteRabbit1313

I'm a sahm and do all the cooking/baking in our house. My husband has recently started trying to lose weight and it was not a big deal to make some changes to how I prepare his food, in order to accommodate his new dietary needs. Your wife needs to get over herself and help you out.

Haha! I agree, but it sounds like that might not happen, in this case.

lbetancourt

Seriously, making pancakes with half & half AND butter? WTF? Who eats like that? AND, her feelings are hurt cuz he doesn't want to eat that crap? She isn't supporting his weight loss goals cooking like that. Perhaps she is nervous about her BIG Mike turning into HOT Mike. OP, put your foot down. You are her husband not her child. Good luck!

RosaliaBee

Perhaps she is nervous about her BIG Mike turning into HOT Mike.

Yeah, she's insecure about him becoming attractive to other women, that's why she's all 'hurt' about him wanting to cook healthier meals for himself.

Also as another poster said, some women are very territorial around the home and kitchen, they see it as being their 'domain' to control. Such women will also often treat their husbands like children.

In making decisions she dislikes, he's shaking up her need for control over both the home and him. I suspect he's going to have some dramas to face down as he shifts the power balance that keeps her feeling secure.