Helping my 12 year old daughter...

gigglesinthesun

Let me just say something really quick that I left out. I'm 21 and I still hate working out because of what my mom put me through. She would make me go on 2 mile walks with her everyday and she would make me to go the gym with her in the morning everyday or she would make me do exercises everyday. Now while I appreciate now how sweet it was of her to take that time and do it with me, she made if FEEL like exercise and I HATED it. For one, I was being singled out, and I felt embarrassed to have to work out. Working out only reminded me that I was fat and gross, and I would not put a lot of effort into it because of that. In return my mom would get upset with me for not putting in effort and saying I'm wasting my time. Then I'd feel even worse. We'd end up yelling and fighting and all kinds of upset going on. Just don't force her to work out. The walks were nice actually a lot of times we had fun conversations and had fun trying to beat our times. One problem was she still tried to make it about losing weight too much which in return made me feel lousy. I thought everyone who saw me walking with my mom just knew I was horrible and gross and ugly (which they didn't). If I thought of the walks as just to have fun and spend more time away from the TV, maybe i wouldn't have felt that way. She would pressure me to keep up with her, or walk ahead of me, which felt sad to me because half the reason I enjoyed the walks was the quality time.

About eating... she would pack me salads for school lunch. I felt awkward and embarrassed to be eating a packed salad with a separate container of dressing and it just felt stupid for a middle schooler to be bringing that for lunch. There were other ways I could have eaten healthy. Other times she tried sending me with nothing but a meal replacement bar... to school... for lunch. Please... that sucked watching other kids eat pizza and cookies. Not to mention kids are mean and kinda made fun of me. My mom didn't know she was doing anything wrong. I ended up always throwing out the salad at school and asking one of my friends to buy me a 75 cent cookie or something similar. I was seriously not eating healthy. I never told my mom. One day I remember she made me weight myself and I lost weight and she hugged me and was so happy and I ended up crying hysterically. When she asked me why I finally admitted that the only reason is because I haven't been eating any real lunch and then she didn't console me... she got SO ANGRY about the fact that i was throwing away my salads. She didn't understand that I just wanted to be like everyone else. And I just wanted a cookie sometimes.

Another thing I remember was always having to weight myself every single time we went to my grandmas house. Like all I was was my weight. Nothing else about me was important. I suffer from serious self-esteem issues, binging problems, and fear or working out. My mom never knew she was wrong, but she never took the time to really ask how I felt. She always just thought I was being stupid and silly. For sure, looking back on it I was being silly, my feelings were not correct, but they were my feelings therefor they were 100% justified.

I know this is really long but parents, please take the time to read this. Its important to know how what you do can REALLY affect your children. Just try to always make sure they know you love them, that they know they are 100% beautiful and perfect just how they are, and that you only want to help them. Listen to how THEY FEEL because its important. Try to work WITH them.

QFT

I skipped breakfast and lunch totally for 3 weeks (without my mum knowing) and I felt weak and faint and then my mum was so happy, because I lost some weight. I ended up sobbing in my bed thinking that I was just not loveable the way I was. My mum to this day thinks she did me a huge favour, because I am the only one in the family with a normal weight now, where as my skinny sister and my mum are very overweight now.

It is interesting to read the responses from other mums and from other 'children' so to speak and how they differ.

neandermagnon

Seriously, what is "snuggle time" anyway? Is that actually hugging your kid for 20 minutes straight? Or is it something different? I have never heard of that.

Don't know what snuggle time is for other people but with my former sort-of stepdaughters I made a point in being available for lots and lots of cuddles and snuggles. Meaning, if they had a bad day or just felt like it, we got comfy on the sofa, hugging, head-stroking. You know - every person likes different kinds of physical non-sexual affection. Some like it more, some like it less. For some kids this snuggle phase stops when they hit puberty - which is fine - and others like cuddling their parents or sort-of stepparents for much longer. I'm a grown-*kitten* woman and I still LOVE cuddling with my male or female friends. I guess it's a bit like monkeys' reciprocal grooming rituals.

It totally is. as are other similar things like giving back massages and friends styling each others' hair. when humans lost most of their hair, the typical primate grooming thing kind of morphed into other things like this.

Beka169

I'd like to reiterate what everyone else has said about approaching this cautiously because of the potential emotional impacts, but I also want to weigh in on the side of taking IMMEDIATE action - your daughter is 12, you won't have this much control/influence over her diet and lifestyle for much longer. By 12 I was already very overweight, I'd been on diets on and off for a couple of years, but around that age I started sneaking sweets/desserts/unhealthy food. I wish my mum had taken more drastic action with me.

I think what would have helped me in the long term is my mum making healthy choices. She normalised binge eating and low self-esteem for me, and I still can't really get over that, even as an adult it is still something which I struggle with massively. So be consistent in your own health efforts without making a big deal that this is a 'diet' or even 'healthy eating' - eat healthily and act as if it's normal.

Good luck to you and your daughter!

WendyTerry420

Seriously, what is "snuggle time" anyway? Is that actually hugging your kid for 20 minutes straight? Or is it something different? I have never heard of that.

yeah I think it's great doing physical affection with your kiddos but the 15+ minutes straight seemed off to me too.

I DO NOT mean anything inappropriate. Just unusual.

I think quality time can take many forms, though. I used to get ready for school and then sit on my stepmom's window seat in her bedroom watching her put on makeup and curl her hair. We talked more then than at any other time. I did that occasionally even when I was 17, and we were not "close" really but that helped with bonding for sure.

This is kinda where I was coming from. A 10ish-second hug and a kiss on the cheek is my daily physical affection with the kiddos. Our "quality time" is generally done in the kitchen while cooking dinner, or while watching a program on TV that we enjoy together, or when it's nice out, spending time in the backyard.

AlabasterVerve

Don't Blame Your Children for Their Weight
By Yoni Freedhoff

Earlier this summer, my office kicked off a three-year project in partnership with Ontario's Ministry of Health to help parents of children 12 and under with obesity. The program's extensive. It's one year in duration and involves unlimited one-on-one access to physicians, registered dietitians, clinical social workers, exercise specialists and, when needed, 10 hours of support from a clinical psychologist.

However, what it doesn't involve may surprise you – it doesn't involve the children. While the children will receive five hours of small group sessions with our clinical social worker, those sessions will be off-site and won't be focused on weight but instead on issues such as depression, anxiety, bullying, self-esteem, anger management and body image.

Otherwise, the entirety of the program is to be delivered exclusively to parents. Studies on parent-only childhood obesity treatment programs suggest outcomes at least as good as those that involve the children directly. If you stop to think about it, especially with the younger kids, that result is anything but surprising; because at the end of the day, it's their parents who make those kids' lifestyle choices for them, and it's their parents who provide the role modeling they'll carry with them the rest of their lives.

But what has surprised me some are the stories I'm hearing from parents – both of their own efforts to help their children and of their physicians' efforts. Almost without exception, and bear in mind we're talking about preteens here, the stories revolve around trying to teach incredibly young children that their weights are dependent on personal responsibility – that if they just put their not-even-remotely-developed young minds to it, they could manage their weights.

It's not that these parents don't adore their children, or that their pediatricians – like the one who had a frank talk with a 7-year-old about ensuring she eat more vegetables and drink a glass of water before every meal in a bid to manage her weight – aren't well educated. It's that we as a society have bought in – hook, line and sinker – to the notion that obesity is simple personal choice.

I explored that simple choice with one young mother who seemed somewhat flummoxed by the notion that personally managing weight was beyond the reach of her pre-teen, still-Barbie-doll-playing daughter. We chatted about her daughter's experiences.

According to mom, her daughter is bullied about her weight regularly at school to the point where she dreads going; was lectured to by her pediatrician, who provided her with all sorts of scary obesity health statistics; is regularly confronted by her parents about her dietary choices, often leading to uncontrollable sobbing; and is now no longer able or comfortable to participate in many physical activities she once loved. I asked mom simply, "Given all of the suffering your daughter's weight so clearly brings her, do you really think she hasn't tried to help herself?"

Kids today haven't suffered an epidemic loss of willpower. They're not sloths. They're not gluttons. They're not lazy. They're just normal kids living in a world where there's a torrential current of calories pointed at them; where we've normalized the use of sugar and junk food to mark every single life event, no matter how small; where governments are complicit in consumers being duped by lax front-of-package labeling laws that allow cereals like Froot Loops to boast about its nutritional benefits; where schools serve no-name junk food and teach kids that if a chip is baked, it's suddenly good for them; where young parents may be two generations away from regular home cooking and nightly family dinners; and where what were once portions designed for fully grown adults are now featured on kids' menus. And trust me, I could go on.

If you're concerned about your child's weight, finger-wagging blame isn't going to help. Rest assured the one thing your child doesn't lack are the crushing feelings of guilt and shame consequent to their weight, and were guilt and shame sufficient to inspire lifelong change, the world would be much slimmer.

While there is no simple set of instructions likely to help with your child's weight, I can set you up with one simple instruction with which to evaluate your parenting therein: Without compromises, live the life you want your children to live.

For most of us, including me, when we take a few moments to stop and think about the example we're setting, changes aren't very difficult to find. Those changes may mean some sacrifices on your part. It may mean more cooking, less restaurants, cutting your cable and getting more active. It may also mean being more patient, more thoughtful, more caring and more loving.

Teach your children by means of example and not lecture. Start there and slowly, as a family, you'll undoubtedly improve your health and potentially your weights as well.

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/eat-run/2013/08/28/dont-blame-your-children-for-their-weight

mnardi123

I'd like to thank everyone for their opinions and the discussions that have come about. Next time I post though I'll have to be very specific such as my daughter had hip surgery last year and cannot do many activities, including gym; that my whole family eats what I prepare and 99% of the time it consists of lean protein, veggies and whole grains (I even bake my own whole grain breads and pasta) and all three of my girls either shop or help cook. Do I project my fears on my kids? I think most of us do and maybe I do more than others, I lost a child 14 years ago and I'm SUPER over protective. But I never suggest that my daughter lose weight only encourage all of them to eat better. I love unconditionally, my girls are gorgeous, smart, funny and strong in spirit. I'm the luckiest mom to have them, they are each so different but each completely AWESOME!

Finally, the issue of snuggling and affection. Our morning snuggle involves getting into my husband's side of the bed and watching GMA until the weather comes up and we know what to wear, no we don't bear hug the whole time. Two of my three daughters partake the third prefers to do her makeup. My daughter has expressed to me that she is not a morning person and would like to walk in the afternoons thus morning snuggling continues even if I have to go to the gym at 5:45 AM to get back in time. To those who took offense to "getting it over with" when it comes to exercise well....I don't like it, in fact I HATE IT and my kids know this, but they also know that I hate the old me more than exercise so I do it regularly.

Thanks for all the input.