Wondering...without meaning to insult.

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Replies

  • thesupremeforce
    thesupremeforce Posts: 1,206 Member
    Clearly, they're all jealous of how attractive I am. I'm still working out the details as to how that relates to your sister, but it does somehow.
  • deeghoulie
    deeghoulie Posts: 1 Member
    People should just mind their own business in general. I wouldn't comment that someone's hair color was bizarre, their tats are ugly, or their nose is too crooked. Similarly, I'm not going to comment on someone's size, big or small.

    Live and let live. Unsolicited criticism, particularly from strangers or anyone not close, is never warranted. From a spouse or relative, unless asked for, it's rude.

    This! 100%

    Their body = their business.
  • scottkjar
    scottkjar Posts: 346 Member
    Honest honey, your butt looks PERFECT in that outfit.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
    Seriously? Let's break it down:

    "God, you're soooo skinny!!"

    "God, you're sooooo fat!!"


    Look at them, hear them in your head . . . . now tell me, especially considering the media shoved in our faces, which one you'd prefer being the receipient of.

    here's another one:

    Lean person is on a treadmill and someone is staring at them they jump to the conclusion they're getting stared at because _______(fill in the blank)

    Overweight person is on a treadmill and someone is staring at them they jump to the conclusion they're getting stared at because _______(fill in the blank)

    Weight is emotional, overweight moreso than underweight, and the discussions are emotional

    Also, especially when it's you're lover, it's difficult to bring it up without being insulting. This doesn't even have to do with delivery, but with perception (although delivery isn't always your friend either). The fact is, that person is at their most vulnerable with you, they know you know every inch of their body, opinions outside of "you are the sexiest most satisfying beast on the face of the earth" are then layered with complicated insecurities that range from the physical to the emotional and can be as raw as they come.
  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member
    Seriously? Let's break it down:

    "God, you're soooo skinny!!"

    "God, you're sooooo fat!!"


    Look at them, hear them in your head . . . . now tell me, especially considering the media shoved in our faces, which one you'd prefer being the receipient of.

    here's another one:

    Lean person is on a treadmill and someone is staring at them they jump to the conclusion they're getting stared at because _______(fill in the blank)

    Overweight person is on a treadmill and someone is staring at them they jump to the conclusion they're getting stared at because _______(fill in the blank)

    Weight is emotional, overweight moreso than underweight, and the discussions are emotional

    Also, especially when it's you're lover, it's difficult to bring it up without being insulting. This doesn't even have to do with delivery, but with perception (although delivery isn't always your friend either). The fact is, that person is at their most vulnerable with you, they know you know every inch of their body, opinions outside of "you are the sexiest most satisfying beast on the face of the earth" are then layered with complicated insecurities that range from the physical to the emotional and can be as raw as they come.

    You still need those discussions though. Even if they hurt.

    As for the first part that was kind of my point, nobody has the right to try to make my sister feel bad about herself but because her problem is a blessing its ok? Trust me her and her husband trying to conceive a baby was very emotional for them and when very helpful people liked to suggest that maybe she should just put on a few pounds, it hurt her a lot.
  • fatfudgery
    fatfudgery Posts: 449 Member
    I hear you. I used to be really, really huge, but save for a few conversations over the years with close family members, nobody ever said anything to me about my weight. Now that I've lost weight, just about EVERYONE I know has told me that I need to stop losing weight, that I look too skinny and so on — sometimes they say it jokingly, but sometimes they're serious...

    I don't think you can call it a proper double-standard, though: society views fat people as ugly, undesirable, lazy, and a long list of et ceteras. The opposite applies to skinny people. So when you tell someone they're overweight, there are a bunch of implications about their character and their worth as a person (whether intended or unintended) that aren't there when you call them underweight. That's why most people avoid telling others they're fat, but have no trouble telling them they're thin.
  • mojohowitz
    mojohowitz Posts: 900 Member

    You still need those discussions though. Even if they hurt.


    Uhm. No. No you don't. I know I am overweight. I know I how I got this way. If I am able emotionally, physically, psychologically to make myself smaller I will. Otherwise, mind your own g**damn business.

    Just tell them. "If you choose to get serious about your health, I will help."

    Anything else is just c*nty nagging and will probably make things worse.

    Edit for clarity.
  • _KitKat_
    _KitKat_ Posts: 1,066 Member

    You still need those discussions though. Even if they hurt.


    Uhm. No. No you don't. I know I am overweight. I know I how I got this way. If I am able emotional, physically, psychologically to make myself smaller I will. Otherwise, mind your own g**damn business.

    Just tell them. "If you choose to get serious about your health, I will help."

    Anything else is just c*nty nagging.

    A spouse should be able to say something and those closest, I am not saying call someone fat or bring it up daily, but if they have recently gained a lot of weight and you are concerned or it is effecting the relationship an adult conversation is needed an example of that is "If you choose to get serious about your health, I will help.". My husband hasn't but should have brought up when I gained near 40 lbs extra. Just like if I was depressed and not showering or started doing drugs he would have the duty to discuss this with me. I in turn have no right to just think he should accept it and keep his mouth shut. If I got injured or sick and could not help my condition than he would still be able to express his concerns...he is my husband. Sometimes people don't like to hear things that they need to hear. I do not coddle anyone, even my kids (well there are times, but never safety or health) and I do not need or want to be coddled in return.
  • fatfudgery
    fatfudgery Posts: 449 Member

    You still need those discussions though. Even if they hurt.

    Uhm. No. No you don't.

    LOL! Seriously, leave fat people alone. We already know we're fat.
  • Beckboo0912
    Beckboo0912 Posts: 447 Member
    I think it depends on a ton of things. You don't need to have the conversation if the person who is big and knows it. Don't salt wounds, what if they are insecure? Even if you love them it doesn't hurt any less that you would say something, it would not help the situation, it could lead to more weight gain because your SO already thinks such and such so it must be true. If it's for health purposes, then it might be slightly different but in general don't add salt to a wound, don't make someone more insecure. It's not a fun feeling and no matter how much the non fatty trite to back track they can't once you start down that muddy road it doesn't get any better..it simply leads to a muddy marsh
  • mank32
    mank32 Posts: 1,323 Member
    1. 'thin' is better than 'heavy' is the prevailing attitude

    and

    2. 'heavy' is considered an UNdesirable state that is EASY for many folks to achieve and maintain, whereas 'thin' is considered a desirable state that is (considered to be) difficult for many folks to achieve and maintain.

    therefore:

    A. if you are heavy you are likely to encounter many people who sympathize with you and who do not wish to bring up the subject of your heaviness for fear of trodding on your delicate toes, because you are already 'down' in points, so to speak

    B. if you are thin you are likely to encounter jealous ppl who want to expose you as a fraud or knock you down a peg or two or something, because you are already 'up' in points (or the genuinely confused and/or concerned folks who just don't get that is IS okay to be that skinny, sometimes)

    C. if you are naturally VERY thin and have low bodyfat while being perfectly healthy, you are going to run into people who cannot accept the quirks of genetics which touch us all in very different ways and must come up with some bs story in their own head about how you have ED or whatnot so they can live with themselves and their own dumb ideas.

    re: OP: if you are close to someone and care about him/her, it is YOUR JOB to respectuflly talk to him/her about any SERIOUS concerns you have regarding his/her health/safety. NO ONE ELSE besides those that are closest to us and care about us should be making any comments about our lifestyle choices.

    you don't know me. you don't know what i eat or why. or how much i work out or why. you don't know how much i sleep, or drink, or smoke, or how many times a day i laugh or smile. you can't tell as much about me just by looking at me as you think you can. so stop thinking about it. do YOU, instead.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    I pretty much agreed with you in that thread but came at it by asking a bunch of questions. I believe a husband/wife should talk to their husband/wife about their concerns about weight gain BUT they should do it with respect and from a place of concern (for health or if affecting the relationship in other ways ie attraction). As others said above, people who are fat generally know that they're fat.

    As far as your sister is concerned, people are just jerks. It's never ok to make negative comments about someone's appearance unless one is asked to be brutally honest.
  • SeoulKim05
    SeoulKim05 Posts: 116 Member
    As the saying goes. Its not always the topic, its how you deliver it.
    I would have agreed with you.
    IF someones weight is getting to a life threating point or they are becoming unattractive to their spouse for a substantial amount of weight gained, that has never been there before...it should be discussed with the spouses feelings in mind.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    I think strangers should keep their mouths shut unless asked, but loved ones can show concern when the issue is self inflicted and there is cause

    I can agree there. The problem with many comments about health is they don't come from a concern, but from judgement (which ironically they call 'keeping i real').
  • lsorci919
    lsorci919 Posts: 772 Member
    My sister and I have always been opposite. We are the same height but I have always struggled with my weight and she has always been tiny. Full term pregnancy she weighed 113. I have always felt for her though. No one ever dare tell me I needed to lose weight but no one had a problem telling her she was too skinny. She went to see a nutritionist and the woman had the audacity to tell her she was lying about her food intake and secretly had an eating disorder. My sister is far from an eating disorder. She is just naturally thin and there is nothing wrong with that. I will agree that I would rather hear "omg you are skinny! eat something" then "you don't need to eat anymore, you are big enough" But unless it's actually hurting their health I think saying something about someones weight, whether they are big or small, is just bad form. When it is affecting their health, there are appropriate ways of suggesting a change in health. I have a friend that is very over weight but instead of making comments about her weight, I invite her to go walking with me.
  • Mr_Excitement
    Mr_Excitement Posts: 833 Member
    I think it's because people tend to make two different types of assumptions about severely underweight/ overweight people.

    They assume the underweight person has an intense focus on their personal appearance, but has an inaccurate view of themselves. And they assume the overweight person is aware of their appearance, but unable to do anything about it, or unconcerned about it.
  • ZombieGeezUs
    ZombieGeezUs Posts: 476
    I sometimes receive negative comments about my frame, but then I noticed something: they all came from overweight people. Now when I hear "You are so thin, you need to eat more" I translate it to "You are making me insecure, so I have to insult you to make me feel better about my crappy life choices."

    I also point out that I would eat more, but they looked like the consumed all of the food. That shuts them up.

    I don't go out of my way to point out other people's weight issues though. That is just rude.

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