Negative Nancies

asianmonkie

I NEED to vent. All of my friends are so negative and it's so discouraging. I have distanced myself from them because they're just bringing me down and it makes me less motivated to work out and eat right. I have one group of friends who are telling me I'm obsessive. Another group of friends ask me about my diet and follow it up with their complaints about their weight and their poor diets.

For the first group, I explain to them that it's not a diet but a lifestyle change. They said, "It's like that's all you think about." Of course it's all that I think about. It's my LIFE that I'm changing here! Why are they so "offended" that I am trying to make myself a better person? What's their problem?!

The second group of people just whine and complain about how fat they are and how bad their diet is. Then they proceed to make excuses for their pathetic choices. It's not like I haven't tried helping these people. I have bought them weights and work out videos, and even offered to take care of their kids so they could exercise. I've even given them some of my recipes. They always come up with a sorry-a** excuse. Don't ask me about my progress and follow it up with your self pity. I'm not your therapist.

I have been dealing with this pretty well for most the first couple of months but it came up again today and I blew my lid. There's only so much one can take. I am done with these people! If they're not happy for me, they can shove it!

How do you deal with these people? Should I ignore them and come back to them later? Should I just not be friends with them anymore just because of this?

janicebinva

Do you not have *any* friends who are supportive and encouraging? That would indeed be hard, if the first group is trying to sabotage you and the second just wants to complain.

Perhaps if you dialed down the amount that you talk about it with your friends? Unless someone asks you about it, don't mention it -- talk about something else. When they ask you, don't go into detail -- just say, "It's fine; it's a work in progress". If you're eating with them, make your choices but don't make a fuss about it. When someone else criticizes your food choices, just smile and say you'd like to talk about something else. If they don't get the hint, you may have to tell them directly that your food choices are just that, your choices, and not something you want to spend time discussing.

For support, you can always come here, or just remember that you're losing weight.

madhamey

I did obssess about it to start with, because I wanted to be sucessful, but now I am 4 stones lighter and loving my life and the ones that are still around don't now say anything.

This is a mile away from sat in crying and myself whining. And now I don't obssess because I know what works and what I I will gain if I have a blow out.

Don't be discouraged by any of them if losing weight is important to you. I am sorry to say but some of your friend/colleagues will show their true colours and you may face a future without some of them through no fault of your own.

Best of luck.

Pinkranger626

It's not that uncommon to experience this. I have certain friends that fitness and exercise are on the do not discuss list. I found that those friends are still important to me in other aspects of my life and we can get along fine as long as we avoid that topic, I've had other friends that I've ended the friendship due to finding that there were many other things that I did not see eye to eye with. You learn and you grow. All you can do is invite them to join you in your journey, they won't until they;re ready to make a change.

As for friends in general, maybe try joining a local running club, or a new workout class/studio, I tend to find that I befriend people that are more like minded and so eventually it doesn't even present as a problem anymore

seltzermint555

I'd just stay friends with them if they bring anything else to your life, but steer AWAY from the diet and weight loss topics.

This is basically what I do.

I was always the fattest friend. Now the second fattest friend is super threatened and upset by my weight loss because she has gone in the opposite direction at the same time. Being around her makes me nervous now because she constantly calls the rest of us "skinny minis" and other annoying terms, and makes self-degrading comments that upset me...I have told her not to talk about herself like that, but she still does it and I really worry about her. However, her attempts at weight loss are things like Body by Vi which has (for HER not speaking of others) always ended badly with gaining more in the long run.

My best friend has lost weight and become healthier, although she was not obese like me to start with, she unexpectedly found out she had diabetes. So in some ways her diet plans are way different than mine, because I do not have diabetes (and have never been considered pre-diabetic despite my high weight). However she takes it to a whole other level and gets very conspiracy theorist about food. Almost every time we hang out she has a new obsession with some food or vitamin being either a miracle or pure evil. I try to just say "wow" and then move on to one of 100 other topics we can share happily.

As for buying your friends weights and offering so much assistance...I would stop that. It's nice and all, but maybe that is not what they need or want. I think that would kind of put me in a grumpy mood toward them and cause me to expect them to follow through...but I think everyone has to change their diet and exercise habits at their own pace.

Good luck!!

Lizzy622

Just wait soon you'll be getting the ones who tell you that you have lost too much and are getting too skinny. I just try to keep weight loss out of the conversation with certain people. They don't understand and I would rather spend my energy working out rather than explaining it to them.

madhamey

I was always the fattest friend. Now the second fattest friend is super threatened and upset by my weight loss because she has gone in the opposite direction at the same time.

I have this problem, but believe we won't be friends much longer because she can't handle being the fat friend now.

Vex3521

I think we've got some of the same friends here I don't care what they think.... and will gladly offer my "fat" clothes to whoever wants to rehome them. I'm doing it for me and I'm happy and they can kiss my grits! Glad I'm writing this now still on an endorphin high from working out lol my legs are screaming at me but the rest of me is still smiling Forgot how great this felt!!

seltzermint555

I was always the fattest friend. Now the second fattest friend is super threatened and upset by my weight loss because she has gone in the opposite direction at the same time.

I have this problem, but believe we won't be friends much longer because she can't handle being the fat friend now.

I know exactly what you mean. I suspect my friend cancels plans with the rest of us for this very reason.

Over the summer I made the major mistake of offering her some of my capris and jeans that were too big. I told her "I think we're about the same size but kind of different builds so I don't know if any of them might work for you" and she took it as a personal offense. I never even said the pants were too big, either. I just said they fit me weird. I learned my lesson never to do that again :-(

cmira5ol

Keep the positive and ditch the negative...........you can add me for positive

mreeves261

It will be easiest to deal with your friends by remembering these 2 facts. Group A is is perceived as negative by their actions when in fact they are simply amazed by your dedication. Group B all wish they had your dedication without actually having to work for it.

You are doing this for you! None of your friends actually want to see you fail. How many of those friends have watched you try to lose weight/get healthy before? And how many of those friends have given you compliments. If the answer is none then are they really friends?

Some of my least supportive friends ended up being the proudest of me when I reached a goal.

Poofy_Goodness

Group A is is perceived as negative by their actions when in fact they are simply amazed by your dedication.

Group B all wish they had your dedication without actually having to work for it.

Agree.

So just limit the fitness/health talk with group A and when group B starts complaining about their issues, encourage them to join you.

asianmonkie

Thank you for everyone's helpful advices! This means a lot to me knowing that other people can relate.

I try not to talk about my diet because I really hate drawing attention to myself but it always comes up when they wonder about my weight loss or why I'm eating a fruit salad at a pizza party. The only reason I try to help them is because they are always complain about not being able to work out because they don't have the equipment or the time or blah blah blah. I took that as a hint that they needed these things. Guess I assumed too much.

I will take your advices and live another day... for me.

SueInAz

One thing to remember is that you can't make anyone else want to get fit/healthy/lose weight/etc. It's something that is personal for each and every one of us and pushing things like weights, fitness tapes and recipes on people usually just leads to resentment and bad feelings. Most of what your friends are feeling is jealousy. You are making the commitment to change and, while they wish they were, too, they haven't reached that point yet (if they ever do).

My best advice is to not talk about your lifestyle at all with these friends. If they bring it up, gloss over it ("I'm making progress, some days are better than others") or let them know that it's not a subject you're willing to discuss since it seems to cause strife. Either you'll find other things to talk about, and remain friends, or you'll need to move on. If you find you really need new friends, join a club or group with similar goals (a running or hiking club, a recreational sports team, etc.) You'll find much more in common with people whose goals and lifestyles are similiar to yours.

sassyjae21

I was always the fattest friend. Now the second fattest friend is super threatened and upset by my weight loss because she has gone in the opposite direction at the same time.

I have this problem, but believe we won't be friends much longer because she can't handle being the fat friend now.

I know exactly what you mean. I suspect my friend cancels plans with the rest of us for this very reason.

Over the summer I made the major mistake of offering her some of my capris and jeans that were too big. I told her "I think we're about the same size but kind of different builds so I don't know if any of them might work for you" and she took it as a personal offense. I never even said the pants were too big, either. I just said they fit me weird. I learned my lesson never to do that again :-(

You look amazing!!!

OP, I know how you feel. But most people think i'm stupid for wanting to lose weight just because I am not seriously overweight. My overwieght friends get annoyed with me because I am careful about what I eat and I can practically feel them rolling their eyes. And on top of that, if one of them fixes somethng terrible for me, heaven forbid I ask what's in it. "What's it matter??? Just eat it??" One of my friends did that to me this morning. I asked what ONE question about what she made (i found the recipe and I was trying to determine how many calories I consumed according to how many she made) and she wouldn't tell me! literally withheld information for me. I'm like really? just because you are wreckless doesn't mean I want to be. It's not like I wasn't going to eat them anyway (I did) I just wanted to know how much damage I was actually doing. I hate it when people aren't supportive.

Just stay strong. If they are bringing more negativity than anything else, either have a talk with them, or lessen your time spent eating with them.

mreeves261

I took that as a hint that they needed these things. Guess I assumed too much.

Yes they "need" these things, they just don't want them. If that makes sense. When they get serious they will shed the excuses as to why they can't. and just start doing. For some people that never happens.

MysteriousMerlin

Group A is is perceived as negative by their actions when in fact they are simply amazed by your dedication.

Group B all wish they had your dedication without actually having to work for it.

Agree.

So just limit the fitness/health talk with group A and when group B starts complaining about their issues, encourage them to join you.

This, and when they start making excuses as to why they can't, tell them "Then I don't want to hear about it. Do something about it if it bothers you so much. I'll be here to help when you decide it's time."

asianmonkie

Just stay strong. If they are bringing more negativity than anything else, either have a talk with them, or lessen your time spent eating with them.

Funny how you mention that. It made me realize that every time I go out with them we are going out to eat. I'll start thinking of more productive things to do with them instead and maybe the "diet" topic won't come up as often. Why didn't I think of that?

sassyjae21

Just stay strong. If they are bringing more negativity than anything else, either have a talk with them, or lessen your time spent eating with them.

Funny how you mention that. It made me realize that every time I go out with them we are going out to eat. I'll start thinking of more productive things to do with them instead and maybe the "diet" topic won't come up as often. Why didn't I think of that?

That seems like the most logical thing to do. I would just stop eating with them!! I know how difficult that can be though, since going out to eat is such a social event. But go out for drinks or a concert or movies or something instead :P

mmm_drop

I keep my diet and exercise to myself IRL and only talk about it to MFP friends. Yes, my friends know I work out and *mostly* eat healthy, but I don't really discuss it with anyone as it isn't who I am, just something I am doing to be healthier. Plus, I have found that my friends here are just as obsessive about working out and eating food as I am, so we relate better when talking all things to do with diet and exercise.

fruttibiscotti

Sounds like you need to go on a " friend diet", shed the pounds and the saboteurs.

Just like people who come out of jail or drug rehab, they need to distance themselves from the old crowd, who will give them more than enough reasons to relapse.

Gazillions of people on this planet, why hang out with those who don't care for you?