Flatmate problems - HELP?

mortuseon

Just a bit of background information: I moved in with two other girls of my own age (that I didn't know at the time but met on a flatshare website), both students, for uni in September. We live together in a *small* flat in London. My room is right next to hers.

Tonight, one of my flatmates brought someone back with her (this was the second date). He was 10 years older than herself and here for 'drinks'...of course, he ended up staying over. This has happened before with another near-stranger (who was 44 and unknown to me) and they were...loud, but I didn't say anything because I was too embarrassed and my other flatmate was not there to back me up. Today, my other flatmate was here and I realised that a trend is developing, so she discreetly asked the offending flatmate if she would at least get rid of her cohabitor rather than having him stay over. She reluctantly agreed but...it just didn't happen.

I hope that I'm not coming across as prude (I would be fine with a long-term boyfriend staying over, which happens with my other flatmate), it's just the fact that the man is a total stranger and that he is so much older makes me really uncomfortable, especially when he's around until morning. It's not exactly responsible behaviour on her part either, but that's her business. However, I don't know how to address the issue - don't want this to happen yet again, but the last couple of times I addressed my flatmate over something much less significant, she 1) just walked out of the room when I was talking to her or 2) got incredibly upset.

How do I get her to stop?!?!?!

wheird

For the loud issue: Get earplugs.

For her having guys over, there isn't much you can rightly do about it. Sorry.

mortuseon

I'm a lot less fussed about the noise/her having guys over (I can turn music up) than I am about having strangers between the ages of 30 and 45 in my house all the time which I find quite uncomfortable (we're all 18). Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

PikaKnight

If you are that uncomfortable, than you could look at moving out.

dayone987

I would make plans to move. It's unlikely that your flatmate is going to change this behaviour for your sake. If you didn't make ground rules before you all moved in, IMO it's too late now. And although I totally get why it makes you uncomfortable, it would be hard to say why one flatmate gets to have a male friend sleep over and the other doesn't.

Your feeling are reasonable but asking her to change for you is not. It doesn't sound like you are losing a friendship over this so I would move and not have the drama.

Bucky83

I would actually recommend moving out if you're worried about your safety.

What she does is her own business. As long as she knows the risks of what she's getting into, it's not your problem, technically.

If she was a close friend of yours and you were worried for her own safety, that'd be different.

wheird

I would make plans to move. It's unlikely that your flatmate is going to change this behaviour for your sake. If you didn't make ground rules before you all moved in, IMO it's too late now. And although I totally get why it makes you uncomfortable, it would be hard to say why one flatmate gets to have a male friend sleep over and the other doesn't.

Your feeling are reasonable but asking her to change for you is not. It doesn't sound like you are losing a friendship over this so I would move and not have the drama.

I agree. Both parties have valid stances, so the only reasonable course of action is to move out.

mortuseon

Sadly the tenancy agreement has no breaker clause, so I'm stuck until June. Completely understand where you're coming from, though - I don't want to impose some draconic rules but if she'd just be a bit more considerate...even if the guys were our own age? Or if they weren't strangers?

I do care about her as we've become quite close quite quickly by living together. I don't really thing having frequent one night stands with random older guys is good for her - but all my (or our, when you include the other flatmate) advice just seems to go ignored. She appears to pay attention and agree, but then does something completely opposite.

wheird

Sadly the tenancy agreement has no breaker clause, so I'm stuck until June. Completely understand where you're coming from, though - I don't want to impose some draconic rules but if she'd just be a bit more considerate...even if the guys were our own age? Or if they weren't strangers?

I do care about her - I don't really thing having frequent one night stands with random older guys is good for her - but all my (or our, when you include the other flatmate) advice just seems to go ignored. She appears to pay attention and agree, but then does something completely opposite.

This would not make anything more safe for you.

MuscleAndMascara

Bang some one and be louder ...

Sabine_Stroehm

I had this exact situation (about 25 years ago). In the end, I decided that she wasn't going to change and that I had no right to ask her to change. I decided that *I* was uncomfortable with a string of random strangers sleeping one wall away (with all my valuables and belongings placed throughout the house). So I moved. I took the third roommate with me, and we made great roommates. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

mortuseon

Sadly the tenancy agreement has no breaker clause, so I'm stuck until June. Completely understand where you're coming from, though - I don't want to impose some draconic rules but if she'd just be a bit more considerate...even if the guys were our own age? Or if they weren't strangers?

I do care about her - I don't really thing having frequent one night stands with random older guys is good for her - but all my (or our, when you include the other flatmate) advice just seems to go ignored. She appears to pay attention and agree, but then does something completely opposite.

This would not make anything more safe for you.

True - sorry, was thinking more along the lines of 'not met through a dating app and brought back after one night together, but met through friends' which I think wouldn't be so bad.

However, I understand what all of you are saying, and on reflection I suppose there is no 'fair' way of asking her not to bring people back (even when they are strangers old enough to be her father). Rather hoping that my other flatmate will say something in my stead, though. Thanks anyway

dayone987

Sadly the tenancy agreement has no breaker clause, so I'm stuck until June. Completely understand where you're coming from, though - I don't want to impose some draconic rules but if she'd just be a bit more considerate...even if the guys were our own age? Or if they weren't strangers?

I do care about her as we've become quite close quite quickly by living together. I don't really thing having frequent one night stands with random older guys is good for her - but all my (or our, when you include the other flatmate) advice just seems to go ignored. She appears to pay attention and agree, but then does something completely opposite.

Honestly, I can't see her changing. Although I can see why you feel uncomfortable with men in their 30's and 40's in your home, I don't think that's a restriction you can impose. If you don't feel safe get a lock for your bedroom if you don't have one already.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I agree that it's not your place to say anything. Everyone is an adult and sometimes adults want to have sex.

likitisplit

Bringing strangers home and having them spend the night? I think you need to clarify that position with your roommates. A lot of people I know would feel uncomfortable in that situation. You are each responsible for the behavior of your guests and how can she ensure that when she doesn't know these men.

However, be sure not to judge her choices. You are not comfortable with strangers staying over night. If anybody wants to have a guest stay , you need to clear it with your roommates. And this would be the same if your sister was sleeping over, etc.

jimmmer

Just break up.

ironanimal

Get a really ****ing big stereo.

Put the bass speaker right against the wall to her room.

Play music really, really loud whenever they start doing it.

rml_16

I think the way to approach it is that you're concerned about these random men possibly stealing from the apartment or something to that effect. Make it about safety not morality.

luckylindaxxx

I don't think you should downgrade your worries or think it is just you and apologise for how you feel because how you feel is right.

What she is doing is unacceptable and a risk to you all, particularly to you when the third flat mate is not there. Her stranger could easily turn attentions to you.

I was in this situation as a student and it was scary . Luckily a number of us were sharing and we were able to vent how we all felt. However, initially before we had time to work out what to do, we just left the flat while she had these strangers who felt really threatening.

Talk to the third flatmate , find out how she feels about it. Find out where you stand from citizen's advice. Are you a studet and does uni have a letting agency or somewhere to get advice ?

Hellbent_Heidi

If your third flatmate has the same concerns, maybe the two of you can sit her down and tell her how uncomfortable their presence makes you, and that she needs to either a) go home with these guys instead of bringing them into your home, or b) she should consider moving out if she's going to insist on letting them stay over.

I can understand the discomfort of a stranger in your home with that much of an age difference.... Good luck!

TavistockToad

you say you wouldnt mind if they were guys your age, so it seems like its an issue you have with your friend sleeping with older men rather than anything else.