Flatmate problems - HELP?

Myhaloslipped

I don't think the sex is her issue. It's the fact that random strangers are constantly in her house. The two of you should try talking to her together. I don't know the specifics of your lease agreement, but you probably can't stop her from engaging in these activities. That being said, I would also have a problem with strangers sleeping over on a regular basis.

MerinneW

I think you should be honest with your flatmate - tell her how you feel! But accept the fact it is a problem for you, not for her - you obviously disapprove of her lifestyle choices (sleeping with older men on short acquaintance), and whilst it is perfectly reasonable for you not to live that way yourself, it is not at ALL your right to judge her for that - as long as everyone involved are consenting adults, there is really no problem with that.

Things you can legitimately raise with her and ask her to refrain from:

1) Bringing people home without giving you advanced warning (although be aware this rule, if accepted, will then also apply to you, up to and including having your mum round for tea - make sure this is important enough to you that you are willing to accept the inconvenience).
2) Making excessive noise at unsociable hours (as above, this will also apply to you). Bear in mind this is a noise issue, not a sex issue - there is nothing inherently dirty or offensive about sex noises. Would you mind as much if she was playing the trumpet at the same volume at the same hours? If so, complain away, in the same style.

Things you cannot reasonably ask her to stop doing:

1) Having casual sex with men you don't know/approve of
2) Preferring older men to boys her own age
3) Having a sex life that you feel implies 'loose morals' or 'irresponsibility'; her sex life is her own affair, not yours.

You are in a stronger position if your other housemate also has a problem with it - you can all get together for a house dinner and then broach it with her collectively - if she is a nice person, I'm sure she'll take on board what you say. And as a last resort, even if your tenancy doesn't have a break clause, you could look into the possibility of you finding someone else to take over your portion of the rent so you can move somewhere more suited to your mores.

mortuseon

Thank you, everyone! An update on what happened: I spoke to my other flatmate about this, who was also quite perturbed. I hadn't made any plans to say anything as per what I posted last night, but when I met them both this morning, I received an apology from the girl who had someone over (other flatmate had obviously made a fuss about it when I wasn't there). I did make sure to tell her that my problem was more the fact they are older + strangers than the fact she has a sex life, as the latter doesn't really bother me a great deal. So now we're clear! I hope, at least.
If it goes any further, I will probably follow some of the other suggestions e.g. always agreeing before having people over (myself and the other flatmate do this anyway as we're in long-distance relationships so we have time to plan ahead; hopefully it's not too much to ask for a couple of days of notice so I can at least make myself scarce). She's having someone over for dinner in the near future - I've been warned, yes! - so may update this thread if all goes tits up....

(btw: when I say I'm more comfortable with guys our age coming over, it's mostly because if they are our own age, it's likely that they'll be met through friends so they're not quite as estranged. These men are met through a dating app which makes me a bit more uncertain of their intentions although I'm not sure if that's just me).

mortuseon

(also: re her lifestyle choices, that really is her business. However, I do think she'd be happier trying to find a longer-term partner as she has complained previously about being in horrible situations with guys who mess her around, being a 'booty call', wanting a boyfriend, etc...however, she doesn't seem to take any of our advice to heart. Nonetheless, this is her issue to work out and I'm just glad that the older-strangers-in-the-house business has been sorted, at least for now. Thank you for your responses!)

rml_16

(btw: when I say I'm more comfortable with guys our age coming over, it's mostly because if they are our own age, it's likely that they'll be met through friends so they're not quite as estranged. These men are met through a dating app which makes me a bit more uncertain of their intentions although I'm not sure if that's just me).

I have dated much older men who I met in "old-fashioned" ways and I have a friend whose husband is 30 years older than she is.

Plenty of men your age use dating apps, too, and have not good intentions. I don't think age is really the issue here. Young men can be as dangerous as older men and older men can be perfectly fine. The issue is her bringing strangers home, regardless of age.

likitisplit

(also: re her lifestyle choices, that really is her business. However, I do think she'd be happier trying to find a longer-term partner as she has complained previously about being in horrible situations with guys who mess her around, being a 'booty call', wanting a boyfriend, etc...however, she doesn't seem to take any of our advice to heart. Nonetheless, this is her issue to work out and I'm just glad that the older-strangers-in-the-house business has been sorted, at least for now. Thank you for your responses!)

We've all had friends who make a serious of dubious choices while openly stating that they want a situation that is not in line with their choices. That's something that you need to tune out.

I'm glad you have the situation resolved. I was thinking - my husband wouldn't like it if I had a friend stay overnight unannounced, even if he knew the person. There are some common courtesies here.

So_Much_Fab

Personally, I would be creeped out by a 44 year old dude that's staying overnight with an 18 year old and her two 18 year old roommates. Even though age =/= danger factor, that's just weird.

MM_1982

I'm assuming the app was Tinder?

BRB downloading Tinder.

mortuseon

I'm assuming the app was Tinder?

BRB downloading Tinder.

haha, yep!

MM_1982

Something strangely erotic about woman in her late teens using Tinder to sleep with a guy in his mid 40's. Hot.

luckylindaxxx

Its odd that these men are not following up their visits. Have you considered that she might be on the game?

fulleroaks

Its odd that these men are not following up their visits. Have you considered that she might be on the game?

Ha! That was my first thought!

BeachIron

Personally, I would be creeped out by a 44 year old dude that's staying overnight with an 18 year old and her two 18 year old roommates. Even though age =/= danger factor, that's just weird.

Sounds like fun to me.