How do you make people understand?

ThriceBlessed

Just wondering what you do/say to make people understand what you are trying to do and what it takes to achieve it.

I had a discussion with my husband back in October about how this Holiday season I was going to be sticking to plan as much as possible. That I wouldn't be going to Wednesday night potlucks at our church, that I wouldn't be wanting to go out to eat, or go to Christmas parties. HOw I would be trying to only make exceptions for the actual Holidays, not all the days surrounding each Holiday.

He seemed to understand at first... but now it seems he forgot. He is suddenly in this "we don't spend enough time together" mode. He wants to take me out on dates, which always seem to include food. He booked a three day get-a-way for us December 16-18... where our only choice will be to eat at the Hotel restaurant or nearby establishments. I can accept the trip and just deal with it the best I can, though it is frustrating because I have some "end of the year" goals that it will make harder to reach. But last night he told me he wants to go out with me tonight. To go listen to some classical guitarist at a concert and dessert event.. Really? DESSERT?

I am trying to not be mean. I do want to spend time with him... but this is getting ridiculous. We just got past Thanksgiving. I am trying to make him understand that with so many special occasions that I can't avoid this time of year, I don't need him adding extra ones. I was hoping to drop a few extra pounds between Thanksgiving and our trip, to help make up for the unavoidable gain that will follow the trip, and then lose a few more between the trip and Christmas... but how am I supposed to do that if he keeps this up?

To top it off, between now and the trip is my birthday, my son's birthday (both the same day actually, but my son will have a party on another day as well), and my nephew's birthday. I still have most of my Christmas shopping to do, and could actually use this evening more productively either shopping or putting up our tree. But no... I get to go to an event where the only food option is DESSERT!

I don't really know what to say to him. I don't want to be a scrooge and take the fun out of Christmas. I don't want to make it sound like I don't enjoy dates. I am just trying to reach a goal right now. I want to get this weight off. I wouldn't mind going to the movies, or for a walk, or sending the kids to a babysitter while we stayed home, ate healthy food, and spent some time dancing.

I know I'll go tonight, but I am trying to figure out how to make him understand that for the rest of the season, I don't want more challenges than we already have planned. I want him to understand that if I could just get his cooperation for a time, I would reach my goal weight and have more "wiggle room" for events like this once I'm on maintenance.

grrrr... I know his heart is in the right place but he is making things so much harder for me!

Phoenix_Warrior

Why does dieting have to be that miserable? Surely you could squeeze a dessert in without derailing your entire diet? Sure, if you have an issue with portion control I could maybe see your point but I'm not quite understanding why you cant have fun and indulge?

_jayciemarie_

I know how you feel. I started in August. At that time my boyfriend was on board. He was strict with calories. He logged everything. He exercised. Then October came and he just quit. He lost 20lbs as did I. Then he stopped working out and started eating anything and everything. He would suggest going out to eat. When I wanted to work out he would suggest we do something else. It was so much fun and sustainable when he was on board. It was an every day struggle when he gave up. I mean, how is it fair to have dinnerwith someone and see them pig out and after dinner they eat cookies/candy/etc. It is hard to deal with. Now that we aaren't together I'm getting back on track. The only thing I can suggest is don't give in to peer pressure. Do what is best for you. Hopefully he will finally get the picture that you are serious. Use this site and the people on it for support on days you aren't gettinf it from him. We will always be on your side!

kristen49233

I have to agree with Phoenix...this is supposed to be a way of life. Denying yourself is not good either...and for me personally when I would deny myself something I usually ended up caving / binging later.

Plan for your outtings...eat lighter during the remainder of the day or workout to gain some extra calorie allowance.

Your husband may end up resenting the fact that not only are you trying to make changes to your lifestyle, but you're also essentially changing his too.

BTW...Congrats on losing 47 pounds so far!! For me...I'm happy with just maintaining thru Christmas! That sure beats the usual holiday gain!!

samanthahix12

I understand completely but like Kristen said, this is life! You can't go through it saying no, no, no.

Just make room for these events and plan ahead. You'll make it! Even if your goal takes a little longer, you'll get there.

ThriceBlessed

Why does dieting have to be that miserable? Surely you could squeeze a dessert in without derailing your entire diet? Sure, if you have an issue with portion control I could maybe see your point but I'm not quite understanding why you cant have fun and indulge?

Its not "a dessert", its one even after another after another after another. That is my point. Thanksgiving results in a two pound gain, I get it off, then hubby immediately wants to take me out for dinner. That doesn't result in a gain, but prevents a loss... I work that out and then hubby doesn't understand why I don't go to a woman's event at my church where there is a ton of dessert food, the very next day, he wants to take me out to a dessert event... two days after that he will most likely be trying to talk me into eating some of my son's and my birthday cake, two days later he will try to talk me into going to wednesday night potluck with him, a couple of days after that he will want to go out to dinner again... it is never ending. And while an occasional date or dinner out doesn't hurt, doing so every week, in addition to all the holiday stuff... is resulting in a NET LOSS of zero for November and December.

mundaetraversa

Is portion-control or self-control challenging for you? That can make the holidays especially hard, especially with all the events you're talking about. The reality is that most date options do include food when the weather is cooler, which is tough. Can you eat dinner at home prior to your date and then share a dessert? Think of it as an opportunity to grow and develop new skills. And hey, if your partner is fighting to spend more time with you and take you out more often - celebrate that! You must be a kind and fun person, and he recognizes that. You could also try planning a date or two for him that don't include food. Maybe go ice skating, cold-weather hiking, or to an art class. Good luck sister. I know it's hard to help others see how hard this can be.

ThriceBlessed

I have to agree with Phoenix...this is supposed to be a way of life. Denying yourself is not good either...and for me personally when I would deny myself something I usually ended up caving / binging later.

Plan for your outtings...eat lighter during the remainder of the day or workout to gain some extra calorie allowance.

Your husband may end up resenting the fact that not only are you trying to make changes to your lifestyle, but you're also essentially changing his too.

BTW...Congrats on losing 47 pounds so far!! For me...I'm happy with just maintaining thru Christmas! That sure beats the usual holiday gain!!

I can't plan enough for outings when they occur three or four times a week. And when I am only told about many of them one day in advance.

I understand it is a lifestyle change, and I do make exceptions at times, but there are limits to how many exceptions/indulgences one can have. If every other day is an exception/indulgence than I am really not staying on plan at all.

Most frustrating thing is that before I started this, he was content to just never go out. Now that I don't want its vital to him that we go out all the time.

ThriceBlessed

I understand completely but like Kristen said, this is life! You can't go through it saying no, no, no.

Just make room for these events and plan ahead. You'll make it! Even if your goal takes a little longer, you'll get there.

Planning ahead for three or four times a week eating at places that don't serve anything that fits on my plan?

Phoenix_Warrior

I understand completely but like Kristen said, this is life! You can't go through it saying no, no, no.

Just make room for these events and plan ahead. You'll make it! Even if your goal takes a little longer, you'll get there.

Planning ahead for three or four times a week eating at places that don't serve anything that fits on my plan?

What kind of plan? Perhaps it's too strict? I eat mcdonalds, pizza, ice cream..

ThriceBlessed

Is portion-control or self-control challenging for you? That can make the holidays especially hard, especially with all the events you're talking about. The reality is that most date options do include food when the weather is cooler, which is tough. Can you eat dinner at home prior to your date and then share a dessert? Think of it as an opportunity to grow and develop new skills. And hey, if your partner is fighting to spend more time with you and take you out more often - celebrate that! You must be a kind and fun person, and he recognizes that. You could also try planning a date or two for him that don't include food. Maybe go ice skating, cold-weather hiking, or to an art class. Good luck sister. I know it's hard to help others see how hard this can be.

Yeah, I get the whole portion control thing. I do practice it... but some foods are still awfully high in calories, and having a small portion of those means I can't eat enough to not feel hungry. To make it worse, my blood sugar will be effected and it will take several days for it to level off and stop sending me into shaking fits where I must eat immediately.

I do think that perhaps tonight I'll eat dinner at home first and just order coffee or tea while out. I just wish my husband would cooperate a little. Especially when I am fine with the "bigger" events like the trip, but specifically say to him that because of that event, it is even more important for me to be on track all the surrounding days. Then he immediately plans something else for the surrounding days.

ShannonKelliG

I understand completely but like Kristen said, this is life! You can't go through it saying no, no, no.

Just make room for these events and plan ahead. You'll make it! Even if your goal takes a little longer, you'll get there.

Planning ahead for three or four times a week eating at places that don't serve anything that fits on my plan?

What kind of plan do you have that you can't find anything to eat? Even McDonalds have salads. I think it sounds fantastic that your husband wants to take you out so much! Eat smaller portions, make smart choices, drink water instead of pop, instead of ordering dessert drink a coffee or tea, and maybe, just maybe, let loose a little and enjoy this time of year with your husband.

nomeejerome

Why make things so complicated for yourself? Enjoy the time with your husband, family and friends at life events. Cherish the moments.

elyelyse

I understand your frustration, but think of the other side of this...you are asking him to completely change his lifestyle, one you've probably both been living for years. You can go out to dinner...select low calorie dishes, don't eat the whole thing and make the night be about the company, not the food. At events where lots of food is served; go for the social and community aspects and learn to control yourself, maybe not always sucessfully, but this is life. You can ask for his help and support of course, but asking him to change the lifestyle he's used to is a big deal for him, and may be a challenge if his goals differ from yours.

If you want to have that quality time with him, but his idea of a date or quality time has always been to take you out to eat, maybe you need to come up with alternative ways to spend that time? What do you like to do together...movies, going for walks, playing board games at a cafe, hitting the batting cages...I don't know what you enjoy, but there's lots to do besides going out to dinner. If you have an alternative plan when he suggests dinner, that will come across a lot better than just "don't you understand I can't keep doing all this stuff that revolves around food?" Provide an alternative.

ThriceBlessed

I understand completely but like Kristen said, this is life! You can't go through it saying no, no, no.

Just make room for these events and plan ahead. You'll make it! Even if your goal takes a little longer, you'll get there.

Planning ahead for three or four times a week eating at places that don't serve anything that fits on my plan?

What kind of plan? Perhaps it's too strict? I eat mcdonalds, pizza, ice cream..

I am almost 45 years old and have 100 pounds to take off. Mc Donalds is just disgusting to me anyway, ice cream I can eat almost daily if I measure it and plan, pizza is something I eat on occasion, but something in it triggers my migraines so I don't eat it often.

Anyway, at my age, eating 1600 calories a day and exercising 90 minutes a day, trying to get a minimum of 100 grams of protein every day results in a loss of 1-2 pounds a week, which is what I am aiming for. And if I am told in advance of special events I can plan for them by reducing my calories on surrounding days to 1200-1300 so that I still average out about the same 1600 a day for the week.

My point isn't that one date or special occasion is a problem, its that my husband wants to turn it into a several-times-a-week thing, which basically means I am not "on plan" at all if I do what he wants.

ThriceBlessed

I understand your frustration, but think of the other side of this...you are asking him to completely change his lifestyle, one you've probably both been living for years. You can go out to dinner...select low calorie dishes, don't eat the whole thing and make the night be about the company, not the food. At events where lots of food is served; go for the social and community aspects and learn to control yourself, maybe not always sucessfully, but this is life. You can ask for his help and support of course, but asking him to change the lifestyle he's used to is a big deal for him, and may be a challenge if his goals differ from yours.

If you want to have that quality time with him, but his idea of a date or quality time has always been to take you out to eat, maybe you need to come up with alternative ways to spend that time? What do you like to do together...movies, going for walks, playing board games at a cafe, hitting the batting cages...I don't know what you enjoy, but there's lots to do besides going out to dinner. If you have an alternative plan when he suggests dinner, that will come across a lot better than just "don't you understand I can't keep doing all this stuff that revolves around food?" Provide an alternative.

I have suggested alternatives, and I haven't asked him to change a thing. Up until about 2 months ago he was content to never go out. He is changing things... and at the worst possible time for me.

PennyM140

I wish my husband would plan a three day trip for me. Or a date. Or anything for that matter.
I'm sorry, but I can't give any sympathy. You should be trying to incorporate you goals into your life, not making your life and everyone in it revolve around your goals.

Mokey41

You don't have to plan ahead, you don't have to hide at home, you don't have to make this miserable for yourself and everyone else. Thanksgiving resulted in a 2 lb gain because you ate too much. That was your issue, not the holiday, not the people you were with or the food that was there.

This isn't a time where you hide at home and live on lettuce leaves to lose the weight then suddenly you'll reappear in the world slimmer and ready to tuck into the buffet again. If you want to be a thinner person then this is how you will have to live the rest of your life. If you keep going the way you are that might be possible because you may end up alone and you can do whatever you want then.

Teach yourself portion control. Make better food choices. Fill up with veggies and leave the fats and starches. If you're at a potluck check the table first and make your decisions. You know you'll be able to eat the dish you brought because you made sure it was something you could eat that was low calorie, right? Most restaurants will oblige with a double serving of veggies instead of potatoes or rice.

ThriceBlessed

I understand completely but like Kristen said, this is life! You can't go through it saying no, no, no.

Just make room for these events and plan ahead. You'll make it! Even if your goal takes a little longer, you'll get there.

Planning ahead for three or four times a week eating at places that don't serve anything that fits on my plan?

What kind of plan do you have that you can't find anything to eat? Even McDonalds have salads. I think it sounds fantastic that your husband wants to take you out so much! Eat smaller portions, make smart choices, drink water instead of pop, instead of ordering dessert drink a coffee or tea, and maybe, just maybe, let loose a little and enjoy this time of year with your husband.

Ironically, although I don't like eating there, McDonalds is an easier place to find a healthy option than many other restaurants. Because they do have a pretty good salad option. A lot of places on serve high carb/high fat options.

I find it funny everyone assumes I am on a super restrictive plan, actually, my plan allows for some wiggle room... but eating at places where you unsure of the calorie content of the food, and where healthy choices are few and far between makes things much more difficult. Might it still be possible to lose weight? maybe.

But if I was building a house and someone was constantly hiding my tools I'd find it frustrating... if I also had to cut all my own lumber first it might still be possible, but everyone would understand my frustration... Well, cooking for myself at home is my best tool in this project... and having unbreaded/unfried options is like my lumber supply. But somehow I am unreasonable to get frustrated when my tools are taken away and my lumber is burned.

MagicalLeopleurodon

Men can be a little "duh" sometimes (discovered i have a gluten intolerance-hubby wants to go to olive garden).

Explain again to him why youre doing this. Find some other activities yall can do together (hubby and i go hunting).

Also, goals are great, but dont make yourself miserable. Youll never maintain it if you get the urge to scream every time you see a pastry (laugh all you want, ive been there.One more chicken breast and i was going to cry).

DrMAvDPhD

Step 1: Realize this is a personal choice for you. This means you don't NEED other people to understand. You don't NEED people to support your choice. You don't need to ruin everyone else's holiday cheer to accomplish it.

Step 2: Realize that you can still participate in group situations that revolve around food and still stick to your plan. There are a few options here. You can go and NOT partake in the food (this might get some comments just say you aren't hungry). You can go and eat within your calorie allowance. You can go and eat above your allowance and make up for it by eating less that day/some other time that week/adding a few extra cardio sessions in.