How do you make people understand?

jennegan1

I know this may sound odd, but why do you need to have the deserts/food etc? Enjoy the music, the atmosphere and the company.

It looks like one of your concerns was the effect on blood sugars suggesting you are pre diabetic or diabetic. That is a perfectly fine excuse when confronted with loads of desserts, cakes and parties and I used it even before I started working seriously on my health / weight loss (In an office with 50 people it seems like there is always a birthday or occasion to celebrate)

I still go out to eat and can eat foods that will not derail my weight loss at most restaurants. You can ask for your food to be prepared as you want it. Parties and get-togethers, I have coffee or a diet coke and most people that I know generally will have a veggie plate etc. On the getaway you can still eat right as in restaurants.

A lot of this relies on your willpower and motivation and how much you are willing to stand up for yourself. I have learned to be a lot stronger this time around because I needed to seriously make changes for my health. People offer me food all of the time and they know I am working on losing weight. When I politely decline, most remark on my willpower to not be derailed. I have never had any negative remarks and as I mentioned I still go out, etc but on my own terms.

Remember that you really can't control other peoples words and actions. You can only control how you react to them and how you feel about them.

I would talk to your husband and suggest that these outings make you unhappy and suggest alternatives, and if this is stuff he really wants to do - work out compromises. And again, just because it is there, doesn't mean you have to eat it

I know how that goes about the diabetic and pre diabetic issues. I see this daily with my own family, my mother is pre diabetic and of course need to eat by a certain time each day so the blood sugar doesnt drop into dangerous levels. My step dad on the other hand like to eat late 6-630 and my mother really cant wait that long, so he always got something to say and she says well Im pre diabetic and then he says something with bs to what she got to say....Now does she always make the healthiest food choices no but when ppl dont suffer from diabetes or pre diabetes then they truly dont understand

Mokey41

A tip I've learned is not to assume that what is on a menu is what you have to have. My husband is allergic to wheat, I have a gluten and lactose intolerance and my granddaughter is celiac. We're a real treat to go out with but I tell our server up front what I want. There are very few restaurants that don't have a plain chicken breast kicking around the kitchen that they will grill for you and like I said before ask for double veggies and no starches. I haven't been anywhere yet that they've refused my requests. I tend to tip better because I know we're a PITA.

RiannonC

In my opinion, go to the events, skip the desserts. Enjoy the concert and just drink water. Have fun eating out at friend's homes, but stick to the vegetable and protein options in small portions. Tell people you don't really eat sugar. They will get used to it. You can have a 3 day weekend out and still eat healthy. Get supermarket salads to eat in your hotel and skip the dressing. Or ask for steamed broccoli and grilled chicken at the hotel restaurant. It's totally possible to eat out for nearly every meal and still lose weight. Just be careful about where you go and what you order. You can ask questions about how the food is prepared.
Don't let anyone stop you from reaching your goals.
I agree with people who have said you don't want to be skipping all the parties for the rest of your life. Just learn how to firmly say "No, thank you" to the food that isn't part of your plan.

ninerbuff

I understand completely but like Kristen said, this is life! You can't go through it saying no, no, no.

Just make room for these events and plan ahead. You'll make it! Even if your goal takes a little longer, you'll get there.

Planning ahead for three or four times a week eating at places that don't serve anything that fits on my plan?

Just eat before you go then. Who says you HAVE to eat what's there? I tell clients all the time that have to go to kids pizza/birthday parties to eat their meals before arriving and binging of what's there will be greatly reduced.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

retiree2006

When you mention blood sugar problems and feeling terrible, is there an issue with pre-diabetes? That could be the focus of why you can't tolerate such carb loading foods. Can you make it more about feeling better if you control the less healthy foods? And regarding the night out with desserts...eat a little or none and can you take the rest home for hubby to enjoy later?

It can be all consuming when you're working hard to lose the weight, but you also have to be able to handle these times of year so try for maintenance at least. And you can pick and choose what you want to eat so don't let others pressure you into having something you don't really want. Ultimately you are in control. Good luck as I know how hard it can be!

JaxDemon

Imo no one can truly understand the journey you have decided to take on unless they have been there and done it themselves. However you should not deny yourself nights out and stuff. We have 365 days in a year and 7 in a week one day or night of enjoying yourself will not hurt your goals at all. Live life do not be dictated by it.

ThriceBlessed

I know how you feel. I just dumped a 'friend' who was a major problem when it came to food. (I didn't dump her because of that. I dumped her because she was cheating on her husband, who is also my friend. Made things awkward.) At any rate, since the 'breakup', I have been able to get back on track. I don't think that she was intentionally sabotaguing my dieting efforts. She admitted that she is a food addict even though she had bariatric surgery. Surgery doesn't cure problems in the mind.

If you spouse is thin, he probably doesn't have issues about eating out so often or eating food that is not good for you. This makes it hard for thin spouse to understand why the other must curtail the partying and pay more attention to what they eat.

I see that some people state that you should be able to indulge, but still maintain your diet. If you are anything like me, that is not possible. Once I start eating certain foods, I can't stop until I am overloaded and well over calories. Perhaps you could attend the potluck and take something that you can eat and still be on your lifestyle change. Drink water during the meal to get full faster. Maybe take a salad just for you in a tupperware bowl to eat along with your special potluck meal.

Find out what restaurants are close to the hotel where you will be staying and get menus ahead of time so you can pre-plan your meals. I have a folder full of menus for this purpose. You can get them off-line or swing by the day before and beg them for a copy.

Your husband doesn't seem to understand how difficult this is for you. Perhaps you need to sit down again with him and explain how your weight is affecting your health, including how much more energy you would have to do things with him if you could lose the weight. You might want to throw in that sex will be better for both of you. Give him a reason to help you, which basically means making him a winner as well.

Does your spouse have weight issues? If so, maybe get a membership for the both of you for the gym and work out together. Find other things to do together, like hiking or boating, that will mean you are spending time with him, but that time does not center around food.

Some spouses get afraid that they will lose their loved one to another if they get in shape. Is your spouse insecure? Reassure him that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, but you need to get healthy in order to really enjoy that time and not be riddled with diseases that could be prevented if you lose weight.

Good luck!

Thank you for understanding! At least I don't feel like EVERYONE assumes it is just me being unreasonable.

Yes, my husband is naturally thin, and can eat whatever he wants without gaining a pound. In fact, several times he has gone on specific diets to gain weight because he was looking to gaunt.

The people who are stating I should be able to indulge are partly right. I CAN indulge on occasion, but it is best if I can plan for the indulgence... and have some say in where I go so that I know ahead of time what options to choose. Certain foods do tend to make it very hard for me to stop, so I prefer to leave those foods completely alone, but there are many foods, even sweets, that are not a control problem for when I can plan for them.

As for the potlucks, at times I do the things you suggested, but often it is simply EASIER for me to stay home and cook, and then show up after the potluck for Bible study and fellowship. I grow tired of explaining to my husband why I prefer to do that, and take two cars so that he can go ahead and go to the potluck. But that is a minor issue, easy enough to deal with.

My husband knows that I am working hard at this. That I started off very disabled by my extra weight, and in very bad health, and have worked extremely hard to rid myself of walking with a cane, of limping... That I worked very hard lose enough weight that I'd be able to keep breathing on my own at night without a machine, that my blood pressure is finally normal and my heart rate steady... that my doctor finally stopped talking about putting me on insulin...

I am at the point now where I am pretty healthy, where I can run, where I can do workouts my husband can't do.

But I am still overweight, and don't want to be. I think my husband maybe thinks that now that the worst of the health threat is over I should loosen up, but I've tried that and my progress tends to stop.

shaynepoole

I usually try to stay positive on these forums but it sounds like you've made up your mind to be miserable, bitter, and a little bit angry. I don't know why you posted if that is the case.

Unfortunately, I kind of agree with you here

sk_pirate

Are these events and whatnot SOLELY based on the food alone? Surely there must be some socializing as well...if so, go for that, not the food! I can't tell you how many times I have gone on group dates to the Keg or whatever, and just got a side salad because I ate before hand. It's not that hard, you're just making it too complicated.

I hear a lot of excuses. That used to be, and to some point, still is, me. Only YOU can control what you eat or don't eat. I highly doubt at these events, people are shoving food down your throat.

shaynepoole

I tend to tip better because I know we're a PITA.

This made me LOL as I do the same thing, but as you mention - I have never had a problem at restaurants due to this

elyelyse

I have gone to restaurants and studied the menu looking for grilled chicken or fish, and found none, and settled for eating just a tiny bit of some ridiculously high calorie entre... and gone to bed hungry as a result.

Not that this is a big solution to your problem but...most restaurants will prepare grilled chicken and veggies if you ask them too, even if it's not on the menu. They will also substitute grilled for fried, or veggies instead of rice, sauce on the side, etc...all ways to get the calorie count down. Yeah the server might look at you funny but who cares! Also, many restaurants serve huge appetizer salads with a variety of vegetables and even a protein; you can order that for your main dish.

Another option...eat a pre-dinner meal at home full of your lean protein and veggies. (It's easy to fill your belly with that stuff without using too many of your day's calories.) Then, out to dinner, order a small appetizer as your meal. Then you don't have to be hungry.

If you can't get your man to understand, then your only option is to find other strategies (and going hungry doesn't have to be one of them)

RunForChai

Hi,
You have my sympathy. Like you, I have had to cut some foods completely from my diet because I can't eat just a bite---it is easier for me not to start with some foods.

I have to go out to eat fairly often and hosts frequent potlucks. I plan ahead by reading the menu and deciding ahead of time exactly what I will eat, how much and log it in then. Okay, here's the sneaky part---often times I eat something that works for me [high protein, reasonable healthy fats] like walnuts or almonds or a few pieces of cheese

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sometimes I even put these in my bag so that IF I get tempted to eat more than I planned or something else---I go into the bathroom and have a snack. I also ask for lots of water, I drink ice water and keep it coming so that the water fills me up. In terms of a glass of wine, I sip---little teeny, tiny sips. It means that I can enjoy all of the activities that I always have without falling prey to common temptations and I don't even have to talk to anyone about it.

Finally, once I break the spell of the foods I can't resist----I find a perverse pleasure in watching others eat them. I even enjoy preparing some of my "forbidden" foods for others in my life. I watch it as though I am in a movie.

Hang in there. Don't eat food that wrecks your diet, don't make a big deal out of it with others

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do take care of yourself and eat only what really will nourish your body and help you reach your goals.

ElizabethFuller

Anyway, at my age, eating 1600 calories a day and exercising 90 minutes a day, trying to get a minimum of 100 grams of protein every day results in a loss of 1-2 pounds a week, which is what I am aiming for.

I think I would cut my weightloss goal to 1lb a week until the holidays are over, keep your daytime calories to about 500 and that leaves you over 1000 for the evening.
I'm sure it's frustrating but I think you should be able to choose lighter options from menus - can you go to places that have their menus/calorie contents online so you can choose in advance (even if they don't there'll be something similar you can use on the database here.) Get your friends on side so there's more than one dish you can eat at the potluck, make excuses - you have blood sugar issues so you say to people "That looks delicious but eating too much sugar makes my blood glucose peak and crash, so, no thank you", cheese or chocolate might possibly give you migraines, people will rarely continue to press food on you if they think it's going to do you harm - on the other hand if you make your diet the reason then they'll never give up trying to change your mind!
This is a life-long journey, not a sprint, you have to develop strategies to deal with high calorie food and pressured eating environments, they are always going to be around you. Good luck!

ThriceBlessed

Imo no one can truly understand the journey you have decided to take on unless they have been there and done it themselves. However you should not deny yourself nights out and stuff. We have 365 days in a year and 7 in a week one day or night of enjoying yourself will not hurt your goals at all. Live life do not be dictated by it.

As I've stated over and over and over again. I am not denying myself nights out. I just don't want them occurring three times a week. :ohwell:

Also, I am living life more now than before. Not too long ago I was walking with a cane and unable to enjoy outings at all due to my physical pain and difficulty moving :frown: . Now I am walking, hiking, jogging, weightlifting, do bootcamps, etc. :happy: I'd love to go on a hiking/fishing/camping "outing" with my husband. Or have both of us learn how to play some sport together or something.

I have no interest in the things he wants to do... classical guitar... orchestra... (:yawn: I feel like I need a cookie to stay awake!)

Think it would be awesome to go ride dirt bikes together though, or go to country music concert.

billsica

Your diet doesn't have to suck the life out of having fun.

Seriously I think you have the wrong attitude about what you are trying to do.

Step 1 get some self control. If you can't go out to have a nice dinner and not just pig out, then you have some serious stuff to work out.

Step 2 So, your never going to go to a birthday party, have desert, or go on trips again? This diet lifestyle just seems like a recipe for disaster.

Step 3 I feel bad for your husband. For his sake give up on this diet. Make sustainable lifestyle changes instead that everyone can live with.


If you want to know. I don't diet. I gave up on wanting to lose weight. I just train to be awesome now... Trust me its way better and we have cookies.. real ones, not those cauliflower kind.

0somuchbetter0

I haven't read this whole thread, but I totally get what you're saying, OP. Sure you don't want to deprive yourself of every little treat and you do want to have some fun and enjoy dates with your husband, but this is a crucial time. So many temptations everywhere you look, and you're just trying to get through the season without added stress.

Reminds me of when I quit smoking. As an addict who had tried and failed to quit several times before, the last (and final) time, I decided to totally change my lifestyle, at least for awhile. I told my smoking friends the only place I could see them was at the gym (this was back when you could still smoke in restaurants, etc.). I stopped going to bars and restaurants. I stopped drinking alcohol altogether (a trigger). It was several months...maybe even years...before I could even be around smokers and not want to chew my fingers off from the cravings. I couldn't even watch someone smoke on TV without thinking, "boohoo, poor me, I'll never be able to enjoy a cigarette again." My friends, smokers and non-smokers alike, thought I was being way too extreme and strict, but I knew this was the only way. It's now been over 14 years since I had a smoke and I don't even think about it anymore.

So yeah, some others on here have said there's nothing wrong with an occasional treat, etc., and that's true, but you know yourself better than anyone, and if you need to avoid holiday parties and dessert events and all the related stuff for now, you do what you need to do and let them go ahead and call you a scrooge. Hang in there -- just 26 days until New Year's Day! :flowerforyou:

elyelyse

I tend to tip better because I know we're a PITA.

Yup, exactly that. :laugh:

paddgirl21

Why does dieting have to be that miserable? Surely you could squeeze a dessert in without derailing your entire diet? Sure, if you have an issue with portion control I could maybe see your point but I'm not quite understanding why you cant have fun and indulge?

Its not "a dessert", its one even after another after another after another. That is my point. Thanksgiving results in a two pound gain, I get it off, then hubby immediately wants to take me out for dinner. That doesn't result in a gain, but prevents a loss... I work that out and then hubby doesn't understand why I don't go to a woman's event at my church where there is a ton of dessert food, the very next day, he wants to take me out to a dessert event... two days after that he will most likely be trying to talk me into eating some of my son's and my birthday cake, two days later he will try to talk me into going to wednesday night potluck with him, a couple of days after that he will want to go out to dinner again... it is never ending. And while an occasional date or dinner out doesn't hurt, doing so every week, in addition to all the holiday stuff... is resulting in a NET LOSS of zero for November and December.

I have had this problem however, I guess I don't seem to have an emotional attachment to food. Mine has always been alcohol. If we are out and about, alcohol will be the problem and not the food aspect. However, maybe you need to see that maybe there are some unhealthy thoughts ABOUT food in your world. If I went to a function out and about, I always have one bite of dessert (to taste) and not overindulge. After awhile, people have seen me not taking part in all the festivities and they get it. I'm not derailing MY efforts to make THEM feel better by eating their food. No way. If they don't like it, it's too bad. They are the ones with that problem, not me. I know how to handle my food intake. If you don't while you are out, then maybe sit down and really think about it, and have an open frank discussion with your husband. This has to be about you and he needs to understand that. Otherwise, your efforts will continue to be derailed by him. Don't let that happen. You are a strong person and I know it. Keep your head up!

ThriceBlessed

Why does dieting have to be that miserable? Surely you could squeeze a dessert in without derailing your entire diet? Sure, if you have an issue with portion control I could maybe see your point but I'm not quite understanding why you cant have fun and indulge?

THIS. Sounds like your approach to it is more misery than an actual lifestyle change. What are you going to do next year? Skip all the parties again because of lack of portion control?
Your "diet" shouldn't affect others around you including family. It's your uptaking not theirs.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Again, we are not talking about an occasional treat... we are talking about several times a week... and often without warning so that I'd be able to plan for it.

nccarolb

I'm going to come at this from a different perspective. My ex enjoyed sabotaging me when I was trying to lose weight. He seemed to feel that if I lost weight that I would become more attractive and find someone else. I'm not saying this is the case with the OP, but I so totally understand the frustration she feels. I'm on 1220 calories a day (after losing 60 lbs) and I refuse to eat nothing but lettuce so I plan very carefully for the times I eat out. As for going to a dessert event? I'd be out of my mind to put myself in that situation. I know that sweets are a weak point for me so I avoid going near them. I can't eat just a bite and walk away. If OP's hubby is truly just wanting to spend time with her, he should be willing to compromise, especially when it is her health at issue.

My advice is to plan as best you can, but straight up tell him that you will not be going to any events that are based on food after this one. As others have suggested, offer alternatives for dates. If he ignores your request, I would ask if he actually has your best interests at heart.