Touchy subject. Pornography. Need advice.

RivenV

Hey, I wonder what's going on over here...

Laura_Ivy

guys like porn. end thread

This unfortunately...if my guy has alone time no matter how much he gets it,he looks at it. It used to offend me but now I just laugh about it. Try to lighten up a bit about it! He comes to you when he needs/wants you so what's thr big deal?

doorki

. It's the age of the internet, and I think finding a guy who doesn't look at it is going to be a hard task.

This is incorrect. I know dozens (literally, dozens) of men who find it distasteful and don't watch porn. Not saying NONE of them have experimented or tried it once or twice, as I'm sure a fair number have, but as a whole they avoid it. It's a little silly to assume EVERYBODY watches it.

Yeeeah....they are lying to you

Sorry, there are just so many posts to use it on.

AlongCame_Molly

. It's the age of the internet, and I think finding a guy who doesn't look at it is going to be a hard task.

This is incorrect. I know dozens (literally, dozens) of men who find it distasteful and don't watch porn. Not saying NONE of them have experimented or tried it once or twice, as I'm sure a fair number have, but as a whole they avoid it. It's a little silly to assume EVERYBODY watches it.

I think it's just as silly to think that all these men aren't telling you what you want to hear. This is not a subject most men are going to have frank discussions about with women they actually know

Where did I say that NOT watching porn was "what I want to hear"? Not once did I mention my own personal pornographic preferences (yay alliteration!). lol

Also silly to assume I do not have open and frank conversations with men in my life. I have open, judgment free convos all the time, and it has come up many, many times with people I know that porn is not their cup of tea. Shrug. Just sayin.

raw_meal

i don't understand...why is porn so evil....

its a person...watching other people...doing things on tv...

replace porn with love...

what if your boyfriend told you that you were never allowed to watch anything to do with love on TV....because it made you want love and it made you look for love, and he was afraid it would make you look for love outside of your relationship?

does that sound silly to you? does to me...

or you are never allowed to watch a taco bell commercial again because you may want their tacos more than his homemade tacos...

get my point?

it's porn...he hasn't touched anyone, in all likelihood if he was touching himself while watching, he was thinking about HIMSELF and how it made HIM feel and OMG...it may...it MAY have even made him more aroused for you...

so what's the big deal with porn?

DAMMIT !!! now I want Taco Bell

Do not look at porn after Doritos spicy locos tacos.....learned that one the hard way.

Hilarious!

_SABOTEUR_

I'm just curious, where is the line drawn between your partner wanting to try new things they've seen in porn and projecting "porn standards" onto you? what are these aforementioned "porn standards"? this is a genuine question.

When he buys you new boobs for Christmas?

kellenas

Perhaps some men don't look at it because they know it's hurtful to their SO. This happens as well. It doesn't mean that "they're not allowed to," it just means that their SO's feelings are more important than getting their visual fix.

The only reason it is hurtful is because one lets it be hurtful...and that's usually in play with insecurity issues.

ok, so if you're SO cheated on you and it hurt you, it's just your insecurities? I mean, it's only hurtful because you let it be hurtful. All I'm saying is that some people do view porn watching as cheating. It's lusting after someone (although, usually unattainable) other than your SO. Not everyone views porn watching the same. To each his own.

doorki

I'm just curious, where is the line drawn between your partner wanting to try new things they've seen in porn and projecting "porn standards" onto you? what are these aforementioned "porn standards"? this is a genuine question.

Piledriver DP while loudly singing the German National Anthem.

liesevanlingen

I feel the only solution to this is to break up.


A relationship with a girl who doesn't look at porn and doesn't let her man look at porn isn't going to be a success.

Are you serious? I don't look at porn and neither does my husband (he doesn't believe in objectifying people) and we've been very happily married for 18 years. That's not what I call an unsuccessful relationship.

but does your husband not look at porn because YOU "don't let him" or does he not because he's not interested.

BIG HUGE DIFFERENCE

Oh, I see what you mean. I guess I misunderstood. I thought you were implying that any relationship that didn't include porn is doomed to failure. No, he's not interested. As the expression goes, why would he want to drive a Volkswagen when he's got a Cadillac at home?
But I would just like to add that any relationship where one person is trying to control the other is unlikely to be successful--whether it's about watching porn or anything else.

gmthisfeller

All men and some women enjoy watching and looking at pornographic images.

I am loathe to enter this "discussion" except to say that the casual way in which both men and women advert to simple stereotypes is annoying. "All men" do not enjoy anything, any more than "all women" or all African Americans or all First Immigrants.

TheSlorax

I'm just curious, where is the line drawn between your partner wanting to try new things they've seen in porn and projecting "porn standards" onto you? what are these aforementioned "porn standards"? this is a genuine question.

It changes into projecting when the person viewing porn literally expects their partner to morph into what they're watching, and isn't willing to accept anything less.

so, when they start expecting the same aesthetic standards? or is it more wanting *super pornstar status* sex acts?

DorisInTheDena

In my opinion, porn sets unrealistic expectations for relationships. I'm not doing that stuff and no one is paying me to. I agree that a couple needs to have the same moral grounds. If the OP is not comfortable with it then she isn't. That's how she feels. No one can tell anyone else how to feel!!

wjstoj

oohhhh..wait a minute...now I get it - "Touchy Subject - Pornography"...HA ! I see what you did there

Jersey_Devil

Laura_Ivy

I'm just curious, where is the line drawn between your partner wanting to try new things they've seen in porn and projecting "porn standards" onto you? what are these aforementioned "porn standards"? this is a genuine question.

Piledriver DP while loudly singing the German National Anthem.

The visual! Bwahaha

seltzermint555

I can understand being upset about the pics of his ex, especially if they were naked...but just the porn? Yeah, guys like porn, even if they get laid often. Guys who don't watch porn are few and far between.

Pretty much this.

Unless you have some sort of religious or psychological reason for being anti-porn, or the porn involves children or something...I don't get the problem with that.

BUT...what I do think is a problem is that you feel the need to snoop on this guy. I don't mean it's a problem with YOU so much as your relationship. Definitely some trust issues going on.

QuietBloom

So what if he watches porn? Doesn't hurt you, doesn't replace you, so what? No problem. I'd be offended and insulted if I were him and you tried to make him "promise" not to look at porn. Porn is, in my opinion, boring and uninteresting, but no harm to you.

No doubt I'll get a bunch of backlash for this, but I'm surprised that so many here don't see pornography as harmful to relationships. My husband is a marriage counselor. The problems he sees couples for are 1. Infidelity (either partner, but most often the man). 2. Pornography addiction (the male is addicted).

A lot of the comments I read on here were from men who seem to be somewhat defensive about the subject. Kind of 'A man will be a man' type of bullpucky. Men have every ability to control themselves if they want to.

danali2010

For all those people who think that watching porn isn't a big deal, read this article.
http://intentionalwarriors.com/2012/09/07/pornography-makes-you-dumb/

kyleekay10

I'm just curious, where is the line drawn between your partner wanting to try new things they've seen in porn and projecting "porn standards" onto you? what are these aforementioned "porn standards"? this is a genuine question.

It changes into projecting when the person viewing porn literally expects their partner to morph into what they're watching, and isn't willing to accept anything less.

so, when they start expecting the same aesthetic standards? or is it more wanting *super pornstar status* sex acts?

Either of those/both of those, I'd say.

PikaKnight

Perhaps some men don't look at it because they know it's hurtful to their SO. This happens as well. It doesn't mean that "they're not allowed to," it just means that their SO's feelings are more important than getting their visual fix.

The only reason it is hurtful is because one lets it be hurtful...and that's usually in play with insecurity issues.

ok, so if you're SO cheated on you and it hurt you, it's just your insecurities? I mean, it's only hurtful because you let it be hurtful. All I'm saying is that some people do view porn watching as cheating. It's lusting after someone (although, usually unattainable) other than your SO. Not everyone views porn watching the same. To each his own.

Umm...your SO cheating on you is different from watching porn. I hope you understand that.

SexKittenlovesitrough

In my opinion, porn sets unrealistic expectations for relationships. I'm not doing that stuff and no one is paying me to. I agree that a couple needs to have the same moral grounds. If the OP is not comfortable with it then she isn't. That's how she feels. No one can tell anyone else how to feel!!

to flip that...she shouldn't be telling him how to feel...he likes porn and she made him promise not to look at it...

so....by your own logic....

PikaKnight

I'm just curious, where is the line drawn between your partner wanting to try new things they've seen in porn and projecting "porn standards" onto you? what are these aforementioned "porn standards"? this is a genuine question.

Piledriver DP while loudly singing the German National Anthem.

I think that's a real porn. :laugh:

TheSlorax

In my opinion, porn sets unrealistic expectations for relationships. I'm not doing that stuff and no one is paying me to. I agree that a couple needs to have the same moral grounds. If the OP is not comfortable with it then she isn't. That's how she feels. No one can tell anyone else how to feel!!

lol.... I feel cheated.... I do a lot of "that stuff" for free without complaint. should I be trying to use sex acts as leverage? on the basis of my moral grounds of course.

metaphoria

It may come as a shock to some people, but there are many others out there who do not like porn and do not use it. There are also people who, for the sake of their SOs, keep a simple promise. This isn't about porn or not enough sex, it's about two incompatible views and a broken promise. And apparently also an ex from a year ago. Perhaps it's time to find someone who shares your views, instead of half-heartedly sort of putting up with them.

Really? So you have never promised yourself something, then broke it? The ex this is bad and yeah, if she doesn't like him viewing porn, then maybe she should find someone else. Good luck finding a guy that fits all of your criteria and also doesn't view porn.

All my criteria?? I mentioned not liking porn, keeps promises and maybe indirectly I mentioned doesn't mess around with his exes. That bar isn't set very high off the ground. Lol

It's interesting to me that people are telling her to get comfortable with it, accept it without question and even join in when she doesnt want to, but are totally shocked that she would dare ask him to be comfortable without it.

Like I said, incompatible. If it's a deal breaker, break the deal because he has already proven he's unlikely to stop, especially with so many people cheering him on.

So, by this rationale, he has to meet all of your criteria, but it doesn't matter if you meet his? I'm sure there are things that she does that he doesn't care for. Bottom line, nitpicking, about anything, will ruin a relationship. Porn may be just an excuse. A catalyst, if you will. The root of the problem is insecurity and distrust. PERIOD.

I agree, there is mistrust. Insecurity? Perhaps. I dont think making a clear stance on a single issue, and then when he agrees, to assume he will follow through and be upset when he doesn't, would be classified as nitpicking. Perhaps he should have thought of his criteria before agreeing to her request. I never said his criteria didn't matter, only that they were incompatible.

fitfreakymom

what is it about the porn that you don't like? are you insecure with yourself and you fell he is looking because he thinks you are not pretty? the reason I ask is because I have been through this and thought he did it cause I was fat.

He used to be sneaky about it and lie to me about all the time, once I lost the weight I developed a different attitude about it and realized that him lying to me about it was his problem not mine and now I just don't care if he watch's it or not.

PikaKnight

I feel the only solution to this is to break up.


A relationship with a girl who doesn't look at porn and doesn't let her man look at porn isn't going to be a success.

Are you serious? I don't look at porn and neither does my husband (he doesn't believe in objectifying people) and we've been very happily married for 18 years. That's not what I call an unsuccessful relationship.

but does your husband not look at porn because YOU "don't let him" or does he not because he's not interested.

BIG HUGE DIFFERENCE

Oh, I see what you mean. I guess I misunderstood. I thought you were implying that any relationship that didn't include porn is doomed to failure. No, he's not interested. As the expression goes, why would he want to drive a Volkswagen when he's got a Cadillac at home?
But I would just like to add that any relationship where one person is trying to control the other is unlikely to be successful--whether it's about watching porn or anything else.

I think a lot of what is being argued isn't whether everyone watches/likes porn..but the controlling factor of it.

wjstoj

ok then....I can see there are no tacos here as originally promised. Everyone have a good weekend and play nice

doorki

For all those people who think that watching porn isn't a big deal, read this article.
http://intentionalwarriors.com/2012/09/07/pornography-makes-you-dumb/

You chose that to be your first post?

sypop

ok then....I can see there are no tacos here as originally promised. Everyone have a good weekend and play nice

awwwww but i love tacos....

PikaKnight

In my opinion, porn sets unrealistic expectations for relationships. I'm not doing that stuff and no one is paying me to. I agree that a couple needs to have the same moral grounds. If the OP is not comfortable with it then she isn't. That's how she feels. No one can tell anyone else how to feel!!

In my opinion, romantic films set unrealistic expectations for relationships. So if a guy isn't comfortable with chick flicks, can he rightfully ban them if the girl sets out to ban porn?

I hope so because this is a relationship, right? Equals and all that stuff.