Touchy subject. Pornography. Need advice.

BeachIron

I was addicted tio it for many years. I joined a 12 Step program in 2001and have been free since.

There is a 12-step program for porn? Are there meetings? How does that not turn into a giant naked pile of people?


If there really is a program, then hi....my name is Homer....and I am an addict.

Is there an open bar? One addiction at a time . . .

kyleekay10

Have him read this article, so he can realize that what he is doing is harmful to your relationship.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2153248/Men-look-porn-damage-partners-self-confidence--habit-break-happy-relationships.html

Good luck. :flowerforyou:

I call total bs. It's not a guy or girl looking at porn that corrodes the relationship. It's the other person letting their insecurities get in the way, not communicating or/and not realizing that relationships aren't a "It's all me" deal. It's called compromise and acceptance.

Ugh.

In most cases, I agree with you. But (in my IRL experience) it can honestly sometimes corrode the viewer's perception of sex and intimacy in general.

:flowerforyou:

But, that's impossible to make a judgement on for OP since this iz da interwebz.

I don't see how, unless the person watching doesn't realize the difference between fantasy and real life. And there a bunch of different types of porn. Some are actually quite intimate versus the hardcore scenes that most tend to think of. So I'm not sure what you mean unless you are talking about someone not knowing the difference between fantasy and real life.

For me personally I don't know how that'd happen- I can clearly tell the difference between Fake vs Real.

For my ex, I don't know really. He was obsessive about it and started to base his expectations on it. I think he also started to project certain body expectations from the porn he'd watch onto me. I for sure think it's rare for that to happen to people who watch porn, but it's definitely a real possibility.

Course he had some other issues up in the ol' noggin that probably didn't help, either.

QuietBloom

Hi all. This is way out of my comfort zone. I have been struggling with something that I need to talk about though. I can't post this on fb or any other site where ppl know me because it's just too embarrassing and raw right now. I get to the point... My bf and I have been together for almost 3 yrs. he has known how I feel about porn and the other day I saw lots of porn pages and a video in our internet history. I've never caught him looking at porn before. BUT I did find 3 pics or his ex on his phone almost a year ago. We got past that because he promised it would never happen again. I decided to trust him but then this happens a few days ago. I am very hurt by the porn but even more hurt he broke his promise and my trust in him. Anybody with experiences like this? Guys and girls. How do I get over this? Is he going to keep breaking these promises? Sorry if this is a weird subject but all responses are really really appreciated.

And you broke his trust by snooping around his internet history. Lot's of people like porn, guys and girls, it's not the end of the world. It's only a problem if he prefers to watch porn and eh hem take care of himself more than he likes being intimate with you. And if that's the case...porn really isn't the issue either, it' s the relationship in general.

If you are sharing a computer, you don't have to snoop to know what someone else has been Googling. I go to YouTube and an inundated with My Little Pony videos, because that is what my daughter always watches. They load automatically.

Are you sure it is your daughter? There are a lot of "bronies" out there....just sayin'

Don't I know it! My 17 year old son is one. But he has his own computer.

F00LofaT00K

If watching porn is so important to him that he does it even if he promises he won't then he will probably keep doing that. And it's probably because no matter how much you have a problem with it, he doesn't understand what the big deal is. It isn't cheating on you and it isn't about being with other women. It's about masturbating and getting his rocks off. Men are visual. Watching does that for them. And that's the end of it. If after 3 years he's still doing this and it is still bothering you, then maybe you should question whether or not his behavior is a deal-breaker for you.

I won't make accusations because I don't know the circumstances, I have accidentally read things on my boyfriend's phone before... but if you came across those pictures by going through his phone intentionally, that is a serious violation of his privacy and shows that you have issues trusting him. Personally, I couldn't be with somebody I didn't trust. My boyfriend watches porn and I know it. I watch porn. This isn't an issue in our relationship... but I guarantee if I was snooping through his computer history or phone he would have a problem with it because that is spying and it is rude. I don't condone going through his phone, I think that's a nasty thing to do to a person who trusts you... but at the same time holding on to pictures of his ex is a really skeezy move. You clearly have reasons not to trust him at his word.

Three years in a relationship is a long time and I made the mistake in the past of staying with somebody because "we had been together so long and have been through so much together." The fact of the matter is, no matter how long you are with somebody, if you can't trust them at the end of the day to do what they say and keep promises you are better off without them. And if you are more comfortable asking strangers on the internet for help than you are confronting him about it honestly than maybe the relationship is already past the point of salvage anyway.

sypop

i don't understand...why is porn so evil....

its a person...watching other people...doing things on tv...

replace porn with love...

what if your boyfriend told you that you were never allowed to watch anything to do with love on TV....because it made you want love and it made you look for love, and he was afraid it would make you look for love outside of your relationship?

does that sound silly to you? does to me...

or you are never allowed to watch a taco bell commercial again because you may want their tacos more than his homemade tacos...

get my point?

it's porn...he hasn't touched anyone, in all likelihood if he was touching himself while watching, he was thinking about HIMSELF and how it made HIM feel and OMG...it may...it MAY have even made him more aroused for you...

so what's the big deal with porn?

DAMMIT !!! now I want Taco Bell

lol i love this great analogy
also ....i LOVE tacos...just sayin

kyleekay10

I can understand being upset about the photos of the ex thing.

Regarding porn, IMO, it's only a problem if it becomes an addiction. My ex-husband struggled with that, and when we finally decided to split he admitted that it skewed his view of how he and I should relate intimately.

My best advice is to talk to him about it. If it continues, seek couple's therapy.

Bingo.

:flowerforyou:

liesevanlingen

I feel the only solution to this is to break up.


A relationship with a girl who doesn't look at porn and doesn't let her man look at porn isn't going to be a success.

Are you serious? I don't look at porn and neither does my husband (he doesn't believe in objectifying people) and we've been very happily married for 18 years. That's not what I call an unsuccessful relationship.

QuietBloom

Have him read this article, so he can realize that what he is doing is harmful to your relationship.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2153248/Men-look-porn-damage-partners-self-confidence--habit-break-happy-relationships.html

Good luck. :flowerforyou:

I call total bs. It's not a guy or girl looking at porn that corrodes the relationship. It's the other person letting their insecurities get in the way, not communicating or/and not realizing that relationships aren't a "It's all me" deal. It's called compromise and acceptance.

Ugh.

In most cases, I agree with you. But (in my IRL experience) it can honestly sometimes corrode the viewer's perception of sex and intimacy in general.

:flowerforyou:

But, that's impossible to make a judgement on for OP since this iz da interwebz.

I don't see how, unless the person watching doesn't realize the difference between fantasy and real life. And there a bunch of different types of porn. Some are actually quite intimate versus the hardcore scenes that most tend to think of. So I'm not sure what you mean unless you are talking about someone not knowing the difference between fantasy and real life.

For me personally I don't know how that'd happen- I can clearly tell the difference between Fake vs Real.

For my ex, I don't know really. He was obsessive about it and started to base his expectations on it. I think he also started to project certain body expectations from the porn he'd watch onto me. I for sure think it's rare for that to happen to people who watch porn, but it's definitely a real possibility.

Course he had some other issues up in the ol' noggin that probably didn't help, either.

I don't think it is rare at all.

PikaKnight

Have him read this article, so he can realize that what he is doing is harmful to your relationship.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2153248/Men-look-porn-damage-partners-self-confidence--habit-break-happy-relationships.html

Good luck. :flowerforyou:

I call total bs. It's not a guy or girl looking at porn that corrodes the relationship. It's the other person letting their insecurities get in the way, not communicating or/and not realizing that relationships aren't a "It's all me" deal. It's called compromise and acceptance.

Ugh.

In most cases, I agree with you. But (in my IRL experience) it can honestly sometimes corrode the viewer's perception of sex and intimacy in general.

:flowerforyou:

But, that's impossible to make a judgement on for OP since this iz da interwebz.

I don't see how, unless the person watching doesn't realize the difference between fantasy and real life. And there a bunch of different types of porn. Some are actually quite intimate versus the hardcore scenes that most tend to think of. So I'm not sure what you mean unless you are talking about someone not knowing the difference between fantasy and real life.

For me personally I don't know how that'd happen- I can clearly tell the difference between Fake vs Real.

For my ex, I don't know really. He was obsessive about it and started to base his expectations on it. I think he also started to project certain body expectations from the porn he'd watch onto me. I for sure think it's rare for that to happen to people who watch porn, but it's definitely a real possibility.

Course he had some other issues up in the ol' noggin that probably didn't help, either.

Some people have a fetish for public sex/intimacy (getting off in front of others) or/and video-taping themselves. It doesn't mean their relationship is less meaningful. That's just what they like.

doorki

Hi all. This is way out of my comfort zone. I have been struggling with something that I need to talk about though. I can't post this on fb or any other site where ppl know me because it's just too embarrassing and raw right now. I get to the point... My bf and I have been together for almost 3 yrs. he has known how I feel about porn and the other day I saw lots of porn pages and a video in our internet history. I've never caught him looking at porn before. BUT I did find 3 pics or his ex on his phone almost a year ago. We got past that because he promised it would never happen again. I decided to trust him but then this happens a few days ago. I am very hurt by the porn but even more hurt he broke his promise and my trust in him. Anybody with experiences like this? Guys and girls. How do I get over this? Is he going to keep breaking these promises? Sorry if this is a weird subject but all responses are really really appreciated.

And you broke his trust by snooping around his internet history. Lot's of people like porn, guys and girls, it's not the end of the world. It's only a problem if he prefers to watch porn and eh hem take care of himself more than he likes being intimate with you. And if that's the case...porn really isn't the issue either, it' s the relationship in general.

If you are sharing a computer, you don't have to snoop to know what someone else has been Googling. I go to YouTube and an inundated with My Little Pony videos, because that is what my daughter always watches. They load automatically.

Are you sure it is your daughter? There are a lot of "bronies" out there....just sayin'

Don't I know it! My 17 year old son is one. But he has his own computer.

I wouldn't look at his history...

wjstoj

Let's stay focused people....where are the tacos ??

karlsantiago

.

SexKittenlovesitrough

I feel the only solution to this is to break up.


A relationship with a girl who doesn't look at porn and doesn't let her man look at porn isn't going to be a success.

Are you serious? I don't look at porn and neither does my husband (he doesn't believe in objectifying people) and we've been very happily married for 18 years. That's not what I call an unsuccessful relationship.

but does your husband not look at porn because YOU "don't let him" or does he not because he's not interested.

BIG HUGE DIFFERENCE

F00LofaT00K

I feel the only solution to this is to break up.


A relationship with a girl who doesn't look at porn and doesn't let her man look at porn isn't going to be a success.

Are you serious? I don't look at porn and neither does my husband (he doesn't believe in objectifying people) and we've been very happily married for 18 years. That's not what I call an unsuccessful relationship.

but does your husband not look at porn because YOU "don't let him" or does he not because he's not interested.

BIG HUGE DIFFERENCE

Agreed.

MyChocolateDiet

I was addicted tio it for many years. I joined a 12 Step program in 2001and have been free since.

There is a 12-step program for porn? Are there meetings? How does that not turn into a giant naked pile of people?


If there really is a program, then hi....my name is Homer....and I am an addict.

LOLOLOL. anyways, that man that posted that thing you replied to, does not seem cured to me...as his FL would imply.

karlsantiago

i don't understand...why is porn so evil....

its a person...watching other people...doing things on tv...

replace porn with love...

what if your boyfriend told you that you were never allowed to watch anything to do with love on TV....because it made you want love and it made you look for love, and he was afraid it would make you look for love outside of your relationship?

does that sound silly to you? does to me...

or you are never allowed to watch a taco bell commercial again because you may want their tacos more than his homemade tacos...

get my point?

it's porn...he hasn't touched anyone, in all likelihood if he was touching himself while watching, he was thinking about HIMSELF and how it made HIM feel and OMG...it may...it MAY have even made him more aroused for you...

so what's the big deal with porn?

DAMMIT !!! now I want Taco Bell

DAMMIT I WANT TACO BELL TOO!! cantina chicken bowl guac on the side pls

AlongCame_Molly

. It's the age of the internet, and I think finding a guy who doesn't look at it is going to be a hard task.

This is incorrect. I know dozens (literally, dozens) of men who find it distasteful and don't watch porn. Not saying NONE of them have experimented or tried it once or twice, as I'm sure a fair number have, but as a whole they avoid it. It's a little silly to assume EVERYBODY watches it.

JeniferEverx3

In my opinion, it is hurtful to have "inappropriate" pictures of people that you or your s/o actually know in real life whether it be an ex or a friend or a coworker or whatever, so I defnitely feel you have a right to request that he not have those pictures nor allow those people to send them to him.

Porn however, as long as it is not an addiction, is not illegal and he does not plan to act on anything you're uncomfortable with should not be a big deal. That being said though, you are human. You can have uncomfortable feelings about things or have certain things trigger insecurities but at the same time be intelligent enough to realize that in reality you shouldn't be worried about it. Feelings are funny that way, sometimes we just can't help them.

The key here is communication. Nothing will get resolved unless you talk out all your concerns without being judgemental or making demands because neither of these will get you a positive response. Politely request that he make an effort to make sure that you do not see/hear his "naughty" activities that way you will not have to feel stressed by it, then once he does this, put it out of your mind.

My boyfriend has a facebook friend who happens to be a girl we went to HS with. They are just friends, but I'm pretty sure she had a thing for him and had an issue once she found out he and I were dating. She started posting things on his facebook wall that seemed innocent enough but I could tell they were meant to instigate drama with me. So I blocked her. Now I never see anything she posts to him - out of sight, of mind.

doorki

Let's stay focused people....where are the tacos ??

kyleekay10

Have him read this article, so he can realize that what he is doing is harmful to your relationship.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2153248/Men-look-porn-damage-partners-self-confidence--habit-break-happy-relationships.html

Good luck. :flowerforyou:

I call total bs. It's not a guy or girl looking at porn that corrodes the relationship. It's the other person letting their insecurities get in the way, not communicating or/and not realizing that relationships aren't a "It's all me" deal. It's called compromise and acceptance.

Ugh.

In most cases, I agree with you. But (in my IRL experience) it can honestly sometimes corrode the viewer's perception of sex and intimacy in general.

:flowerforyou:

But, that's impossible to make a judgement on for OP since this iz da interwebz.

I don't see how, unless the person watching doesn't realize the difference between fantasy and real life. And there a bunch of different types of porn. Some are actually quite intimate versus the hardcore scenes that most tend to think of. So I'm not sure what you mean unless you are talking about someone not knowing the difference between fantasy and real life.

For me personally I don't know how that'd happen- I can clearly tell the difference between Fake vs Real.

For my ex, I don't know really. He was obsessive about it and started to base his expectations on it. I think he also started to project certain body expectations from the porn he'd watch onto me. I for sure think it's rare for that to happen to people who watch porn, but it's definitely a real possibility.

Course he had some other issues up in the ol' noggin that probably didn't help, either.

Some people have a fetish for public sex/intimacy (getting off in front of others) or/and video-taping themselves. It doesn't mean their relationship is less meaningful. That's just what they like.

I totally agree. Like I said, it's not *always* a problem and *usually* it's not. But, my ex admitted to me that it skewed his perception. That's not to say a skewed perception is the rule, but it's a possibility. That's all I'm saying. :flowerforyou: