Serious question for men
_jayciemarie_
Posts: 574 Member
in Chit-Chat
I was with a guy for 3yrs. He wouldn't make a move on me unless he was drunk. If I initiated sex--he would have sex with me. He often would "take care of himself" in the shower or when I wasn't home. He thinks I didn't know--but I'm not an idiot. I feel I'm attractive and I never had complaints in that area before. He said he just wasn't interested in sex. So, why would he be interested when he was alone? My question--if you had it your way would you rather handle things yourself or would you rather have sex?
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Replies
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Sex, without a doubt.
And if he never initiates, then there are other problems. How does he seem when you do have sex? Is he enjoying it, or just going through the motions?
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I would eat bacon.0
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I would eat bacon.
Do you mean eat a bacon sandwich after the real thing or after you did yourself. Try to stay on point :laugh:
Not sure why but.......in!0 -
he might be gay. perhaps you should ask him?0
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Sex, without a doubt.
And if he never initiates, then there are other problems. How does he seem when you do have sex? Is he enjoying it, or just going through the motions?
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He treats it like it is a chore. I feel like we were opposites of stereotypical relationships. In society it is the man that wants sex and the woman comes up with excuses. We aren't together. I got tired of feeling like he didn't want me and feeling like something was wrong with me.0 -
^^ This.he might be gay. perhaps you should ask him?
You're a reasonably attractive woman, so other than him being gay, it makes no sense to me why he would deny himself of sex from you.0 -
make me ur bf...u will be happy!0
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^^ This.he might be gay. perhaps you should ask him?
You're a reasonably attractive woman, so other than him being gay, it makes no sense to me why he would deny himself of sex from you.
Honestly this is the route I'm going. Please don't judge me. I looked through the history on our computer. He was on porn sites, but they weren't gay. Doesnt mean he isn't. He said he had different priorities. But that DOESNT explain why when he DOES get the urge that he doesn't come to me! Especially when he knew how important it was to me. It is absolutely hard to not think something os wrong with me--and he didn't understand it.0 -
Sex, without a doubt.
And if he never initiates, then there are other problems. How does he seem when you do have sex? Is he enjoying it, or just going through the motions?
He treats it like it is a chore. I feel like we were opposites of stereotypical relationships. In society it is the man that wants sex and the woman comes up with excuses. We aren't together. I got tired of feeling like he didn't want me and feeling like something was wrong with me.
After reading your post again, I am not sure if you are still with this guy. Is he an ex-boyfriend, or current?
I'd say it might be low libido, but the constant mastubration contradicts that. Unfortunately the other thing which comes to mind is that perhaps he was more interested in someone else. If he won't discuss more in depth, then it might be time to move on.
**ETA**
Maybe he fears rejection. Maybe he has desires which he feels are strange, and fears that you would think less of him, if he told you about them. Speculation could be made for a lot of different things, but really, he needs to say more about what is going on.
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I'm sorry to hear that you're in this obviously painful situation. The fact that he handles it himself sometimes isn't necessarily a comment on you. It's possible, if not likely, that he would do the same thing regardless of who his relationship partner is.
And, to present a counterpoint to the prevailing opinion, sometimes handling it yourself is preferable. It's quick, easy and, after years of practice, a guy knows what he likes.0 -
He could have a porn addiction.
sorry you're going through this
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Sex.0
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Sex, without a doubt.
And if he never initiates, then there are other problems. How does he seem when you do have sex? Is he enjoying it, or just going through the motions?
He treats it like it is a chore. I feel like we were opposites of stereotypical relationships. In society it is the man that wants sex and the woman comes up with excuses. We aren't together. I got tired of feeling like he didn't want me and feeling like something was wrong with me.
After reading your post again, I am not sure if you are still with this guy. Is he an ex-boyfriend, or current?
I'd say it might be low libido, but the constant mastubration contradicts that. Unfortunately the other thing which comes to mind is that perhaps he was more interested in someone else. If he won't discuss more in depth, then it might be time to move on.
We were together for 3yrs. We ended things this week, but unfortunately we still live together until the 1st of the year. I just can't handle the fact that the one person I'm supposed to have sex with doesn't show interest in it with me. Then I made the mistake of saying "Now I know why people cheat". So then he thought I was whoring around. Just got tired of the damned if I do and damned if I don't life.0 -
How old is he? I heard some of the older guys say they rather do it themselves then have sex if it is boring to them. By boring I mean he is into some stuff beyond Vanilla and he doesn't know how to share it with you without being judged. I knew a guy who was into furry stuff and his gf didn't find out until like 4 years of dating, lucky for him she was willing to join and they ended up getting married.
The problem with porn it can get you interested into some freaky deaky stuff and most guys don't know how to go about expressing their desire to a partner they met on normal people circumstances.
So maybe watch what he is watching and see if you can get into it, otherwise move on.
If the picture on your profile are yours I think you are attractive and can get it. Unless there is an emotional element on something that happened between you too or with him and another person that is causing the block.0 -
"We were together for 3yrs. We ended things this week, but unfortunately we still live together until the 1st of the year. I just can't handle the fact that the one person I'm supposed to have sex with doesn't show interest in it with me. Then I made the mistake of saying "Now I know why people cheat". So then he thought I was whoring around. Just got tired of the damned if I do and damned if I don't life."
OMG whatever you do, don't have sex with him now! In fact, avoid him like the plague!! Besides him not being worth your time, you don't want to get something from him that you will have to live with. RUN.0 -
I'm 37 and he is 33. He cares about his career and sports. That is it.0
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^^ This.he might be gay. perhaps you should ask him?
You're a reasonably attractive woman, so other than him being gay, it makes no sense to me why he would deny himself of sex from you.
Honestly this is the route I'm going. Please don't judge me. I looked through the history on our computer. He was on porn sites, but they weren't gay. Doesnt mean he isn't. He said he had different priorities. But that DOESNT explain why when he DOES get the urge that he doesn't come to me! Especially when he knew how important it was to me. It is absolutely hard to not think something os wrong with me--and he didn't understand it.
I'm thinking it's more likely that he has low testosterone. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you or doesn't WANT to have sex, but the drive is missing because the testosterone is missing.0 -
make me ur bf...u will be happy!
well if you're offering I'm free.....no.....ok then....
maybe he just doesn't like the intimacy that goes along with sex. It's one thing to have an emotional connection but a physical connection that goes along with it is another. Maybe there's a deeper issue at play here. Was he ever abused or in a bad relationship in the past? Maybe that plays into the reason behind why he doesn't like the actual act of having sex. If you really love him I would say try to figure out if he's struggling and trying to make an effort to be with you and give you what you want and need. But if not then cut the ties that bind and move on. And doesn't place blame on yourself, I'm sure your a wonderful lover....
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probably nuts 2 fast-0
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I'm sorry to hear that you're in this obviously painful situation. The fact that he handles it himself sometimes isn't necessarily a comment on you. It's possible, if not likely, that he would do the same thing regardless of who his relationship partner is.
And, to present a counterpoint to the prevailing opinion, sometimes handling it yourself is preferable. It's quick, easy and, after years of practice, a guy knows what he likes.
Plus it is hard to say how often the OP has been initiating sex. It could have been sporadic so he simply got used to handling it himself most of the time, then she'd be disappointed when his needs were already taken care of and didn't initiate it with her.0 -
I'm 37 and he is 33. He cares about his career and sports. That is it.
Stressful job? His teams are doing bad? Those all can kill the Testosterone levels. Not sure what to say, maybe he is not making you happy in bed quality wise so he tries to avoid it?0 -
I was with a guy for 3yrs. He wouldn't make a move on me unless he was drunk. If I initiated sex--he would have sex with me. He often would "take care of himself" in the shower or when I wasn't home. He thinks I didn't know--but I'm not an idiot. I feel I'm attractive and I never had complaints in that area before. He said he just wasn't interested in sex. So, why would he be interested when he was alone? My question--if you had it your way would you rather handle things yourself or would you rather have sex?
So then initiate it all the time. Problem solved.0 -
Is it possible he has issues with feeling adequate? Many men struggle with insecurities. The sexual act can create pressure for a man to be "up to the task" that perhaps he is afraid of the feeling of not "doing it right". I don't know your relationship or him personally of course. When you have sex alone there is no pressure to do or be anything...you just do it. Just a thought.0
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He could be gay...?
I mean there are lots of reasons for this but...it seems like that could be within the realm of possibility.
But more likely he's just shy especially if it's while drunk? I've always been like that, well I was when I used to drink. I have a really hard time initiating sex but never came across a guy with that issue, however that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I was always pretty good a communicating from that start that I was really shy about initiating sex but that it wasn't about lack desire.
I am also on a medication that lowers my sex drive so that can be difficult too. So I'm not trying to say being gay is the only reason someone might not be initiating sex, just that it's a possibility.
Also I am not a man but...perspective is perspective? I think sex is a really important part of a relationship so if you're not satisfied it's probably better off you broke up. And I wouldn't spend a bunch of time analyzing the reasons for why he was lacking sex drive if you're not still dating0 -
I'm deeply amused at the people thinking he is gay.0
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Maybe he is addicted to porn. Maybe he is afraid of a close relationship.0
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I'm deeply amused at the people thinking he is gay.
I'm deeply amused that nobody can offer constructive advice despite the problem being obvious.0 -
I was with a guy for 3yrs. He wouldn't make a move on me unless he was drunk. If I initiated sex--he would have sex with me. He often would "take care of himself" in the shower or when I wasn't home. He thinks I didn't know--but I'm not an idiot. I feel I'm attractive and I never had complaints in that area before. He said he just wasn't interested in sex. So, why would he be interested when he was alone? My question--if you had it your way would you rather handle things yourself or would you rather have sex?
So then initiate it all the time. Problem solved.
I spent the first two years I initiating. Then I started getting rejected. So I quit initiating. It ruined the relationship. I can't really explain it but I WANT to feel WANTED. If I'm always initiating, I don't get that feeling.0 -
Maybe he is addicted to porn. Maybe he is afraid of a close relationship.
This.0 -
Maybe he wasn't attracted to you, although you ARE attractive. The guy is too scared to say anything and rather just plunge into it using alcohol. Sex, but I can't speak for anyone else and if they like to off themselves over sex, who's to judge them? Maybe you guys should try spicing things up, as well -- dildoes, porn, non-standard sex. Our try someone else.0
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