Serious question for men

wheird

I'm deeply amused at the people thinking he is gay.

I'm deeply amused that nobody can offer constructive advice despite the problem being obvious.

We're waiting.

OP was justified in splitting. Her boyfriend has somehow lost his natural manly tendencies (the how is not particularly important), and it will likely take years to rebuild even if he knew where to start.

It's our job as men to initiate. Not every time, but as a general it is preferred that we do, it's in part what makes a woman fell wanted. He isn't doing that, nor is he being sexually available generally. Those are both core functions as a man. She WILL find him less attractive as a result, no matter what other wonderful personality traits he possesses.

I agree that her splitting with him is justified.


But that isn't what the thread is about.

722_christina_722

I'm deeply amused at the people thinking he is gay.

I'm deeply amused that nobody can offer constructive advice despite the problem being obvious.

We're waiting.

OP was justified in splitting. Her boyfriend has somehow lost his natural manly tendencies (the how is not particularly important), and it will likely take years to rebuild even if he knew where to start.

It's our job as men to initiate. Not every time, but as a general it is preferred that we do, it's in part what makes a woman fell wanted. He isn't doing that, nor is he being sexually available generally. Those are both core functions as a man. She WILL find him less attractive as a result, no matter what other wonderful personality traits he possesses.

If she initiates full time, she will still find him less attractive than she would if he we were initiating. Availability is only partial credit.

Oh MisterUniverse.....Why are you not spreading the word to all the other men in the world!!! You do realize this is what every woman wants and needs! Without even knowing for certain, I would put money on the fact that you are either married, or very taken!

Madame_Goldbricker

I was with a guy for 3yrs. He wouldn't make a move on me unless he was drunk. If I initiated sex--he would have sex with me. He often would "take care of himself" in the shower or when I wasn't home. He thinks I didn't know--but I'm not an idiot. I feel I'm attractive and I never had complaints in that area before. He said he just wasn't interested in sex. So, why would he be interested when he was alone? My question--if you had it your way would you rather handle things yourself or would you rather have sex?

So then initiate it all the time. Problem solved.

I spent the first two years I initiating. Then I started getting rejected. So I quit initiating. It ruined the relationship. I can't really explain it but I WANT to feel WANTED. If I'm always initiating, I don't get that feeling.

Oh chick its a crappy pace to be in, but bottom line you wanting sex vs him not. Well probably better that you've called it a day. I don't think it really matters why he doesn't want/intiate sex. You'll probably never find out now. Time to move on and cut the losses.

mister_universe

I'm deeply amused at the people thinking he is gay.

I'm deeply amused that nobody can offer constructive advice despite the problem being obvious.

We're waiting.

OP was justified in splitting. Her boyfriend has somehow lost his natural manly tendencies (the how is not particularly important), and it will likely take years to rebuild even if he knew where to start.

It's our job as men to initiate. Not every time, but as a general it is preferred that we do, it's in part what makes a woman fell wanted. He isn't doing that, nor is he being sexually available generally. Those are both core functions as a man. She WILL find him less attractive as a result, no matter what other wonderful personality traits he possesses.

I agree that her splitting with him is justified.


But that isn't what the thread is about.

We're waiting.

TheLadyBane

I was with a guy for 3yrs. He wouldn't make a move on me unless he was drunk. If I initiated sex--he would have sex with me. He often would "take care of himself" in the shower or when I wasn't home. He thinks I didn't know--but I'm not an idiot. I feel I'm attractive and I never had complaints in that area before. He said he just wasn't interested in sex. So, why would he be interested when he was alone? My question--if you had it your way would you rather handle things yourself or would you rather have sex?

I am in a similar situation except I have been with my guy for 13 years. The last 5 years have been completely sexless. In the beginning things were amazing. Then I noticed I was initiating every encounter. Then my advances started being rebuffed... all the time. Eventually all intimacy disappeared from our relationship and we are essentially platonic. My guess would be my partner lacks self-confidence and has low TI. We have talked extensively about this with no improvement and no change. I have been supportive, warm, affectionate, and have encouraged him to see a doctor. I thought that because we loved each other there had to be a way to make our relationship work. I finally realized that there is only so much one person in a relationship can do. A sexual relationship just isn't important to my partner the way it is to me and knowing how important it is to me hasn't been motivation enough for him to go to a doctor or make any changes. Quite honestly I would tell you not to give more time to a relationship that is doomed to failure than you already have. I have to take my own advice and have a serious talk with my partner so that we can find the things that make us happy. I know I have to do this but I am finding it incredibly hard to find a way to have this conversation:(....

Timshel_

My question--if you had it your way would you rather handle things yourself or would you rather have sex?

Sometimes I just want something quick and without anything on my mind except my own satisfaction. Most the time that is not the case. I love sex. but I like other things more than just intercourse. One of those is taking care of things myself. I do it often enough even with an active love life with my wife.

lindapeterson42

I had a husband(now ex) who was older than me. We went over three years sexless and the marriage ended. That was not the only issue by far but it helped to break the camel's back. To this day I will never know why, but I did come to terms with the fact that it was NOT anything I did or did not do. It did however, kill my self esteem and it took me a long time to bounce back from it. Things went from active and happy to nothing. I am now remarried happily. However, an active (monogamous) sex life is still very important to me, not just for the obvious reason...but the intimacy in all other areas of the marriage that stems from it. I still feel I want more than he does most days..but as long as we are making the time for each other, and enjoying lots of other affection(cuddles, hand holding, etc) I am super content. No woman wants to be rejected when she makes a move...so men need to know that , because otherwise we ladies will stop initiating it, and start feeling insecure. Nothing wrong with the lady making the first move sometimes good luck to you. You're young still.

Timshel_

No woman wants to be rejected when she makes a move...so men need to know that

This is NOT just a female issue. Trust me.

Women, you reject a man enough times you destroy his confidence and self-esteem...and he will find others way to fill that void - porn, other women, drinking, etc.

wheird

I'm deeply amused at the people thinking he is gay.

I'm deeply amused that nobody can offer constructive advice despite the problem being obvious.

We're waiting.

OP was justified in splitting. Her boyfriend has somehow lost his natural manly tendencies (the how is not particularly important), and it will likely take years to rebuild even if he knew where to start.

It's our job as men to initiate. Not every time, but as a general it is preferred that we do, it's in part what makes a woman fell wanted. He isn't doing that, nor is he being sexually available generally. Those are both core functions as a man. She WILL find him less attractive as a result, no matter what other wonderful personality traits he possesses.

I agree that her splitting with him is justified.


But that isn't what the thread is about.

We're waiting.

On what?

ND_Figgzie

He may not be attracted to you anymore. After 3 years the spark may be gone. It may not be anything you are or aren't doing, it just sounds like you don't do it for him imo

sstan03

^^
this

when the relationship first started, was he initiating all the time or was it the same as at the end, Was he rejected frequently in the beginning? These are things that could play a role in his thinking he would just "handle" his business. I personally would rather have sex but can totally understand how rejection or a dead piece could make someone think the other option is better.

Rejection stinks and as someone before stated, if it happens enough, the person will stop trying and focus their attention elsewhere. I know this all too well. Having been married for 21 years and still am but it seems it is more out of a convenience than anything else. I got tired of no!

I am not saying this is what happened in the op's relationship but I am sharing that it can and does happen.

Cranquistador

I was with a guy for 3yrs. He wouldn't make a move on me unless he was drunk. If I initiated sex--he would have sex with me. He often would "take care of himself" in the shower or when I wasn't home. He thinks I didn't know--but I'm not an idiot. I feel I'm attractive and I never had complaints in that area before. He said he just wasn't interested in sex. So, why would he be interested when he was alone? My question--if you had it your way would you rather handle things yourself or would you rather have sex?

So then initiate it all the time. Problem solved.

This...this might be genius.

I like pragmatic solutions.

I completely and respectfully disagree. Problem not solved.

Chieflrg

In society it is the man that wants sex and the woman comes up with excuses.

Sorry just not true...Nearly every woman I have been with want sex more than me, and that is saying a lot.

He could have a porn addiction.

sorry you're going through this

This would be my guess.

Whatever reason it was he didn't feel a connection with you and he found (at least in his mind) an uncomplicated way of satisfying himself with not physically cheating on you. .

Glad you dropped him, everybody deserves to be shown love in every way possible.

sdbeachbum

Sex, without a doubt.

And if he never initiates, then there are other problems. How does he seem when you do have sex? Is he enjoying it, or just going through the motions?



.

He treats it like it is a chore. I feel like we were opposites of stereotypical relationships. In society it is the man that wants sex and the woman comes up with excuses. We aren't together. I got tired of feeling like he didn't want me and feeling like something was wrong with me.

omg I kid you not I have this same issue. I have to ask for it and even then its like, "ya, ok". He never initiates and I try all kinds of things. I NEVER get it unless I specifically ask and it sucks!! what a blow to the ego :ohwell: I need to read through the rest of the thread for some suggestions…. Thank you for posting!! I thought I was alone in this ps- EXACTLY what you said… I feel like I'm the one always ready to go and he's just like…. meh.

cmcollins001

So, do we know his mental state, his health, and any other factors that may be part of the problem...I tried to read the thread but got bored.

How old is he? What's his health like? Is he having problems like low testosterone?

He may not feel as though he can make you happy sexually, and no matter how hard he tries, he's not getting the reaction from you that he expects or wants. It may be that he expects a "porn experience" from you, in that the end result is loud and explosive, and when he doesn't get that, he doesn't feel as though he's performing to expectations. It may be that you aren't performing to his expectations and that sex is just going through the motions. It may be that he just doesn't want to put forth the effort for the "one and done" and if he takes care of himself, he gets the release without having to make sure you're needs are met.

Jumping to conclusions like assuming he's gay is a bit premature (another issue he may have, btw, that we don't know about). Sex, for a lot of older guys, is different than sex for someone who is in their teens, 20's or even 30's.

soldiergrl_101

Sex, without a doubt.

And if he never initiates, then there are other problems. How does he seem when you do have sex? Is he enjoying it, or just going through the motions?



.

He treats it like it is a chore. I feel like we were opposites of stereotypical relationships. In society it is the man that wants sex and the woman comes up with excuses. We aren't together. I got tired of feeling like he didn't want me and feeling like something was wrong with me.

You need to dump him, if hes taking care of himself all the time, and sex is a chore then he wants something else (girl or guy)

Beastmaster50

Maybe you two weren't sexually compatible. Every person who has had more than a few adult relationships has probably been the best sex for some and the worst others have had. He just didn't enjoy sex with you. Don't take that as an insult please, you two just didn't click.

Mitzki5

No need to answer this publicly but have you ever cheated or done something that would make him believe you were unfaithfull? Is there a chance he may be with another woman? Maybe his sexual needs are being taken care of by her but he has the emotional feelings for you? Just throwing that out there as a possibility.

Ninguneado77

He could have a porn addiction.

sorry you're going through this

Bingo!

lokepa

It is rooted in selfishness. He only cares about his needs. It is easier to take care of just himself than please you. You need to find someone that cares for your whole person, mind, body and spirit. He could be straight as an arrow but so hung up on porn etc. that he has an emotional disconnect with living breathing people.

On the contrary... and this is in no way an attempt to be critical of the OP... but sometimes it's the selfishness of your partner that makes sex less desirable. This is solely from my personal past experience... I adored my girlfriend... was sexually attracted to her... but she was really selfish in bed... I wanted to please her... get her "where she needed to be"... but it wasn't reciprocated. I was left out in the cold, needing to take care of things myself... after a while, I found myself cutting out the middle (wo)man... and eventually 86'd the relationship. I, too, was accused of being either gay or cheating at the end... Unfortunately, the selfishness can lead to bitterness... leading to disinterest.