New traditions for the holidays not going well

SpecialKitty7

my brother had the exact situation. 1/2 of my family (after parents divorce, we kind of have two separate factions) was okay with it, but her family and the other half of ours went wild. once he had the little one, he did the same explaining, but agreed to follow "tradition" and make it to all the family parties. after one holiday of toddler meltdowns (i mean its really cruel to give the kid a toy and then tell him he can't play with it, because we gotta go) everyone meets at his house now. i say forge your own traditions, if they don't want to play along, that's their problem. at some point their holiday traditions probably pissed off their parents too.

rml_16

My brother is an *kitten*, but that’s not new to me. But the fact that I’m ruining xmas for my dad breaks my heart.

Sorry, but your dad is ruining Christmas for himself.

abeare

My brother is an *kitten*, but that’s not new to me. But the fact that I’m ruining xmas for my dad breaks my heart.
How does everyone else deal with too many family obligations over the holidays? And still have a xmas for their kids? My poor husband will be driving 6hours in a 24 hour period on his first day off in 15days to make everyone happy. I don’t want my kid to think the holidays are about a quick stop in at family’s houses to get presents then off to the next place.

Have you talked to your dad?? Or do you just have what your brother said to go on...seems to me you should talk to Dad directly..could be brother is overexaggerating. Just a thought, since that tends to be what happens in my family. I now host because I have children and after the first year my parents couldn't be happier to have the craziness and mess at my place instead of theirs. Good Luck!

I tried to talk to my dad but he`s the type of person who is afraid to ruffle feathers so he says everything is fine then complains about it to my mom and everyone else. My brother isn’t the only one to tell me he wasn’t happy about the arrangement, my mother did too. My mother isn’t excited about changing the traditions or having to be the one to travel almost two hours but she understands that this allows her to spend more quality time with her grandson and so she was going to make the trip whether my dad was grumpy or not. But when my brother added how upset he was at the change I just felt like I was making everyone unhappy with the new arrangements. I actually thought my brother would prefer this option since we live 10 minutes away from each other so his travel time would also be reduced.

mamaleftwich

When my children were little, and my sister had children as well, my parents came to us. It was just the two of them and it made no sense for us to pack-up everything so that the kids could have what Santa brought for them and then have to re-pack the stuff back up and take it home! When they were infants and toddlers, it wasn't that bad, because they really didn't understand what was going on but when they started getting older it was just to hard so my parents agreed to travel to us. I understand that your father is upset, our parents were as well, but when they realized all that it entailed for us to get to them, they just agreed to the change and once they did it, they were fine with it! I hope that you can and your family can come to an agreement, but you shouldn't (in my opinion), make things harder for your husband, child and yourself you all are now a family and you all now have to start making traditions for your son to follow!

amberkeever1

We just say that we like to have Christmas in our house. My husband, daughter, and me live in MD while my family is in FL and his family is in NC. We Went for Thanksgiving this year to NC and my family drove up so we were all together. I fly down once or twice a year to FL and we have been to NC 4x this year. Oy!! A lot of work but it quiets my crazy MIL since every year she tries to get us to come down. I usually invite her and my FIL up so we get our Christmas at home When we can finally relocate back down south we will spend the morning at our house and visit during the afternoon but until then my Husband and I want our daughter to have her memories be in her home. You gotta just do what you feel best about doing. Your Husband and baby come first everyone else is secondary. I'd suggest talking to your Hubby because he may not feel like driving and that would ease your "family guilt". That being said, I don't think your selfish at all

Contrarian

When I was little, my parents would take us to my uncle's place for Christmas. We liked going to visit for Christmas.

Travelling to see relatives on Christmas is normal. If you want to change the way your family does things, that's up to you. I am just amazed at some of the outrage from people who think taking small children to see their grandparents or whomever is a huge deal. It's not. In fact, it could be argued that not having to do all the cleaning, preparation and cooking makes for an easier day.

rml_16

When I was little, my parents would take us to my uncle's place for Christmas. We liked going to visit for Christmas.

Travelling to see relatives on Christmas is normal. If you want to change the way your family does things, that's up to you. I am just amazed at some of the outrage from people who think taking small children to see their grandparents or whomever is a huge deal. It's not. In fact, it could be argued that not having to do all the cleaning, preparation and cooking makes for an easier day.

I'm thinking it would be much less of an issue if they weren't having to go to two different Christmases with both families.

My father grew up Jewish, so we only ever had to do one Christmas (my mom's side). We didn't go every year (three hours away), but I can't imagine it would have been much fun traveling all over the place. We went to one place and stayed there. Same when my daughter was little since her father wasn't involved.

Thanksgiving, we just went to one place, too. Some years it was at our house, some years it was with my mom's family and some years my dad's.

Personally, I would rather do the cooking and cleaning and not have to travel. Now we usually go to my fiance's mom's house an hour away and I just don't like it. They've come to us once in eight years.

abeare

Growing up, we always went to church on Christmas Eve (the early 4pm Mass), and then over to my dad's parents' house for Christmas with his side of the family (sometimes all his sibs were there, sometimes not). Christmas morning, we opened presents from Santa and mom & dad. Then we headed over to my mom's parents' house around noon-1pm for Christmas with her side of the family (all the sibs were there until my one aunt and uncle moved to NC). Granted, outside of my one aunt and uncle who moved to NC, no one in the family had to drive any longer than 20 minutes to get anywhere, as we all lived in the same town.

This is what I wish we could do, my husband’s family does the 24th, but because we work and most of them are farmers they have to go to the 9pm mass. So by the time we get there its 7pm and we plan on letting our son stay up til 9pm (if he makes it) then we go home while they continue to celebrate. This is why they want a little more time with us and are more than willing to come to our place (they`re only 45 minutes away whereas my parents are closer to 2hrs). This is also something that upsets my parents, they feel like we`re still going to that party so why is it there`s that’s getting changed.

abeare

after one holiday of toddler meltdowns (i mean its really cruel to give the kid a toy and then tell him he can't play with it, because we gotta go)

lol, i can sooooo see that happening!

hbrittingham

My brother is an *kitten*, but that’s not new to me. But the fact that I’m ruining xmas for my dad breaks my heart.
How does everyone else deal with too many family obligations over the holidays? And still have a xmas for their kids? My poor husband will be driving 6hours in a 24 hour period on his first day off in 15days to make everyone happy. I don’t want my kid to think the holidays are about a quick stop in at family’s houses to get presents then off to the next place.

So, you haven't actually talked to your dad about this? Could your brother be manipulating you by telling you that your dad is so upset? I think the first thing you need to do is call your dad and talk to him about it.

librarysteg

Like others have been saying, now that you have a child it's your turn to start your own Christmas traditions, and you deserve to make those traditions whatever you want them to be. If that means staying home so your child can have a leisurely morning with his new toys, there's nothing wrong with that. That being said, it is hard when traditions change so I understand your dad being upset. I grew up with my grandma and grandpa and Christmas for me was always my extended family coming over for a big feast and festivities on Christmas Eve. This started to change after my grandpa passed away and my grandma couldn't really handle hosting any more. I was in college at this point and had one Christmas where I was a pouty brat because I was sad about *my* Christmas changing. I got over it and so will your dad.

hbrittingham

My brother is an *kitten*, but that’s not new to me. But the fact that I’m ruining xmas for my dad breaks my heart.
How does everyone else deal with too many family obligations over the holidays? And still have a xmas for their kids? My poor husband will be driving 6hours in a 24 hour period on his first day off in 15days to make everyone happy. I don’t want my kid to think the holidays are about a quick stop in at family’s houses to get presents then off to the next place.

Have you talked to your dad?? Or do you just have what your brother said to go on...seems to me you should talk to Dad directly..could be brother is overexaggerating. Just a thought, since that tends to be what happens in my family. I now host because I have children and after the first year my parents couldn't be happier to have the craziness and mess at my place instead of theirs. Good Luck!

I tried to talk to my dad but he`s the type of person who is afraid to ruffle feathers so he says everything is fine then complains about it to my mom and everyone else. My brother isn’t the only one to tell me he wasn’t happy about the arrangement, my mother did too. My mother isn’t excited about changing the traditions or having to be the one to travel almost two hours but she understands that this allows her to spend more quality time with her grandson and so she was going to make the trip whether my dad was grumpy or not. But when my brother added how upset he was at the change I just felt like I was making everyone unhappy with the new arrangements. I actually thought my brother would prefer this option since we live 10 minutes away from each other so his travel time would also be reduced.

Okay, I just read this part. Your family is being passive aggressive and you need to decide whether you are going to continue to bow down to their wishes, or if you will create your new traditions.

As a counselor once told me, you can't change another persons behavior, you can only change your reaction to that behavior.

abeare

When I was little, my parents would take us to my uncle's place for Christmas. We liked going to visit for Christmas.

Travelling to see relatives on Christmas is normal. If you want to change the way your family does things, that's up to you. I am just amazed at some of the outrage from people who think taking small children to see their grandparents or whomever is a huge deal. It's not. In fact, it could be argued that not having to do all the cleaning, preparation and cooking makes for an easier day.

We`d go to see family in the afternoon too as kids, but it was always my dad side of the family as my mother doesn’t talk to hers so they never had to manage their time. Also the furthest we travelled was 10 minutes.
I don’t have an issue with going to them, my issue is in having to rush our time with them because we`re expected elsewhere. It would be easier if we didn’t have far to go because most of our time is spent in the car rather than visiting, but that’s not our situation.

Pelly57

You need to have a conversation with your dad. Ask him about your family Christmases when you were little. Ask him about how it felt to watch you open your presents and spend time together on holidays. Appeal to his sentimental side and tell him you want that for your own child. Then, work with him to plan something special the day before or after the holidays. Try to give your family their own celebration. I'm guessing that's what's bothering your dad the most - that you are combining with your inlaws. Give him his own day/time and it should help smooth things out.

This. Talk this over with your parents, not your brother.

We didn't have a lot of family around us when my kids were small. My mom was about the only one, but there were 8 siblings to deal with. She claimed Christmas Eve. That worked very well for all of us, she got to see the grandkids open their presents from each other and we all had our Christmas mornings to ourselves . The added bonus was getting home late enough on Christmas Eve that the kids pretty much zonked out easily. Some of the other sibs then would do Christmas dinner at the other side of the family.

Now that I am the grandparent, I try to do the same thing, but be flexible. Some years I have hosted Christmas brunch because that's what worked for everyone. I'm not so hung up on having my time staked out, just want to make sure that I see everyone I love this time of year. I'm betting that's whats most important to your parents also.

Collier78

My brother is an *kitten*, but that’s not new to me. But the fact that I’m ruining xmas for my dad breaks my heart.
How does everyone else deal with too many family obligations over the holidays? And still have a xmas for their kids? My poor husband will be driving 6hours in a 24 hour period on his first day off in 15days to make everyone happy. I don’t want my kid to think the holidays are about a quick stop in at family’s houses to get presents then off to the next place.

Have you talked to your dad?? Or do you just have what your brother said to go on...seems to me you should talk to Dad directly..could be brother is overexaggerating. Just a thought, since that tends to be what happens in my family. I now host because I have children and after the first year my parents couldn't be happier to have the craziness and mess at my place instead of theirs. Good Luck!

I tried to talk to my dad but he`s the type of person who is afraid to ruffle feathers so he says everything is fine then complains about it to my mom and everyone else. My brother isn’t the only one to tell me he wasn’t happy about the arrangement, my mother did too. My mother isn’t excited about changing the traditions or having to be the one to travel almost two hours but she understands that this allows her to spend more quality time with her grandson and so she was going to make the trip whether my dad was grumpy or not. But when my brother added how upset he was at the change I just felt like I was making everyone unhappy with the new arrangements. I actually thought my brother would prefer this option since we live 10 minutes away from each other so his travel time would also be reduced.

Sounds more and more like my dad as you say more...My dad didn't understand the concept your mom has gotten already...it took a little time, but he came around and now they bring side dishes and spend Christmas morning and the rest of the day at my house. Some traditions are made to be modified...They had to make a decision of what to do for the holiday when you were young, and now it's your turn. This isn't about hurting anyone, but doing what is best for the majority..it sounds like your dad and your brother just want to complain, and the fact that your dad will lie to you about being fine instead of coming clean isn't very mature... :-( I would do what is best for YOU and your immediate family..especially since your in laws seem to be ok with it. I will probably get flak for this but You can't please everybody all of the time, and it sounds like those two are the only opposing parties..

TheRoadDog

Every year, Christmas is at OUR house. Tha'ts the way it is. I will make adjustmenta as far as the timing goes. This year I even changed it to Christmas Brunch instead of Dinner to accommodate travelling, timing and other commitments. But, it is always going to be at OUR house.

Having said that, I realize my daughters are going to create traditions of their own. I'm fine with it. They are going to have to divide their time between their family, their husbands/significant other's families and, sometimes, they may just want to spend the time alone, together.

I want them to come when they want to be there. If they have other things to do, they don't have to feel obligated. It's just another day. There are 364 more days in a year to see each other, if that particular day becomes too stressful.

Collier78

Every year, Christmas is at OUR house. Tha'ts the way it is. I will make adjustmenta as far as the timing goes. This year I even changed it to Christmas Brunch instead of Dinner to accommodate travelling, timing and other commitments. But, it is always going to be at OUR house.

Having said that, I realize my daughters are going to create traditions of their own. I'm fine with it. They are going to have to divide their time between their family, their husbands/significant other's families and, sometimes, they may just want to spend the time alone, together.

I want them to come when they want to be there. If they have other things to do, they don't have to feel obligated. It's just another day. There are 364 more days in a year to see each other, if that particular day becomes too stressful.

Do you have grandchildren yet? You sound so much like my dad with the OUR house stuff..it makes me wonder...I'm going to state that I'm not trying to be rude or start an arguement, but I recognize no emotion in texts so I don't want you take this wrong. :-) Once I had children, as my brother has none, the OUR house rule changed when my dad realized if he wanted to see his grandkids open Christmas presents or spend more than an hour with them on Christmas day, coming to my house was the way that was going to happen..it's the same with Thanksgiving. I host both. With 3 kids, one of which is an infant, it's just easier. Especially if my in laws come up from Oklahoma, think 11 hour drive. Your tune might change when their are grandbabies involved and it may be harder on your daughters to make the time. Merry Christmas!

abeare

Thank you to everyone that commented, I took a lot of your advice and spoke with my husband. We will be telling my family that we won’t be traveling Christmas day, but that everyone is welcome at our place. I will be making the trek to see everyone during the holidays so that I get to have one on one time with each of them (thanks to many of you for that suggestion). I know there will be some people not happy with this (my father and brother basically) but given that 40some people are fine and only the two aren’t, not to mention my son will get to have all the people he loves and who love him under one roof, is the reason I’m doing this.

I want to sit down with my father and explain that I want my son to have what he gave me as a kid. Not just great memories of the holidays but a real understanding that the holiday is a time spent with family and about giving, not about going door to door to get presents (that’s Halloween lol). I really hope he understands, and thank you to those that reminded me that he had to start new traditions when I was born and so I will remind him of that and ask that he tries to remember what that was like.

As for my brother, I’m not too sure if he`ll understand. He`s the ultimate bachelor type so I don’t really know how he`ll be able to relate to my situation or understand why I’m doing this, but I’ll try to talk to him.

Wishing you all a drama free holiday season!

TheRoadDog

Every year, Christmas is at OUR house. Tha'ts the way it is. I will make adjustmenta as far as the timing goes. This year I even changed it to Christmas Brunch instead of Dinner to accommodate travelling, timing and other commitments. But, it is always going to be at OUR house.

Having said that, I realize my daughters are going to create traditions of their own. I'm fine with it. They are going to have to divide their time between their family, their husbands/significant other's families and, sometimes, they may just want to spend the time alone, together.

I want them to come when they want to be there. If they have other things to do, they don't have to feel obligated. It's just another day. There are 364 more days in a year to see each other, if that particular day becomes too stressful.

Do you have grandchildren yet? You sound so much like my dad with the OUR house stuff..it makes me wonder...I'm going to state that I'm not trying to be rude or start an arguement, but I recognize no emotion in texts so I don't want you take this wrong. :-) Once I had children, as my brother has none, the OUR house rule changed when my dad realized if he wanted to see his grandkids open Christmas presents or spend more than an hour with them on Christmas day, coming to my house was the way that was going to happen..it's the same with Thanksgiving. I host both. With 3 kids, one of which is an infant, it's just easier. Especially if my in laws come up from Oklahoma, think 11 hour drive. Your tune might change when their are grandbabies involved and it may be harder on your daughters to make the time. Merry Christmas!

I don't take offense. Yes, I do have two granddaughters. I am close with all my daughters and granddaughters. So is my wife. The point I was trying to make, was that, as a person grows up they will develop their own traditions.

I do not want Christmas to be stressful and I understand that there are times when my girls will have other plans. I am fine with that. In a few years we will be retiring and moving about 1,200 miles away. That may make Christmas even harder to accommodate, but it won;t change how much I love my girls. Chistmas is just one day a year. If scheduling doesn't permit us to get together on that one day, then we'll get together on one of the other 364.

Collier78

Every year, Christmas is at OUR house. Tha'ts the way it is. I will make adjustmenta as far as the timing goes. This year I even changed it to Christmas Brunch instead of Dinner to accommodate travelling, timing and other commitments. But, it is always going to be at OUR house.

Having said that, I realize my daughters are going to create traditions of their own. I'm fine with it. They are going to have to divide their time between their family, their husbands/significant other's families and, sometimes, they may just want to spend the time alone, together.

I want them to come when they want to be there. If they have other things to do, they don't have to feel obligated. It's just another day. There are 364 more days in a year to see each other, if that particular day becomes too stressful.

Do you have grandchildren yet? You sound so much like my dad with the OUR house stuff..it makes me wonder...I'm going to state that I'm not trying to be rude or start an arguement, but I recognize no emotion in texts so I don't want you take this wrong. :-) Once I had children, as my brother has none, the OUR house rule changed when my dad realized if he wanted to see his grandkids open Christmas presents or spend more than an hour with them on Christmas day, coming to my house was the way that was going to happen..it's the same with Thanksgiving. I host both. With 3 kids, one of which is an infant, it's just easier. Especially if my in laws come up from Oklahoma, think 11 hour drive. Your tune might change when their are grandbabies involved and it may be harder on your daughters to make the time. Merry Christmas!

I don't take offense. Yes, I do have two granddaughters. I am close with all my daughters and granddaughters. So is my wife. The point I was trying to make, was that, as a person grows up they will develop their own traditions.

I do not want Christmas to be stressful and I understand that there are times when my girls will have other plans. I am fine with that. In a few years we will be retiring and moving about 1,200 miles away. That may make Christmas even harder to accommodate, but it won;t change how much I love my girls. Chistmas is just one day a year. If scheduling doesn't permit us to get together on that one day, then we'll get together on one of the other 364.

Awesome! I like that attitude! My dad did not have that attitude about it..LOL he does now though. I think it's great you are able to recognize the new traditions and maintain your relationships with your girls and their families!