'You mean a lot to me, BUT...'

catnipburrito

*DISCLAIMER: Sorry, this is very long but have written it as coherently as possible and spaced it out into readable chunks*

Basically, I've been seeing this guy at uni for two months now (He is 20 and I'm 22), so everything has been fine - been spending most of our time together, sex life is beyond great, he's introduced me to all his friends at uni and been talking about me and what random stuff we've been doing to his friends back home - so I think 'Aw, I like how this is going - it's been an awesome two months!' But we hadn't had the 'Do we want to stay casual or make it exclusive' talk, so I thought I'd broach the subject...

So I decided to ask him when we were next spending time together, watching a movie at his. I ask, 'What do you see me as?'
He goes 'I see you as a very intelligent, funny and beautiful individual' and gave me a kiss. So I then go, 'I mean what do you see me as? Cause when people ask me if we're together and I say no, they say 'so are you just **** buddies then' and I don't like that phrase, and I don't want to be just a friend with benefits, I want more than that'

He then paused for a bit

Then replied with 'I really like you, but I'm **** at relationships'
So I was like 'Me too' (As he knows my past relationships haven't been the easiest) and he replied with 'Well that's a recipe for disaster then isn't it, hahaha'

So I got up, started to get my stuff together and remarked that I should leave (He'd already mentioned that he was going out later that evening with some of his guy mates so I wouldn't be able to stick around all evening), so he tried to make a joke out of it and was like 'Oh was it something I said hahaha'

I went for the door, turned around and said something like 'Cheers for being honest with me. At least now I can actually get on with my life like a normal person instead of spending a lot of my time thinking about whether you actually like me or whether you're just taking me for a ride' and turned to leave

And he called after me 'No, wait, come back'
So I closed the door
And sat on the edge of the bed

He pulled me close to him and said 'Look I was kind of being cryptic, I find it difficult saying things sometimes and I make jokes out of everything'
So I got irritated and replied with something along the lines of

'You think that I find it easy? I hate feeling like this, so vulnerable, I just feel stupid and silly for actually telling you how it is, I'm just a massive pussbag when it comes to talking about things that actually matter to me, things that I actually care about not ****ing up'

So he replied with
'Hey, you're none of those things, stupid, silly, pussbag, whatever. I really, really like you. You mean a lot to me. So much. I knew that you were going to mean a lot to me, that night I first met you and started talking to you'

I reply with 'It's just because I like the same stupid **** that you like'

So he goes 'No, even though we are so similar and in tune with each other, it's scary sometimes - it's not that. Its just the feelings I get when I'm around you. Like you lift my mood so much and it feels like I've known you forever. I really like you, so much. But its like, I'm **** at relationships and I need to sort myself out before I can jump in at the deep end and do the whole boyfriend thing. It's like I've just moved to a whole different place, and I've started uni and its just adjusting to being away from home. I need to have that sorted before I can be in a relationship' (This is true, as we go to uni in North Wales - he moved here from Liverpool and me from London)

Then he sort of looked into my eyes and stroked my hair for a while before getting all embarrassed and saying 'Right, you need to shoo, I need to get ready to go out - I'll give you a text later'

So since then, nothing's changed - we're still texting each other and hanging out as normal.
In fact last night, he took me to A&E as I was poorly and he stayed by my side for the whole 12hrs I was hospitalised - so when I got out, I thanked him and he was kind of like 'It's okay, don't mention it, that's what friends are for' - I kinda just rationalised this as him being a nice person as he'd already spent time with another pal who was in hospital earlier that day (His response to that was 'I care about my friends, I'd hope they'd do the same for me')

I'm just really confused. I'm too old to be spending my time agonising over whether a guy likes me or not, I'm in my 20's for ***** sake.

Do you guys think that he's just being honest and doesn't want a relationship right now, or do you think he's just taking me for a ride and just wants me for the physical part of our friendship?

I am SO sorry that this is so long!

randomtai

He's taking you for a ride. Get out while you still have self respect.

climbing_trees

It is 2013, a girl can ask a guy to be her boyfriend. What are you waiting for?
Go straight for it!

I don't think you're gonna get anything out of him unless you ask real direct questions.
This is always my regret when dealing with new relationships, I wish I just asked it right away. "Do you wanna be a couple?" or something like that, instead if hinting about it and being awkward and waiting for them to bring it up.

Good luck

uconnwinsnc

This kind of stuff happens in real life? That sounded like a scene from an AMC series.

donyellemoniquex3

He's taking you for a ride. Get out while you still have self respect.

QFDT

Madame_Goldbricker

Oh, I have tried to convince myself on something similar-ish to this many moons ago, and its not a fun place to be.

However what I now tell myself is..

If a bloke wants to be with you. Then he will be, NOTHING is going to stop him. It's not that he's worried about hurting you, it's not that he's worried about spoiling the friendship, or any of the other billion reasons a women justifies it in her head. Bottom line if he's saying he doesn't want a relationship then he doesn't want one with you. Unfortunately that doesn't equate that he won't find someone he does want one with. You need to stop WASTING YOUR TIME & cut him loose. Sorry :flowerforyou:

CometMeebru

To be honest, you seem like a drama queen.

He told you how he feels, you didn't like it, and then overreacted....

Get over it. You're in university, why would you WANT a relationship?

BrainyBurro

He's taking you for a ride. Get out while you still have self respect.

^ this.

if you want to be exclusive with him, tell him.

if he says "no", then you have your answer.

it's all very simple.

you don't have to try and be a mind reader when you can simply ask a question and get an answer. it's much easier that way.

be prepared no matter what the answer is though. don't assume he's going to say "yes" and then be devastated when he says "no". that'll just guilt him into saying "yes" when he won't actually mean it or follow through on it.

also, you're both very young. you're still learning this whole "dance" between men and women, and to be honest, there is still lots of silly and stupid game playing at that age, so you will have to navigate those seas until you're a bit older and people get tired of playing games and simply go after what they want without mincing words.

ironanimal

Going to be an unpopular opinion, but he's not ready to make a permenant commitment yet and you're putting him under pressure to do so at a moment's notice.

Schedule a date to REALLY talk through this sticking point, and then decide whether you think he's taking you for a spin. IMO you're overreacting, but I could be wrong and he could be being a ****.

WeepingAngel81

I didn't read it. If you had to type all of this out and ask strangers what they think you should do, the answers seems blindingly obvious.

JoRocka

None of those things

it's been two months.

You gladly say you're f**cking for fun.

I'm not really sure what you expected.

I'm all for fun and fun only- but that needs to be established ahead of time.

I *kitten* for fun and have sex and make love to someone I care about. (And when I'm angry I *kitten* people I care about) that's how it goes.

If you wanted to be serious the premise of the relationship should have started as that- now your in no man's land doing whatever because it wasn't clear from the start if it was bang buddies or you had interests of going somewhere with it.

Magic 8 ball says he's stringing you along. I'd back off and stop texting him as much- if you never had a DTR talk... go see someone else casually for drinks.


At some point you need to decide if you want to date or not- clearly you do- so either tell him that and let him tell you.


But 2 months is nothing in the dating world- I would just continue to be casual but withdraw a little. Getting serious takes time.

mteague277

He is only 20. I can't blame him for not wanting something so serious. But if you do- it's time to move on. Date other people, or be single, but if you don't like the in between thing then you should probably end things completely with him. Always be upfront with your potential mates. If you are looking for a relationship or know you suck at being casual, make it known. Maybe try dating a little older, most 20 year old guys don't want a girlfriend.

michellekicks

Stop sleeping with people who are not committed to you... if commitment is what you want *shrug*.

DavPul

I dunno, but it sounds like she was taking him for just as much of a ride as he was her. Why do people always make the female out to be the passive victim in these situations. They are both NSA partners, she asks about relationships and he says "nah" and she says "yeah, me neither" but somehow she should drop the jerk???

Matt24442

I dunno, but it sounds like she was taking him for just as much of a ride as he was her. Why do people always make the female out to be the passive victim in these situations. They are both NSA partners, she asks about relationships and he says "nah" and she says "yeah, me neither" but somehow she should drop the jerk???

VICTIM BLAMING!!!!!!! ALLL men are a-holes, don't you know this?

PikaKnight

To be honest, you seem like a drama queen.

He told you how he feels, you didn't like it, and then overreacted....

Get over it. You're in university, why would you WANT a relationship?

^This

I dunno, but it sounds like she was taking him for just as much of a ride as he was her. Why do people always make the female out to be the passive victim in these situations. They are both NSA partners, she asks about relationships and he says "nah" and she says "yeah, me neither" but somehow she should drop the jerk???

^And this.

OP, just stay single and celibate. You need to focus on growing up a bit and being secure in your education/career..not to mention with yourself.

Otterluv

I agree that you sound like you were being dramatic. I think that you may want to work on your communication skills so that you can have an adult exchange, and reach an honest understanding, rather than not hearing what you want to hear and just getting upset.

LoraF83

I agree that you sound like you were being dramatic. I think that you may want to work on your communication skills so that you can have an adult exchange, and reach an honest understanding, rather than not hearing what you want to hear and just getting upset.

And I also think you need to learn to be a little patient. You're 22. He's 20. It's been 2 months. That isn't very long at all.

candiceh3

You are both drama queens.

BlueBombers

And I also think you need to learn to be a little patient. You're 22. He's 20. It's been 2 months. That isn't very long at all.

^ this...you guys are just kids...enjoy being young and single.

sjohnny

I don't know how good of an idea it is to be spending time with someone that has so many friends that end up in the hospital. Seems like he has some bad juju going on or something.