I Hate Myself

auteurfille22

I'm sure people post this sort of thing all the time. And I'm not even sure what I'm looking for or what sorts of responses I'm expecting to get, if any. But I'm at an all-time low, and I need to vent and complain, so if you're even just reading this, thanks.

I hate myself. I look in the mirror, and see my belly fat hanging over my waistband, with my gigantic elephant thighs and flabby butt, and just feel like I'm the ugliest, most disgusting glob of human being ever. Like if someone would cut me open all that would come out is oozing fat, because most of the time, that's all I see.

But then it's more than that. My appearance reminds me of my lack of self-control. Because really, I must be five years old or something because who can't find it in them to say no to the fifth cookie or the tenth spoonful of sugar? I already feel full and I still eat another helping at every meal. I don't even know why. It's instant gratification, I guess. I want something tasty, and I see it, and I eat it. And then I feel guilty. It's this endless cycle that I can't seem to put a stop to because I have no self-discipline. I just can't say "no." The only way to lose weight that has ever worked is for me to be so restrictive that I can't eat anything. I go for hours without eating and then binge on 1200 calories worth of stuff and that's my day. That's how I've lost 16 pounds this past year. And now, I've just lost it. In terms of habits, I'm right where I was a year ago. I eat anything and everything in sight, and at the end of the day I just feel miserable and sick and worthless. But I don't know how to stop. I live in a house with three other people, so I can't get rid of the bad food around me.

And yet, I know it's my fault. I should have the motivation. I should have the self-control. And I don't know why I don't, or how I'm supposed to get it. I'm sitting here dying to go and binge but instead I'm trying to write this post. Every night I resolve that tomorrow will be better. And then it isn't. At the rate I'm going, I'm just going to gain back everything I've lost and then some. I'm so frustrated and sometimes all I want to do is cry. And then I feel stupid, because really, there are so many worse problems in the world and my life could be so much worse and yet I hate myself so much that it seems like everything else in my life is equally awful. There are more important things in life than being skinny. But I can't seem to remember that every time I step on the scale or look in the mirror. And yet, when I'm around food, the ONLY thought that goes through my head is "EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT." I am a failure.

GingerLolita

I think most people on here struggle with this; otherwise, we probably wouldn't be here!

I find it helpful to log everything before I eat. If I see the calories before I eat, I'll already feel guilty, and then I'll remember that what I'm about to eat isn't worth feeling bad about it. If you plan in advance, you'll go into it with a better sense of control. I plan each day ahead of time, which helps me avoid binges.

I also struggle with my body image and it's definitely true that being skinny isn't everything. I've shifted my focus to trying to eat and be healthier instead.

nomeejerome

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

tworthen79

I've always said it's easier to lose weight then changing your mind set.
Dropping weight IMO is easier compared to re teaching/changing one's life long habits. Some even lose the weight and still see themselves as obese. I think you need to possibly start fixing yourself inside as well as outside. Go talk to a doctor, someone at your church, a friend....anyone whom you trust and who can help you stay healthy mentally. Take time for you, whether it be shopping, reading self help books, hanging with friends. And slowly incorporate a healthier lifestyle. If you drink 4 cokes a day go down to 2. If you have a burger at lunch try a turkey burger instead. Sometimes jumping right in, isn't always the best option. Good luck!!

19TaraLynn84

I can completely relate to you! We need to be friends! A look in the mirror disgusts me. As you said, it's our own fault. But still, I understand exactly what you are saying about the binging. I can eat great all day, but at the end of the day, I can eat everything ins ight. I can't really explain it, but obviously, you know that urge. I have noticed myself getting slowly better about it just by logging my calories. If I don't log them, I really will go overboard. But having that visual reminder of how I am actually putting in my mouth is making a difference. Keep at it! I'm going to send you a friend request.

Hauntinglyfit

Do you exercise at all? That might help you change your mindset about food. You'll start thinking of it as fuel for your workouts rather than something to be avoided/binge on.

Plan ahead. Plan your meals for tomorrow right now. Cook it, portion it, put it in tupperware and stick to it.

If all else fails, talk to a professional.

startingtoday94

Reading this actually made me tear up a little bit because it felt like i was reading my own life.

Everything you said, i struggle with too. From not being able to turn away food even though your full… to feeling guilty about complaining because there are people out there facing much worse. ALL ME! lol

Apparently its a pretty common thing… from what i’ve been reading…what we did wrong was over restrict in the first place! we’ve messed up our bodies a bit.

I’m so sorry i don’t know the solution! But i just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. Seriously everything you said is me lol.

All the best! Keep trying! message me if you need to chat xxx

ps. try to remember than just because you had a few treats doesn’t mean you should just binge and start ‘fresh’ tomorrow. i know that’ s easier said than done

Charis_Sophia

:flowerforyou: Hang in there and keep coming back. {{{hugs}}}

tlassig

I understand some of your concerns. Your comment "I am a failure" is not really true though. It is an easy and common error to say that because we find ourselves doing certain behaviors ("can't find it in them to say no to the fifth cookie") that the behavior is who we are. Certainly behaviors affect us and can lead to certain places, but from your progress, it looks like you are moving in the right direction. Change is challenging. Changing our approach to food is one of the most challenging. If you were trying to quit drugs, or some other harmful behavior, you can simply leave the place, people and situations where you might want to participate in that behavior. But you can't just avoid food, you have to eat every day. However, just because it is challenging doesn't mean it isn't worth it. The fact is that you have made progress. Don't worry about "being skinny" or worrying about what other people think about your looks. This is about your health, your life and your future. Even if it takes the rest of your life, any progress in a positive direction will only help with other aspects of your life. You aren't alone. I think all of us here on my fitness pal get what you are saying and only wish you the best. I would give yourself a huge break, especially since it is holiday season and all the good/bad food is everywhere.

WisiPls

too long; didn't read

Don't put food on a pedestal, and learn how to control your life

kirstynnx

I swear I could have written this myself. But remember that permanent change is super gradual, so be patient with yourself. Youre going to go through periods like this, and they seem endless. I don't know if you have a tumblr, but I found that the fitblr community is probably one of the most supportive groups, and its helped me loads. Its a lot easier said than done, but seeing a counselor is one of the best things you can do for yourself. In my experiences, there have always been unresolved underlying issues that cause it. I hope you start to feel better! I know how bad this feels. If I had better answers, I would totally give them to you. You can do it don't be so hard on yourself

WhoHa42

Also tl;dr

But feel better OP. Food is just food, don't put emotion into it.

auteurfille22

Thanks for the responses everyone. It really means a lot to me. Maybe seeing a professional is what I need, although that terrifies me. It's nice to know others understand what I'm feeling though, especially since I don't really have anybody close I feel like I can talk to in my "real life" (don't know how else to describe that). I'm planning my meals for tomorrow right now. I appreciate all of you so much. It just seems scary that this will never be over. Because like some of you said, I'll always have to eat. And so I'll always have to be conscious of my lifestyle habits, even once I do achieve my goals. It's amazing to have the support on here. I don't know where I'd be without it.

Fivepts

I just read your profile. You've done great. You are young. You are beautiful (even exotic). Stop beating yourself up. You are not a failure. We all battle with self-control. Maybe always will. This hasn't beaten you. Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe this isn't an option but if you can get the tempting junk food out of the house that's helpful. Enlist some help from your family to clear the cupboards of tempting non-nutritious foods. You are right though, it's your/our thinking that has to change because your body has and is changing but you don't see it. How tall are you. Maybe your brain (not mirror) doesn't see what sz 8 looks like to everyone else? Also, Please realize, I'm telling myself all this as I type to you. Best of luck. Hang in there!

141by2016

The things you say and think about yourself, would you ever say and think them about someone else?

I spent a lot of time hating myself too, and what finally clicked is when I realized how much more forgiving I was to others over myself, and started to work to extend the same care and courtesy to myself as I do to others.

Next time you go down this path, think: is this something I would think or say to my best friend? to my mother? to my sister? If the answer is no, take a step back and try to be more forgiving with yourself. Allow yourself to be loved.

auteurfille22

I'm 5'5". So yes, I'm in the "healthy" weight range for my height, by BMI standards. But I still could (and should) lose some weight. On some level, I know that what I see can't be what I really am, because I know that a size 8 isn't huge or and neither is my weight. But what I see is still revolting to me, especially when I'm standing in a bathing suit or the equivalent. Sometimes I see the changes, but then I'm reminded of all the fat that's still there. Thank you again for being so supportive!

auteurfille22

@Carly - that's actually an amazing point. it'll take some time for me to get to that level of acceptance of myself, but you're right.

EvgeniZyntx

Fontaine St. Placide?

Anyway, you either having a really bad day or if this is your permanent attitude, seek ways, alone or with help, to address this. It's incredibly difficult to succeed in body improvements and life changes with such a negative attitude.

Good luck.

lexlyn14

You are only 18 years old...It is such a hard age to be...PLEASE see a pychologist or someone to help you with your issues...Sometimes all it takes is the right medication or even talk therapy to chnge your view on yourself...You are a beautiful girl do not let WEIGHT control you...No one is perfect ...do not try to be...it is a never ending chase for something that does not really exist...
Enjoy your family...friends...school...work ...it will all fall into place...
It makes me sad to think you think so badly of yourself...PLEASE talk to someone!!!

lmperfect

too long; didn't read

Don't put food on a pedestal, and learn how to control your life

Wouldn't take the advice of someone who also has "forever eating" on their profile.

Personally,I've been where you are & the best thing I've found to stop destructive habits is to see all the overthinking leading up to overeating/self hate as background noise.Honestly,Don't pay attention to it and it won't affect you.

Jena_72

The good news here is you're really young and reaching out for help. Many times, most of the time, people wait decades and go one a long roller coaster ride of dieting and losing and gaining back and losing and gaining again.Recognizing that your headed down that road is a great thing! I agree with another poster that you should seek a professional and nip this in the butt now instead of 10-20 even 30 years from now! Good Luck to you in the mean time, try and be kind to yourself.
http://www.upworthy.com/first-these-women-were-offended-then-they-realized-who-was-being-offensive?c=ufb2

otter090812

I really feel for you. I think you understand that most, if not all, of this issue is in your head and that's what needs addressing. You're young, and this is great opportunity to address things before you start a pattern for life.
In desperation, I went to see a hypnotherapist. I expected someone to swing a pocket-watch in front of my face, put me into a trance, and I'd wake up with a new attitude and some great eating habits. Wrong! What I got was more akin to counselling. I've learned a lot about myself, my reasons for over-eating, how to be less harsh on myself, and how to break habits. I also learned some very surprising things about nutrition.
I wouldn't actually recommend hypnotherapy as such. I would recommend talking to someone, probably a professional, to counsel you through this.

yanglovesmj

Girl, I totally get what you are feeling. I am 19 years old here and i feel the same some days of the week. and when i feel that way, those are the days when i binge and its unstoppable, i just keep on going even when im already full. this all started when i starve myself for some days of the week, and immediately the next day, i'll eat like theres no tomorrow. i feel like crap afterwards and i'll get so upset and cry. its really terrible. but i'll starve myself again the next day. like today, i just binged. the minute i woke up i was really cranky and angry, i cut my finger while cutting up some food cuz i was so upset and was making a mess, then i started crying uncontrollably. i know i have some psychological problems, i m very insecure about how i look and its ruining my mood and life. I m trying to get myself back in control and take healthy proper steps to losing weight instead of my starve binge cycle. A few months before, i was losing weight healthily and now i am in too much of a hurry to lose it all so it took a toll on me, i feel so upset everytime. I believe with proper diet changes and determination you can do it girl! I once did and now i just have to pull myself together and get back on track. Eat real foods, go for a walk, talk to your friends or go watch a movie. make yourself feel better and worth it.

Sandytoes71

Bump

rml_16

Well, based on your ticker, I doubt your physical description of yourself is totally accurate. So stop looking in the mirror so much.

As for the self control thing, I hear you and it isn't just you. I have to control my environment. I don't sweat it if I'm out somewhere (a party or something) and I eat a little too much. But I don't keep things in my house that I can't stop eating. And I am careful about what I have at work, too. And exercise helps, too. I want to eat less on days I exercise.

Finally, while I totally get self-esteem and body image and the connection, you have to remember that there is so much more to who you are and what you are. Intelligence and talent and whether you are good to other people and animals are far more important that whether your thighs are a little bigger than you'd like.

But we all have days like you describe and I totally empathize. Hope you're feeling better.

joolywooly33

You are not overweight - you might want to be smaller to fit your ideal, but actually there is nothing wrong, unhealthy or probably unattractive about how you look. This is in your head.... and BTW we all get this which is why we are all here, striving to be stronger, fitter, hotter lol

Could it also be the time of year getting you down....my advice is to exercise through it - always helps me - oh and dont give up, how you are feeling is a blip on your journey to being fabulous

3foldchord

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

I second this opinion.

I would be sad if my 18 yr old felt this way and would do everything I could to help them.

JONZ64

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

This!

YOU: Have lost 18lbs, so you accomplished something! It was not a total loss.
My son always talks about how the Honor kids at school are so smart and have it all together, but what he doesn't see is how that kid feels on the inside, the insecurity about their looks, the insecurity about fitting in. THIS is the problem, I cannot judge how I feel inside by how someone else looks outside, if I do I will always lose, because people will always put up a front. So, you may see others that are fit but you know what? They have some jacked up feelings/thoughts too.

Alcoholics say "One Day at a time" but sometimes it's one minute at a time and for us it is one meal at a time, one spoonful at a time
definitely find someone you can speak to one on one. MFP is great but nothing beats real life 1 on 1 interaction

mojohowitz

Yup. I've been there. A few things I learned over the last ten years...

1. Hating yourself is counterproductive. Why would we want to work with something we hate?
2. Learn to like yourself so that you will begin to believe you deserve good things.
2. It's probably not your fault you were not taught proper nutrition. However, it is NOW YOUR PROBLEM.
3. Food is fuel not for fun.
4. You caught yourself very early. Your metabolism and time are on your side. The habits will be easier to break.
5. Research the psychology of food, eating, etc.
Example: Why do I eat donuts? Because buying donuts was the only nice thing my dad did for me.
6. Only reveal your intentions to those you really trust, not those you want to trust. People love to poo-poo others.

You can do it. It's not THAT bad.

Lonestar5775

I think you touched on something when you mentioned the instant gratification part of eating even when you don't want to.

You said you find you can't control yourself but if you consider other parts of your life, you do control those impulses. I assume you don't just shoplift something you see that is appealing nor would you walk into a restaurant and take something off another person's plate because it looked good and you were hungry.

This same self-control is a process of maturing and accepting the reality that we are each responsible for our actions. When I wanted to lose weight more than satisfy my urge to eat whenever I felt like it, I crossed a definite line to healthier living.

That being said, I am concerned that you feel a size 8 is grossly over-weight. Maybe some accountability partners are needed to help you see yourself differently. That is, to me, the most valuable part of MFP. You've received a lot of good advice in the previous answers. Get a small but caring group here on MFP to help you along. Best of luck, you are capable of changing yourself!

sunnshhiine

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

so much this.