I Hate Myself

auteurfille22

I'm sure people post this sort of thing all the time. And I'm not even sure what I'm looking for or what sorts of responses I'm expecting to get, if any. But I'm at an all-time low, and I need to vent and complain, so if you're even just reading this, thanks.

I hate myself. I look in the mirror, and see my belly fat hanging over my waistband, with my gigantic elephant thighs and flabby butt, and just feel like I'm the ugliest, most disgusting glob of human being ever. Like if someone would cut me open all that would come out is oozing fat, because most of the time, that's all I see.

But then it's more than that. My appearance reminds me of my lack of self-control. Because really, I must be five years old or something because who can't find it in them to say no to the fifth cookie or the tenth spoonful of sugar? I already feel full and I still eat another helping at every meal. I don't even know why. It's instant gratification, I guess. I want something tasty, and I see it, and I eat it. And then I feel guilty. It's this endless cycle that I can't seem to put a stop to because I have no self-discipline. I just can't say "no." The only way to lose weight that has ever worked is for me to be so restrictive that I can't eat anything. I go for hours without eating and then binge on 1200 calories worth of stuff and that's my day. That's how I've lost 16 pounds this past year. And now, I've just lost it. In terms of habits, I'm right where I was a year ago. I eat anything and everything in sight, and at the end of the day I just feel miserable and sick and worthless. But I don't know how to stop. I live in a house with three other people, so I can't get rid of the bad food around me.

And yet, I know it's my fault. I should have the motivation. I should have the self-control. And I don't know why I don't, or how I'm supposed to get it. I'm sitting here dying to go and binge but instead I'm trying to write this post. Every night I resolve that tomorrow will be better. And then it isn't. At the rate I'm going, I'm just going to gain back everything I've lost and then some. I'm so frustrated and sometimes all I want to do is cry. And then I feel stupid, because really, there are so many worse problems in the world and my life could be so much worse and yet I hate myself so much that it seems like everything else in my life is equally awful. There are more important things in life than being skinny. But I can't seem to remember that every time I step on the scale or look in the mirror. And yet, when I'm around food, the ONLY thought that goes through my head is "EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT." I am a failure.

GingerLolita

I think most people on here struggle with this; otherwise, we probably wouldn't be here!

I find it helpful to log everything before I eat. If I see the calories before I eat, I'll already feel guilty, and then I'll remember that what I'm about to eat isn't worth feeling bad about it. If you plan in advance, you'll go into it with a better sense of control. I plan each day ahead of time, which helps me avoid binges.

I also struggle with my body image and it's definitely true that being skinny isn't everything. I've shifted my focus to trying to eat and be healthier instead.

nomeejerome

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

tworthen79

I've always said it's easier to lose weight then changing your mind set.
Dropping weight IMO is easier compared to re teaching/changing one's life long habits. Some even lose the weight and still see themselves as obese. I think you need to possibly start fixing yourself inside as well as outside. Go talk to a doctor, someone at your church, a friend....anyone whom you trust and who can help you stay healthy mentally. Take time for you, whether it be shopping, reading self help books, hanging with friends. And slowly incorporate a healthier lifestyle. If you drink 4 cokes a day go down to 2. If you have a burger at lunch try a turkey burger instead. Sometimes jumping right in, isn't always the best option. Good luck!!

19TaraLynn84

I can completely relate to you! We need to be friends! A look in the mirror disgusts me. As you said, it's our own fault. But still, I understand exactly what you are saying about the binging. I can eat great all day, but at the end of the day, I can eat everything ins ight. I can't really explain it, but obviously, you know that urge. I have noticed myself getting slowly better about it just by logging my calories. If I don't log them, I really will go overboard. But having that visual reminder of how I am actually putting in my mouth is making a difference. Keep at it! I'm going to send you a friend request.

Hauntinglyfit

Do you exercise at all? That might help you change your mindset about food. You'll start thinking of it as fuel for your workouts rather than something to be avoided/binge on.

Plan ahead. Plan your meals for tomorrow right now. Cook it, portion it, put it in tupperware and stick to it.

If all else fails, talk to a professional.

startingtoday94

Reading this actually made me tear up a little bit because it felt like i was reading my own life.

Everything you said, i struggle with too. From not being able to turn away food even though your full… to feeling guilty about complaining because there are people out there facing much worse. ALL ME! lol

Apparently its a pretty common thing… from what i’ve been reading…what we did wrong was over restrict in the first place! we’ve messed up our bodies a bit.

I’m so sorry i don’t know the solution! But i just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. Seriously everything you said is me lol.

All the best! Keep trying! message me if you need to chat xxx

ps. try to remember than just because you had a few treats doesn’t mean you should just binge and start ‘fresh’ tomorrow. i know that’ s easier said than done

Charis_Sophia

:flowerforyou: Hang in there and keep coming back. {{{hugs}}}

tlassig

I understand some of your concerns. Your comment "I am a failure" is not really true though. It is an easy and common error to say that because we find ourselves doing certain behaviors ("can't find it in them to say no to the fifth cookie") that the behavior is who we are. Certainly behaviors affect us and can lead to certain places, but from your progress, it looks like you are moving in the right direction. Change is challenging. Changing our approach to food is one of the most challenging. If you were trying to quit drugs, or some other harmful behavior, you can simply leave the place, people and situations where you might want to participate in that behavior. But you can't just avoid food, you have to eat every day. However, just because it is challenging doesn't mean it isn't worth it. The fact is that you have made progress. Don't worry about "being skinny" or worrying about what other people think about your looks. This is about your health, your life and your future. Even if it takes the rest of your life, any progress in a positive direction will only help with other aspects of your life. You aren't alone. I think all of us here on my fitness pal get what you are saying and only wish you the best. I would give yourself a huge break, especially since it is holiday season and all the good/bad food is everywhere.

WisiPls

too long; didn't read

Don't put food on a pedestal, and learn how to control your life

kirstynnx

I swear I could have written this myself. But remember that permanent change is super gradual, so be patient with yourself. Youre going to go through periods like this, and they seem endless. I don't know if you have a tumblr, but I found that the fitblr community is probably one of the most supportive groups, and its helped me loads. Its a lot easier said than done, but seeing a counselor is one of the best things you can do for yourself. In my experiences, there have always been unresolved underlying issues that cause it. I hope you start to feel better! I know how bad this feels. If I had better answers, I would totally give them to you. You can do it don't be so hard on yourself

WhoHa42

Also tl;dr

But feel better OP. Food is just food, don't put emotion into it.

auteurfille22

Thanks for the responses everyone. It really means a lot to me. Maybe seeing a professional is what I need, although that terrifies me. It's nice to know others understand what I'm feeling though, especially since I don't really have anybody close I feel like I can talk to in my "real life" (don't know how else to describe that). I'm planning my meals for tomorrow right now. I appreciate all of you so much. It just seems scary that this will never be over. Because like some of you said, I'll always have to eat. And so I'll always have to be conscious of my lifestyle habits, even once I do achieve my goals. It's amazing to have the support on here. I don't know where I'd be without it.

Fivepts

I just read your profile. You've done great. You are young. You are beautiful (even exotic). Stop beating yourself up. You are not a failure. We all battle with self-control. Maybe always will. This hasn't beaten you. Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe this isn't an option but if you can get the tempting junk food out of the house that's helpful. Enlist some help from your family to clear the cupboards of tempting non-nutritious foods. You are right though, it's your/our thinking that has to change because your body has and is changing but you don't see it. How tall are you. Maybe your brain (not mirror) doesn't see what sz 8 looks like to everyone else? Also, Please realize, I'm telling myself all this as I type to you. Best of luck. Hang in there!

141by2016

The things you say and think about yourself, would you ever say and think them about someone else?

I spent a lot of time hating myself too, and what finally clicked is when I realized how much more forgiving I was to others over myself, and started to work to extend the same care and courtesy to myself as I do to others.

Next time you go down this path, think: is this something I would think or say to my best friend? to my mother? to my sister? If the answer is no, take a step back and try to be more forgiving with yourself. Allow yourself to be loved.

auteurfille22

I'm 5'5". So yes, I'm in the "healthy" weight range for my height, by BMI standards. But I still could (and should) lose some weight. On some level, I know that what I see can't be what I really am, because I know that a size 8 isn't huge or and neither is my weight. But what I see is still revolting to me, especially when I'm standing in a bathing suit or the equivalent. Sometimes I see the changes, but then I'm reminded of all the fat that's still there. Thank you again for being so supportive!

auteurfille22

@Carly - that's actually an amazing point. it'll take some time for me to get to that level of acceptance of myself, but you're right.

EvgeniZyntx

Fontaine St. Placide?

Anyway, you either having a really bad day or if this is your permanent attitude, seek ways, alone or with help, to address this. It's incredibly difficult to succeed in body improvements and life changes with such a negative attitude.

Good luck.

lexlyn14

You are only 18 years old...It is such a hard age to be...PLEASE see a pychologist or someone to help you with your issues...Sometimes all it takes is the right medication or even talk therapy to chnge your view on yourself...You are a beautiful girl do not let WEIGHT control you...No one is perfect ...do not try to be...it is a never ending chase for something that does not really exist...
Enjoy your family...friends...school...work ...it will all fall into place...
It makes me sad to think you think so badly of yourself...PLEASE talk to someone!!!

lmperfect

too long; didn't read

Don't put food on a pedestal, and learn how to control your life

Wouldn't take the advice of someone who also has "forever eating" on their profile.

Personally,I've been where you are & the best thing I've found to stop destructive habits is to see all the overthinking leading up to overeating/self hate as background noise.Honestly,Don't pay attention to it and it won't affect you.

Jena_72

The good news here is you're really young and reaching out for help. Many times, most of the time, people wait decades and go one a long roller coaster ride of dieting and losing and gaining back and losing and gaining again.Recognizing that your headed down that road is a great thing! I agree with another poster that you should seek a professional and nip this in the butt now instead of 10-20 even 30 years from now! Good Luck to you in the mean time, try and be kind to yourself.
http://www.upworthy.com/first-these-women-were-offended-then-they-realized-who-was-being-offensive?c=ufb2