I Hate Myself
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Girl! It could always be worse! I personally think you're progress is great and that is what you should be focusing on! Everything you've done right to get better, not the little things that make you feel bad about yourself. I think the self image thing is something every girl feels at one point or another, I went through years of gaining and losing and saying "I dont care, I'm just chubby" well I dont care led to the beginning stages of liver disease from bad diet and genes so I'm just now getting my butt into gear and losing the extra weight for my health (I'm only 25!). You're doing something to change the things you don't like, that's all that matters. Surround yourself with people that care and are in your life to motivate you and make you better.0
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The only way to lose weight that has ever worked is for me to be so restrictive that I can't eat anything. I go for hours without eating and then binge on 1200 calories worth of stuff and that's my day. That's how I've lost 16 pounds this past year. And now, I've just lost it. In terms of habits, I'm right where I was a year ago. I eat anything and everything in sight, and at the end of the day I just feel miserable and sick and worthless. But I don't know how to stop. I live in a house with three other people, so I can't get rid of the bad food around me.
that right there s your problem….restricting yourself to the point of binging is unhealthy …
You either need to get some help and reassess your relationship with food….or learn that you can create a reasonable deficit of say 500 calories a day …eat the foods that you want to (within reason)…and work out/move more and this will lead to long term sustainable results….0 -
I've been there. Several years ago, your post was me, word for word. You need counseling to deal with this. This isn't about food, or being overweight. This is depression. You need counseling by a trusted friend, a pastor, a therapist, who ever can look at your situation objectively. This out of control, must eat until I'm sick feeling is about having control over something in your life.
Find someone you can talk to in person, and have some sessions. Now, before you get worse.0 -
I'm new here, but not new to your feelings of self-loathing and depression about life in general. Seeing a counsellor may help, but you may be able to deal with the over-eating more simply. I don't mean to imply that you're eating too much, just maybe too much in one session - you lose control, then you feel guilty, then anger at yourself, the self-loathing and so the cycle starts anew.
There are a couple of techniques for helping your body realise that you've eaten enough. One is to eat with a knife and fork and put them down between each mouthful. What most of us do is pre-load the form with the next mouthful, then shovel it in before the last one has gone down. Second idea is to chew everything 20 times, or until the texture has broken down. FEEL how the food feels in your mouth. As your teeth and saliva go to work, you release the taste and texture. Food can become more enjoyable! Clearly this doesn't work with soup.
Oh yes - don't do other things at the same time. I can eat 2 sandwiches at my desk in front of my computer and I'll hardly know I've eaten!
For a while, don't worry about WHAT you eat. If you want a cookie, go ahead. Just chew it properly, then before you reach for the next one ask yourself "have I had enough?". This helps make eating a conscious activity. Just like logging the food here.
Good luck!0 -
A certified professional might be able to help you create a meal plan that cuts cravings and binge urges and lets you get to your goal and stay there easier. If you have health insurance, see if your doctor will refer you to one.
There are all kinds of chemical reactions caused by food and the stress of daily life, and some of those chemicals trigger binge eating and over-eating. I thought I was a weak willed waste of space until I started researching the how and why of overeating and binge eating. After a few dozen lectures given by health professionals, many of them created for health professionals, on the actual science of weight gain and loss (or what we know of the science, which still isn't much), I realized just how tough the battle we fight every day is.
Youtube is a rich source of these lectures, seminars, webinars, etc., and hey, it's free. Just keep in mind that even the experts don't always agree on the causes, much less the solutions. But researching the problem will help you understand the dimensions of it. And that can help you solve your own issues.
I haven't watched this one yet, but it looks promising:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNotqromxjQ
As does this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31WykzFuUkk
Two things to keep in mind: You don't have to understand every word to understand what you're up against, and you don't have to give up just because you might have been dealt a bad genetic hand when it comes to your weight.0 -
I'm sure people post this sort of thing all the time. And I'm not even sure what I'm looking for or what sorts of responses I'm expecting to get, if any. But I'm at an all-time low, and I need to vent and complain, so if you're even just reading this, thanks.
I hate myself. I look in the mirror, and see my belly fat hanging over my waistband, with my gigantic elephant thighs and flabby butt, and just feel like I'm the ugliest, most disgusting glob of human being ever. Like if someone would cut me open all that would come out is oozing fat, because most of the time, that's all I see.
But then it's more than that. My appearance reminds me of my lack of self-control. Because really, I must be five years old or something because who can't find it in them to say no to the fifth cookie or the tenth spoonful of sugar? I already feel full and I still eat another helping at every meal. I don't even know why. It's instant gratification, I guess. I want something tasty, and I see it, and I eat it. And then I feel guilty. It's this endless cycle that I can't seem to put a stop to because I have no self-discipline. I just can't say "no." The only way to lose weight that has ever worked is for me to be so restrictive that I can't eat anything. I go for hours without eating and then binge on 1200 calories worth of stuff and that's my day. That's how I've lost 16 pounds this past year. And now, I've just lost it. In terms of habits, I'm right where I was a year ago. I eat anything and everything in sight, and at the end of the day I just feel miserable and sick and worthless. But I don't know how to stop. I live in a house with three other people, so I can't get rid of the bad food around me.
And yet, I know it's my fault. I should have the motivation. I should have the self-control. And I don't know why I don't, or how I'm supposed to get it. I'm sitting here dying to go and binge but instead I'm trying to write this post. Every night I resolve that tomorrow will be better. And then it isn't. At the rate I'm going, I'm just going to gain back everything I've lost and then some. I'm so frustrated and sometimes all I want to do is cry. And then I feel stupid, because really, there are so many worse problems in the world and my life could be so much worse and yet I hate myself so much that it seems like everything else in my life is equally awful. There are more important things in life than being skinny. But I can't seem to remember that every time I step on the scale or look in the mirror. And yet, when I'm around food, the ONLY thought that goes through my head is "EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT." I am a failure.
First of all, you should see a counselor. It's possible you've developed a food addiction or that you're compensation for some other stress in your life.
Second of all, the media in this country does a pretty good job of making us all think, especially women, that our self-worth lies strictly in our body shape. There is so much more to who you are than what your body looks like. Are a you a good person? Nice to strangers? Try your best at work and with family? Those are much more important than what your body looks like. If each of us looks back over our lives, we shoudn't be thinking, "Did I look good enough?" But rather, "What kind of a person have I been?"0 -
Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.
I second this opinion.
I would be sad if my 18 yr old felt this way and would do everything I could to help them.
I agree with this. As a person who's had an eating disorder in the past, I would advise you to get help: it doesn't show weakness, it shows you have the strength to face your problems.0 -
Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.
^^ THIS!!
Posting a TL/DR post alont with such a lovely title is a surefire way to have a trainwreck of a thread by the afternoon. Because pretty soon everyones 2 cents will be given (which is great) but when people start disagreeing with each other, the thread will be derailed, people will start arguing about how you should live your life and it will all be eventually deleted. Then how will you feel about yourself?
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Again, this story could have been me. And there are days that I still stuggle. I also agree with the other posters... Seek help. Counseling possibly medication. As another poster mentioned at least you are recognizing this early enough to stop unhealthy habits. I really recognized that the problem was more than just an unhealthy relationship with food. I seen a picture of myself and thought, wow that doesn't look like the girl that stares back at me in the mirror. THAT is not the girl that I attack and HATE every morning before I jump in the shower. It must just be a really good picture. I am 5'9". I have a "large" bone frame (I know some won't agree with the frame but if the medical community recognizes it so INDIVIDUALS won't change my mind) I am in the healthy BMI range and have 23% body fat. With all of that being said.... I STILL hated the reflection staring back at me because of the number on my scale. I went to the doc for help. After getting the help I needed (yes medication was included) I have changed my mind set. First, I don't have a scale in my house. I measure my success in inches. I go to the gym 5 days a week. Most days I don't close my diary because I don't want to see the "if every day were like today". I know that I am doing what it takes to be HEALTHY. I am still learning how to love ME! Quotes that help me when I am having a moment or even a week is this.... YOU are worth more than a number! And skinny girls look good in clothes, fit girls look good naked!! I have since come off of the medication for what was diagnosed as depression but the tools I learned through the process made a huge difference with the relationship I have with myself. I wish the very best for you.0
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Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.
^^ THIS!!
Posting a TL/DR post alont with such a lovely title is a surefire way to have a trainwreck of a thread by the afternoon. Because pretty soon everyones 2 cents will be given (which is great) but when people start disagreeing with each other, the thread will be derailed, people will start arguing about how you should live your life and it will all be eventually deleted. Then how will you feel about yourself?
Well aren't you just a negative Nancy. Looking over this thread, I don't see any opposing views, but rather a lot of people who are willing to reach out and help, except for you. Condemning someone for reaching out is like yelling "Jump!" to someone on the roof of a building. If you can't be supportive, perhaps you should keep your opinions to yourself.0 -
I've been there. Several years ago, your post was me, word for word. You need counseling to deal with this. This isn't about food, or being overweight. This is depression. You need counseling by a trusted friend, a pastor, a therapist, who ever can look at your situation objectively. This out of control, must eat until I'm sick feeling is about having control over something in your life.
Find someone you can talk to in person, and have some sessions. Now, before you get worse.
^^ This. Went through the same thing in early 20's. It really wasn't about the food at all, but the lies I believed about myself: ie: You're not worth it, you'll never be as pretty as the other girls, you can't handle it, etc. Many times we focus on this because there's something else we are not dealing with. It took counseling for me, learning to journal and exercise over the years helped me get off anti-depressants, but those tools (journaling and exercise) were learned in counseling. Now's the perfect time for you to tackle this, good luck!0 -
Posting a TL/DR post alont with such a lovely title is a surefire way to have a trainwreck of a thread by the afternoon. Because pretty soon everyones 2 cents will be given (which is great) but when people start disagreeing with each other, the thread will be derailed, people will start arguing about how you should live your life and it will all be eventually deleted. Then how will you feel about yourself?
Looks like you're trying to make this happen. No one has been anything but understanding and supportive to the OP. And no one is telling anyone how to live.
She feels bad about herself and people here can empathize with that and offer a little perspective. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this post or thread. Why turn it into something it isn't?0 -
Looks like you're trying to make this happen. No one has been anything but understanding and supportive to the OP. And no one is telling anyone how to live.
She feels bad about herself and people here can empathize with that and offer a little perspective. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this post or thread. Why turn it into something it isn't?
Im sorry. Its because I hate myself too and historically, people havent been very supportive in other threads. :sad: My apologies.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Im sorry. Its because I hate myself too and historically, people havent been very supportive in other threads. :sad: My apologies.
:flowerforyou:
To be honest, my first reaction to your post was, "This isn't your first MFP Rodeo, is it?" :laugh: I saw your post as trying to help OP and warn that sometimes things get ugly so this thread may backfire and not to personalize and further beat herself up if it does.
OP, I agree with those suggesting seeking therapy and medical evaluation. My guess is that helping sort out the underlying causes of binging will help you tremendously. A doctor and dietitian may be able to help evaluate whether your body processes are causing you extra trouble and help you address that, and a therapist can help you figure out if anything like depression or the way you feel about yourself is contributing. Best of luck to you. :flowerforyou:0 -
Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.
so much this.
I've been here before - professional help was the best (and probably the only) thing that could help me get out of that cycle.0 -
I havent read all the reply, but I wanted to say that at your weight, you should probably start exercising and eating ALL your exercise calories. You will feel more full and satisfied (if I do another 15 minutes of running I can eat rice with my meal, etc.) AND your body will start to look like you want. You can try to starve yourself to be skinny, but if you want that small radiant healthy look, it is 1000x more about exercise then diet. Because you are already at an healthy BMI, your goal should all be about fitness and you should set myfitnesspal to maintenance or .5 pound a week MAX. For begginer I suggest 30 day shred from Jillian Michaels and C25K if you would like to run (which improved my mood like crazy. When I run 3x week, I feel sexy even at 216 pound! If I don't exercise, I feel ugly even if I weight less)... It's all in our head
Good luck.0 -
I read OP and was really upset by it. It sounds to me like you might be dealing with some emotional issues that you can't handle on your own. You might want to look into talking to a professional about it. Your views on your body image aren't healthy even if they are true. Sugar is the devil, and it's never easy to cut that out of your life. It takes a lot of hard work and discipline once you are addicted to stop. It's not impossible though. But if you are struggling with harsh emotions it's even harder. You should have someone you can talk to. Even if that's friends here on MFP (feel free to add me). I have dealt with a lot of this as well and haven't ever been obese, but saw that in my head. You did right by reaching out on here when you were feeling your worst. You need to keep doing that. Don't give up. Whatever you decide just remember that you are worth it and there are people out there that care!0
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Won't believe the progress you'll make once you "LIKE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY". I preach it to all my clients and use the mantra myself every day. Cheesy? Maybe, but I'll attribute it to why I don't let obstacles or setbacks deter me.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
You're too young and pretty to to have such feelings of hate for yourself. Don't look at the mountain in front of you - just worry about the step ahead. I eat pretty much what I want - to a sensible degree. It's the portions I watch. I also look for small ways to help myself out. At Subway, I skip the cheese. I have PB2 (powdered peanut butter) that I sprinkle on my banana instead of a whopping spoonful of peanut butter! I drink crazy amounts of water. I keep pickles around for in between meals and night time snacks. It's cliche, but at the store, I park as far from the door as possible. Be realistic in your goals. If I lose a pound or two every 2 or 3 weeks - great! Try to surround yourself with good folks that want to help and share in your success! Try to walk or some exercise to build up bonus calories and try to not spend them all each day. We are all too blessed to be miserable! Don't give up! Also, don;t beat yourself up if you stumble. I have not lost near what I wanted in 2013 - but I am lighter now than i was on 1-1-2013! Another factor - FIBER!0
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I know what I am about to say is not commonplace enough for it to be accepted as truth, but as I read your post all I see is a bunch of "I'm not" "I can't" "I'm a failure" etc. etc.
And so it is true that those beliefs that you hold the MOST close will mirror themselves back at you UNTIL you finally decide to think something different. In psychology it is called confirmation bias.
Self compassion and gratitude will go a long way for you. Most people here have responded to you giving you tactical ways in which to cope, move on, feel better. I am here to tell you it starts with your mind. You cannot move forward positively if you have a weak psychological foundation. It will be like building on quicksand.
What you really need to do is self-work. Not self-work as in eating better, exercising. You need to go inside of yourself, face all of your limiting beliefs, your fears, your sadness and upset, evaluate whether or not these things are even valid. i.e. saying youre a failure is an egregious folly. How are you a failure? If you switched your POV it could easily be seen that you are a shining success. For one, you are AWARE of your issues. Second, YOU ARE YOUNG and aware. What an effing gift that is. Some people go half their lives or their whole lives living in anesthetized denial of their issues. I see your acknowledgment as a blessing. And it took courage. This, to me, makes you extremely successful.
Self compassion: For you this means accepting where you are now. You must know there were people who were much heavier than you who had the discipline to chisel themselves down. There. So you already know it is possible for you. Hold these people in high esteem. Self love and acceptance is the oil that will allow your transition to go smoothly. Positive reinforcement has been proven to help children learn in classrooms, to help workers be more productive, to help those with mental illnesses feel more at ease. And so it is for you. You must champion yourself. Okay, so you binged on 1200 calories at once. Yelling at yourself and calling yourself names WON'T change that behavior. Being kind and gentle with yourself, saying things like "I messed up today. That is okay. Tomorrow I will start again and I know I can do better" will do TONS more for your self esteem. If you had a personal trainer that was as mean as you are to yourself, you'd fire them immediately.
Gratitude: So you aren't where you want to be. That's ok. But LOOK AROUND. Look at everything you DO have! You say your thighs are big, but those very thighs allow you to jump, dance and move around. Be grateful for that. Be grateful that you have this community. Look outside the context of fitness and see that you also probably have great friends, family, talents, material items, etc. Moreover, you have your YOUTH and your HEALTH. Darling, SOOOOOOOOOO many people don't have that. When you focus on what you DO have, all that you don't have melts away. You'll be so energized and happy for what you've got, and this vibration will cause only good. Not only will you see yourself, and your life differently, you'll also make the positive changes that you want to badly.
You can start today. All you have to do is change your mind about yourself and your predicament. You have the power of perspective. You can choose to see everything through a grainy filter, or do yourself the justice of seeing only that which is good. And when you do the latter, the good will multiple and run over.
Best of luck dear! I hope some of what I said makes sense.0 -
I agree with a PP that asked whether you workout. I always tend to eat better in those phases when I also exercise seriously. There's something about busting my butt for 30 minutes that makes me want to eat better. Maybe it's that I see how hard I had to work to burn off 200-300 cals.. And then I don't want it to go to waste.
Since your bmi is in the normal range I also suspect your self perception might be off. It might help to talk to someone.0 -
:flowerforyou:0
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1) Focus on healthy eating & fitness ..... the weight will come off.
2) If you hit a plateau, stick with your plan, and you will get past it eventually - look at weight loss like a big hour glass - the grains fall out very slowly and you cannot even tell things are changing - but they are.
3) Make small changes, don't do anything drastic or restrict yourself. You are changing for life, not just the short term. I looked forward to my new food choices, I didn't think of them as a punishment. And I allow myself to still eat things I like, just not everything, all at once
4) No excuses .... no one wants to hear them anyway.
5) Appreciate what you have, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Others have it worse .....
6) Smile ! And be positive !0 -
Oh hon. Please talk to somebody. You do not deserve to feel so bad about yourself.
I've found the National Eating Disorders Association to be hugely helpful in getting through the terrible things I think about myself. Their hotline is 1-800-931-2237. Mon-Thu 9 am- 9 pm, Fri 9 am-5 pm. Start there. They'll give you a sympathetic ear.
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/can-you-tell-anything-persons-weight0 -
^this:flowerforyou:0 -
Don't hate yourself.. And I don't think there is anything wrong with you.. Food is to dang good.. Its amazing!!!! But to much of it is not.. Its that simple .. I lost ten pounds in 3 weeks and I still have sweets at night.. Chocolate.. Just not to much...=) Cheer up and tomorrow is a new day.. All we do as people is the best we can.. Don't be so hard on yourself..0
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You're fat.
You're a whale.
You're ugly.
You're stupid.
You're worthless.
If I were to stop posting right there, I would have a strike on this post, my inbox would be filled to capacity with hate mail, there would be post after post about how I'm a jerk and mean. I would be told I have no class, some would say those comments would apply to me and not you, OP. You would feel offended, and hurt, and take offense to such statements being written about you in a public forum.
And yet...
People think it's perfectly acceptable to say such things about themselves. It's kinda hypocritical isn't it? We are more apt to come to the defense of a complete stranger or a friend who gets put down and called names, we will spend hours consoling someone trying to build up their self-esteem, but then turn around and put ourselves down because, somehow, for some reason, that's ok.0 -
This is really sad. Hate is such a strong word.
Get yourself in the frame of mind that you want to look and feel beautiful, until you do that, you will find it hard to lose weight thus hating yourself more, it's a vicious circle. If you feel you can't get to that frame of mind, see a professional.
:flowerforyou:
And just for the record...I see a beautiful young lady
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OK. Folks here might think my response is a bit weird, but here I go.
First, let me say, you are awesome. You may not see that awesomeness but it is there. It doesn't have to do with shape or appearance, it has to do with heart and soul. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have self love because you, my friend, are awesome.
Here's my 2 cents about the rest of it. Figure out what's important to you, what makes you happy and feel complete. Whether it is body shape or not. Because fitness is not the end all / be all of what I am - it's just a part.
Examples: I love being a parent. I work hard at being the best parent I can be. I suck sometimes but I believe strongly that if I stop trying I have failed and if I keep trying I have succeeded. I love giving. I coordinate adopt-a-nursing home, SPCA collections, and habitat for humanity. I love working with kids trying to give them the acceptance I never got as a kid so my son and I coach middle school runners and supply what they need to run. I want to be involved in my kid's events so I am "team mom" for high school track & field. These things make me feel complete.
I also accept that I hate every form exercise except running. I love running. I'm a runner, it's what I do. So when people say I should lift or do the elliptical or bike or whatever, it's up to me to know if I did that stuff I'd quit working out. I mean I do cross fit and some circuit training while I'm coaching, but as soon as I'm done coaching, I'm done with that stuff.
I don't binge eat much. I'm the opposite. I'd fall into anorexia if I wasn't careful. When I am tempted to fall into my rut of self hate, I do something I know will make me feel better about myself. I organize a closet (I used to be almost OCD - am better now). I sit down and do fitness plans for my running kids. I go to the SPCA with some doggie treats in my pocket and walk the dogs (most SPCA's are thrilled for folks to exercise the dogs and the dogs sure seem to love the exercise and the treats). I go for a run or a walk (I'm old, my knees sometimes hurt so I walk instead of run ). I iron clothes. Weird right? But for some reason seeing something that was completely wrinkled and f'd up going to completely wrinkle free gives me the weirdest sense of instant satisfaction.
So, find what completes you, what makes you happy and whatever that thing is, do it.
(As far as the calorie thing - realize that calories burned are work x weight x time so the less you weigh doing the EXACT same thing the fewer calories you burn. So 300 lbs burns more calories on a 15 min 1 mile walk than 150 lbs. If you need formulas or help with that, email me)
Best to you! :drinker:0 -
And yet...
People think it's perfectly acceptable to say such things about themselves. It's kinda hypocritical isn't it? We are more apt to come to the defense of a complete stranger or a friend who gets put down and called names, we will spend hours consoling someone trying to build up their self-esteem, but then turn around and put ourselves down because, somehow, for some reason, that's ok.
QFT.0
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