I Hate Myself

otter090812

I really feel for you. I think you understand that most, if not all, of this issue is in your head and that's what needs addressing. You're young, and this is great opportunity to address things before you start a pattern for life.
In desperation, I went to see a hypnotherapist. I expected someone to swing a pocket-watch in front of my face, put me into a trance, and I'd wake up with a new attitude and some great eating habits. Wrong! What I got was more akin to counselling. I've learned a lot about myself, my reasons for over-eating, how to be less harsh on myself, and how to break habits. I also learned some very surprising things about nutrition.
I wouldn't actually recommend hypnotherapy as such. I would recommend talking to someone, probably a professional, to counsel you through this.

yanglovesmj

Girl, I totally get what you are feeling. I am 19 years old here and i feel the same some days of the week. and when i feel that way, those are the days when i binge and its unstoppable, i just keep on going even when im already full. this all started when i starve myself for some days of the week, and immediately the next day, i'll eat like theres no tomorrow. i feel like crap afterwards and i'll get so upset and cry. its really terrible. but i'll starve myself again the next day. like today, i just binged. the minute i woke up i was really cranky and angry, i cut my finger while cutting up some food cuz i was so upset and was making a mess, then i started crying uncontrollably. i know i have some psychological problems, i m very insecure about how i look and its ruining my mood and life. I m trying to get myself back in control and take healthy proper steps to losing weight instead of my starve binge cycle. A few months before, i was losing weight healthily and now i am in too much of a hurry to lose it all so it took a toll on me, i feel so upset everytime. I believe with proper diet changes and determination you can do it girl! I once did and now i just have to pull myself together and get back on track. Eat real foods, go for a walk, talk to your friends or go watch a movie. make yourself feel better and worth it.

Sandytoes71

Bump

rml_16

Well, based on your ticker, I doubt your physical description of yourself is totally accurate. So stop looking in the mirror so much.

As for the self control thing, I hear you and it isn't just you. I have to control my environment. I don't sweat it if I'm out somewhere (a party or something) and I eat a little too much. But I don't keep things in my house that I can't stop eating. And I am careful about what I have at work, too. And exercise helps, too. I want to eat less on days I exercise.

Finally, while I totally get self-esteem and body image and the connection, you have to remember that there is so much more to who you are and what you are. Intelligence and talent and whether you are good to other people and animals are far more important that whether your thighs are a little bigger than you'd like.

But we all have days like you describe and I totally empathize. Hope you're feeling better.

joolywooly33

You are not overweight - you might want to be smaller to fit your ideal, but actually there is nothing wrong, unhealthy or probably unattractive about how you look. This is in your head.... and BTW we all get this which is why we are all here, striving to be stronger, fitter, hotter lol

Could it also be the time of year getting you down....my advice is to exercise through it - always helps me - oh and dont give up, how you are feeling is a blip on your journey to being fabulous

3foldchord

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

I second this opinion.

I would be sad if my 18 yr old felt this way and would do everything I could to help them.

JONZ64

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

This!

YOU: Have lost 18lbs, so you accomplished something! It was not a total loss.
My son always talks about how the Honor kids at school are so smart and have it all together, but what he doesn't see is how that kid feels on the inside, the insecurity about their looks, the insecurity about fitting in. THIS is the problem, I cannot judge how I feel inside by how someone else looks outside, if I do I will always lose, because people will always put up a front. So, you may see others that are fit but you know what? They have some jacked up feelings/thoughts too.

Alcoholics say "One Day at a time" but sometimes it's one minute at a time and for us it is one meal at a time, one spoonful at a time
definitely find someone you can speak to one on one. MFP is great but nothing beats real life 1 on 1 interaction

mojohowitz

Yup. I've been there. A few things I learned over the last ten years...

1. Hating yourself is counterproductive. Why would we want to work with something we hate?
2. Learn to like yourself so that you will begin to believe you deserve good things.
2. It's probably not your fault you were not taught proper nutrition. However, it is NOW YOUR PROBLEM.
3. Food is fuel not for fun.
4. You caught yourself very early. Your metabolism and time are on your side. The habits will be easier to break.
5. Research the psychology of food, eating, etc.
Example: Why do I eat donuts? Because buying donuts was the only nice thing my dad did for me.
6. Only reveal your intentions to those you really trust, not those you want to trust. People love to poo-poo others.

You can do it. It's not THAT bad.

Lonestar5775

I think you touched on something when you mentioned the instant gratification part of eating even when you don't want to.

You said you find you can't control yourself but if you consider other parts of your life, you do control those impulses. I assume you don't just shoplift something you see that is appealing nor would you walk into a restaurant and take something off another person's plate because it looked good and you were hungry.

This same self-control is a process of maturing and accepting the reality that we are each responsible for our actions. When I wanted to lose weight more than satisfy my urge to eat whenever I felt like it, I crossed a definite line to healthier living.

That being said, I am concerned that you feel a size 8 is grossly over-weight. Maybe some accountability partners are needed to help you see yourself differently. That is, to me, the most valuable part of MFP. You've received a lot of good advice in the previous answers. Get a small but caring group here on MFP to help you along. Best of luck, you are capable of changing yourself!

sunnshhiine

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

so much this.

Brittneyaline

Girl! It could always be worse! I personally think you're progress is great and that is what you should be focusing on! Everything you've done right to get better, not the little things that make you feel bad about yourself. I think the self image thing is something every girl feels at one point or another, I went through years of gaining and losing and saying "I dont care, I'm just chubby" well I dont care led to the beginning stages of liver disease from bad diet and genes so I'm just now getting my butt into gear and losing the extra weight for my health (I'm only 25!). You're doing something to change the things you don't like, that's all that matters. Surround yourself with people that care and are in your life to motivate you and make you better.

ndj1979

The only way to lose weight that has ever worked is for me to be so restrictive that I can't eat anything. I go for hours without eating and then binge on 1200 calories worth of stuff and that's my day. That's how I've lost 16 pounds this past year. And now, I've just lost it. In terms of habits, I'm right where I was a year ago. I eat anything and everything in sight, and at the end of the day I just feel miserable and sick and worthless. But I don't know how to stop. I live in a house with three other people, so I can't get rid of the bad food around me.

that right there s your problem….restricting yourself to the point of binging is unhealthy …

You either need to get some help and reassess your relationship with food….or learn that you can create a reasonable deficit of say 500 calories a day …eat the foods that you want to (within reason)…and work out/move more and this will lead to long term sustainable results….

gracielynn1011

I've been there. Several years ago, your post was me, word for word. You need counseling to deal with this. This isn't about food, or being overweight. This is depression. You need counseling by a trusted friend, a pastor, a therapist, who ever can look at your situation objectively. This out of control, must eat until I'm sick feeling is about having control over something in your life.

Find someone you can talk to in person, and have some sessions. Now, before you get worse.

imfinlay

I'm new here, but not new to your feelings of self-loathing and depression about life in general. Seeing a counsellor may help, but you may be able to deal with the over-eating more simply. I don't mean to imply that you're eating too much, just maybe too much in one session - you lose control, then you feel guilty, then anger at yourself, the self-loathing and so the cycle starts anew.

There are a couple of techniques for helping your body realise that you've eaten enough. One is to eat with a knife and fork and put them down between each mouthful. What most of us do is pre-load the form with the next mouthful, then shovel it in before the last one has gone down. Second idea is to chew everything 20 times, or until the texture has broken down. FEEL how the food feels in your mouth. As your teeth and saliva go to work, you release the taste and texture. Food can become more enjoyable! Clearly this doesn't work with soup.

Oh yes - don't do other things at the same time. I can eat 2 sandwiches at my desk in front of my computer and I'll hardly know I've eaten!

For a while, don't worry about WHAT you eat. If you want a cookie, go ahead. Just chew it properly, then before you reach for the next one ask yourself "have I had enough?". This helps make eating a conscious activity. Just like logging the food here.

Good luck!

Jestinia

A certified professional might be able to help you create a meal plan that cuts cravings and binge urges and lets you get to your goal and stay there easier. If you have health insurance, see if your doctor will refer you to one.

There are all kinds of chemical reactions caused by food and the stress of daily life, and some of those chemicals trigger binge eating and over-eating. I thought I was a weak willed waste of space until I started researching the how and why of overeating and binge eating. After a few dozen lectures given by health professionals, many of them created for health professionals, on the actual science of weight gain and loss (or what we know of the science, which still isn't much), I realized just how tough the battle we fight every day is.

Youtube is a rich source of these lectures, seminars, webinars, etc., and hey, it's free. Just keep in mind that even the experts don't always agree on the causes, much less the solutions. But researching the problem will help you understand the dimensions of it. And that can help you solve your own issues.

I haven't watched this one yet, but it looks promising:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNotqromxjQ


As does this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31WykzFuUkk


Two things to keep in mind: You don't have to understand every word to understand what you're up against, and you don't have to give up just because you might have been dealt a bad genetic hand when it comes to your weight.

mccindy72

I'm sure people post this sort of thing all the time. And I'm not even sure what I'm looking for or what sorts of responses I'm expecting to get, if any. But I'm at an all-time low, and I need to vent and complain, so if you're even just reading this, thanks.

I hate myself. I look in the mirror, and see my belly fat hanging over my waistband, with my gigantic elephant thighs and flabby butt, and just feel like I'm the ugliest, most disgusting glob of human being ever. Like if someone would cut me open all that would come out is oozing fat, because most of the time, that's all I see.

But then it's more than that. My appearance reminds me of my lack of self-control. Because really, I must be five years old or something because who can't find it in them to say no to the fifth cookie or the tenth spoonful of sugar? I already feel full and I still eat another helping at every meal. I don't even know why. It's instant gratification, I guess. I want something tasty, and I see it, and I eat it. And then I feel guilty. It's this endless cycle that I can't seem to put a stop to because I have no self-discipline. I just can't say "no." The only way to lose weight that has ever worked is for me to be so restrictive that I can't eat anything. I go for hours without eating and then binge on 1200 calories worth of stuff and that's my day. That's how I've lost 16 pounds this past year. And now, I've just lost it. In terms of habits, I'm right where I was a year ago. I eat anything and everything in sight, and at the end of the day I just feel miserable and sick and worthless. But I don't know how to stop. I live in a house with three other people, so I can't get rid of the bad food around me.

And yet, I know it's my fault. I should have the motivation. I should have the self-control. And I don't know why I don't, or how I'm supposed to get it. I'm sitting here dying to go and binge but instead I'm trying to write this post. Every night I resolve that tomorrow will be better. And then it isn't. At the rate I'm going, I'm just going to gain back everything I've lost and then some. I'm so frustrated and sometimes all I want to do is cry. And then I feel stupid, because really, there are so many worse problems in the world and my life could be so much worse and yet I hate myself so much that it seems like everything else in my life is equally awful. There are more important things in life than being skinny. But I can't seem to remember that every time I step on the scale or look in the mirror. And yet, when I'm around food, the ONLY thought that goes through my head is "EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT." I am a failure.

First of all, you should see a counselor. It's possible you've developed a food addiction or that you're compensation for some other stress in your life.
Second of all, the media in this country does a pretty good job of making us all think, especially women, that our self-worth lies strictly in our body shape. There is so much more to who you are than what your body looks like. Are a you a good person? Nice to strangers? Try your best at work and with family? Those are much more important than what your body looks like. If each of us looks back over our lives, we shoudn't be thinking, "Did I look good enough?" But rather, "What kind of a person have I been?"

eledit

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

I second this opinion.

I would be sad if my 18 yr old felt this way and would do everything I could to help them.

I agree with this. As a person who's had an eating disorder in the past, I would advise you to get help: it doesn't show weakness, it shows you have the strength to face your problems.

W0rthless_Her0

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

^^ THIS!!

Posting a TL/DR post alont with such a lovely title is a surefire way to have a trainwreck of a thread by the afternoon. Because pretty soon everyones 2 cents will be given (which is great) but when people start disagreeing with each other, the thread will be derailed, people will start arguing about how you should live your life and it will all be eventually deleted. Then how will you feel about yourself?

JustJennie13

Again, this story could have been me. And there are days that I still stuggle. I also agree with the other posters... Seek help. Counseling possibly medication. As another poster mentioned at least you are recognizing this early enough to stop unhealthy habits. I really recognized that the problem was more than just an unhealthy relationship with food. I seen a picture of myself and thought, wow that doesn't look like the girl that stares back at me in the mirror. THAT is not the girl that I attack and HATE every morning before I jump in the shower. It must just be a really good picture. I am 5'9". I have a "large" bone frame (I know some won't agree with the frame but if the medical community recognizes it so INDIVIDUALS won't change my mind) I am in the healthy BMI range and have 23% body fat. With all of that being said.... I STILL hated the reflection staring back at me because of the number on my scale. I went to the doc for help. After getting the help I needed (yes medication was included) I have changed my mind set. First, I don't have a scale in my house. I measure my success in inches. I go to the gym 5 days a week. Most days I don't close my diary because I don't want to see the "if every day were like today". I know that I am doing what it takes to be HEALTHY. I am still learning how to love ME! Quotes that help me when I am having a moment or even a week is this.... YOU are worth more than a number! And skinny girls look good in clothes, fit girls look good naked!! I have since come off of the medication for what was diagnosed as depression but the tools I learned through the process made a huge difference with the relationship I have with myself. I wish the very best for you.

mccindy72

Seek a trusted adult and/or a professional.

^^ THIS!!

Posting a TL/DR post alont with such a lovely title is a surefire way to have a trainwreck of a thread by the afternoon. Because pretty soon everyones 2 cents will be given (which is great) but when people start disagreeing with each other, the thread will be derailed, people will start arguing about how you should live your life and it will all be eventually deleted. Then how will you feel about yourself?

Well aren't you just a negative Nancy. Looking over this thread, I don't see any opposing views, but rather a lot of people who are willing to reach out and help, except for you. Condemning someone for reaching out is like yelling "Jump!" to someone on the roof of a building. If you can't be supportive, perhaps you should keep your opinions to yourself.