New report shows that it is impossible to lose weight.

uconnwinsnc
uconnwinsnc Posts: 1,054 Member
in Chit-Chat
http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-finds-it-is-impossible-to-lose-weight-no,32770/



WASHINGTON—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, it is impossible to lose weight, no one has ever lost a single pound of fat through diet or exercise, and those attempting to do so are advised to abandon their weight loss goals immediately.

The study, conducted by scientists at The National Weight Control Registry, determined conclusively that shedding excess weight has never occurred, changing your appearance is impossible, and that it actually feels “pretty nice” to just give up and realize that you’re powerless to alter your body mass index in any way, shape, or form.

“Our findings indicate that if you’re trying to lose weight, you will fail—and that’s because you can’t, no one has, and you need to stop trying because it will never happen,” said Dr. Rena Wing, lead author of the report. “You could work out every day and eat nothing, and you still wouldn’t lose an ounce. And the sooner you throw up your hands and make peace with that fact, the better off you’ll be.”

“Our data demonstrates that you’re doomed to look the way you look,” Wing added. “You are stuck in your body and it’s never going to look any better than it does right now. In fact, it will only get worse.”

According to the study, running on a treadmill every morning at 6 a.m. will not help anyone lose weight, and neither will cutting carbohydrates from one’s diet, eating smaller portions throughout the day, doing yoga, or hiring a personal trainer. In addition, the study went on to state that everyone who tried the previous methods have only ended up feeling disappointed and in some cases heartbroken, especially after individuals step onto a scale and realize that, after two weeks of healthy eating and nonstop exercise, they’ve actually gained two or more pounds.

The report added that skinny people stay skinny, overweight people remain overweight, that’s how it has always been, that’s how it will always be, and every study, book, or news article you’ve ever read that has told you otherwise has been totally and completely wrong.

“Going to the gym is a waste of time if you are doing it to lose weight,” said University of California physiologist Dr. Andrew Novak, adding that time working out would be better spent reading, spending time with your family, sleeping, watching television, or eating. “Now, if you are exercising to prevent heart disease or cancer, well, new evidence has come to light that exercise actually doesn’t help fend off any sort of debilitating illness. In fact, it never has, and the only thing that can help you avoid terminal diseases is pure, blind fate.”

“Sorry,” he added.

The study went on to say that while losing weight is impossible, gaining weight is not only well within the realm of what is physically achievable, but is “remarkably easy and 100 percent inevitable.”


:laugh:
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Replies

  • Jkowals123
    Jkowals123 Posts: 133 Member
    Crazy, don't believe one word!
  • Barbonica
    Barbonica Posts: 337 Member
    Oh my, how do I explain my 56 pound loss over the past 2.5 years? I guess those new clothes I bought in smaller sizes have to be returned, because they will not fit me - ever. Shocking - thank you for sharing this information so I can stop paying for my gym membership, stop buying running shoes and weight lifting shoes, and will no longer need to buy new clothes. you have saved me a ton of money. :drinker:
  • davepearson86
    davepearson86 Posts: 158 Member
    Oh well I guess I'll just give up then
  • rgugs13
    rgugs13 Posts: 197 Member
    You all realize that if The Onion is a satire news website, right? It is a joke.
  • BeckyMBisMe
    BeckyMBisMe Posts: 215 Member
    chill people, this article should have been posted in fun & games. It's from "the onion" after all! nice try OP :wink:
  • Muddy_Yogi
    Muddy_Yogi Posts: 1,459 Member
    :::throws in towel::: well if the onion reported it...it must be so.
  • Mr_Bad_Example
    Mr_Bad_Example Posts: 2,403 Member
    In... for people actually taking this seriously.

    hermes-popcorn.gif
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    Get the spoof, but it's pretty bang on the money for the "two weeks into healthy eating & exercise can lead to a couple of pound weight gain"... Ah, satire at its best :yawn:
  • Jersey_Devil
    Jersey_Devil Posts: 4,142 Member
    sounds legit
  • Sreneesa
    Sreneesa Posts: 1,170 Member
    You all realize that if The Onion is a satire news website, right? It is a joke.

    That is correct! lol
  • uconnwinsnc
    uconnwinsnc Posts: 1,054 Member
    hehe
  • pinkraynedropjacki
    pinkraynedropjacki Posts: 3,027 Member
    http://www.nwcr.ws/Research/default.htm


    Ummm right there they state how people have lost weight......



    someone is lying big time.
  • tigersword
    tigersword Posts: 8,059 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.
  • Dino_bacon2112
    Dino_bacon2112 Posts: 341 Member
    http://www.nwcr.ws/Research/default.htm


    Ummm right there they state how people have lost weight......



    someone is lying big time.

    really-amy-poehler.gif
  • pinkraynedropjacki
    pinkraynedropjacki Posts: 3,027 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.

    Well considering I've never gone onto that site & didnt know it existed till now..... kinda hard to know that right? I don't follow bull**** sites.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    Good ole Onion.
  • mister_universe
    mister_universe Posts: 6,664 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.

    Well considering I've never gone onto that site & didnt know it existed till now..... kinda hard to know that right? I don't follow bull**** sites.

    And yet... here you are. :huh: :ohwell:
  • ItsMeGee3
    ItsMeGee3 Posts: 13,254 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.

    Well considering I've never gone onto that site & didnt know it existed till now..... kinda hard to know that right? I don't follow bull**** sites.

    And yet... here you are. :huh: :ohwell:
    hehehe
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • Sinisterly
    Sinisterly Posts: 10,913 Member
    Oh no, I'm screwed, then! That means the weight I lost was all in my head! No wonder I've felt all floaty lately.
  • Fullsterkur_woman
    Fullsterkur_woman Posts: 2,712 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.

    Well considering I've never gone onto that site & didnt know it existed till now..... kinda hard to know that right? I don't follow bull**** sites.
    But you read the article, right? I think your satire detector needs re-calibration. :huh:
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
    The Onion's version of JSF.

    Quality
  • eric_sg61
    eric_sg61 Posts: 2,925 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.

    Well considering I've never gone onto that site & didnt know it existed till now..... kinda hard to know that right? I don't follow bull**** sites.

    And yet... here you are. :huh: :ohwell:
    black-kid-oh-snap.gif
  • Mr_Bad_Example
    Mr_Bad_Example Posts: 2,403 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.

    Well considering I've never gone onto that site & didnt know it existed till now..... kinda hard to know that right? I don't follow bull**** sites.

    They have this thing called "Google"... you should check it out sometime.
  • tigersword
    tigersword Posts: 8,059 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.

    Well considering I've never gone onto that site & didnt know it existed till now..... kinda hard to know that right? I don't follow bull**** sites.
    And this is why people believe the stupidest things, nobody bothers to actually check out the source of an article. "If it's on the internet, it must be real!" A 5 second look at the web site itself would've told you it's a satirical site. Heck, they even publish an actual print newspaper and have their own radio station.
  • ihad
    ihad Posts: 7,463 Member
    :-p
  • YoungDoc2B
    YoungDoc2B Posts: 1,593 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.

    Well considering I've never gone onto that site & didnt know it existed till now..... kinda hard to know that right? I don't follow bull**** sites.
    But you read the article, right? I think your satire detector needs re-calibration. :huh:

    Lol iknorite
  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,219 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.

    Well considering I've never gone onto that site & didnt know it existed till now..... kinda hard to know that right? I don't follow bull**** sites.
    And this is why people believe the stupidest things, nobody bothers to actually check out the source of an article. "If it's on the internet, it must be real!" A 5 second look at the web site itself would've told you it's a satirical site. Heck, they even publish an actual print newspaper and have their own radio station.

    I was thinking the same thing. Sad how many people just believe what's on the internet. They don't bother looking into the page or the author.
  • wild_wild_life
    wild_wild_life Posts: 1,334 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.

    Well considering I've never gone onto that site & didnt know it existed till now..... kinda hard to know that right? I don't follow bull**** sites.
    And this is why people believe the stupidest things, nobody bothers to actually check out the source of an article. "If it's on the internet, it must be real!" A 5 second look at the web site itself would've told you it's a satirical site. Heck, they even publish an actual print newspaper and have their own radio station.

    I was thinking the same thing. Sad how many people just believe what's on the internet. They don't bother looking into the page or the author.

    Actually in this case it's pretty obvious it's a joke without even knowing the source...

    But what makes the onion funny is that it's not really that much of a stretch.

    http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/09/30/iranian-news-agency-claims-onion-report-it-ran-by-mistake-is-essentially-true/
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
    Apparently you missed the part where it's an article from The Onion. In other words, it's a joke.

    Well considering I've never gone onto that site & didnt know it existed till now..... kinda hard to know that right? I don't follow bull**** sites.
    And this is why people believe the stupidest things, nobody bothers to actually check out the source of an article. "If it's on the internet, it must be real!" A 5 second look at the web site itself would've told you it's a satirical site. Heck, they even publish an actual print newspaper and have their own radio station.

    I was thinking the same thing. Sad how many people just believe what's on the internet. They don't bother looking into the page or the author.

    Yea, but from the poster who made the above statement, it's not really much of a surprise

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