orthorexia/anorexia self-recovery help

xlainerx

Hi,

I am currently going through exactly the same issues. I find myself always promising that the next day will be different and i will eat different and 'unsafe' foods, but as soon as it comes to it, I struggle. My appetite is also very up and down. At the moment I don't feel like I have any appetite so eating is a big struggle, but other times I feel ravenous. I have never wanted to be thin and absolutely hate how my body looks when it is so underweight, but for some reason I can't let go of the control (even though realistically I'm not actually in control and the eating disorder is!).

The other day I wrote out a list of foods I used to previously enjoy that I would no longer allow myself. I now make it my mission to indulge in these foods. I find it helps slightly to have them written down (and I have written a LOT down!) because when someone offers me a food from the list, I am more inclined to eat it when I know I can tick it off the list as an achievement. I have a big variety of things written down such as my mums chicken curry and rice that I used to love, a jaffa cake, apple crumble.

I have also tried giving over the control to my mum with some meals. I tell her to cook me a meal and I make sure I stay out of the kitchen whilst she's cooking (if I see she is adding oil etc I go into a major panic, freak out, and tell her I will make my own after all).

I am also trying to avoid going to restaurants which have the calories on the menu as no matter how hard I try, I am always inclined to opt for the meal with the lowest calories. I still try and work out the calories and fat content etc when I am looking at a menu without the calories listed, but at least it takes the pressure away of forcing me to get the lowest calorie meal.

I have also tried replacing my snacks with foods I find difficult. Instead of having an apple I might have a chocolate. I know it doesn't sound like much at all but it is just about making those steps towards eating difficult and fattier foods, and breaking the habits of always having fruit for a snack etc. I am also trying to alter the vegetable/salad:carbs ratio. Normally I would have some lean protein ith a huge portion of veg and salad, but now I am trying to replace some of the greenery with carbohydrates like potato/chips/pasta/rice.

I really enjoy my food and look forward to my meals and I worry that adding in extra, more calorific snacks will spoil my appetite for my next meal. Sounds so pathetic but I want to be hungry enough to enjoy loads of food which I class as healthy and nutrient dense, instead of 'wasting calories' on a few chocolates for a snack. I know this is a very bad mindset to have, and although these foods are generally very healthy, they are not actually very healthy for me and my situation right now and it would probably be better for me to be eating a load of doughnuts and high fat and sugary foods!!

freddi11e

I have so much to say here from personal experience.....(Would it be ok to PM you?)

Biggest thing I have to say though is- I know what it is like to feel like you are trapped in your own head- to feel like you are a puppet to the controlling thoughts. It is possible to break free of them....i've spoken to so many people who have- but for now i'm still searching.

I don't want to scare you but in recovering from complete restriction in hospital I started to resort to other things- and I found it very hard to find a balance.....I either didn't eat or I ate what I considered to be "too much". And I don't care what anyone says- that matters as well- how you feel about it. If you think that 1000calories is too much- then it is too much and you'll need help to get through it. (although we all know realistically that 1000 is not enough to give the body what it needs).

They talks of two "selves" when it comes to eating disorders...."the healthy self" and "the eating disordered self"....they are constantly in battle against one another. You feel like one part of you is so hesitant to put something in your mouth but the other part of you is saying "just eat the bloody thing- you know you need it". Recovering I think is about giving more power and trust to your healthy self- that is what i'm working on.

I can't emphasise enough though that you need professionals to help you do this- it is so miserable living with an ED and you DESERVE to be free of that monster.

THIS^^

dcglobalgirl

Hey there,

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you but I just wanted to say that you are incredibly BRAVE and STRONG for taking the step to tell your mother what is going on with you. You are doing a wonderful thing for your health and your life in facing this problem and trying to fix it. You do deserve to get well and you do deserve to get help. We will all be supporting you!

hungrygirl325

Oh my goodness I just read through everyone's advice and I can't thank everyone here enough!!! I always knew I had to see a professional, but then at the same time my ED self doesn't want to gain weight so of course I just turned here and I wasn't really too sure what to expect. Maybe some hope that I could do it on my own, but I KNOW that's just my ed talking to me because it can be in control of me still.

I am seeing my doctor this Tuesday for my weigh in and to talk about seeing a nutritionist/other professional to help me balance my meals more because I have been on a restricting/binging cycle for about 2 weeks and my body just feels awful for it. I realize more than ever that I need help fast!!

Thank you again SO much everyone for your advice and support and encouragement!!!! I really appreciate it a lot.

davert123

Oh my goodness I just read through everyone's advice and I can't thank everyone here enough!!! I always knew I had to see a professional, but then at the same time my ED self doesn't want to gain weight so of course I just turned here and I wasn't really too sure what to expect. Maybe some hope that I could do it on my own, but I KNOW that's just my ed talking to me because it can be in control of me still.

I am seeing my doctor this Tuesday for my weigh in and to talk about seeing a nutritionist/other professional to help me balance my meals more because I have been on a restricting/binging cycle for about 2 weeks and my body just feels awful for it. I realize more than ever that I need help fast!!

Thank you again SO much everyone for your advice and support and encouragement!!!! I really appreciate it a lot.

This is great to hear :-) You do need medical advice from people who understand you. The problem with forums (in general so I'm not being specific) will often give opinion dressed as fact as well as peoples own experience as something that will extrapolate to you. The latter may be true but it also may not. I think the biggest thing I would suggest is that you eat whatever you want as long as the food doesn't contain anything that could affect your brain - this list includes sugar, caffeine,alcohol, codeine (unless you really need it) (and any drugs that are currently illegal) and aspartame. A lot of people are not affected by these but if you are it could trigger binge type behaviour and you have enough on your plate right now to deal with. Also if you can get hold of one I would suggest you see an integrative, gestalt or transactional analysis psychotherapist. These will help you attack any possible underlying issues that you have (and that you may not even know you have). Eating disorders are complex as you know and attacking it on many fronts (GP/psychiatrist , your own generated self knowledge and a psychotherapist) should help you a lot. Don't give up , one day at a time for now and you can make it :-)

flumi_f

My first thought was to try adding fat to your meals, since you're craving peanut butter/ice cream. What about adding some olive oil when you cook your meat, or adding avocado or yogurt to your veggies? Milk would be a good idea too.

^^This came to my mind too. Because that's what is missing in your lean meat and veggies. Nothing against them! But you my need to add some healthy fats.

fificrazy

It's not considered "binging" if you're underweight/eating disordered. You can't be both on the restrictive end AND binging end of the spectrum. In cases like yours, it's actually considered reactive eating. And it's actually really good for you! Embrace this hunger, eat no less than 2,500 calories a day (3,000 and more is even better!) and try to get as much rest as possible! There are no bad foods for you right now- food isn't a moral issue. The more calorie dense and processed, the more easily your body can digest it and start working on repairs! Keep eating. Glad to see you take the first step toward recovery!

fificrazy

3000 calories is not healthy, but neither is 700.

Sorry but you probably shouldn't be on this thread advising. You know nothing about recovering from Anorexia, clearly, because 3,000 is actually the MINIMUM amount someone recovering should be eating every day. This number is taking into accounts daily needs AND repairs! Not only that, but "macros" DO NOT MATTER in recovery. ALL CALORIES ARE EQUAL. A malnourished body will make repairs on Cheetos and Hagen-Daaz just as it would chicken breasts and almonds. There should be NO restricting during recovery- denying any types of food based on self-imposed/cultural "morality" will only reinforce NEGATIVE neural connections in an ED patients brain.

To go further into calorie amounts in recovery, though, it's actually normal for someone coming out of restriction/starvation to eat 10,000 calories in a day! Look up the Minnesota Starvation experiment. In a lot of recovery circles, it's refered to as "extreme hunger" and everything from the mere thought of food to feeling like an endless pit should be honored as a genuine hunger cue! During anorexia, normal hunger cues are destroyed (literally a neural disconnection in the brain) which is why refeeding can result in so much fear and anxiety, because an anorexic's brain literally cannot make the connection that food is healthy, good, necessary. That's why this is an actual disease.

After eating recovery amounts until weight starts to stabilize (on it's own- NO RESTRICTION- and beware most people overshoot at first), hunger cues should have returned and a normal consistency in appetite (2,500-3,000 is generally average) will continue.

Graelwyn75

They key to breaking the binge restrict cycle is to not restrict when you binge. It is the restrict response that is partly triggering the binge. The binges also represent a total release of control, because you are so controlling of your diet the rest of the time. Been there, done that and have decades of eating disorder issues behind me. You need to incorporate nuts, seeds, avocado, some cheese...fats, basically and to aim for a healthy balance of all the macro nutrients. Your body is trying to grab back what you have deprived it of for so long but you can take control of this by ensuring that you fill up on enough healthy food that you simply wont have room or desire to binge. Also, keep yourself occupied between meals as boredom can be a real trigger.

madisonpaige2411

I have followed this post for a little while now. You and I share the same affliction (orthorexia with anorexic tendencies). It is a very unpleasant struggle and a lot of days are harder than others; what makes those days worse is when they're back to back. I constantly put my hands on my hips and waist to reassure myself oh how thin I am. that's not helpful. I eat, sure, but my problem is the excessive exercise (i walk to school, it;s about a half hour walk one way but some days i walk round trip. i have to in order to save money for my rent., call it penny pinching , i call it doing what i can.) i also don't add much variety. I understand your struggle because I am going through it myself. I wish you the best of luck and I know that you will get through it. I have to get through it too, not just for my family, my friends or myself. but for everyone else suffering from society's vision of "perfection and beauty". I'm recovering for myself, yes; but i am also recovering to inspire.

cheers.

Greytfish

Consider asking for a referral to a eating disorder clinic (dependent on country, health insurance, etc). Many ED clinics have multidisciplinary teams w/ medical doctors/nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, nutritionists, etc. they also can have varied level of care depending on the depths of the eating issues, medical complications, place in recovery. Care can range from inpatient, to intensive outpatient, to even weekly or less. Consider a multidisciplinary perspective. Talk to your doctor about your concerns.

Edit: darn autocorrect

This. Or at least seek out some counseling. If Insurance won't cover it, there should be no or low cost options in your area. This is really not something you want to deal with without some professional help, at least initially.

fannyfrost

Haven't read all the replies, but your binge and eating 3,00 calories should not be seen as a concern. Part of the reason you are concerned is because you have ED, so you are afraid to go over the top, but reality is that eating even 5,000 calories one day will not make you obese.

Think more about what you eat for a whole week. There are days where you may be hungrier and other days, where you aren't as hungry. That is normal. Its OK. Look at your diet on the whole, not one day or one food or one piece.

Recovery will take time. Only your Doctor can tell you how many calories to eat and even then I wouldn't stress it. I think just have a little fun for a bit and try to keep it healthy.

cep53

Hi, congratulations on taking the first step towards recovery! I haven't read all the replies to this topic, but I wouldn't think 3000 calories would be too much either for steady weight gain. However, I had anorexia when I was a teenager and when I decided to deal with it I gained the weight so fast I then found it difficult to control my weight gain even after I had reached a healthy weight. I was eating probably 5000 calories a day some days, which I slipped into very quickly once I had the mindset of gaining weight. I have been a bit too heavy for about 5 years now. So I would warn you not to get into the habit of bingeing, which I did, and not to get into the habit of eating huge huge quantities of food, because it just makes you hungry for those sorts of quantities, so that it becomes difficult to eat a healthy amount later. I think I have really messed up my appetite and metabolism through all the extreme starving and then binge eating. Also if you gain weight too fast you will get stretch marks, which isn't the end of the world, but is a bit depressing. Good luck, anyway!

msbardell

Anorexic in high school. I also would limit to 400 - 700 cals/day.

Bingeing is really hard on your digestive system. Though, I am guilty of eating an entire bag of red licorice once or twice a year. We're only human, we all have weaknesses. Really, really try to not do it once your at a "healthy" weight. But I also understand that in recovery you just gotta eat.


There are a ton of boards on "clean eating," following a standard of 80% calories from unprocessed wholesome foods (veggies, fruits, whole grains, lean meats, and moderate dairy), and 20% whatever.
Clean eating is basically just eating the foods that human beings are supposed to.
Do you have a pinterest? It's an awesome resource for clean eating propaganda.

I run a "functionally organic" veggie and grass-fed beef farm with my husband and his parents. So it's easy for me to access all the produce and lean meat that I could ever dream of. Other people might have financial constraints on obtaining lots of produce. Do you have an Aldi in your town? They offer produce at reasonable prices, and have lots of minimally processed foods without too many preservatives. Maybe volunteer at a local farm like mine in your area?

Add me, we can chat.

msbardell

Also, keep yourself occupied between meals as boredom can be a real trigger.

^^yep

ztaitaifufu

having structure around your eating is so important, also having supportive people around you when you are eating, as at this stage in recovery it can easily get out of control if you are by yourself. with that said i really don't think it's good to count kcal at this time and try not to weigh yourself outside of the dr, some people even find that they are most successful just doing blind weights at this time - ask your dr about it for next time if you think this would help you.
i would really second what msbardell just said, right now when you're at the start of recovery your body needs to heal a lot of kcal are required to do this - but they should be of the highest possible quality to give you the best chance of escaping the permanent damage EDs cause. when you are closer to being weight restored - that's when you should focus on challenging yourself with trigger & fear foods. right now it will only lead to bingeing which can easily turn into another side of the disease. this is one of the biggest dangers of trying to recover on your own, the structure of inpatient really helps you eat sufficiently without it osculating to the other end of the spectrum. recovery is possible though, you can do this!

jamiemitchell12

I had a problem similar to yours in high school and I was told to eat 2800 calories per day to gain, so I'm just seconding that the 1500-2000 calories per day is wayy off. Even eating 2800 calories per day to gain, the gain was pretty slow and very healthy.
Don't worry about eating more than 3000 calories today. Try to just forget about calories. I know you'll still be thinking abuot them in the back of your mind, but calories shouldn't control you and bring guilt and worry if you go over a certain number. When I saw a dietitian she was hesitant to tell me how many calories she wanted me to eat because she didn't want me to feel bad if I ever ate more. If you eat 500 calories more at dinner, it really won't make any difference. Every person on this website who's trying to lose weight has had a day where they eat 500 calories over maintenance and nothing bad happens. It's the same with gaining weight. If you stick to near 3000 other days, one day of 3500 is absolutely A-okay. Try not to fret about it.

as a young person who is currently seeing a dietician to repair damage caused by past disordered eating, this is rly helpful !! i still count calories (... probably unhealthy for me to be using myfitnesspal if im recovering but oh well) and when the total starts to near 3k, i freak out. i need to gain weight but 2.5k calories/day seems more like a "healthy weight gain" plan to me. i don't know, its tricky. but knowing that even pre-2014, 2.8k was normal for recovery makes me feel less guilty