Should I quit - husband's afraid I'll look like a dude
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Do you have any idea how much time you would have to spend in the gym to "look like a dude"? He would leave you for not being at home enough before he left you for being "too bulky".0
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Its because no one told you .. but spouses don't like when their other half is making steps to better themselves .. as they figure that they will be left behind in the dust. Typical insecurity issues.
Good luck .. and keep doing it. You don't need to stop cause he is insecure.0 -
"Bulky" is in the eye of the beholder. Physiologically, we women don't produce enough testosterone to cause our bodies to gain any significant type of bulk during average weight lifting. Those bodybuilder women have to take lots of different supplements, as well as do heavy lifting for several hours a day, to achieve the muscle bulk they have.
I would talk to him and let him know that you like your body right now. Don't let him shame you into not lifting weights, because you are doing it for you. His fear really doesn't have very much ground.0 -
Like others have said:
1. He's scared you'll leave him.
2. He's scared that you won't need him to do "man" things.
Was he this much a jerk about the gym before you started going?
A supportive person doesn't mock you or what you do.0 -
I have to agree as well. (In response to jos05 and kimosabe1 on being bound for divorce) I don't wish to downrate your husband , but, for a spouse to be unsupportive/discontent of their partner's happiness in their endeavors is really..sh*tty to be quite honest. I think if you communicate with him that you don't appreciate his jokes and remarks towards your strength training and that you love the new body you've given yourself then he should respect that and stop being negative about it.0
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I agree with you. Problem is, he actually DOESN'T like the way I look right now as much as did before. I do.
Wait, he likes the way you looked before at 98lbs, which you described as looking like "death?" I think there are deeper issues here. I'm out.0 -
That's a sad situation. I can understand both sides. If it's something you really like doing, he should support you. On the other hand, it sounds like he is scared that you may end up stronger than him, and it sounds like he's embarrassed by that. He's also scared that you'll "look like a man". That simply isn't true.
Honestly, I would just continue doing what you're doing. If he cant understand it and is being irrational about it, do it privately. Esp if you know you're goal is not to get bulky.
I do feel like he is being ridiculous, and if he's belittling you, than that's a bigger problem that needs to be addressed. He is absolutely right to voice concerns. But not if he is doing it in a condescending way. Maybe you all can come to a compromise at some point.0 -
Some men just don't like muscles PERIOD. I remember telling some family and friends at dinner that I wouldn't mind having a body like Jillian Michaels or Carina from Dancing With the Stars and ALL of the men told me "Starla, NO MAN wants a woman who looks like that!!" 3 men at the table told me this. On a different occasion, one man told me Jillian looks like a dude. But when I went home and asked my husband he said he is fine with me continuing the weights and if I ended up looking like those two girls, he wouldn't mind. Ha, ha, I bet he won't! :blushing:
Anyway, maybe you can keep working out to be healthy and just try not to get too muscular.0 -
I like the idea of the 1lb pink weights and the Zumba jacket - that was really cute. I'm just really uncomfortable with the whole "my secret gym life" thing. Sounds like being "vague" is the way to go.0
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He sounds insecure. Is he in shape?0
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My husband also doesn't like the muscular look. It's a preference thing and he's allowed to his opinion. I wanted to take my fitness routine in a different direction so I chose to do an at home strength training program, which uses body weight. I love doing it, but if anything it's made me leaner, definitely not more muscular. My husband knows I do it but it's really not a big deal.
I also have plans to start building a home gym this summer, and while my husband won't be thrilled at this, he won't get on my case about it and be negative. He's incredibly proud and has been very supportive of me as I've gone through this whole process, and while we may have different aesthetic preferences/ideas he will support me in whatever I do. We've been married 11 years and have an amazing relationship
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Thing is, I WANT to get huge. I like the hard work it takes and I like the way I "feel the pump" when it's happening. My inspirational body type is Dana Linn Bailey and my powerlifting hero is Caitlyn Trout. He thinks they both look like freaks. Maybe, but I like it. I agree with many posts that perhaps we've got some weird ways of speaking to each other, but after 20 years you get to a comfort zone where you say some pretty ignorant shiz. I'm wanting him to support me in this even though he hates it. I understand where he's coming from. I'd be bummed if he wanted me to support him in something I hated....but I'd do it. Ride or die.0
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Thing is, I WANT to get huge. I like the hard work it takes and I like the way I "feel the pump" when it's happening. My inspirational body type is Dana Linn Bailey and my powerlifting hero is Caitlyn Trout. He thinks they both look like freaks. Maybe, but I like it. I agree with many posts that perhaps we've got some weird ways of speaking to each other, but after 20 years you get to a comfort zone where you say some pretty ignorant shiz. I'm wanting him to support me in this even though he hates it. I understand where he's coming from. I'd be bummed if he wanted me to support him in something I hated....but I'd do it. Ride or die.
That's really tough, being on such different wave lengths with this. I can see where he's coming from and also where you're coming from. If it's becoming a serious issue in your marriage maybe some couple's counseling could help you walk through it? Maybe there's a compromise that could make both of you happy?0 -
No one has addressed this.
He's a professional athlete?
What profession? Any athletes I know have a knowledge of how the body works.
Yes, I do know some NHL players and pro Baseball players.
They're given lectures and take classes to learn this stuff.
Kinesiology. Basic physiology.
How and why exercise and diet work to build, maintain, etc. whatever.
Sounds like there may be more here than the bulking issue......0 -
I'm not gonna name his sport, but he's extremely athletic and slightly sexist. He gets it that exercise is important, but does not think women need big muscles. He is a-ok with me being a cardio zombie all day long. He's not a bad guy, he's actually really great. But he's old school in his values and roles in marriage (I'm usually pretty cool with that).0
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sounds ilk an idiot..maybe its time to ditch him….0
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sounds ilk an idiot..maybe its time to ditch him….
He's a baller FFS...why would she ditch a pro athlete that she loves and has 20yrs history with?
I saw your body inspiring girl and if i may she looks cut in all the google images I got but I bet when she's not cutting her physique is petite enough to keep yer man happy. I'm not an expert but I suspect nobody lives their life in a constant "cut" low BF state. I suspect he will be happy when you are at goal weight and will only get wierd at the times you cut if you decide to compete.
For now just do your thang and drop the topic until youze a badass and the change will be so gradual he won't even notice.
TIME in the gym is another thing though. If you go ballz out, he may detest THAT. This is my humble and uninformed opinion. Uninformed about cut and lifting. Informed about husbands.0 -
Mychocolatediet: I like your advice. I try to explain to Dude, I'm like 15% bf and will NEVER look like that, but I can dream and try to copy. Maybe instead of trying to explain my position to him, I just keep going without talking about it. I'd like to have an event to work toward, but for now maybe just silently try to grow and work on PRs0
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Mystery is a really good thing. I think MCD hit the nail on the proverbial head.
In this instance, what he doesn't know won't hurt him and even better, you won't have to have the Argument any more.
"Yes, my Zumba class is the best thing EVAH" is the way to keep peace. It would take you years to look like those ladies you aspire to follow. No worries. Do your thang.0 -
he is insecure. He doesn't like you going to the gym because he is sure there are other guys there ready to sweep you off your feet.
let me guess, he doesn't work out at all does he?
BT,DT and im getting divorced:p0 -
Slightly sexist athlete, believes in "traditional" gender roles, makes fun of you for working out...sounds like he's threatened by your progress. It's one thing if he thought you were endangering your health, but this is all about his simple aesthetic preferences, not you being happy and healthy. He should be glad that you're reducing your risk of health issues down the line, as well as being more capable now, not belittling things that bring you joy. He's being totally disrespectful, which is much worse than you not looking the exact way he likes anymore.
You don't want to blow your husband off, but he's not handling this in a way that deserves respect. He's got issues that have nothing to do with your body. Maybe encourage him to take a look at the world around him - Howard Schatz's pictures of female Olympic athletes might open his eyes to the idea that women have amazingly different body types (that have nothing to do with what men like).
Either way, keep doing your thing and don't take his crap. It's not worth your time.0 -
I recommend a divorce.0
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Sounds like he is making his insecurities hinder something you like - that's just my thought. I understand your concern and how you don't want to dismiss his feelings; therefore, try to come to an agreement. If you compromise and give in you will start resenting him. Your feelings matter too!!0
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Actually he's really confident. We have no trust issues at all. He's not jealous of my trainer or suspicious of my gym activities. He really simply just thinks my physique is too crazy for his taste. I don't look like I did when he married me (a realllly long time ago) and he still looks the same.0
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See my profile pic for what weightlifting four days a week with very little cardio did to me. I TOTALLY look like a dood, right?
In all seriousness, it sounds like your husband has some problem with you going to the gym, and he's using the "I don't want you to look like a man" thing as an excuse. If he's a smart dude, he should know that not all women who lift weights look like pro bodybuilders. I would sit him down and have a talk about why he REALLY has an issue with you working out so much. It could be a jealousy issue, it could be that he's afraid you're changing now that you're altering your lifestyle, or any number of things.0 -
I'm not much help, but to me it seems like your husband is putting you down because he is afraid you will look way hotter than you do now, and that means more men will be attracted to you. And or he doesn't like the idea of you being as fit as him. Does he put you down in other areas of your relationship?
if all he does is act like a jerk when you bring this subject up then just stop talking about it and do what you want to do. It's YOUR body. You have to live with it. What matters is how you feel.0 -
I'm not gonna name his sport, but he's extremely athletic and slightly sexist. He gets it that exercise is important, but does not think women need big muscles. He is a-ok with me being a cardio zombie all day long. He's not a bad guy, he's actually really great. But he's old school in his values and roles in marriage (I'm usually pretty cool with that).
The sexism was adorbz until he started dictating to you his idea of an ideal woman and how you should fit it, against your wishes, of course.
Stevie Wonder with blue blockers on, driving in a sand storm, woulda seen this one coming. Yeesh.0 -
I'm lifting 6 days a week for about an hour. Cardio 15 minutes 3 times a week - usually a run. I'm eating 2200-2300 calories a day (down from about 2700 at my peak). I weigh 115 (last month I was 120 and nothing fit and I loved it, but he was like "whoa"). My numbers are not huge: on the regular I do 6-10 reps of DL and squat at 135 lbs. I usually bp around 90 lbs. I've got a long way to go before I REALLY look like a guy, but I'm definitely looking bigger than I did this time last year. I have no photos.0
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Except you missed the part about how I'm usually cool with his old school values. Lets be clear, I'm not having a problem with my role in my marriage. I'm looking for a way to convince my man to like my more muscular body. I'm not mad at him for being the guy he is - I've been married to one man for decades and we don't have any outside kids, he provides for me and our children and doesn't run around on me.0
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I'm lifting 6 days a week for about an hour. Cardio 15 minutes 3 times a week - usually a run. I'm eating 2200-2300 calories a day (down from about 2700 at my peak). I weigh 115 (last month I was 120 and nothing fit and I loved it, but he was like "whoa"). My numbers are not huge: on the regular I do 6-10 reps of DL and squat at 135 lbs. I usually bp around 90 lbs. I've got a long way to go before I REALLY look like a guy, but I'm definitely looking bigger than I did this time last year. I have no photos.
Carry on with your Bad Self. He loves you, he's just voicing an opinion. We all know everyone has one. It would be great if he was all, "Hell to the Yeah," but you know him best. Make it work for you. He's not going anywhere. Make some cupcakes...or sumthin :laugh:0
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