My fiancé just doesn't get it :/

13

Replies

  • Marcia315
    Marcia315 Posts: 460 Member
    As a person with a significant other I have to tell you this:

    You won't agree on everything. You don't have to. What you do have to do is be nice to each other when you disagree. He thinks one thing, you think another. There is no need to determine who is right and who is wrong. Let it go. He only wants what is best for you.

    This too. My husband thinks women should do high reps, low weight, that dietary fat should be avoided at all costs and licorice is better than chocolate because it's fat free.

    clearly your husband is an idiot. :tongue:
  • lizj0nes21
    lizj0nes21 Posts: 115
    I have been working out, I don't plan on only losing weight by my diet, I am just trying to get back on real with my workout. But what's frustrating me is that he is trying to tell me that I HAVE to work out or I WONT lose weight, and that's not right. I have no intentions of not working out, I know that it helps. But he just doesn't understand everything and it's frustrating. I know he's trying, but he thinks that just because he doesn't understand it that it's wrong. I'm just venting for my own sanity and looking for anyone else who is or has been going through this.
    It's not that I want two different things, I simply want one thing. I want to be able to talk to him about all of this without him telling me it's wrong just because he doesn't understand it.

    so you are exercising and losing weight, and he is telling you that you must exercise to lose weight?

    Whats the problem then? Just say, i know, i am and its working

    I had started out exercising but since my birthday (this past Tuesday) I fell off the exercise wagon and I'm really tryin to get back on. But his problem is that I haven't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm screwing everything up and giving up on getting into shape even though I'm still stayig within my calories and eating better. I plan on getting back into exercising because I don't want to be flabby in my stomach when I lose the weight. But the argument was over the fact that I hadn't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm ruining all of my progress and that I'm giving up, which I'm not by any means.
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
    The biggest key to successful weightloss is a deficit through diet.

    FIFY! :flowerforyou:
  • lizj0nes21
    lizj0nes21 Posts: 115
    I have been working out, But what's frustrating me is that he is trying to tell me that I HAVE to work out or I WONT lose weight,

    So wait. You plan on working out, he tells you to work out and your frustrated because.. you don't want to be reminded to work out. .. Personally, I think your ignore button is broken.
    Personally, if you want your marrage to survive, you need to get that ignore button fix.

    I had started out exercising but since my birthday (this past Tuesday) I fell off the exercise wagon and I'm really tryin to get back on. But his problem is that I haven't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm screwing everything up and giving up on getting into shape even though I'm still stayig within my calories and eating better. I plan on getting back into exercising because I don't want to be flabby in my stomach when I lose the weight. But the argument was over the fact that I hadn't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm ruining all of my progress and that I'm giving up, which I'm not by any means.
  • Shuuma
    Shuuma Posts: 465 Member
    It sounds like you're fighting about something a bit trivial. He thinks you need to exercise to lose weight; you don't. My first response would probably be "Okay, honey. Good thing I'm working out, then!" and go along my way.

    I do know that I'm stubborn enough to lose weight without exercising at all just to prove my point, but the fact is, exercise makes you healthy and it can help you lose weight faster (in many instances).

    When faced with this type of conflict, I really just try to decide if it's a battle I want to fight. Otherwise, I do my best to support his opinion without giving my own up.

    Maybe finding an article that supports both points of view is in order. A little research should help you find something that has good data on both sides of the debate.

    Good luck.

    ETA: If you didn't initially gain your weight in three days, you won't gain it back in three days.
  • BlackandWhitePhotoOp
    BlackandWhitePhotoOp Posts: 308 Member
    This is my advice from personal experience only:
    1. I feel your pain. My GF can be wishy washy on supporting me. She tells me I look like I'm toning up and losing weight, then in the next breath she will say she doesn't see the changes in pictures. So, I don't rely on her observation for my success. When she compliments me, I say, "thanks babe" and leave it that. :wink:

    2. Everyone thinks they know everything about weight loss/ toning up. Whether it's your Fiance or friends, people are gonna throw out some interesting theories your way. Weight loss and healthy lifesyle changings are trial and error. You will learn what works for you !! I don't even tell friends and family that I am trying to loose weight anymore.. Just to avoid hearing everyone's ideas about how I should go about it.

    3. When the fiance' tries to add his bit of advice, just "o.k." him and nod with acknowledgement or say something like, " you may be on to something" . That's why you are on MPF, to make friends with the same goals as you. You can vent to us, ask us questions, and get support.
    :flowerforyou: good luck
  • lizj0nes21
    lizj0nes21 Posts: 115
    ...really dedicated to getting into shape...keeps trying to convince me that I HAVE to exercise...I'm doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred...my fiancé trying to drill it into my head that I absolutely have to work out...

    You're fighting about working out and how you don't have to work out but you're already working out?

    I had started out exercising but since my birthday (this past Tuesday) I fell off the exercise wagon and I'm really tryin to get back on. But his problem is that I haven't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm screwing everything up and giving up on getting into shape even though I'm still stayig within my calories and eating better. I plan on getting back into exercising because I don't want to be flabby in my stomach when I lose the weight. But the argument was over the fact that I hadn't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm ruining all of my progress and that I'm giving up, which I'm not by any means.
  • JUDDDing
    JUDDDing Posts: 1,367 Member
    Wait until you've been married 20 years or so. Then, he just won't give a crap what you do.

    :drinker:

    19 years tomorrow.
  • kevinjb1
    kevinjb1 Posts: 233 Member
    It sounds like your fiance is a problem solver like my hubby, so when I just want to talk to him and not get feed back I just tell him that. And if I want advise I tell him that. So if you just want someone to talk to, just tell him that is what you want. It doesn't need to be so complicated, or dramatic. simply... listen I just need to vent , or talk , I don't want your help or advise right now.

    ^This is a very underrated skill for us guys to have. It took me a long time to realize the woman in my life isn't looking for advise or for me to fix anything. She's completely capable of doing it herself. She only wants to express her thoughts to someone verbally. Since you don't have any close friends right now that's him for better or worse.

    I'm not saying he's like this, but some people are uncomfortable when their spouse decides to make a big change like this. My girlfriend certainly was when I made the decision to lose weight, and I've seen this theme repeated on these boards. They can start to wonder why you want to do it, and if it has anything to do with being unhappy in your relationship. The reality is that 99.9% of the time it has nothing to do with your spouse and everything to do with trying to make yourself a better person.

    Since you guys are fighting about it, coming on here and venting with you FL or on the message board might be a better option for you right now. Most people on here are very supportive (just ignore the little fights commenters get into with each other).
  • JUDDDing
    JUDDDing Posts: 1,367 Member
    I tried that, he doesn't believe that our bodies burn calories without doing anything (ex: exercising)

    :noway:

    There's GOT to be a moral in this story...
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
    I have been working out, But what's frustrating me is that he is trying to tell me that I HAVE to work out or I WONT lose weight,

    So wait. You plan on working out, he tells you to work out and your frustrated because.. you don't want to be reminded to work out. .. Personally, I think your ignore button is broken.
    Personally, if you want your marrage to survive, you need to get that ignore button fix.

    I had started out exercising but since my birthday (this past Tuesday) I fell off the exercise wagon and I'm really tryin to get back on. But his problem is that I haven't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm screwing everything up and giving up on getting into shape even though I'm still stayig within my calories and eating better. I plan on getting back into exercising because I don't want to be flabby in my stomach when I lose the weight. But the argument was over the fact that I hadn't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm ruining all of my progress and that I'm giving up, which I'm not by any means.

    Hmm, then you may need to specify to him what you mean by "support" when you want him to support you. Do you want him to push you to exercise? Do you want him to question that cookie you're eating in the evening? Do you want him to not mention anything unless it's to congratulate you when you have lost weight? Men aren't mind readers, and being supportive means different things to different people. I know this doesn't exactly help his lack of understanding when it comes to weight loss, but it might help limit his comments on exercise.
  • mfp2014mfp
    mfp2014mfp Posts: 689 Member
    It's not that I want two different things, I simply want one thing. I want to be able to talk to him about all of this without him telling me it's wrong just because he doesn't understand it.

    Then tell him thats what you want. Telling strangers on MFP will not improve your relationship. If you go to a man and tell him about a problem he will try and fix it, that's what they do.

    In HIS mind he is doing the right thing: You came to him with a problem, he's told you his advice, now youre not listening! Why come to him in the first place?!

    In YOUR mind: It's not that I want two different things, I simply want one thing. I want to be able to talk to him about all of this without him telling me it's wrong just because he doesn't understand it.

    You have to be clear when you communicate and understand that he's not a mind reader and see that in his own way this guy is trying to support you. Go back tell him what you need and give him a hug for trying to help imo.
  • Leisalynn84
    Leisalynn84 Posts: 113 Member
    Do what works for you and what YOU need to do for yourself. Don't concern yourself with the other stuff. I can't believe this "blew up into a huge argument". There are way more important things in life to argue about. Pick your battles.

    This
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    ...really dedicated to getting into shape...keeps trying to convince me that I HAVE to exercise...I'm doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred...my fiancé trying to drill it into my head that I absolutely have to work out...

    You're fighting about working out and how you don't have to work out but you're already working out?

    I had started out exercising but since my birthday (this past Tuesday) I fell off the exercise wagon and I'm really tryin to get back on. But his problem is that I haven't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm screwing everything up and giving up on getting into shape even though I'm still stayig within my calories and eating better. I plan on getting back into exercising because I don't want to be flabby in my stomach when I lose the weight. But the argument was over the fact that I hadn't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm ruining all of my progress and that I'm giving up, which I'm not by any means.

    Again you can be right or you can be happy...you know you don't have to workout so why does it matter if he agrees????

    Why not just say to him...."Yes honey I should be working out I know but I just haven't but don't worry I am going to get right back into it..." then leave the baby with him and go do some sort of workout.
  • LuLuChick78
    LuLuChick78 Posts: 439 Member
    Many people here would agree that losing weight is "mostly" about diet. Calories in vs. calories out. Yes you will lose "weight" by eating fewer calories alone. BUT some of the weight you lose will be muscle mass.

    There is a popular saying here ........dieting (alone) is looking better in clothes, and dieting + working out is looking better naked. If there is any possible way you can add strength training do it! I hate strength training. BUT I hate being smaller, yet looking like the Pillsbury Dough (Girl) even more.

    I agree with the above. Both of your arguments are valid....it all depends on your final goals as to who is right.

    Also you seem to think you know all about how it is done on MFP and you joined last month? :huh: I have been here 1.5 years and I STILL don't know a fraction of it.
  • lizj0nes21
    lizj0nes21 Posts: 115
    This is my advice from personal experience only:
    1. I feel your pain. My GF can be wishy washy on supporting me. She tells me I look like I'm toning up and losing weight, then in the next breath she will say she doesn't see the changes in pictures. So, I don't rely on her observation for my success. When she compliments me, I say, "thanks babe" and leave it that. :wink:

    2. Everyone thinks they know everything about weight loss/ toning up. Whether it's your Fiance or friends, people are gonna throw out some interesting theories your way. Weight loss and healthy lifesyle changings are trial and error. You will learn what works for you !! I don't even tell friends and family that I am trying to loose weight anymore.. Just to avoid hearing everyone's ideas about how I should go about it.

    3. When the fiance' tries to add his bit of advice, just "o.k." him and nod with acknowledgement or say something like, " you may be on to something" . That's why you are on MPF, to make friends with the same goals as you. You can vent to us, ask us questions, and get support.
    :flowerforyou: good luck

    Thanks! I love that I can fin people on MFP but my fiancé also complains about me being on my phone too much (all I do on my phone is MFP really)
  • lieselLalor
    lieselLalor Posts: 169 Member
    I think he really is just concerned about you and wants you to not just be skinny but healthy. You can lose weight eating at a deficit no matter what it is. You can eat healthy or you can eat junk food but exercise in any form will do more than just help you lose weight. You can be skinny and really unhealthy.

    I think you just need to have a calm conversation with him. Tell him thank you for trying to be supportive and I understand what you are saying but for now I need to focus on one thing at a time because I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. When YOU feel more ready to continue on with exercise you will but for now focusing on your eating is my first goal. I think he will understand that.

    Good luck.
  • Rogstar
    Rogstar Posts: 216 Member
    Agree with a lot of the previous posters. Just a bump in the road. Do your own thing and prove that what you're learning is the way to go! If he becomes a pest with the exercise deal nod and smile. I'm sure he thinks he's being motivating and supportive!

    Also...wow, you guys are opening a restaurant together at 21? Big congrats and well wishes! I know at 21 my hubby and I were anything but motivated to do anything like that. Heck, it took us 5+ years to graduate from college. Spent a lot of time with online gaming and such. Now we're pretty responsible at 32 but old habits come creeping back sometimes.
  • journey_man
    journey_man Posts: 110 Member
    All if this blew up into a huge argument last night and I got really frustrated and discouraged with everything I'm doing because he's the only person I have in my life (I don't have friend and my family and I don't get along enough for me to talk to them about this. For example, my mother is 200+ pounds and not much taller than me and since I'm already so much smaller than her she thinks I have no right to be unhappy with my body and to be trying to lose weight).
    Family can be tough to get along with, but it's time to initiate and build some friendships. Few things are more valuable and contribute more to your well-being and overall happiness.

    Congrats on your successes otherwise.
  • anson808
    anson808 Posts: 47 Member
    This is my advice from personal experience only:
    1. I feel your pain. My GF can be wishy washy on supporting me. She tells me I look like I'm toning up and losing weight, then in the next breath she will say she doesn't see the changes in pictures. So, I don't rely on her observation for my success. When she compliments me, I say, "thanks babe" and leave it that. :wink:

    2. Everyone thinks they know everything about weight loss/ toning up. Whether it's your Fiance or friends, people are gonna throw out some interesting theories your way. Weight loss and healthy lifesyle changings are trial and error. You will learn what works for you !! I don't even tell friends and family that I am trying to loose weight anymore.. Just to avoid hearing everyone's ideas about how I should go about it.

    3. When the fiance' tries to add his bit of advice, just "o.k." him and nod with acknowledgement or say something like, " you may be on to something" . That's why you are on MPF, to make friends with the same goals as you. You can vent to us, ask us questions, and get support.
    :flowerforyou: good luck

    Thanks! I love that I can fin people on MFP but my fiancé also complains about me being on my phone too much (all I do on my phone is MFP really)

    Sounds like you just want to complain/vent about your fiance.

    Would you rather we all just nod our heads and agree with what you're saying?
  • lawkat
    lawkat Posts: 538 Member
    ...really dedicated to getting into shape...keeps trying to convince me that I HAVE to exercise...I'm doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred...my fiancé trying to drill it into my head that I absolutely have to work out...

    You're fighting about working out and how you don't have to work out but you're already working out?

    I had started out exercising but since my birthday (this past Tuesday) I fell off the exercise wagon and I'm really tryin to get back on. But his problem is that I haven't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm screwing everything up and giving up on getting into shape even though I'm still stayig within my calories and eating better. I plan on getting back into exercising because I don't want to be flabby in my stomach when I lose the weight. But the argument was over the fact that I hadn't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm ruining all of my progress and that I'm giving up, which I'm not by any means.

    I think his concern is valid. You said that he is upset that you haven't worked out in 3 days and thinks you will screw things up. I think what he is trying to convey is that he is concerned that you fitness level will decline the the more time to don't workout. That is completely different than him believing that you need to workout to lose weight. He is right that the more time you don't workout, your fitness level is decline and it will take a few extra days to regain that. Give up on trying to convince him that you don't really need to workout to lose weight. He isn't going to validate what you are saying and you are just going to end up resenting him for it. Don't talk to him about it. Like others have said, go out and make some friends. I know it isn't easy, but someone suggested Meetup.com. It is a great website. You are too young to isolate yourself that way.
  • lizj0nes21
    lizj0nes21 Posts: 115
    This is my advice from personal experience only:
    1. I feel your pain. My GF can be wishy washy on supporting me. She tells me I look like I'm toning up and losing weight, then in the next breath she will say she doesn't see the changes in pictures. So, I don't rely on her observation for my success. When she compliments me, I say, "thanks babe" and leave it that. :wink:

    2. Everyone thinks they know everything about weight loss/ toning up. Whether it's your Fiance or friends, people are gonna throw out some interesting theories your way. Weight loss and healthy lifesyle changings are trial and error. You will learn what works for you !! I don't even tell friends and family that I am trying to loose weight anymore.. Just to avoid hearing everyone's ideas about how I should go about it.

    3. When the fiance' tries to add his bit of advice, just "o.k." him and nod with acknowledgement or say something like, " you may be on to something" . That's why you are on MPF, to make friends with the same goals as you. You can vent to us, ask us questions, and get support.
    :flowerforyou: good luck

    Thanks! I love that I can fin people on MFP but my fiancé also complains about me being on my phone too much (all I do on my phone is MFP really)

    Sounds like you just want to complain/vent about your fiance.

    Would you rather we all just nod our heads and agree with what you're saying?

    No, I am simply explaining my situation. I appreciate everyone's response and I am taking into considerations each one (that's rational, not so much the ones telling me to leave him). So thank you for responding and no I'm not just looking to complain about him and I don't want everyone to just nod their heads. I have had a lot of great suggestions and that is why I was looking for when I posted this thread. Thank you :)
  • Briargrey
    Briargrey Posts: 498 Member
    1. Stop talking to him about it.

    2. Get out there and make some friends. Why don't you have any friends???

    1. Bad idea. Communication is key in relationships.

    2. Not everyone needs friends.

    OP - it is healthier to exercise, sounds like you get that, but you are right that you can lose weight by caloric deficit alone. Perhaps he just needs you to acknowledge it in a different way? Something along the lines of "Yes, you are right, I will be much healthier if I exercise a reasonable amount. I am, however, still losing weight, and for me, I need baby steps of lifestyle changes. So why don't I keep doing this piece and do my 30DS for now and next month, we can look at adding in one more thing?"

    It sounds like he does just want you to be overall healthier and not just skinny. So be happy with the fact that he is concerned!
  • lisalsd1
    lisalsd1 Posts: 1,519 Member
    To be completely honest, I stopped reading the original post about half way through.

    Exercise is for overall health and well-being. You don't have to exercise to lose weight, but you have to exercise to strengthen your heart. It's a muscle.

    Not to be rude...but if this is a serious relationship issue (arguing about dieting vs. exercise), you probably shouldn't get married.
  • NRSPAM
    NRSPAM Posts: 961 Member
    5'3 and 136 you sound healthy. What you probably want to do is build muscle and lose body fat. Not something you are going to do with eating at a defecit alone. It's hard for me to come here and tell you want to do, as I am also 5'3" and sitting at a chunky 150 lbs currently. However .... I have dieted down to 135 in the past with loads of cardio and severe calorie restriction. I was still unhappy with my body, as I was just a smaller version of my former flabby self.

    Take a look at what weight lifting can do for women. This is my new goal, and I hope I have success with it. The thing is...you need to eat to fuel your body, and although the scale might go up, the inches will go down.

    Sorry..but I have to agree with your boyfriend for the kind of results that you are looking for. You are already at a healthy weight.

    ^^^Agreed! You will be amazed at what heavy lifting can do for a woman's body! I know I have been. I've always done machine's, but since I started doing heavy lifting, I must say that I'm starting to really look ahhhmazing!!! Nothing beats a squat booty, and some sexy, toned, curvy arms on a woman. ;) As far as the BF goes. I would just tell him to chill, and that you DO plan on exercising. No, you don't have to do it to lose weight, but it will be much more beneficial in the end. Not only for appearance, but also for your health. If you can just squeeze 3 days in a week, for 30min's-1hour, that is really all it takes. Later on, if you can do more, then do it. :) Don't stress about the small things. Atleast you don't have your husband pointing and laughing everytime you weigh your food. SMH!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    1. Stop talking to him about it.

    2. Get out there and make some friends. Why don't you have any friends???

    1. Bad idea. Communication is key in relationships.

    2. Not everyone needs friends.

    1. This isn't the kind of communication that is key in relationships.

    2. Yeah, they kinda do.
  • Shuuma
    Shuuma Posts: 465 Member
    The additional thought occurs to me that he maybe is encouraging you to get back into your exercise regime the only way he knows how. He sounds like a coach of a sports team revving the guys up for the regional game. He sees you (admittedly) slacking off and knows it will be harder to get back at it the longer you go. Maybe he's going about it awkwardly, but maybe it's just the best way he understands to motivate you to get back into the routine.

    Good luck and get back to your workout!! :flowerforyou:
  • bagge72
    bagge72 Posts: 1,377 Member
    You look great, so don't really worry about it, just do want you want to do, and stop talking to people about it, and then people will stop trying to tell you what to do. If they ask you if you are working out, or on a diet just say no. It really ends up being pretty simple if you don't care what people think.

    It's funny, because once people do find out that you were trying to lose weight they seem to judge everything you do. It's like if I have a large meal, people will be like is that what you are suppose to be eating (well *kitten* yeah it is, it is delicious) or if I just eat something light they will be like, oh your still on your diet (no I'm just not that f*cking hungry right now).
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    For real, can't you just ask him to google BMR and TDEE? If he doesn't want to or still denies bodies burn calories unless they are exercising, can't you just be like "Eric, I know you are trying to be helpful but telling me I need to workout or I will fail isn't helping me achieve my goals."?

    I agree if he offers up lame advice you should just stop talking about it with him, but if he's bugging you to work out and you don't find that very motivation, THAT is what you should talk to him about.
  • andit001
    andit001 Posts: 33 Member
    Not everyone can be smart enough to understand that everything needs energy. Even only talking and thinking consumes energy. All the energy we use is coming from the sun and made usable for us by the plants. That's what you learn in high school biology.

    But you surely can't force someone to understand logic.

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