My fiancé just doesn't get it :/

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  • jkowula
    jkowula Posts: 447
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    As a person with a significant other I have to tell you this:

    You won't agree on everything. You don't have to. What you do have to do is be nice to each other when you disagree. He thinks one thing, you think another. There is no need to determine who is right and who is wrong. Let it go. He only wants what is best for you.

    Wise beyond your years!!
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    I have been working out, I don't plan on only losing weight by my diet, I am just trying to get back on real with my workout. But what's frustrating me is that he is trying to tell me that I HAVE to work out or I WONT lose weight, and that's not right. I have no intentions of not working out, I know that it helps. But he just doesn't understand everything and it's frustrating. I know he's trying, but he thinks that just because he doesn't understand it that it's wrong. I'm just venting for my own sanity and looking for anyone else who is or has been going through this.
    It's not that I want two different things, I simply want one thing. I want to be able to talk to him about all of this without him telling me it's wrong just because he doesn't understand it.

    It sounds like the real issue is your communication with your fiance. It sounds like he is not being supportive but maybe you need to explain to him what YOU need to feel supported by him. If he still doesn't treat you better or understand, then he should keep his comments to himself. If he doesn't , then I would reconsider why you are in the relationship in the first place. You deserve better.

    What awful advice. You should get a sticker.
  • EvanKeel
    EvanKeel Posts: 1,904 Member
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    So you want your husband-to-be to understand things (in this case, your fitness and weight) from your perspective and just agree with you without offering his own perspective.

    You'd save yourself a lot of stress if you just asked him to smile and nod before you started in on the conversation.

    Whether or not what he's saying is accurate is only slightly relevant to what you really seem to want here.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    To everyone telling her to dump her child's father, the man she loves and her business partner:

    Would you actually break up with someone because of a musunderstanding about losing weight? Seriously???
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    To everyone telling her to dump her child's father, the man she loves and her business partner:

    Would you actually break up with someone because of a musunderstanding about losing weight? Seriously???

    Yes, yes they would. I am shocked you are even surprised by this. :laugh:
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    In the whole scheme of relationships and reasons to fight, this is very minor and silly. I would stop talking to him about it. Tell him it's silly to fight over and don't bring it up again.

    IF he has a problem with that, and can't let go of control of this small aspect of your life, I'd suggest some counseling.
  • Marcia315
    Marcia315 Posts: 460 Member
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    As a person with a significant other I have to tell you this:

    You won't agree on everything. You don't have to. What you do have to do is be nice to each other when you disagree. He thinks one thing, you think another. There is no need to determine who is right and who is wrong. Let it go. He only wants what is best for you.

    Amen.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    To everyone telling her to dump her child's father, the man she loves and her business partner:

    Would you actually break up with someone because of a musunderstanding about losing weight? Seriously???

    Yes, yes they would. I am shocked you are even surprised by this. :laugh:
    *sigh*

    I suppose there is a reason the divorce rate is so high.
  • jkowula
    jkowula Posts: 447
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    To everyone telling her to dump her child's father, the man she loves and her business partner:

    Would you actually break up with someone because of a musunderstanding about losing weight? Seriously???

    I never said that , but heck because it's Friday I will play devils advocate. Usually if you have a large blow up over a small issue, there are bigger issues at play. Need to look at the root of an argument. I really don't want to sound holier than thou.. but I have been married 12 years and my wife and I have had 1 disagreement, and I wouldn't even call it an argument. I know it's unusual, but that's why I love being married to her!
  • DamePiglet
    DamePiglet Posts: 3,730 Member
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    you can be right....or you can be happy

    and
    1. Stop talking to him about it.

    2. Get out there and make some friends. Why don't you have any friends???

    FTW,
    The rest will take care of itself.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    As a person with a significant other I have to tell you this:

    You won't agree on everything. You don't have to. What you do have to do is be nice to each other when you disagree. He thinks one thing, you think another. There is no need to determine who is right and who is wrong. Let it go. He only wants what is best for you.

    This too. My husband thinks women should do high reps, low weight, that dietary fat should be avoided at all costs and licorice is better than chocolate because it's fat free.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    To everyone telling her to dump her child's father, the man she loves and her business partner:

    Would you actually break up with someone because of a musunderstanding about losing weight? Seriously???

    I never said that , but heck because it's Friday I will play devils advocate. Usually if you have a large blow up over a small issue, there are bigger issues at play. Need to look at the root of an argument. I really don't want to sound holier than thou.. but I have been married 12 years and my wife and I have had 1 disagreement, and I wouldn't even call it an argument. I know it's unusual, but that's why I love being married to her!
    Maybe she's frustrated and he's trying to help and they are miscommunicating a little on this one issue. It happens. It is not necessarily indicitive of a larger issue in the relationship.

    And of neither you nor your wife has ever had a bad day and (even briefly) taken it out on the other person, then you are both either better than 99.999999% of human beings on the planet or your both extremely stoic people. Or maybe you just never see each other.
  • TheGirlsATimeBomb
    TheGirlsATimeBomb Posts: 434 Member
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    As a person with a significant other I have to tell you this:

    You won't agree on everything. You don't have to. What you do have to do is be nice to each other when you disagree. He thinks one thing, you think another. There is no need to determine who is right and who is wrong. Let it go. He only wants what is best for you.

    This too. My husband thinks women should do high reps, low weight, that dietary fat should be avoided at all costs and licorice is better than chocolate because it's fat free.

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • somefitsomefat
    somefitsomefat Posts: 445 Member
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    ...really dedicated to getting into shape...keeps trying to convince me that I HAVE to exercise...I'm doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred...my fiancé trying to drill it into my head that I absolutely have to work out...

    You're fighting about working out and how you don't have to work out but you're already working out?
  • lizj0nes21
    lizj0nes21 Posts: 115
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    If your goal is to get him to understand how you can lose weight without exercising, explain it simply.

    3500 calories equals 1lb of weight. Your body burns XXX amount per day (TDEE). In order for you to lose one lb per week, you have to be 3500 calories under your XXX (TDEE) for the week. Then explain how there are a variety of ways to get there. Yes, exercising would allow you to be fit and allow you more food, because you would gain calories from that, but it isn't necessary if your goal is to just drop a few lbs.

    I tried that, he doesn't believe that our bodies burn calories without doing anything (ex: exercising)
  • jkowula
    jkowula Posts: 447
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    To everyone telling her to dump her child's father, the man she loves and her business partner:

    Would you actually break up with someone because of a musunderstanding about losing weight? Seriously???

    I never said that , but heck because it's Friday I will play devils advocate. Usually if you have a large blow up over a small issue, there are bigger issues at play. Need to look at the root of an argument. I really don't want to sound holier than thou.. but I have been married 12 years and my wife and I have had 1 disagreement, and I wouldn't even call it an argument. I know it's unusual, but that's why I love being married to her!
    Maybe she's frustrated and he's trying to help and they are miscommunicating a little on this one issue. It happens. It is not necessarily indicitive of a larger issue in the relationship.

    And of neither you nor your wife has ever had a bad day and (even briefly) taken it out on the other person, then you are both either better than 99.999999% of human beings on the planet or your both extremely stoic people. Or maybe you just never see each other.

    Well stoic maybe... but I don't do much without her. We have a lot of the same interests and include each other in everything we do. Hell ya I have had a bad day, but she is the last person I would "take it out on". I guess we just are quiet when we are grumpy and we know not to push things when that is going on. I just try to make her laugh when she has had a bad day.. usually works cause I am funny looking as it is.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    I mean, if it really matters who is right, can't you use the google to prove your point?

    Also, plz make friends.
  • Sunitagt
    Sunitagt Posts: 486 Member
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    When I first started, really started as opposed to the half-hearted logging I was doing before my husband was not very supportive at all. He said he would be, but he wasn't to start. He didn't understand and would make fun of my logging everything and attempt to be really accurate with my logging. He didn't get it. I would say I'm going to do something one way (like eat dinner after I got home from work at midnight) and he would say that you won't lose weight doing that. Like I said, he didn't understand. He hadn't done all the reading and research that I had. It took a while, but over time he has gotten it. Sticking to my goals, I have lost about 50 lbs. He helps now, he'll go to the gym with me when we're on vacations (he is still deciding whether he wants to join my gym). He takes walks with me when he feels up to it, but he has stopped making fun of my efforts and instead supports them now.

    What I'm getting at is that I think it takes time for someone who doesn't get it initially to recognize that what you're doing is working for you, and change their attitude. Exercise, while not necessary for losing weight, is really good for you, so maybe its more of a misunderstanding on both of your parts that what he means to say is you need exercise to be healthy.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    If your goal is to get him to understand how you can lose weight without exercising, explain it simply.

    3500 calories equals 1lb of weight. Your body burns XXX amount per day (TDEE). In order for you to lose one lb per week, you have to be 3500 calories under your XXX (TDEE) for the week. Then explain how there are a variety of ways to get there. Yes, exercising would allow you to be fit and allow you more food, because you would gain calories from that, but it isn't necessary if your goal is to just drop a few lbs.

    I tried that, he doesn't believe that our bodies burn calories without doing anything (ex: exercising)
    I repeat: Quit talking to him about it and get out and make some friends.

    Honestly, I think THAT is a much bigger issue. You need a life outside of your child and your fiance. Living like this will make you go crazy. Women need friends. We just do.

    Men like to fix things. My fiance thinks all I have to do is situps and pushups to lose weight. I roll my eyes and do my thing and try not to bring up the subject much. It isn't worth it.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Options
    To everyone telling her to dump her child's father, the man she loves and her business partner:

    Would you actually break up with someone because of a musunderstanding about losing weight? Seriously???

    I never said that , but heck because it's Friday I will play devils advocate. Usually if you have a large blow up over a small issue, there are bigger issues at play. Need to look at the root of an argument. I really don't want to sound holier than thou.. but I have been married 12 years and my wife and I have had 1 disagreement, and I wouldn't even call it an argument. I know it's unusual, but that's why I love being married to her!
    Maybe she's frustrated and he's trying to help and they are miscommunicating a little on this one issue. It happens. It is not necessarily indicitive of a larger issue in the relationship.

    And of neither you nor your wife has ever had a bad day and (even briefly) taken it out on the other person, then you are both either better than 99.999999% of human beings on the planet or your both extremely stoic people. Or maybe you just never see each other.

    Well stoic maybe... but I don't do much without her. We have a lot of the same interests and include each other in everything we do. Hell ya I have had a bad day, but she is the last person I would "take it out on". I guess we just are quiet when we are grumpy and we know not to push things when that is going on. I just try to make her laugh when she has had a bad day.. usually works cause I am funny looking as it is.
    That's wonderful. But most people have a bad moment every once in a while and that doesn't mean there's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship.

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