My fiancé just doesn't get it :/
Replies
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If your goal is to get him to understand how you can lose weight without exercising, explain it simply.
3500 calories equals 1lb of weight. Your body burns XXX amount per day (TDEE). In order for you to lose one lb per week, you have to be 3500 calories under your XXX (TDEE) for the week. Then explain how there are a variety of ways to get there. Yes, exercising would allow you to be fit and allow you more food, because you would gain calories from that, but it isn't necessary if your goal is to just drop a few lbs.
I tried that, he doesn't believe that our bodies burn calories without doing anything (ex: exercising)
If that is the only thing holding him back from believing you, a quick search on google for him should change that. If he doesn't believe it then because he has to always be right, I am not sure what to tell you.0 -
Even if you were not having this particular issue, you absolutely need more than one source of social support. Why don't you have any friends? Which steps are you taking to make some? This is very important. Even if he were the most wonderful and caring person in the world, which it does not sound like he is, it's not healthy to get all of your emotional support from just one person. It means that your entire world is going to fall apart if this relationship ends. Don't put yourself in that position.0
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Even if you were not having this particular issue, you absolutely need more than one source of social support. Why don't you have any friends? Which steps are you taking to make some? This is very important. Even if he were the most wonderful and caring person in the world, which it does not sound like he is, it's not healthy to get all of your emotional support from just one person. It means that your entire world is going to fall apart if this relationship ends. Don't put yourself in that position.
yeah, sure, rather plan for the end of the relationship already! Never heard any better reasoning/argumentation.0 -
TL Break Up
balls, you beat me0 -
Even if you were not having this particular issue, you absolutely need more than one source of social support. Why don't you have any friends? Which steps are you taking to make some? This is very important. Even if he were the most wonderful and caring person in the world, which it does not sound like he is, it's not healthy to get all of your emotional support from just one person. It means that your entire world is going to fall apart if this relationship ends. Don't put yourself in that position.
yeah, sure, rather plan for the end of the relationship already! Never heard any better reasoning/argumentation.
Do you disagree with me that it's important to have more than one source of social support, or was that just a general insult?
Also, how many people do you suppose get married at 21 *to someone they already dislike so much that they post online rants about their frequent arguments* and then end up staying together for life? That doesn't sound the least bit realistic.0 -
It's not that I want two different things, I simply want one thing. I want to be able to talk to him about all of this without him telling me it's wrong just because he doesn't understand it.
Just have him join MFP and post in the forums. Then everyone else here will do the work for you. Yayyy!
I like it.0 -
You have to remember that men and women also think differently too. Alot of men on here are aware of things that I think most guys are not. He probably thinks you want him to solve your "problem" with weight....Alot of guys are problem solvers when women just really want to be listened to and supported. You're not going to change him. I would just agree to disagree and get your support from this site. He's trying to help you but he's not. I would just try to not take it too personally. You're doing it on your own and this is your journey, not his (although he might be part of it). It definitely helps to have support from your partner, but in life, you don't always have that so just gotta accept it and be happy anyway.0
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Even if you were not having this particular issue, you absolutely need more than one source of social support. Why don't you have any friends? Which steps are you taking to make some? This is very important. Even if he were the most wonderful and caring person in the world, which it does not sound like he is, it's not healthy to get all of your emotional support from just one person. It means that your entire world is going to fall apart if this relationship ends. Don't put yourself in that position.
yeah, sure, rather plan for the end of the relationship already! Never heard any better reasoning/argumentation.
Do you disagree with me that it's important to have more than one source of social support, or was that just a general insult?
Also, how many people do you suppose get married at 21 *to someone they already dislike so much that they post online rants about their frequent arguments* and then end up staying together for life? That doesn't sound the least bit realistic.
It doesn't matter how realistic it may sound to you or not. It's still cruel to just plan for the end of the relationship - especially when being married. There are many other reasons why it's good to have some people around. To have friends because you could loose your relationship is just a dumb thing to do.
I may be dumb, too. Because I still recommend people to fight for their relationships instead of giving up.0 -
Even if you were not having this particular issue, you absolutely need more than one source of social support. Why don't you have any friends? Which steps are you taking to make some? This is very important. Even if he were the most wonderful and caring person in the world, which it does not sound like he is, it's not healthy to get all of your emotional support from just one person. It means that your entire world is going to fall apart if this relationship ends. Don't put yourself in that position.
yeah, sure, rather plan for the end of the relationship already! Never heard any better reasoning/argumentation.
Do you disagree with me that it's important to have more than one source of social support, or was that just a general insult?
Also, how many people do you suppose get married at 21 *to someone they already dislike so much that they post online rants about their frequent arguments* and then end up staying together for life? That doesn't sound the least bit realistic.
It doesn't matter how realistic it may sound to you or not. It's still cruel to just plan for the end of the relationship - especially when being married. There are many other reasons why it's good to have some people around. To have friends because you could loose your relationship is just a dumb thing to do.
I may be dumb, too. Because I still recommend people to fight for their relationships instead of giving up.
I'm not sure she was saying what you think she was saying OR I am getting something different. All she is saying in my opinion is that you can't count on others for happiness. That comes from yourself. If one person makes or breaks your happiness, and you can't be happy without them, then that one person can destroy your happiness as well. That is no way to live.0 -
It's too off-topic already anway.
Hope they can solve that problem somehow. And OP stays motivated.
God bless.0 -
This is a boundary problem. You are allowing him tor, for lack of a better word, moderate your weight loss activities. He can have his opinion about weight loss, but he has no right telling you that you're not complying with his standards regarding weight loss. I'd tell him to knock it off and mind his own business.I have been working out, I don't plan on only losing weight by my diet, I am just trying to get back on real with my workout. But what's frustrating me is that he is trying to tell me that I HAVE to work out or I WONT lose weight, and that's not right. I have no intentions of not working out, I know that it helps. But he just doesn't understand everythinug and it's frustrating. I know he's trying, but he thinks that just because he doesn't understand it that it's wrong. I'm just venting for my own sanity and looking for anyone else who is or has been going through this.
It's not that I want two different things, I simply want one thing. I want to be able to talk to him about all of this without him telling me it's wrong just because he doesn't understand it.
so you are exercising and losing weight, and he is telling you that you must exercise to lose weight?
Whats the problem then? Just say, i know, i am and its working
I had started out exercising but since my birthday (this past Tuesday) I fell off the exercise wagon and I'm really tryin to get back on. But his problem is that I haven't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm screwing everything up and giving up on getting into shape even though I'm still stayig within my calories and eating better. I plan on getting back into exercising because I don't want to be flabby in my stomach when I lose the weight. But the argument was over the fact that I hadn't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm ruining all of my progress and that I'm giving up, which I'm not by any means.0 -
I can definately see your point, I have lost weight and not exercised at all before - yes it can be done. It also seems like you do understand that in order to be toned and look great you need to work out, but that isn't the issue.
It does seem like you are having some issues with your relationship. I have only been married for 3 years, but you do need to choose your battles. It is not worth arguing over how YOU lose weight. It also sounds like he will be unconvinced of your side of the argument - and it will ALWAYS be like that. If he is that determined, he will NEVER give up his side of the argument. Hence why you should stop talking to him about that particular subject.
Take my husband for example. He thinks that our dog digs more holes in the backyard when it's cloudy out than when it's sunny. WTF? Doesn't make a damn bit of sense, but I've let it go. If that's what he wants to think, then that's his issue.0 -
yes. i learned to stop telling people what you are doing, so they cant judge you...especially if they arnt on teh same journey as you! Tahts why there is MFP!!!0
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I can definately see your point, I have lost weight and not exercised at all before - yes it can be done. It also seems like you do understand that in order to be toned and look great you need to work out, but that isn't the issue.
It does seem like you are having some issues with your relationship. I have only been married for 3 years, but you do need to choose your battles. It is not worth arguing over how YOU lose weight. It also sounds like he will be unconvinced of your side of the argument - and it will ALWAYS be like that. If he is that determined, he will NEVER give up his side of the argument. Hence why you should stop talking to him about that particular subject.
Take my husband for example. He thinks that our dog digs more holes in the backyard when it's cloudy out than when it's sunny. WTF? Doesn't make a damn bit of sense, but I've let it go. If that's what he wants to think, then that's his issue.
LOL omg that was so funny!! But so so true! You have to choose your battles, might be annoying, but let it go. relathionship 101!!0 -
Take my husband for example. He thinks that our dog digs more holes in the backyard when it's cloudy out than when it's sunny. WTF? Doesn't make a damn bit of sense, but I've let it go. If that's what he wants to think, then that's his issue.
Well. Does the dog dig more holes when it's cloudy? It seems like that's fairly easy back up or dismiss with empirical evidence. Now if the dog does dig more holes and you want to know why, good luck with that. I'd go with changes in atmospheric pressure causing mild anxiety in the animal.0 -
...why don't you just show him your weight loss with minimal exercise in a few weeks?0
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...why don't you just show him your weight loss with minimal exercise in a few weeks?
Because I still want the best results for myself and I know that includes exercising, even though I know I can lose weight without exercise, I don't want to risk having my body in inadequate shape(with being right and toned).0 -
Other people have already posted that cutting calories alone will not get you long term results. I'd suggest you find something less time demanding than someone's videos, something you will do regularly until it's a habit. The best exercise is the exercise you do. Walking for 20 minutes a day, stationary bike, something simple that won't itself become an obstacle. You have long, busy days, so find something that you WILL do. BTW, calorie counting alone will become a problem sooner rather than later, because your body will begin to adjust to the lower caloric intake, and store some of the fat you want to get rid of. That's where exercise can get you over the plateaus.0
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I want to know why the OP doesn't have any friends.
If I literally had no one else to talk to about anything other than my husband, we'd have some major marriage issues. It would probably devolve to homicide issues.0 -
Just throwing it out there, but OP, you can call me if you need someone to talk too...just sayin'
LOL - all in fun0 -
Take my husband for example. He thinks that our dog digs more holes in the backyard when it's cloudy out than when it's sunny. WTF? Doesn't make a damn bit of sense, but I've let it go. If that's what he wants to think, then that's his issue.
Well. Does the dog dig more holes when it's cloudy? It seems like that's fairly easy back up or dismiss with empirical evidence. Now if the dog does dig more holes and you want to know why, good luck with that. I'd go with changes in atmospheric pressure causing mild anxiety in the animal.
Which part doesn't make a bit of sense.... that your husband THINKS that the dog digs more when it's cloudy.... or that the dog DOES dig more when it's cloudy. Our dog is a psychopath. Nothing she does makes ANY sense to us. Have you watched the dog on various days to determine if he / she does dig more when it's cloudy?0 -
Also, why does it really matter? Let your fiancé think what he wants. It is really not worth fighting over. Losing weight and getting healthy is for your health. It doesn't really matter what he thinks.
This. Agree with him and tell him that you are concentrating on watching the calories that you are consuming to make sure they don't get out of hand (NOT to lose weight…) and whatever happens, happens! Just make sure not to say, "I told you so" when you do lose a couple of pounds
Good luck! 0 -
But the argument was over the fact that I hadn't worked out in 3 days so he thinks I'm ruining all of my progress and that I'm giving up, which I'm not by any means.
There is one thing in this reply that I think is concerning. The whole, you're going to "ruin all your progress" thing. If your fiance is trying to manage your daily routine or basically discouraging you by using language like "ruin", then you might have an issue you need to work through. Especially if your relationship consists of him pointing out things you are screwing up all the time. Three days without exercise doesn't ruin all your progress if your diet is good. Depending on where you are in your workouts, it might be a nice recovery period. If you're concerned because of this, you have a point. Double the concern if you're primarily doing this for him and not you.
This may not be an issue at all. Otherwise, you guys agree on the main principle that exercise is important. Learn to not argue about things you agree on. I end up doing this with my wife. It always looks silly when you step back and look at it after the argument. You're just having a minor disagreement on the value of diet without exercise, which is totally not relevant since you are exercising. In theory, you're right that you can lose weight without exercise. In practice, he's right in that you don't seem to need to lose a lot of weight and really the goal is to change body composition. That's damn hard to do when you're close to a healthy weight without exercise. Neither of you will ever win the argument because you're both kind of right and kind of wrong.
Figure out what the argument really is. Is it him being down on you for screwing something up or is it him trying to help you positively. If he's trying to help, set aside the minor part of the disagreement and take the encouragement to work out...which you intend to do anyway. Use this as an opportunity to tune some boundaries and work on the language you use to communicate.0 -
Wait until you've been married 20 years or so. Then, he just won't give a crap what you do.
Bahahahaha! So true.
And learn to say "yes dear" while doing what you want 0 -
No sex until he gets it.0
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Okay I can kind of sympathize with you...my husband sounds a lot like your fiance about things.
For example I lift weights and have learned a lot from people on this site and through reading and watching videos and programs.
I try to explain to my husband why he an arch in his back while he is benching is a good idea...he doesn't agree.....
or he thinks 5x5 isn't enough I should be doing 8 reps he thinks....
he also thinks that if the last rep was "hard" but I got it stay at that weight until it is easy...
Now we have only been married 5 years...so it's not like we are an "old" couple who have worked this crap out totally...but this is going to be my one piece of advice for you esp since the fight seems to have derailed you a bit.....
Now pay attention here...this is ground breaking...
you can be right....or you can be happy
YUP! to that last part! I have also been married for 5 years, and I think that this is something that you should let go. You might explain to him how tired you have been lately and maybe suggest a workout together. (let him show you things, even if he knows nothing!) IMO a lot of men have a working out is something that they are more knowledgeable about, letting him lead you in exercise can be fun, and lead to a more exciting a nite cap
Side note I agree with some of the other posters that at your weight and height you probably want to loose fat and preserve muscle being your primary goal. Not a number on a scale, because we loose/gain water weight etc, but it is how you feel and body looks that matters. I would look into some strength training, and bring the hubs along.
bottom line
-love him for caring at all
-let him lead
-lift weights together its sexy and will take you to your goal0 -
...really dedicated to getting into shape...keeps trying to convince me that I HAVE to exercise...I'm doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred...my fiancé trying to drill it into my head that I absolutely have to work out...
You're fighting about working out and how you don't have to work out but you're already working out?
:bigsmile: HAHAHA!
*wipes water off keyboard*0
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