I don't want to be attractive.

98777

I am finding it easier to be overweight.... easier when I was 30 lb heavier.

The more weight I lose, as I become closer to the top range of healthy, I am getting more and more uncomfortable. Part of me wants to be thin and nice looking, but part of me is embarrassed. I have a very curvy shape that is getting revealed and I don't like that for some reason. (I am always attracting attention that I don't want, for one.) It's making my social anxiety worse and making me feel ashamed, even though I know that is irrational. This makes no sense.

I didn't want to have to confront this, but it is seriously bothering me. I think this was subconsciously why I did not want to lose weight at the start of this.

These thoughts I usually do not tell anyone. What's wrong with me? How do I stop this?

Francl27

I think you should see a therapist, there's more than just weight issues there.

emtbythesea

I was intrigued by the title of this post. Do you feel like you don't deserve to be attractive? Deserve the new attention? Deserve the health and fitness advantages? Those things are for other people? Not you. I ask because I think people struggle with that mind-set but don't even realize they are doing that. I think what you are going through can be normal. At the end of the day though, it's just an excuse we make to ourselves to get out of the situation. You can do better for yourself and you deserve...no, OWE it to yourself. Now go to the gym!

JesterMFP

I think this is actually very common, but I'd agree that seeing a therapist may be very beneficial. Also though, just take it slow. Maintain for a while at the weight you're at, if that helps. You don't have to lose it all at once. It can be a weird process even if you don't have that particular issue. I didn't/don't feel exactly like you do, but I have always struggled with self confidence and self esteem, and they are not issues that are suddenly fixed when you reach your goal weight. The mental stuff definitely needs to be worked on at the same time as the actual weight loss.

freddi11e

I know a few females that gained a lot of weight after getting sexually abused... it was a way to "make sure that never happened again" i guess.... you're not the only one... just try and figure out what your reasons are beneath it, and work on that instead. don't stop working at becoming your best because of a psychological thing, ya know? you deserve it girlie

DeliriumCanBeFun

I don't think anything is wrong with you. When you have social anxiety and a hard time dealing with attention (something a lot of people wouldn't understand), it is much easier to avoid it. Anything that is much different than what you have always been used to can be overwhelming. Give yourself some time, to get used to the new you. I hate to shop or go out of my comfort zone with new clothes, but some time and a little money spent on figuring out how you could make some wardrobe adjustmentst that you will look nice in and most importantly be comfortable in could do a great deal for you. I hope your struggle eases up

eml298

First, I think it's admirable that you are analyzing and attempting to address your feelings and fears. Since many of us put on/maintain weight for emotionally based reasons, this is a key component to successful lifestyle change. Second, as someone said upthread, it is not uncommon for women who have been sexually assaulted (either physically or emotionally - or both) to use weight as either a conscious or a subconscious "shield." Further, adding social anxiety to a naturally curvy figure might understandably lead to sensitivity. Are your friends/family members less naturally curvy than you? Food for thought...all of this. Therapy could prove beneficial. Good luck in figuring yourself out!

wendybird5

I am finding it easier to be overweight.... easier when I was 30 lb heavier.

The more weight I lose, as I become closer to the top range of healthy, I am getting more and more uncomfortable. Part of me wants to be thin and nice looking, but part of me is embarrassed. I have a very curvy shape that is getting revealed and I don't like that for some reason. (I am always attracting attention that I don't want, for one.) It's making my social anxiety worse and making me feel ashamed, even though I know that is irrational. This makes no sense.

I didn't want to have to confront this, but it is seriously bothering me. I think this was subconsciously why I did not want to lose weight at the start of this.

These thoughts I usually do not tell anyone. What's wrong with me? How do I stop this?

I know exactly how you feel. Those feelings were part of why I gained so much weight in the first place. For a long time I felt safe with all that extra weight like it was a shield that kept me from harm. Then someone hurt me badly and I got really depressed. Medication only made it worse. And then I discovered that exercising made me feel so much better. So when I really started to work on getting healthy, it was because I loved those good feelings I got from exercise and not about how I looked at all.

I think the first thing is definitely find someone to talk with who can help you work on your emotional issues and really help you discover where your fears are coming from and develop your self-confidence so that you can find ways to deal with any unwanted attention.

Good luck!

98777

Thank you guys so much. You're all very insightful.

I've got a lot of thinking to do, but this is a great start.

MercenaryNoetic26

I agree with the "See a therapist" advice. :drinker:

Snow3y

Psychiatrist may be able to help you..

kristarablue2

I am very interested in your post, one responder said you may need to see a therapist and I agree, not only to help you feel comfortable in your own skin, but to help with your social anxiety which can be debilitating. I have talked to some people that have lost weight and ended up gaining weight because it was a way to hide. They had been raped when they were thinner and connected them being more attractive with their rapes. There could be a hundred reasons in which you feel this way, but I think introspection and therapy would help. Good luck darlin, I hope the best for you and hope you find your peace with your weight, that is a hard thing to do for all of us.

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MinMin97

What makes you feel so vulnerable? Can you be more specific?
I tell my girls that they don't have to be social at times/with people where they don't feel comfortable. And certainly when it comes to their own bodies/sexuality that is just NOBODY'S business. They don't have to express that toward anyone, nor be harassed/unwanted attentions from anyone.

ReadyToBeMeAt160

Yeah I'd definitely say that there are underlying things you need to crack into or you won't ever move forward. Either an individual therapist or some sort of women's group - therapists can usually recommend those. There's lots of us out there with issues like that holding us back - its a huge step that you're even consciously seeing that so while I know its frustrating, you're moving in the right direction.

No shame in asking for help - this is all about getting it done for you, for your health, for Your life. Don't let anything stand in the way!

Metallux

I also get somewhat tired of the male attention. SometimesI just want to grocery shop, walk the dog, or have a drink with friends without being ogled or approached.

I think your thoughts are normal and healthy.

I absolutely agree with this. Going out in public isn't an invitation for boys (or anyone) to stare, ogle, hoot, comment, or approach. sometimes women can stare in really uncomfortable ways too. You don't have to be raped or sexually abused to simply feel like your body is up for uncomfortable scrutiny- of any sort. Enough to make you want to protect yourself with extra weight. Keep up your healthy weight loss, maybe see a therapist. Its ok to realize that there is something wrong with getting attention that feels bad. you are being honest. Im right there with you

98777

Thanks again, everyone.

twixlepennie

I think you should see a therapist, there's more than just weight issues there.

This.

nikibean123

Remember, a lot of it is about clothes as well - just because you lose weight, you don't have to wear tight clothes and you can hide anything you don't want people to see in the meantime until you get this worked out.

I think you would benefit from speaking to a therapist to work out why you feel this way but remember - it's not just your weight, it's your HEALTH you're taking care of. x

DeltaZero

How are you going about your weight loss? Through diet alone?

If you are doing something like weight lifting, running, biking, etc. The longer you do those activities they will help you also gain self confidence. Which is key in the process to losing weight and seeing yourself differently.

Weight loss is the easy part, mental changes are the difficult things that everyone ends up having to deal with.

SamanthaD1218

Why don't you just dress conservatively? You don't have to show off your body if you don't want to. Remember, this is about being healthy, not just attractive. If it still bothers you, I agree that you should talk to someone about it.

thickerella

As a survivor of sexual abuse, I understand completely and share your concerns. I get VERY uncomfortable with overt sexual attention unless it is from an approved party (see my intentionally unflattering profile pic?) and I don't like being touched.

I agree that therapy may be a good place to start.

In the mean time, wear your hair back, put a hat on, and stick to clothes that aren't very form fitting or revealing.

spoiledpuppies

I agree with the advice to talk to a therapist. I also think this could get easier with time. A part of me also doesn't like the attention/spotlight I get when I see people I haven't seen in awhile and they gush about my appearance. (Of course, in my case, a part of me loves that too!) But someone already told me that she can't remember what I used to look like. People you know will get used to your appearance and stop giving it any attention. If the unwanted attention is coming from strangers, that may not change and hopefully a therapist can help you navigate that.

silvergurl518

I think you should see a therapist, there's more than just weight issues there.

^agreed. i don't think anything is wrong with you. but i think you should take advantage of a school counselor (are you in college?) and talk about these issues. i'm sure you are very beautiful on the inside and out....and you need to be able to feel comfortable in your own skin. xo.

tomomatic

This whole fitness thing, you're doing it for yourself (not them).
You don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks.

Best of luck.

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ItsCasey

I can't speak about the social anxiety disorder part, but I had a lot of the same feelings when I lost weight. When I was fat, it was easy to be invisible. After losing the weight, I went through a period of several months during which I was hyper aware of people looking at me when I was out in public. I was paranoid and very uneasy about it. I compare it to going through puberty and experiencing somewhat rapid changes in your body and knowing that everyone can see it. You think everyone is looking at you and judging you, and it's all exaggerated in your mind. I got used to it after a while, and now I realize that a lot of it was a figment of my imagination.

morethanthis0

I think you should see a therapist, there's more than just weight issues there.

I agree with this, you should talk with a professional.

dbmata

These thoughts I usually do not tell anyone. What's wrong with me? How do I stop this?

I understand your pain. I too bear the burden of being too attractive and charismatic. I don't think people understand how hard it is, the constant stares, the societal expectations that you're always "on." It's like people look at us, and expect us to be some dancing monkey there for their pleasure.

Stay strong, just remember... being beautiful is better than not being beautiful.

cebreisch

I think actually that there are many people who feel the same way you do - gained wait to not get the attention you didn't want.

Definitely see a therapist. I've been seeing a therapist since I started on this journey almost 3 years ago. The last thing I would have expected would that it would help, but it has immensely. My entire family has noticed a change, and when my mother starts on a tangent, I have the courage to address her with confidence and tell her to knock it off.

msf74

You reality has changed and you are fearful of that change.

That is perfectly understandable. Most people treat you differently when you are slim / attractive and you don't yet have the coping strategies to deal with it. You will learn though. I don't think you necessarily need a therapist at this stage rather than just time to adjust.