"you are taking this too seriously"
mndavid
Posts: 20
Anyone have to deal with this from an SO? Mine just doesn't get it. She is right, I look better before I started than a lot of other 40 year old guys, but that isn't saying much. I am doing this for me, and I am not looking it as a temporary thing. She is very typical and will text with how healthy she just ate, because it was a salad. Then she takes it personally when I try to give a suggestion. Her salad at the restaurant was more calories than I ate that day and I said "that's great, but it would be even better if we find a healthy recipe for that and still get the taste". She hates that when I cook, it's not slathered in extra crap that isn't needed, and doesn't like even discussing food anymore. Eye rolls, negative comments. Ugh. I haven't given up on eating, and I am doing this in a way I can sustain without feeling deprived for the most part. Five or six cheat days a week is not what I could call eating healthy.
This is all jumbled, sorry. Just a vent, move on if you'd like. Post your comments if you'd like.
This is all jumbled, sorry. Just a vent, move on if you'd like. Post your comments if you'd like.
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Replies
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Yes my boyfriend is the same exact way! The other day he cut up some cheese and sausage with crackers and got mad when I didn't want to eat any of it. He thinks Arby's is healthy. I don't suggest that he try to eat healthier but I wish he'd leave me alone about what I'm eating and stop laughing when I weigh all my food. He always has to compare me to other women, "you're not nearly as big as ____". And I say that it's not a contest, I don't care about what other people are doing or not doing, because I'm trying to be healthier for me. Hang in there. Feel free to add me if you'd like!0
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Is your SO overweight? If not, perhaps you could cook your healthy meals and let her add whatever she wants to her portions. If she is overweight, SHE is the only one who can make the decision to eat healthy. My DH has gained a lot of weight since he quit smoking last spring (after a heart attack) and is just now realizing he needs to attend to this. At first I was nagging him about it, but I have finally realized he has to do this for himself and not for me.0
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I had the same problem at first with my SO. He was very skeptical and just did the "nod and smile" thing when I talked about my choices and exercise program. I refused to let it deter me, though, and just kept doing my thing. Then, as the weight started disappearing, he was more interested and supportive. Even his view on women getting "bulky" from lifting is slowly changing to offering to spot me when I start lifting.
Just remember, this is for you and nobody else. She'll come around when she sees your confidence and how much better you feel. She is probably not ready for suggestions quite yet and maybe nodding and smiling at her food choices is the way to go for now, too. When she's ready for more ideas and information, she'll ask.
Hang in there and keep on keepin' on!0 -
I am so sorry david! That's horrible. UNFORTUNATELY, I've heard this all before from people who were attempting to lose weight. They normally didn't last together. What it sounds like is the you are ready for a change where she is comfortable in the same spot. How that works out between you two is up to you all. But, one of you will eventually become tired of the other. You, because of the lack of support that a significant other should be giving in such a trying time, and her because of all the changes she will have to adjust to within her own lifestyle that she clearly isn't ready for.
Suggestion: cook for yourself. Let her cook her own meal. Simple solution to a simple problem.
Suggestion 2: shut up. When a woman doesn't want to hear it you know. So let her eat all the fatty foods she wants. Do your own thing and stop being her help guide. She's a person that needs to figure it out herself.0 -
My hubby was never terribly supportive but didn't put down my efforts. He would bring me my favorite chocolate croissants or peanut butter cookies. I would say thank you for being thoughtful, I just ate will have it later, and just not eat it. He is the fast food king and sometimes it's hard not to jump on that train with him but that's my own issue. I can make healthy choices even at fast food joints. When I cook I ask him to try it, don't mention or make a big deal about the heathyness of it. Basically I try to make my weightloss my responsibility and not an issue between us.0
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Do whatever you need to do to make it work bud. You will know if you are overdoing it. Just make sure that you are doing it for yourself and your own personal goals, try not to let others' opinions affect your methods, regardless of who that person may be. Significant other, family, friends, MFP people haha... I currently live with my two brothers and they were laughing at me for weighing my food, counting calories, eating 6-7 times a day, etc, etc... even laughed at my workouts for awhile. Now they want to hit the gym and figure out how to eat better. Some just find it difficult to sympathize/empathize/rationalize exactly what and why it is you are doing what you are. Hope that makes sense...
Good luck!0 -
I have had the same thing in the past. Once my wife realized that I was doing it because I wanted to, rather than because I felt I needed to, or because of something I thought she wanted, she basically backed off. She's not exactly encouraging about it, but she at least isn't discouraging.0
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Is your SO overweight? If not, perhaps you could cook your healthy meals and let her add whatever she wants to her portions. If she is overweight, SHE is the only one who can make the decision to eat healthy. My DH has gained a lot of weight since he quit smoking last spring (after a heart attack) and is just now realizing he needs to attend to this. At first I was nagging him about it, but I have finally realized he has to do this for himself and not for me.
The ONLY reason I will answer this...she will never see it! I am far too smart to actually say this, but she could lose some weight. Technically, more than I should lose, and she is a foot shorter. In fact, she talks about it constantly. She talks about eating healthy and working out, but does neither. I say nothing. She has to find the same reason I did, for her.0 -
My hubby is one of those naturally skinny guys. He can eat whatever he wants, drinks Amp and soda all day and still weighs the same as he did in high school. Of course this is still not healthy, but I guess if the scale doesn't reflect it he doesn't care. I just started back on my diet three days ago and last night he comes to bed at ten with a plate of sloppyjoes!! Soooo frustrating, but what are you going to do. I have decided to just worry about me and leave him to his late night binges...its bound to catch up to him eventually:)0
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Hi Dave,
I think sometimes our SO's feel threatened when we start to improve ourselves, I know it was that way with my ex. He had me, didn't want anyone else to look at me, so it was better to keep me heavy. I think we just have to stand up for ourselves and say, hey, this is my health and I'm doing it for me. They either accept it and love you anyways, or perhaps they're not the right ones we need in our lives.
Just keep doing what you're doing, stay positive and get yourself healthy.
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Seems I am far from alone here! Thank you all.
I'm planning to keep doing my thing. My way. For me. I don't even have that much to lose, but I want to be far more fit than I am.
As mentioned, yes...this could be a problem between us. That's not a new thing, so I am going to proceed. I love that the MFP app scans my food, and I will do it, eye rolls and comments or not. What I am doing it training myself. Someday I may not count calories, after my habits are ingrained in my daily life without thinking.0 -
Don't try and push your diet onto her. If she wants to lose weight, she will come to that decision and do it on her own. No wonder she gets cranky!0
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My hubby is one of those naturally skinny guys. He can eat whatever he wants, drinks Amp and soda all day and still weighs the same as he did in high school. Of course this is still not healthy, but I guess if the scale doesn't reflect it he doesn't care. I just started back on my diet three days ago and last night he comes to bed at ten with a plate of sloppyjoes!! Soooo frustrating, but what are you going to do. I have decided to just worry about me and leave him to his late night binges...its bound to catch up to him eventually:)
It will likely catch him! In my teens and 20s I had to eat three large meals a day to maintain weight. LARGE meals, and I was pretty thin.0 -
Anyone have to deal with this from an SO? Mine just doesn't get it. She is right, I look better before I started than a lot of other 40 year old guys, but that isn't saying much. I am doing this for me, and I am not looking it as a temporary thing. She is very typical and will text with how healthy she just ate, because it was a salad. Then she takes it personally when I try to give a suggestion. Her salad at the restaurant was more calories than I ate that day and I said "that's great, but it would be even better if we find a healthy recipe for that and still get the taste". She hates that when I cook, it's not slathered in extra crap that isn't needed, and doesn't like even discussing food anymore. Eye rolls, negative comments. Ugh. I haven't given up on eating, and I am doing this in a way I can sustain without feeling deprived for the most part. Five or six cheat days a week is not what I could call eating healthy.
This is all jumbled, sorry. Just a vent, move on if you'd like. Post your comments if you'd like.
When she texts that she ate a salad, did she ASK for a critique of her meal? I bet she did not. Unsolicited advice is rarely taken well and usually makes the person on the receiving end feel like you're criticizing them and talking down to them.
No one starts out in the middle of their journey. You should know this. Your wife is not in her journey where you are in yours. Maybe she will come around and change, maybe she won't.
In discussing food, and in how you cook with limited ingredients, instead of calling stuff "extra crap that isn't needed", try explaining WHY that stuff is bad, or "isn't needed". If she understands the calorie goal, and how that 100 calories of butter for your eggs now could be 4 Hershey's kisses later, or a big cup of greek yogurt later (or whatever), she might 'get it' better.
A LOT of problems like yours are all about the presentation of the material, and not the material itself.0 -
Anyone have to deal with this from an SO? Mine just doesn't get it. She is right, I look better before I started than a lot of other 40 year old guys, but that isn't saying much. I am doing this for me, and I am not looking it as a temporary thing. She is very typical and will text with how healthy she just ate, because it was a salad. Then she takes it personally when I try to give a suggestion. Her salad at the restaurant was more calories than I ate that day and I said "that's great, but it would be even better if we find a healthy recipe for that and still get the taste". She hates that when I cook, it's not slathered in extra crap that isn't needed, and doesn't like even discussing food anymore. Eye rolls, negative comments. Ugh. I haven't given up on eating, and I am doing this in a way I can sustain without feeling deprived for the most part. Five or six cheat days a week is not what I could call eating healthy.
This is all jumbled, sorry. Just a vent, move on if you'd like. Post your comments if you'd like.
There is no other way to take this except seriously. If you want to achieve your goals, make changes in your health, learn eating habits that make you more efficient, then you can't be half-assed about it.
You can still have a lot of fun though.
Sounds like your significant other is projecting onto you and trying to bring you down to her level of comfort so she can be okay with herself. It's your food, you get to control it.
Maybe she just needs to be reassured that your love for her hasn't changed just what you eat has. Could be her fear talking. Any change, even positive ones, in a relationship can be perceived a threatening to the other half.0 -
When she texts that she ate a salad, did she ASK for a critique of her meal? I bet she did not. Unsolicited advice is rarely taken well and usually makes the person on the receiving end feel like you're criticizing them and talking down to them.
No one starts out in the middle of their journey. You should know this. Your wife is not in her journey where you are in yours. Maybe she will come around and change, maybe she won't.
In discussing food, and in how you cook with limited ingredients, instead of calling stuff "extra crap that isn't needed", try explaining WHY that stuff is bad, or "isn't needed". If she understands the calorie goal, and how that 100 calories of butter for your eggs now could be 4 Hershey's kisses later, or a big cup of greek yogurt later (or whatever), she might 'get it' better.
A LOT of problems like yours are all about the presentation of the material, and not the material itself.
I don't call it "extra crap that isn't needed" in person, lol. But, I get the salad text thing. A couple posts in here make me realize I should shut my mouth even more.0 -
I will say from experience, and not to criticize you, that almost NO ONE takes unsolicited feedback very well. When she chose her salad and decided to make comments about how healthy it was she wanted to feel good and your comment probably made her feel quite the opposite, as though you weren't supporting her EFFORT to eat healthy. People take comments like that personally as if it's an "I'm better than you and therefore have advice to give" sort of thing instead of a true effort to help. I would avoid commenting on her food unless she asks you a question. Next time she brings up her weight guide her to the Lose It or MFP app so she can start tracking what she eats...that will do loads more for her if she's resistant to incorporate advice from someone so close to her.0
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My husband is very supportive of my exercise & dieting. Just had our daughter just over 3 months ago and have lost almost 40 lbs. Still have a little way to go. So HE is not the issue... but I have dealt with criticism from others that I did not understand... such as, "being so concerned about your weight is so vain..." UHM I want to be able to run around with my daughter when she's a toddler and have as much energy as she does! We just moved into a new house and we have a pool, I want to be able to get in there and teach her to swim! There is a lot of area in our neighborhood perfect for taking a jogging stroller out and going for a run on nice days - I want her to experience nature and sunshine and the breeze in her face! Sometimes I guess people just don't understand why we are intent on improving ourselves.0
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Anyone have to deal with this from an SO? Mine just doesn't get it. She is right, I look better before I started than a lot of other 40 year old guys, but that isn't saying much. I am doing this for me, and I am not looking it as a temporary thing. She is very typical and will text with how healthy she just ate, because it was a salad. Then she takes it personally when I try to give a suggestion. Her salad at the restaurant was more calories than I ate that day and I said "that's great, but it would be even better if we find a healthy recipe for that and still get the taste". She hates that when I cook, it's not slathered in extra crap that isn't needed, and doesn't like even discussing food anymore. Eye rolls, negative comments. Ugh. I haven't given up on eating, and I am doing this in a way I can sustain without feeling deprived for the most part. Five or six cheat days a week is not what I could call eating healthy.
This is all jumbled, sorry. Just a vent, move on if you'd like. Post your comments if you'd like.
There is no other way to take this except seriously. If you want to achieve your goals, make changes in your health, learn eating habits that make you more efficient, then you can't be half-assed about it.
You can still have a lot of fun though.
Sounds like your significant other is projecting onto you and trying to bring you down to her level of comfort so she can be okay with herself. It's your food, you get to control it.
Maybe she just needs to be reassured that your love for her hasn't changed just what you eat has. Could be her fear talking. Any change, even positive ones, in a relationship can be perceived a threatening to the other half.
I definitely agree with this. But OP, I also think you need to look at what you may be doing to bring some of this on. I wouldn't like someone critiquing my choices at a restaurant, especially if I didn't ask for an opinion. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we are doing that we inadvertently try to change those around us and make them see the light. But it doesn't work that way. I'm not saying she doesn't have her own issues, and she more than likely does feel threatened. But I think you have a role in this as well.0 -
Is your SO overweight? If not, perhaps you could cook your healthy meals and let her add whatever she wants to her portions. If she is overweight, SHE is the only one who can make the decision to eat healthy. My DH has gained a lot of weight since he quit smoking last spring (after a heart attack) and is just now realizing he needs to attend to this. At first I was nagging him about it, but I have finally realized he has to do this for himself and not for me.
The ONLY reason I will answer this...she will never see it! I am far too smart to actually say this, but she could lose some weight. Technically, more than I should lose, and she is a foot shorter. In fact, she talks about it constantly. She talks about eating healthy and working out, but does neither. I say nothing. She has to find the same reason I did, for her.
Are you working out in the gym? Maybe you could get her in a fitness class she enjoys and lift (or whatever you do) while she's in there, or take a class together, or lift together. I don't often see couples lifting together, so I'm assuming there's something inherent to it that makes it fail.0 -
Is your SO overweight? If not, perhaps you could cook your healthy meals and let her add whatever she wants to her portions. If she is overweight, SHE is the only one who can make the decision to eat healthy. My DH has gained a lot of weight since he quit smoking last spring (after a heart attack) and is just now realizing he needs to attend to this. At first I was nagging him about it, but I have finally realized he has to do this for himself and not for me.
The ONLY reason I will answer this...she will never see it! I am far too smart to actually say this, but she could lose some weight. Technically, more than I should lose, and she is a foot shorter. In fact, she talks about it constantly. She talks about eating healthy and working out, but does neither. I say nothing. She has to find the same reason I did, for her.
Are you working out in the gym? Maybe you could get her in a fitness class she enjoys and lift (or whatever you do) while she's in there, or take a class together, or lift together. I don't often see couples lifting together, so I'm assuming there's something inherent to it that makes it fail.
This is a good idea. My husband started MFP after I did. We then started c25k together, and it was nice to have a running buddy.0 -
Are you working out in the gym? Maybe you could get her in a fitness class she enjoys and lift (or whatever you do) while she's in there, or take a class together, or lift together. I don't often see couples lifting together, so I'm assuming there's something inherent to it that makes it fail.
I just getting my own exercise going. I started T25 at home. She got a gym membership for us last year. I stopped asking her to go after getting told no all the time. She now has another membership that she got last month.
I really don't talk about it. If she were to go, I would say "cool", but that doesn't happen. I learned very well how not to bring it up. From the comments above I need to do the same with the food choices. I am glad I posted, even if I get ripped on a little. I learned a new perspective.0 -
Is your SO overweight? If not, perhaps you could cook your healthy meals and let her add whatever she wants to her portions. If she is overweight, SHE is the only one who can make the decision to eat healthy. My DH has gained a lot of weight since he quit smoking last spring (after a heart attack) and is just now realizing he needs to attend to this. At first I was nagging him about it, but I have finally realized he has to do this for himself and not for me.
The ONLY reason I will answer this...she will never see it! I am far too smart to actually say this, but she could lose some weight. Technically, more than I should lose, and she is a foot shorter. In fact, she talks about it constantly. She talks about eating healthy and working out, but does neither. I say nothing. She has to find the same reason I did, for her.
If she needs to find her own reason, you need to stop commenting on her food. You don't like her input about your food choices, so do not provide yours. If she chose a salad that day, congratulate her and move on. Everyone goes about this in a different way, and perhaps this is her way (ignoring calories and portions, and just making different choices). Sure, she may put all kinds of stuff on her salad, but is this switch resulting in her eating more vegetables? Then it's not necessarily a bad thing, because it means she is at least open to making changes. Cook meals that allow each of you to tailor your plates the way you want and just agree to worry about your own food. When she sees your progress over the coming weeks and months, she may decide to join you in making other changes.0 -
Are you working out in the gym? Maybe you could get her in a fitness class she enjoys and lift (or whatever you do) while she's in there, or take a class together, or lift together. I don't often see couples lifting together, so I'm assuming there's something inherent to it that makes it fail.
I just getting my own exercise going. I started T25 at home. She got a gym membership for us last year. I stopped asking her to go after getting told no all the time. She now has another membership that she got last month.
I really don't talk about it. If she were to go, I would say "cool", but that doesn't happen. I learned very well how not to bring it up. From the comments above I need to do the same with the food choices. I am glad I posted, even if I get ripped on a little. I learned a new perspective.
It's very easy to get excited about a new lifestyle and want those closest to us to be on board. I'm sure nothing you've said to her came from a place of malice. She isn't ready to make your changes so anything you say (even in the sweetest and most non-threatening way) could make her defensive.
It's not you. It's not her. It's the dynamic that has changed and until you guys talk it out and find a new foothold, you might run into these issues over and over again.
If you don't trust what comes out of your mouth, write it out to her. I think you both may need to reassure one another that these new changes won't take away from your relationship but just add to it positively.0 -
I just do my own thing. The hardest part is that I do not cook my own dinner (I work during dinner time), but I pack healthy snacks and try to only bring healthy foods into the house. My SO is not 100% on board, and I get mocked for logging during meals or "researching" foods that I can eat at restaurants we plan to go to, but I don't care. This is my story, not his! Same for you. Good luck!0
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My husband and I have done the weight loss thing many times. Usually the person who hops on the healthy bandwagon first annoys the heck out of the non healthy person until they get on board.
One time I banned health from my husband's talking vocabulary because everything he said was about eating healthy or his weight. So annoying after a few months.
This time I was the first on board and I decided to make mfp my outlet for health talk so I wouldn't be so annoying to friends and family.
It shouldn't destroy your relationship, but until yall are back on the same path, you may want to find other things to discuss.0 -
It's been that way on and off for the 2 or 3 years that I have been trying to lose. My husband for the most part, is supportive (he loves the home cooked meals, not so much about not having junk food) but sometimes, it's a split.
I am doing this for me, him, and mostly our son. Our son shouldn't be like us without our moms (both mine and my husband's moms are deceased) at a young age. We have had to compromise and I am okay with that, it's marriage.
Moral of the story: don't force her to convert. When she is ready she will. My husband hit his "aha" moment a while longer after I hit mine, and we don't work out together (he hates it, plus he has a rare heart condition that makes it difficult for him to) but we learned to live with me logging my food and exercising, and him doing his own thing.0 -
This is my first time posting ANYTHING on MFP that I can recall...
I went through pretty much the same thing with my husband. I think the WORST is when he KNEW I was uncomfortable about my weight and would tell me I was heavier than he would like me to be. I would think to myself "those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" and try to ignore it. THEN, almost immediately, he would sit down on the sofa and start chowing down on some chips or ice cream and try to FORCE me to eat it because he thought I wasn't eating anything. This led to me storming to the bedroom and him following acting bewildered as to why I was so upset.
When I worked out I never had his full support because I wasn't doing the same thing HE was doing. I was trying to do what was right for ME.
The above is not on the list of reasons why, but he and I are getting divorced. I have since moved in with my parents and two uncles and I have their FULL support! I probably could have kept going with someone who didn't support me as long as I had someone in my life who DID support me. So find someone to talk to and to boost your confidence and self worth because you are doing what's right for YOU. Not for the others who are your same age, height, frame, shoe size, whatever.
Took me FOREVER to realize I shouldn't have been trying to lose weight to be more worthy of him. I should have been trying to be more worthy to MYSELF.0 -
My family call me obsessive for the most part for logging in and logging my calories for the day. Total 20 minutes max. That includes researching recipes for dinner and trying to find better ways of doing things.
I have come to the conclusion, they just dont get it. Maybe they will one day but right now they dont because they dont share the same frame of mind and they are not trying to achieve the same goals as me.
I mostly just keep my well intentioned suggestions about other peoples food to myself and I prefer people to do the same for me.0 -
A persons eating habbits do have an affect on others. I try not to be too anal about it anymore0
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