"you are taking this too seriously"

Dnarules

Is your SO overweight? If not, perhaps you could cook your healthy meals and let her add whatever she wants to her portions. If she is overweight, SHE is the only one who can make the decision to eat healthy. My DH has gained a lot of weight since he quit smoking last spring (after a heart attack) and is just now realizing he needs to attend to this. At first I was nagging him about it, but I have finally realized he has to do this for himself and not for me.

The ONLY reason I will answer this...she will never see it! I am far too smart to actually say this, but she could lose some weight. Technically, more than I should lose, and she is a foot shorter. In fact, she talks about it constantly. She talks about eating healthy and working out, but does neither. I say nothing. She has to find the same reason I did, for her.

Are you working out in the gym? Maybe you could get her in a fitness class she enjoys and lift (or whatever you do) while she's in there, or take a class together, or lift together. I don't often see couples lifting together, so I'm assuming there's something inherent to it that makes it fail.

This is a good idea. My husband started MFP after I did. We then started c25k together, and it was nice to have a running buddy.

mndavid

Are you working out in the gym? Maybe you could get her in a fitness class she enjoys and lift (or whatever you do) while she's in there, or take a class together, or lift together. I don't often see couples lifting together, so I'm assuming there's something inherent to it that makes it fail.

I just getting my own exercise going. I started T25 at home. She got a gym membership for us last year. I stopped asking her to go after getting told no all the time. She now has another membership that she got last month.

I really don't talk about it. If she were to go, I would say "cool", but that doesn't happen. I learned very well how not to bring it up. From the comments above I need to do the same with the food choices. I am glad I posted, even if I get ripped on a little. I learned a new perspective.

kgeyser

Is your SO overweight? If not, perhaps you could cook your healthy meals and let her add whatever she wants to her portions. If she is overweight, SHE is the only one who can make the decision to eat healthy. My DH has gained a lot of weight since he quit smoking last spring (after a heart attack) and is just now realizing he needs to attend to this. At first I was nagging him about it, but I have finally realized he has to do this for himself and not for me.

The ONLY reason I will answer this...she will never see it! I am far too smart to actually say this, but she could lose some weight. Technically, more than I should lose, and she is a foot shorter. In fact, she talks about it constantly. She talks about eating healthy and working out, but does neither. I say nothing. She has to find the same reason I did, for her.

If she needs to find her own reason, you need to stop commenting on her food. You don't like her input about your food choices, so do not provide yours. If she chose a salad that day, congratulate her and move on. Everyone goes about this in a different way, and perhaps this is her way (ignoring calories and portions, and just making different choices). Sure, she may put all kinds of stuff on her salad, but is this switch resulting in her eating more vegetables? Then it's not necessarily a bad thing, because it means she is at least open to making changes. Cook meals that allow each of you to tailor your plates the way you want and just agree to worry about your own food. When she sees your progress over the coming weeks and months, she may decide to join you in making other changes.

Phaedra2014

Are you working out in the gym? Maybe you could get her in a fitness class she enjoys and lift (or whatever you do) while she's in there, or take a class together, or lift together. I don't often see couples lifting together, so I'm assuming there's something inherent to it that makes it fail.

I just getting my own exercise going. I started T25 at home. She got a gym membership for us last year. I stopped asking her to go after getting told no all the time. She now has another membership that she got last month.

I really don't talk about it. If she were to go, I would say "cool", but that doesn't happen. I learned very well how not to bring it up. From the comments above I need to do the same with the food choices. I am glad I posted, even if I get ripped on a little. I learned a new perspective.

It's very easy to get excited about a new lifestyle and want those closest to us to be on board. I'm sure nothing you've said to her came from a place of malice. She isn't ready to make your changes so anything you say (even in the sweetest and most non-threatening way) could make her defensive.

It's not you. It's not her. It's the dynamic that has changed and until you guys talk it out and find a new foothold, you might run into these issues over and over again.

If you don't trust what comes out of your mouth, write it out to her. I think you both may need to reassure one another that these new changes won't take away from your relationship but just add to it positively.

Awesomers

I just do my own thing. The hardest part is that I do not cook my own dinner (I work during dinner time), but I pack healthy snacks and try to only bring healthy foods into the house. My SO is not 100% on board, and I get mocked for logging during meals or "researching" foods that I can eat at restaurants we plan to go to, but I don't care. This is my story, not his! Same for you. Good luck!

katznkt

My husband and I have done the weight loss thing many times. Usually the person who hops on the healthy bandwagon first annoys the heck out of the non healthy person until they get on board.

One time I banned health from my husband's talking vocabulary because everything he said was about eating healthy or his weight. So annoying after a few months.

This time I was the first on board and I decided to make mfp my outlet for health talk so I wouldn't be so annoying to friends and family.

It shouldn't destroy your relationship, but until yall are back on the same path, you may want to find other things to discuss.

NavyKnightAh13

It's been that way on and off for the 2 or 3 years that I have been trying to lose. My husband for the most part, is supportive (he loves the home cooked meals, not so much about not having junk food) but sometimes, it's a split.

I am doing this for me, him, and mostly our son. Our son shouldn't be like us without our moms (both mine and my husband's moms are deceased) at a young age. We have had to compromise and I am okay with that, it's marriage.

Moral of the story: don't force her to convert. When she is ready she will. My husband hit his "aha" moment a while longer after I hit mine, and we don't work out together (he hates it, plus he has a rare heart condition that makes it difficult for him to) but we learned to live with me logging my food and exercising, and him doing his own thing.

BodyByBex

This is my first time posting ANYTHING on MFP that I can recall...
I went through pretty much the same thing with my husband. I think the WORST is when he KNEW I was uncomfortable about my weight and would tell me I was heavier than he would like me to be. I would think to myself "those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" and try to ignore it. THEN, almost immediately, he would sit down on the sofa and start chowing down on some chips or ice cream and try to FORCE me to eat it because he thought I wasn't eating anything. This led to me storming to the bedroom and him following acting bewildered as to why I was so upset.
When I worked out I never had his full support because I wasn't doing the same thing HE was doing. I was trying to do what was right for ME.
The above is not on the list of reasons why, but he and I are getting divorced. I have since moved in with my parents and two uncles and I have their FULL support! I probably could have kept going with someone who didn't support me as long as I had someone in my life who DID support me. So find someone to talk to and to boost your confidence and self worth because you are doing what's right for YOU. Not for the others who are your same age, height, frame, shoe size, whatever.
Took me FOREVER to realize I shouldn't have been trying to lose weight to be more worthy of him. I should have been trying to be more worthy to MYSELF.

potatovine

My family call me obsessive for the most part for logging in and logging my calories for the day. Total 20 minutes max. That includes researching recipes for dinner and trying to find better ways of doing things.
I have come to the conclusion, they just dont get it. Maybe they will one day but right now they dont because they dont share the same frame of mind and they are not trying to achieve the same goals as me.
I mostly just keep my well intentioned suggestions about other peoples food to myself and I prefer people to do the same for me.

baptiste565

A persons eating habbits do have an affect on others. I try not to be too anal about it anymore

Mr_Knight

She is very typical and will text with how healthy she just ate, because it was a salad. Then she takes it personally when I try to give a suggestion. Her salad at the restaurant was more calories than I ate that day and I said "that's great, but it would be even better if we find a healthy recipe for that and still get the taste".

You're too old to be making rookie mistakes like that.

Take care of your own plate, let her take care of her own.

lisalsd1

She might feel self-conscious about what she is eating or about her weight. Just keep doing what you are doing, and just leave her alone. She might eventually come around when she sees your results. The worst thing would be to be pushy (especially if she is overweight). She might take your advice as an insult. That's only going to lead to resentment.

I've found that sometimes when you are losing weight and taking control over your health, people close to you (who happen to be overweight), unfortunately, take your behaviors as a personal comment on their weight.

Danilynn1975

My story:

2 years ago exactly today, the day before my 37th birthday then, in a hotel room in Atlanta on a business trip and saw myself under those harsh bathroom lights and thought "ugh, I'm fat". And I was fat. I weighed 209 pounds at 5 foot 7 inches tall.

I did not like what I saw staring back at me. I barely recognized me. I decided to change. I found this app on my phone, downloaded it and started logging. I cried the first time I logged my food. I distinctly remember the meal that I logged that made me cry.

I don't think I could ever forget it.

My husband is rail thin. Has never been fat and having seen his genetics, probably never will be. He loved me when I outweighed him by 79 pounds, he loves me now and still outweigh him.

I got home from that business trip on my birthday. My husband had baked me a cake and decorated it.
He didn't know I had started this app.
I didn't tell him, I logged and ate my cake and cried afterwards. It was traumatic. I so did not want to hurt his feelings by not eating a cake he baked from scratch for me out of love. It was the first cake he had ever made and it was for me.

A couple days later I let him in on this app I was doing, he didn't say anything, just looked at me funny.
He does the cooking, but he bought a Weight Watchers cookbook and started making dinner from those recipes for me so I could calculate them.

They do not taste diet. You might give that a whirl for you and your wife. The kids even liked the stuff from that cookbook.

Tomorrow is my birthday, 2 years of logging every bite I have eaten. My husband thinks nothing of it anymore. He's branched out from that cookbook since then. He warns me if a high calorie dinner is planned, and if I say not today, he will make 2 meals or leave me some of what he plans to cook to fix it how I want it.

He writes down the ingredients for me, will even weigh it out.

Through this whole time, he has never pushed, criticized or asked me one thing about if I should or should not eat something.

His diet has improved. He is a heart patient, and his health has improved as a by-product of supporting me.

He is an absolutely awesome guy.

I think you probably are too for asking help to not hurt her feelings. And I think it is admirable.

One thing I did learn, was the less of a big deal you make it, the less of an issue it is.

But give the weightwatchers cookbook recipes a try. They don't have funky swaps like try and pass off smushed cauliflower as "mashed potatoes" in it. Which by the way fool no one not even yourself.

Its recognizable food she might enjoy. But for all that is holy, do not tell her where the recipe came from. As a woman I can tell you, it would be a bad thing if it isn't in her plan.

Good luck.

Stripeness

She is very typical and will text with how healthy she just ate, because it was a salad. Then she takes it personally when I try to give a suggestion. Her salad at the restaurant was more calories than I ate that day and I said "that's great, but it would be even better if we find a healthy recipe for that and still get the taste".

You're too old to be making rookie mistakes like that.

Take care of your own plate, let her take care of her own.

This!

And OP, a few weeks ago, my (adult) DD melodramatically wailed and armwaved from the kitchen "All those times I mocked you for using the food scale. OH! How the mighty have fallen!" - as she weighed out whatever she was eating.

We had a good laugh. Someday, you and DW may, too!

janicebinva

Several people have given good advice. One thing I didn't see was how not to take her eye rolling and comments too seriously, unless you think she's trying to sabotage you on purpose.

Some people don't like change, and you're changing the way you eat, which is one of the important routines of the household. The fact that it's a good change may not matter to the part of her that doesn't like change, if she does have that tendency.

Seeing you pay attention to her diet also reminds her that perhaps she should pay attention to her own. Depending on her reaction to that -- if the inner child wails "it's not fair! I want to eat whatever I want!" -- then it may be the inner child talking.

If you have to, I would draw clear boundaries about what can be said and done by each of you when it comes to sharing opinions about how much or what you're eating, and working out. For instance, no eye rolling when you get out the scale. Things like that. She should be supportive and humor your efforts to do something positive, even if it puts a crimp in her style.

Good luck!

mndavid

You're too old to be making rookie mistakes like that.

Take care of your own plate, let her take care of her own.

I really am, I see it now

She might feel self-conscious about what she is eating or about her weight. Just keep doing what you are doing, and just leave her alone. She might eventually come around when she sees your results. The worst thing would be to be pushy (especially if she is overweight). She might take your advice as an insult. That's only going to lead to resentment.

I've found that sometimes when you are losing weight and taking control over your health, people close to you (who happen to be overweight), unfortunately, take your behaviors as a personal comment on their weight.

I realized on page one my mistake. Maybe some other dumb guy will learn from it too

This!

And OP, a few weeks ago, my (adult) DD melodramatically wailed and armwaved from the kitchen "All those times I mocked you for using the food scale. OH! How the mighty have fallen!" - as she weighed out whatever she was eating.

We had a good laugh. Someday, you and DW may, too!

Not a wife, but I hope so we have a good laugh about it one day.

Several people have given good advice. One thing I didn't see was how not to take her eye rolling and comments too seriously, unless you think she's trying to sabotage you on purpose.

Some people don't like change, and you're changing the way you eat, which is one of the important routines of the household. The fact that it's a good change may not matter to the part of her that doesn't like change, if she does have that tendency.

Seeing you pay attention to her diet also reminds her that perhaps she should pay attention to her own. Depending on her reaction to that -- if the inner child wails "it's not fair! I want to eat whatever I want!" -- then it may be the inner child talking.

If you have to, I would draw clear boundaries about what can be said and done by each of you when it comes to sharing opinions about how much or what you're eating, and working out. For instance, no eye rolling when you get out the scale. Things like that. She should be supportive and humor your efforts to do something positive, even if it puts a crimp in her style.

Good luck!

I don't let the comments get to me. I still will scan or enter food on my phone. It helps me.

I have gotten positive comments from her since it is already obvious, so I hope things go in a positive direction. I am shutting my mouth more now.