I need wedding help :(
hellraisedfire
Posts: 403 Member
in Chit-Chat
how do you deal with mothers who don't let you plan a single thing of your own wedding?
she gave us a list of three country clubs. we found another one that we liked, but she said "they serve too much food and it's out of the question". so, she made a reservation at one that my fiance hasn't ever seen. edited to add: we don't want it at a country club, period. we'd like it at a garden or a state park or something outdoors-y.
next, she won't let me pick my maid of honor. obviously, I wanted my best friend (seems fitting, no?) she either wants me to pick my friend from high school (that I haven't spoken to in about two years), or my older cousin (I'm not close with her).
and finally. she has her mind set on a burlap lace dress. I don't even know what to say to that one.
I know this sounds like a bad TV show but. seriously. SOMEONE HELP ME.
she gave us a list of three country clubs. we found another one that we liked, but she said "they serve too much food and it's out of the question". so, she made a reservation at one that my fiance hasn't ever seen. edited to add: we don't want it at a country club, period. we'd like it at a garden or a state park or something outdoors-y.
next, she won't let me pick my maid of honor. obviously, I wanted my best friend (seems fitting, no?) she either wants me to pick my friend from high school (that I haven't spoken to in about two years), or my older cousin (I'm not close with her).
and finally. she has her mind set on a burlap lace dress. I don't even know what to say to that one.
I know this sounds like a bad TV show but. seriously. SOMEONE HELP ME.
0
Replies
-
Don't worry, take a big deep breath...been there, done that. My mother-in-law wanted to take the entire thing over.
And the only real answer to this one, hun, is to put your foot down and say "I'm sorry, I really do appreciate the help you are giving me, but as this is my wedding, I will plan it the way that I want."
We got married on Halloween and held a huge costume ball...not something my mother-in-law (nor my mother for that matter) was thrilled about. She tried to stick her nose into the whole thing, stating that it would not be decent if there weren't flowers and altars and a white dress, etc...
I felt horrible doing it, but I told her that I was going to do it my way. She was a bit offstandish for a while, but she eventually came around. And as for my Halloween wedding that she was so certain was going to be a bust and totally dreadful, is still the most talked about wedding in my family. I keep getting asked when we will be holding an anniversary party. LOL
Chin up, darling, you can do this. It's your big day, do it the way that you want it done. Good luck!0 -
Eh hello who's wedding is this ??
Is that your own mother deciding all of this because if my mam had gone on like that when I was getting married she would have been put in her place straight away, my mother in law tried something similar with my husband an I nipped that one in the bud straight away. I was polite and just said look I have everything in hand and am all organised and if I need your help I will ask.
Just stand up to your mother and tell her to butt out politely of course, cancel her venue and book your own take control of YOUR wedding if you want it to be special for you and your partner a day about yourselves that shows off each other's personalities then tell her you dont want that venue, you are choosing your own maid of honour and you and your partner are making the decisions and on the dress all I can say is OMG that is the most important part of the day for a bride.
I sound harsh but its all truth and if you stand up to your mam with manners and politeness she cant complain.0 -
Elope.0
-
Who is paying?
I think that's what it ALL boils down to.
Period.0 -
Who is paying?
I think that's what it ALL boils down to.
Period.
Even if my mother was paying I don't think she should be allowed to pick my maid of honor.0 -
Who is paying?
I think that's what it ALL boils down to.
Period.
Even if my mother was paying I don't think she should be allowed to pick my maid of honor.
I agree with that, definitely. But I also think you give up a huge amount of choice if your parents are paying.
My parents didn't pay for either of my weddings (I'm older and have been remarried after a 9 yr first marriage)...and as I see it, that's why both were *EXACTLY* how I wanted them to be.0 -
Don't do it.0
-
Is she's paying for it? If so, then she gets an opinion on the venue. If you really don't want one of her venues, you'll have to pay for it yourself.
As far as the dress and the maid of honor, you need to sit her down and be firm. Tell her it's your wedding and you appreciate her input but will be making the final decisions yourself. Stand up to her!0 -
This thread makes me love my mother so much more than I already did.
I wish I had some advice, but I have never had to deal with something like that and probably never will. All I can say is just put your foot down?0 -
first who is paying for it?
that matters....mostly with the money stuff like where it's being held etc...
secondly, grow a backbone and tell her you get to pick YOUR maid of honor...
you want help from us? for what? mass emailing your mommy telling her to stop being a meanie?
I hate to be brusque, but the only way you are going to get the wedding YOU want is if YOU put your foot down....(and pay for it)0 -
Elope.
^ This0 -
first who is paying for it?
that matters....mostly with the money stuff like where it's being held etc...
secondly, grow a backbone and tell her you get to pick YOUR maid of honor...
you want help from us? for what? mass emailing your mommy telling her to stop being a meanie?
I hate to be brusque, but the only way you are going to get the wedding YOU want is if YOU put your foot down....(and pay for it)
0 -
elope!
In all seriousness - it's YOUR wedding. She's maybe sad to be losing her baby and this gives her a feeling of control. If that's not it and she's controlling in general, just tell her you appreciate her wanting to help, but this is YOUR special day and you need to have more say in what you want.0 -
Elope.
^ This
0 -
I probably sounded a bit too harsh when I first responded to this. Sorry if so. But I do think (as others have stated too) finances tend to play a major role in the decision making & planning process.
Are you and your fiancé on the same page about what you both really want for your wedding day (for example you mentioned an outdoor/natural setting)? Perhaps you could sit down with your mom as a UNIFIED front and discuss this with her. Not that you couldn't do it alone, but from the sound of things she's kind of steamrolling your desires. So seeing the two of you - the soon-to-be bride and groom together - discussing it, could have more impact.
I think a lot of parents have a very narrow vision of what their child's wedding should be like. Church or country club, super traditional, etc. It sounds like your mother has her own vision of it as well, like the burlap lace dress...those things are great and all, but she does need to face the fact that it is YOUR wedding, not her own. I think those same parents tend to freak if their child says they want something nontraditional and assume it wouldn't be adequately classy or whatever...try to convince her that your vision would satisfy her desires, too, if possible. If you're doing a fairly standard wedding, I assume that she'll be free to invite all of the friends & family she wishes...but help her see that you also want a "nice wedding" it just might not be to her EXACT specifications and that should be acceptable to her...if not, then yeah, I'd agree with others who say go your own way and pay for it yourselves!!
Maybe you can give her free rein on a few things that do not matter that much to you or your fiancé...perhaps the cake, food, or some of the decorations. You specifically mentioned the MOH and dress, so I'm guessing those 2 things are pretty important to you. Don't budge on those.
I think your level of action is probably going to matter a lot. I had a friend who married in her mid 20's and basically was hands off about everything. Her wealthy dad & stepmom planned her wedding and made every decision, because she was just kind of like "I don't care". They spent a lot on her day and it wasn't really what she or her husband would have chosen. I got married shortly after she did, in a smaller ceremony at a B&B that cost probably 10% of what her wedding cost. She kept saying how that's the type of wedding she would have wanted, and all I could think about was how her stepmom would have saved so much time & trouble. Although in her case, her parents didn't really care about a specific type of wedding they were just trying to do "Wedding" as they thought it had to be done, which was quite 1983 but eh, whatever.
Good luck to you!!0 -
tom and I are seriously considering eloping.
also - as for paying for it, it can go either way. I never expected my mum to pay for it, so I have a lot of money saved up for this purpose. we can pay for it fully if that's what it comes down to.
I know it's our wedding, but I really would like to have my mum involved somehow with the planning. my dad passed away when I was 11 and I don't have any siblings. so I feel really bad butting my mom out totally, but... I really don't want to look back at our wedding and hate everything besides my fiance! lol.0 -
Well, pay yourselves then.tom and I are seriously considering eloping.
also - as for paying for it, it can go either way. I never expected my mum to pay for it, so I have a lot of money saved up for this purpose. we can pay for it fully if that's what it comes down to.
I know it's our wedding, but I really would like to have my mum involved somehow with the planning. my dad passed away when I was 11 and I don't have any siblings. so I feel really bad butting my mom out totally, but... I really don't want to look back at our wedding and hate everything besides my fiance! lol.
It's one thing for her to be involved, another for her to make all the decisions and not consider what you want at all. You should be able to choose your MOH and you should be able to choose the venue. Even if she's paying, it should be, "You have this budget to work with." If the place you want fits the budget, that's what matters most.
I'm confused about a place serving "too much food." If it costs the same or less, who cares? But I come from Italian and Jewish people, so I may have a different idea about food. lol0 -
Don't worry, that too will happen in due time..."I really don't want to look back at our wedding and hate everything besides my fiance! lol."
0 -
Don't worry, that too will happen in due time..."I really don't want to look back at our wedding and hate everything besides my fiance! lol."
0 -
tom and I are seriously considering eloping.
also - as for paying for it, it can go either way. I never expected my mum to pay for it, so I have a lot of money saved up for this purpose. we can pay for it fully if that's what it comes down to.
I know it's our wedding, but I really would like to have my mum involved somehow with the planning. my dad passed away when I was 11 and I don't have any siblings. so I feel really bad butting my mom out totally, but... I really don't want to look back at our wedding and hate everything besides my fiance! lol.
ok. Two things.
You do what you want. You may have to sit your mother down and say that, it's your wedding and if you don't want to hate it, then you have to learn to voice that.
however compromise is a great tool....don't feel like the whole thing has to be ALL yours....if there is some aspect you and your fiance aren't that invested in then don't be afraid to hand that over to mom and let her have her own little piece of it.
You said your father passed away, would your mother like to handle a part of the service that is a memorial for his lack of presence?
can she help with the wedding shower?
find some things to keep her busy yet keeps her hands off the important parts to you.0 -
as for not classy, I'm the TOTAL opposite of class. I work on mechanical job sites with steel toed boots all day, I race cars, I have a hell of a motorcycle, and seven tattoos. for my high school graduation, I parked my blacked out subaru with twin subs in the yard instead of getting a DJ (and it was awesome btw).
and for the food. SERIOUSLY?! I KNOW. my family is italian, tom's family is polish. is there such thing as "too much food?!" I think not. I mean if there's leftovers going to be thrown out, you can bet I will take all of them to a homeless shelter. I was APPALLED she said "too much food".
I feel like a jerk saying "sorry mom, I'm going to pay for it myself". I really do. but I'm not a fancy person. the wedding dress *I* picked out was $189. and for a dress I'm going to wear once, that's more than enough.0 -
You can pay and still let her have a say in some things. She just doesn't get the final decision. She had her wedding. This one's yours.as for not classy, I'm the TOTAL opposite of class. I work on mechanical job sites with steel toed boots all day, I race cars, I have a hell of a motorcycle, and seven tattoos. for my high school graduation, I parked my blacked out subaru with twin subs in the yard instead of getting a DJ (and it was awesome btw).
and for the food. SERIOUSLY?! I KNOW. my family is italian, tom's family is polish. is there such thing as "too much food?!" I think not. I mean if there's leftovers going to be thrown out, you can bet I will take all of them to a homeless shelter. I was APPALLED she said "too much food".
I feel like a jerk saying "sorry mom, I'm going to pay for it myself". I really do. but I'm not a fancy person. the wedding dress *I* picked out was $189. and for a dress I'm going to wear once, that's more than enough.
You really need to tell her in no uncertain terms how you feel and what you want.0 -
Don't worry, that too will happen in due time..."I really don't want to look back at our wedding and hate everything besides my fiance! lol."
haha you two are jerks! :laugh:
seriously though. there are some days I wanna kill him. I have a silent pact with myself that no matter how mad I am with him, I'll tell him I love him before we go to sleep.
0 -
Even if she's paying, it should be, "You have this budget to work with."
I am not a parent so I don't know why I even care...but no!
I guess I have strong feelings about that after seeing some of my friends when I was younger make terrible decisions with their wedding budgets LOL0 -
as for not classy, I'm the TOTAL opposite of class. I work on mechanical job sites with steel toed boots all day, I race cars, I have a hell of a motorcycle, and seven tattoos. for my high school graduation, I parked my blacked out subaru with twin subs in the yard instead of getting a DJ (and it was awesome btw).
and for the food. SERIOUSLY?! I KNOW. my family is italian, tom's family is polish. is there such thing as "too much food?!" I think not. I mean if there's leftovers going to be thrown out, you can bet I will take all of them to a homeless shelter. I was APPALLED she said "too much food".
I feel like a jerk saying "sorry mom, I'm going to pay for it myself". I really do. but I'm not a fancy person. the wedding dress *I* picked out was $189. and for a dress I'm going to wear once, that's more than enough.
I love that you're not a diva wanting her princess wedding. That's cool!0 -
Were your friends unhappy with their decisions?
Even if she's paying, it should be, "You have this budget to work with."
I am not a parent so I don't know why I even care...but no!
I guess I have strong feelings about that after seeing some of my friends when I was younger make terrible decisions with their wedding budgets LOL0 -
You've mentioned High School twice, so I'm assuming you are young...
Depending on your mom's age, she may be accustomed to thinking "the mother plans." I know my mother had NO say in her wedding or her dress... but that was 40 years ago and she was a very young bride. Use tact. She's your mother... talk it out. Time for your big girl panties.
Weddings are very seriously overrated in my book, so I struggle with this whole concept...0 -
Even if she's paying, it should be, "You have this budget to work with."
I am not a parent so I don't know why I even care...but no!
I guess I have strong feelings about that after seeing some of my friends when I was younger make terrible decisions with their wedding budgets LOL
oh no I FULLY agree!!!! we're starting to build a house this year, and you have NO idea how much I'd rather have a backyard wedding and have her put that money on the side for like, appliances or something we need in the future. I think weddings are absurd to be totally honest.0 -
Even if she's paying, it should be, "You have this budget to work with."
I am not a parent so I don't know why I even care...but no!
I guess I have strong feelings about that after seeing some of my friends when I was younger make terrible decisions with their wedding budgets LOL
oh no I FULLY agree!!!! we're starting to build a house this year, and you have NO idea how much I'd rather have a backyard wedding and have her put that money on the side for like, appliances or something we need in the future. I think weddings are absurd to be totally honest.
*highest of fives*0 -
Sit her down and explain to her that you love her, but this is YOUR wedding, and you and your fiance will be making the final decisions. Her input will be considered, but ultimately, it is your day. See if she accepts that or not. If she doesn't accept it, then tell her that you don't expect her to pay for something she is dead set against, you will do things within your own means.
The celebration should reflect your tastes and lifestyle, not her idea of how it should be, or the wedding she never got, or to meet some expectation of anyone else.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 427 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions