I need wedding help :(

hellraisedfire

You've mentioned High School twice, so I'm assuming you are young...

Depending on your mom's age, she may be accustomed to thinking "the mother plans." I know my mother had NO say in her wedding or her dress... but that was 40 years ago and she was a very young bride. Use tact. She's your mother... talk it out. Time for your big girl panties.


Weddings are very seriously overrated in my book, so I struggle with this whole concept...

I think you might be my long-lost sister!! I'm 25 too btw.

rml_16

You've mentioned High School twice, so I'm assuming you are young...

Depending on your mom's age, she may be accustomed to thinking "the mother plans." I know my mother had NO say in her wedding or her dress... but that was 40 years ago and she was a very young bride. Use tact. She's your mother... talk it out. Time for your big girl panties.


Weddings are very seriously overrated in my book, so I struggle with this whole concept...

I think you might be my long-lost sister!! I'm 25 too btw.

*joins you both on the "weddings are stupid" couch*

odusgolp

You've mentioned High School twice, so I'm assuming you are young...

Depending on your mom's age, she may be accustomed to thinking "the mother plans." I know my mother had NO say in her wedding or her dress... but that was 40 years ago and she was a very young bride. Use tact. She's your mother... talk it out. Time for your big girl panties.


Weddings are very seriously overrated in my book, so I struggle with this whole concept...

I think you might be my long-lost sister!! I'm 25 too btw.

If you told her, "Hey, let's do a really inexpensive thing at the park and you set aside that wedding fund for something really important.... like our future refrigerator " How would she react?

I know my mother would have leapt for joy *LOL*


Your fiance may strangle her one day too if she tries to horn in on your marriage like this... warning! :P

hellraisedfire

seriously you guys have no idea how much better you made me feel. everyone in my family keeps telling me to let her go and it's "more of her wedding" than it is mine. I'm starting to feel like I'm on the crazy bus or something!!!!

PBsMommy

Some replies to this thread makes me appreciate my mother, my step-mother and my mother in law so much...

Planning my wedding, we paid for some of it on our own but each one of them helped out with things here and there to take the burden off of us.

I never once had to worry about telling them no and them saying "Well I ain't gonna pay for so and so. If you want it your way, pay for it". They were all the most supportive, caring women who wanted my day to go the way I envisioned it, no matter who was paying for what.

However, I also wasn't a spoiled bride and had a very simple wedding and reception.

To the OP: I think you should just sit down with your mother and tell her the things you and your fiance want and how you would like things to go. I would like to believe any mother would want her daughter's wedding to be all that her daughter wanted it to be and not the mother's vision of a dream wedding. I think you are just lacking communication between each other.

deksgrl

Your fiance may strangle her one day too if she tries to horn in on your marriage like this... warning! :P

Yes, this is something else I forgot to mention. You could approach it something like, mom, these are the first major decisions fiance and I will be making for our life together. Please allow us to work through this as a couple. We will consider your suggestions, but......

IPAkiller

You've mentioned High School twice, so I'm assuming you are young...

Depending on your mom's age, she may be accustomed to thinking "the mother plans." I know my mother had NO say in her wedding or her dress... but that was 40 years ago and she was a very young bride. Use tact. She's your mother... talk it out. Time for your big girl panties.


Weddings are very seriously overrated in my book, so I struggle with this whole concept...

I think you might be my long-lost sister!! I'm 25 too btw.

*joins you both on the "weddings are stupid" couch*

We've outgrown the couch. Let's CONGA!

summertime_girl

I didn't read all the responses, but if you're allowing her to pay for it, you need to deal with what she wants. If you want something completely different, pay for it yourself. There's a lot more satisfaction to be had in paying on your own.

odusgolp

You've mentioned High School twice, so I'm assuming you are young...

Depending on your mom's age, she may be accustomed to thinking "the mother plans." I know my mother had NO say in her wedding or her dress... but that was 40 years ago and she was a very young bride. Use tact. She's your mother... talk it out. Time for your big girl panties.


Weddings are very seriously overrated in my book, so I struggle with this whole concept...

I think you might be my long-lost sister!! I'm 25 too btw.

*joins you both on the "weddings are stupid" couch*

We've outgrown the couch. Let's CONGA!

Next time I see you, you must do this for me, K? Thanks.

aelphabawest

Compromise: Stick your foot down (especially about the made of honor), and pay for it entirely yourself. But, to keep the peace a bit (because you are stuck with her): give her a project. "[Future MIL], I really appreciate your interest in this event, but [Husband-to-Be] and I are going to do [X, Y, and Z] for the wedding. However, how about you plan our [Rehearsal Dinner/Sunday Brunch/Something]?"

kmbweber2014

Who is paying?

I think that's what it ALL boils down to.

Period.

Even if my mother was paying I don't think she should be allowed to pick my maid of honor.

I agree with that, definitely. But I also think you give up a huge amount of choice if your parents are paying.

My parents didn't pay for either of my weddings (I'm older and have been remarried after a 9 yr first marriage)...and as I see it, that's why both were *EXACTLY* how I wanted them to be.

This. I want to elope so bad but I can't so my mother and fiance get to plan the wedding. I just want to show up.

EddieHaskell97

You should leave your fiancee...

PennyM140

If she is paying for everything then it is fair that she gets a say in things that are expense related. Like picking one location over another based on price.
I think you need to sit down with your mother and tell her that while you appreciate her willingness to help, you feel like you need to be the one making the majority of the decisions. If she freaks out and says pay for your own wedding then, you already have the means set aside for that.
Hopefully the two of you can compromise and make the wedding planing and the wedding itself enjoyable for both of you. But when it comes down to it, this is YOUR special day and you need to make sure you are happy with it.

On another note, my personal experience is that is an awful lot of hoopla for ONE day. Yes it's special, but in the scheme of things it is only one little ol day.

seltzermint555

Even if she's paying, it should be, "You have this budget to work with."

I am not a parent so I don't know why I even care...but no!

I guess I have strong feelings about that after seeing some of my friends when I was younger make terrible decisions with their wedding budgets LOL

Were your friends unhappy with their decisions?

OMG yes, and some of them have strained relationships with their parents more than a decade after the fact due to them!
Most often, they would be given the run of our city with their wedding budget and then get hemmed in by some vendor who made them feel their weddings would be disastrous without $4,000 in flowers, or a specific artsy photographer, etc. And then they were left with nothing for other areas of their ceremony and/or reception...or in one case, with their parents taking out a second mortgage to extend the budget and cover it all.

threefancy

You've mentioned High School twice, so I'm assuming you are young...

Depending on your mom's age, she may be accustomed to thinking "the mother plans." I know my mother had NO say in her wedding or her dress... but that was 40 years ago and she was a very young bride. Use tact. She's your mother... talk it out. Time for your big girl panties.


Weddings are very seriously overrated in my book, so I struggle with this whole concept...

I think you might be my long-lost sister!! I'm 25 too btw.

*joins you both on the "weddings are stupid" couch*

Me too! Me too!
I got married in a dive bar that we rented out for the night. My husband's band played, and we had pizza and cake brought in. Open bar for the guests. So much better than planning out a wedding I didn't want in the first place. As I repeatedly told my MIL, "I want a marriage, not a wedding."

monikagiesbrecht

I just got married and it was exactly opposite.. my mother told me to do exactly what I liked and what I wanted, and my mother IN LAW was the one who was sooo picky.
Here is a few things he controlled and thought her way or the high way:

1- My colors were black and pink and I asked all the Women in both Familes to wear black and they guys to wear a pink shirt with a white tie... my family did... she however thought black was for funerals. so her, her daughter (sister in law now), wore a white dress both, the son wore a white shirt and the other sister wore a pink dress. The dad wore a pink shirt (which he hated). thats about as cooperative as they got.

2- I wanted an Outdoor Wedding and it HAD to be on their Yard.. that was the only way she was helping with ANYTHING including cleaning up. (She just wanted to show off her house/yard)

3- No Alcohol (we did wine without her knowing until the day of)

4- No dance

5- No low cut dress(es)... uhm yeah... she wanted to tell ME what to do with MY dress or my bridesmaids dresses.

6- Her youngest 2 (girl 6, boy 7) HAD to be flower girl/ring bearer and i had 5 ring bearers and 1 flower girl already (because I wanted that) and we just didn't tell her until rehearsal and she made a HUGE deal over it and basically cried because they werent in the wedding so she altered it for them to be in it... (so mad till this day)

And Finally 7- They did not do a speech at the wedding, however they told us exactly who we HAD to thank on our speech.

Yupp, honestly biggest advice... do what makes you happy. because you do not wanna look back at that day and regret everything and everyone that was there (i did). Tell your mom its your wedding and just tell her you will pay for it if you have to if she acts like that. thats what i threatened with... it worked... somewhat, well for my parents... his didn't pay for anything.

rml_16

Even if she's paying, it should be, "You have this budget to work with."

I am not a parent so I don't know why I even care...but no!

I guess I have strong feelings about that after seeing some of my friends when I was younger make terrible decisions with their wedding budgets LOL

Were your friends unhappy with their decisions?

OMG yes, and some of them have strained relationships with their parents more than a decade after the fact due to them!
Most often, they would be given the run of our city with their wedding budget and then get hemmed in by some vendor who made them feel their weddings would be disastrous without $4,000 in flowers, or a specific artsy photographer, etc. And then they were left with nothing for other areas of their ceremony and/or reception...or in one case, with their parents taking out a second mortgage to extend the budget and cover it all.

Well, I guess I worded my previous post a bit oddly. What I meant was more along the lines of WITHIN REASON, if one venue is the same proce as another and the couple getting married prefers it, they should be allowed to have the wedding where they choose.

But it sounds like your friends either had unlimited budgets or weren't very smart. I mean, if you're given a specific amount of money and you have to book a venue, flowers, photographer, dress, etc., you still have to work within that budget and decide what matters. If you can only afford the $300 photographer, no one can talk you into the $4,000 photographer. Or flowers. Or whatever. Because you won't be able to pay for it.

angel7472

One of my weddings I did the whole shebang because his mother paid for it. The whole thing is nothing but a blur. I dont remember any of it. Lets just say that obviously we are divorced.

My current husband and I went to a tiny venue that had an outdoor gazebo and paid a couple hundred, had a few close friends, and said I do. I baked our cake and we ordered pizza. We did what we wanted. I had none of my family and his family is in AUS.

Just a word of advice: my mother disowned me because she felt she could control my life better than I could. I let her do it till I was 38 and then when I got divorced she decided that I would be better off in a loveless and disrespectful marriage. When I didnt listen to her she stopped talking to me altogether. So my advice dont let your mother control you because it could become harmful down the line in other areas of your life. Only you have the right to live your life and if you make mistakes thats all a part of living.
Oh and good luck on your future marriage :drinker:

seltzermint555

Even if she's paying, it should be, "You have this budget to work with."

I am not a parent so I don't know why I even care...but no!

I guess I have strong feelings about that after seeing some of my friends when I was younger make terrible decisions with their wedding budgets LOL

Were your friends unhappy with their decisions?

OMG yes, and some of them have strained relationships with their parents more than a decade after the fact due to them!
Most often, they would be given the run of our city with their wedding budget and then get hemmed in by some vendor who made them feel their weddings would be disastrous without $4,000 in flowers, or a specific artsy photographer, etc. And then they were left with nothing for other areas of their ceremony and/or reception...or in one case, with their parents taking out a second mortgage to extend the budget and cover it all.

Well, I guess I worded my previous post a bit oddly. What I meant was more along the lines of WITHIN REASON, if one venue is the same proce as another and the couple getting married prefers it, they should be allowed to have the wedding where they choose.

But it sounds like your friends either had unlimited budgets or weren't very smart. I mean, if you're given a specific amount of money and you have to book a venue, flowers, photographer, dress, etc., you still have to work within that budget and decide what matters. If you can only afford the $300 photographer, no one can talk you into the $4,000 photographer. Or flowers. Or whatever. Because you won't be able to pay for it.

Yeah, I think it was a mix of them being very young and immature (most of my friends married in their early to mid 20s) and others being spoiled and not knowing anything about money management or feeling their parents would cover whatever errors they made in planning (often true). I don't mean to sound bitter, though! I was more than happy (and proud) I paid for my own well-managed budget wedding at 25...and later on, elopement to my husband :-)

rml_16

Yeah, I think it was a mix of them being very young and immature (most of my friends married in their early to mid 20s) and others being spoiled and not knowing anything about money management or feeling their parents would cover whatever errors they made in planning (often true). I don't mean to sound bitter, though! I was more than happy (and proud) I paid for my own well-managed budget wedding at 25...and later on, elopement to my husband :-)

I'm trying to figure out my own wedding right now and I want to do it as simply and cheaply as possible, but for the number of people I want to invite (literally just immediate family -- aunts, uncles, first cousins, parents and our kids and a few close friends, it's about 100 people) I need to rent a venue and being in Florida in the summer it has to be indoors somewhere -- at least partially. The cheapest I can find is about $1,600 for the day and I don't even know yet if it's enough space.

Right now, we just can't afford to do anything but elope, but next year we can probably pay on our own. But we've been together a long time and I also don't want to wait another year. lol We're considering eloping this summer with just parents and kids and then a party next year with everyone else.

If I had a bigger house and a yard (townhouse), I'd just hold it at home.

seltzermint555

Yeah, I think it was a mix of them being very young and immature (most of my friends married in their early to mid 20s) and others being spoiled and not knowing anything about money management or feeling their parents would cover whatever errors they made in planning (often true). I don't mean to sound bitter, though! I was more than happy (and proud) I paid for my own well-managed budget wedding at 25...and later on, elopement to my husband :-)

I'm trying to figure out my own wedding right now and I want to do it as simply and cheaply as possible, but for the number of people I want to invite (literally just immediate family -- aunts, uncles, first cousins, parents and our kids and a few close friends, it's about 100 people) I need to rent a venue and being in Florida in the summer it has to be indoors somewhere -- at least partially. The cheapest I can find is about $1,600 for the day and I don't even know yet if it's enough space.

Right now, we just can't afford to do anything but elope, but next year we can probably pay on our own. But we've been together a long time and I also don't want to wait another year. lol We're considering eloping this summer with just parents and kids and then a party next year with everyone else.

If I had a bigger house and a yard (townhouse), I'd just hold it at home.

Good luck with your planning!!

For my first wedding, we wound up limiting it to a very small group (under 20) and did an all-inclusive package at a B&B in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. It was quite lovely to be honest, especially for the price. Everything (including our attire and the package which included cake, flowers, 50 professional photos, officiant, and 2 nights in a nice cottage with hot tub) was well under a grand.

With my current husband, we spent even less and eloped on a hiking trail at Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. BEAUTIFUL setting, even though it snowed that morning. We wore fancy clothes, not hiking attire. We had the absolute BEST time and it was very romantic, we stayed in Colorado for a few days in charming dive motels (actually nice though) and ate wonderful food and saw so much breathtaking scenery it was unreal.

I do completely understand others wanting to have larger weddings but for me the tiny/small route was fabulous!

deksgrl

I need to rent a venue and being in Florida in the summer it has to be indoors somewhere -- at least partially. The cheapest I can find is about $1,600 for the day and I don't even know yet if it's enough space.

Check out Elks Clubs, Moose Clubs, American Legions, VFWs, Community Centers, etc. Some have dining rooms / kitchens that are affordable to rent, and some do their own catering.

rml_16

Yeah, I think it was a mix of them being very young and immature (most of my friends married in their early to mid 20s) and others being spoiled and not knowing anything about money management or feeling their parents would cover whatever errors they made in planning (often true). I don't mean to sound bitter, though! I was more than happy (and proud) I paid for my own well-managed budget wedding at 25...and later on, elopement to my husband :-)

I'm trying to figure out my own wedding right now and I want to do it as simply and cheaply as possible, but for the number of people I want to invite (literally just immediate family -- aunts, uncles, first cousins, parents and our kids and a few close friends, it's about 100 people) I need to rent a venue and being in Florida in the summer it has to be indoors somewhere -- at least partially. The cheapest I can find is about $1,600 for the day and I don't even know yet if it's enough space.

Right now, we just can't afford to do anything but elope, but next year we can probably pay on our own. But we've been together a long time and I also don't want to wait another year. lol We're considering eloping this summer with just parents and kids and then a party next year with everyone else.

If I had a bigger house and a yard (townhouse), I'd just hold it at home.

Good luck with your planning!!

For my first wedding, we wound up limiting it to a very small group (under 20) and did an all-inclusive package at a B&B in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. It was quite lovely to be honest, especially for the price. Everything (including our attire and the package which included cake, flowers, 50 professional photos, officiant, and 2 nights in a nice cottage with hot tub) was well under a grand.

With my current husband, we spent even less and eloped on a hiking trail at Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. BEAUTIFUL setting, even though it snowed that morning. We wore fancy clothes, not hiking attire. We had the absolute BEST time and it was very romantic, we stayed in Colorado for a few days in charming dive motels (actually nice though) and ate wonderful food and saw so much breathtaking scenery it was unreal.

I do completely understand others wanting to have larger weddings but for me the tiny/small route was fabulous!

My last living grandparents (one on each side of my family) died within a month of each other late last year and spending so much time with my family during the funerals was what made me realize I wanted them all there to celebrate. Really, it's more about having a party with all these people I love and miss (we're scattered all over the country these days) than about having a wedding.

I just don't have the space for all of them in my house.

RockWarrior84

tell her to **** off. you are the one getting married no her. Its your wedding and it will be the wedding you want not what she wants.

rml_16

I need to rent a venue and being in Florida in the summer it has to be indoors somewhere -- at least partially. The cheapest I can find is about $1,600 for the day and I don't even know yet if it's enough space.

Check out Elks Clubs, Moose Clubs, American Legions, VFWs, Community Centers, etc. Some have dining rooms / kitchens that are affordable to rent, and some do their own catering.

I may look into those. Our American Legion would no way be big enough, though. I don't know about the others. At this point, I'm really just thinking about things. Either way, if my father won't help pay for anything (and he's being his usual self about it), we'll have to wait until next year.

The place I really want is a horse farm. My daughter used to ride there and they were building the banquet facilities during that time. It's really beautiful and, well, HORSES! lol It really is a reasonable price, just not in my current budget.

deksgrl

I need to rent a venue and being in Florida in the summer it has to be indoors somewhere -- at least partially. The cheapest I can find is about $1,600 for the day and I don't even know yet if it's enough space.

Check out Elks Clubs, Moose Clubs, American Legions, VFWs, Community Centers, etc. Some have dining rooms / kitchens that are affordable to rent, and some do their own catering.

I may look into those. Our American Legion would no way be big enough, though. I don't know about the others. At this point, I'm really just thinking about things. Either way, if my father won't help pay for anything (and he's being his usual self about it), we'll have to wait until next year.

The place I really want is a horse farm. My daughter used to ride there and they were building the banquet facilities during that time. It's really beautiful and, well, HORSES! lol It really is a reasonable price, just not in my current budget.

You might have to look around a bit, it may not be the club nearest you that would have the right facilities. The horse place sounds lovely though.

rml_16

I need to rent a venue and being in Florida in the summer it has to be indoors somewhere -- at least partially. The cheapest I can find is about $1,600 for the day and I don't even know yet if it's enough space.

Check out Elks Clubs, Moose Clubs, American Legions, VFWs, Community Centers, etc. Some have dining rooms / kitchens that are affordable to rent, and some do their own catering.

I may look into those. Our American Legion would no way be big enough, though. I don't know about the others. At this point, I'm really just thinking about things. Either way, if my father won't help pay for anything (and he's being his usual self about it), we'll have to wait until next year.

The place I really want is a horse farm. My daughter used to ride there and they were building the banquet facilities during that time. It's really beautiful and, well, HORSES! lol It really is a reasonable price, just not in my current budget.

You might have to look around a bit, it may not be the club nearest you that would have the right facilities. The horse place sounds lovely though.

Thanks. :-)

I'll figure it out eventually. He's happy with the courthouse thing, but he'll do whatever I want in the end.