Teenager having issues

OnMyWeigh464

I'm not sure where to post this, so if it's in the wrong forum please feel free to move it.

Anyway...I've known my daughter was overweight for quite some time now. She's 15 and she's around 180/190. Her height is about 5 foot 5 I want to say. Anyway, she is in dance (hip hop) for the first time and I noticed she was wearing her hoodie. The room she dances in is a gazillion degrees so I asked her why she didn't take it off. She said "I don't like my body" and I asked her "what do you not like about your body?" and she said "I'm fat"

I've known she has been overweight for over a year now but she if far from fat. And I guess the reason why I haven't dealt with this before is because my sister was anorexic/bulimic when she was a teen and part of me decided to "ignore" (for lack of a better word) what was happening with my daughter because I didn't want to have to go through all that again. It was tough enough going through it with my sister, and I know it would be a million times worse with my own daughter.

I make fairly healthy suppers but with mine and hubby's work schedule being really wonky, there are a lot of fend for yourself nights and I see the choices she makes and they aren't UNhealthy per say, but her portions are bad.

I'm not sure if I need advice or if I just needed to vent......

uconnwinsnc

It is tough to be 15 and overweight. When I was in my early years of high school I was sad when winter ended and I had to stop wearing hoodies. I didn't like wearing a t-shirt because I was fat and my man boobs were awful. It was an absolute confidence killer and I was a social MESS just because of what I looked like. Sure, most people didn't care at all, but the few glances that I got made me almost crumble.

So understand where she is coming from. It is difficult. But she is still young enough by the time she is 16/17/18 she can be in the best shape of her life if she learns proper eating habits and proper exercise. You're her mother, talk to her and help her. Even though she is at the age where she probably acts like she hates you, she loves you just as much as always. Teens are like that, I remember being like that...but I never stopped listening to the advice my parents gave me.

OnMyWeigh464

I know she doesn't hate me. We have LOTS of talks. I don't know where to start. My schedule and hubby's schedule are totally off.
There are lots of fend for yourself nights and I'll come home to TWO packages of kraft dinner made and she will have eaten them both. Yes, I can just not buy kraft dinner. And I guess that's what I'm going to have to start doing. But my fridge is PACKED with fruits and veggies. Washed. Sliced. Preportioned. I just don't know what else to do.

concordancia

Have her preportion the stuff in the fridge instead of doing it for her.

Have her pick a recipe to cook for the family.

These things will teach her about portions and help her take responsibility for her choices. And generally, kids are more likely to eat what they pick out.

Who knows, she may love it and "fend for yourself night" might become "gourmet night."

neandermagnon

Ask her what she wants her body to look like... see what she says. If it's something unrealistic (e.g. airbrushed magazine models) then teach her about photoshop and how much those pictures are altered, and that even the models don't look like their pics. There are way too many extremely beautiful teenage girls who hate their bodies because they don't look like airbrushed magazine model pictures. If this is what's going on with your daughter, you could accidentally reenforce unhealthy expectations if you say "oh yeah, well maybe you should do exercise" rather than addressing whether she has unrealistic ideas of what a woman's body's supposed to look like. (not saying you personally said that, just giving it as a hypothetical example) Even if she's carrying a little bit of excess fat (you say she's far from actually fat, just a little overweight) then this isn't going to make her body ugly. There's no reason for her to hate her body. If she wants to be fitter or leaner, there's stuff she can do to get fitter or leaner, but you need to clearly say that she's already beautiful and that exercise + healthy eating is about being fit, strong and healthy. Try to get her to focus on what she can DO (e.g. succeed at sports, run fast, run a long way, lift weights, etc) not what she looks like.

As for health, address it purely as a health issue. Get her involved in physical activity and keep on feeding her healthy food at home. But I know lots of women (including myself) who were a lot happier for stopping focusing on what they look like and starting to focus on what they can do.... and when you do sport/exercise to achieve personal goals, the looks take care of themselves. If you can get your daughter into this healthy mindset early on, then all the better. Because it rubs off onto other areas of life because confidence is like that.

jennifer_417

It's a tricky subject...but I feel like it'll cause her more pain in the long run if you don't address the issue than if you do. The trick is to say it in such a way that she knows that you are concerned for her, and that you will help her every step along way.

AshleyAlwine32

I have a 14 year old step daughter that is the same way. She is about 5'5" & 155 lbs. She didn't say much about it and never acted different until a person very close to her started telling her that she NEEDS to lose weight. She got really down on herself for a while and it was not fun. Now, she makes comments saying she wants to lose weight because she wants to be skinny.
I feel that this is a distorted idea of why to lose weight, so we have the same conversation quiet frequently.
I tell her: Honey, you do not need to feel bad about your body because you feel that you are not "skinny." You are beautiful no matter how much you weigh, but I understand wanting to lose weight. However, do it because you want to get healthier, not skinnier. & learn to love your body no matter your size, or even when you lose weight you will feel there is something you need to change."
I stress to her that she can make small changes at first, like cutting down on portion sizes and getting a little more active. It's tough, but I think the best thing is to teach them to love their bodies first and offer small changes so they do not feel defeated before they even get started.

cafeaulait7

Does she know you are losing weight? I don't have kids, but I remember very well being that age Talk to her openly about you losing weight and that it can be an OK thing if someone isn't trying to get too thin. Talk about how to do it healthily and slowly. Of course, do emphasize health and fitness. I don't disagree with that at all. But the reality is that a 15-year-old girl cares about what she looks like and that can be OK. Losing weight for health, fitness and looking better are a common and fine combo, imho.

I'm sure her friends have insane diet theories and ideas of how thin to be and all that awfulness that comes with being a girl that age. Most of it is awful because of ignorance, imho. So adults should just be open about what the real deal is, I think. If she wants to, say, get to the top weight of the suggested BMI for her, I'd think that was fine, personally. Then I'd try to make sure she's doing it the sane way, not the 15-yr-old girl way! Be open, imho. She's already said she hates her body and you noticed she's overweight. So let her know that she can fix that, and that it's all fine. Nothing to obsess over, but perfectly natural and healthy

I wouldn't use the word 'diet' but you know the drill as a parent, I'm sure. Still, there's no reason a girl can't make a 'healthy lifestyle change' if she's overweight. Don't be afraid to just talk about that and see her thoughts (mostly her thoughts, of course). Just mho

CrusaderSam

She's 15 and she's around 180/190. Her height is about 5 foot 5 I want to say. She said "I don't like my body" and I asked her "what do you not like about your body?" and she said "I'm fat"

I've known she has been overweight for over a year now but she if far from fat. And I guess the reason why I haven't dealt with this before is because my sister was anorexic/bulimic when she was a teen and part of me decided to "ignore" (for lack of a better word) what was happening with my daughter because I didn't want to have to go through all that again. It was tough enough going through it with my sister, and I know it would be a million times worse with my own daughter.


I'm not sure if I need advice or if I just needed to vent......

I think I know what the problem is here. So let me give you some real stats, her BMI is 31, that is obese. Most people would call that fat. Be honest to yourself. You know what she has to do to lose weight, be upfront about it with her. Let her chose her own path.

oxsarahhxo

when you can't make her dinner for her, why not leave her a recipe to make. you say your food is pre portioned in the fridge. leave her a note on the fridge of what to make and what she needs. this way she learns to cook and learns how much she needs and the food she is eating will be healthy. i know what its like to be a fat teen and its absolutely hell. hope you can get this sorted soon.

nikibean123

If the 'fend for yourself' nights could be the problem, could you pre-make meals and freeze them for her? Maybe saying the family as a whole should be HEALTHIER (not skinnier) and changing some habits generally might help to not single her out. Buy skimmed milk, lower fat spread, seedy bread instead of white etc.

My sister was pretty overweight at that age - being really strict about it or pointing it out won't help, but having healthier choices in the house in general (pre-portioned if possible) should give a nudge in the right direction

LissaK1981

Invite her here and teach her. Let her learn how to take care of herself if she is fending for herself. Just point her in the right directions and educate. PE doesnt really do that.

meshashesha2012

as much as it has its failings, i really like how last season's biggest loser dealt with childhood obesity.

the main things was that they focused on reteaching the kids healthy eating and getting active rather than anything like weigh-ins and focusing on weight loss. the weight loss comes when they learn to not overeat and get more active. that's great that she loves dancing, maybe help her work on her nutrition.

but really i think getting her on the "diet" road would be a bad idea. help her learn healthy habits that will last a lifetime rather than finding her a short term solution diet

Eleonora91

It's very hard for kids and young people in general. I was just like her growing up. The problem is that, if you're lucky enough to have a supporting family, the rest of the world won't be. They make fun of you and it's generally hard to find your own personality and path if you're dealing with self image issue.
When I was a little girl I was often blamed by my mother because I was fat, even though I was fat because of them also. She would take me to shops to buy some clothes when it was clear that I wouldn't fit in fitted girl's clothing because I was still a chubby kid. She would always point out that I should have eaten less and stuff like that. You have to be rather subdle if you want to really help your daughter. I mean, you don't have to tell her that she needs to lose weight, or that she could be eating more veggies and so on. She probably already knows these things by herself if she refers to herself as fat and tries to hide. I think the best approach would be trying to reassure her that's she's not ugly, that she doesn't have to hide, that she needs to feel comfortable in her own skin no matter what. But you might suggest her that if it's a burden to her or if she's concerned about having gained a bit of weight, she might always make up for it. It doesn't take much at such an early age, avoid some junk food, be more active, and it's done. Put it in very simple terms. Don't make her feel like she HAS to lose weight, just make her understand that if she really wants and needs, she can do it. Try to make it looks like it's just healthier, and it doesn't make any harm to embrace some healthier eating habits. Just don't make a big fuss about it. If she feels low because of it, it's going to be clear. If she tries to hide even more it will become visible. Be there for her emotional needs before anything else, because it's not being fat that destroys you, it's the way you feel about it.

Kayzoola

My DD is about the same age, and was able to take a foods and nutrition class at her school. Suddenly, she is spouting food facts I have been trying to teach her for years, and making better choices for herself. Hearing it from someone else, not mom, made all the difference.

jennalink807

I am a youth pastor who spends a lot of time around teenagers. Although I do not have children of my own, I have talked to make a young girl with body-image problems. Some of them were actually overweight- like your daughter. When a young person is at an unhealthy weight, it does no good to lie to them. Is she beautiful just the way she is- Yes. Absolutely. It's important she knows that weight has nothing to do with beauty. Is she healthy at the weight she is at? No. Don't tell her she's fine the way she is. Tell her she is beautiful, and she should never feel anything but beautiful; but that her current weight isn't the best for her health.

When you're talking to teenagers, it's important that you frame weight loss discussions the right way. Weight loss isn't about looking better, it's about becoming healthier and being more active. If she is 5'5'', then getting down to 145 would put her in a healthy BMI range. Print off a BMI chart and show it to her, don't hide the fact that she would be healthier at a lower weight. But make sure she knows that you are also trying to make healthy changes for yourself and get into a healthy weight range. Let her know that almost 70% of the country is overweight or obese, and it's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It's not a defect, there's nothing wrong with her, and she isn't helpless. There are plenty of things she can do to get herself down to a healthy weight. It will just take time, determination, and patience.

Don't emphasize eating less, emphasize eating right and moving more. Don't try to cut out her favorite treats, just make sure she knows a treat isn't the first thing you grab for when you're hungry, it's something to be had sparingly. Have her help you make healthy foods and prep veggies and fruits for regular snacks. Teach her about nutrition and don't let her obsess over the scale, but let her weigh herself every couple of weeks to see physical evidence of the difference a healthy lifestyle makes.

You can do this- you are doing this, and she'll be able to do it to.

fairygirlpie9

My Auntie was like this she didn't want to talk to my cousins about their weight because she didn't want them to get ED's. Guess what? It happened any way. One of them became anorexic and started to self harm. The other one became obese and year on year she gets bigger and bigger. No one in our family says anything despite the fact that we are 100 strong.
On the other hand my mother taunted me about my weight loss for years and what started out as a bit of chub became obesity because of how she made me feel about myself.

At least your daughter is aware of her weight issues. The reality is that unless some action is taken it isn't going to go away. It's great that she's taking action by exercising. I'm guessing that since you are on here perhaps you also have your own issues with weight so perhaps its something you can both focus on together and see it as a bonding experience. Being a teenager is so hard so if you have a common goal it would make it a lot easier for you both. I understand its quite scary but she needs positive role models in her life - if she sees that you are working hard to improve your health and figure then it might encourage her too. You could give her a hand with portion control if you tend to do the cooking in the house and you could go for walks together or exercise classes at weekends/evenings if you have the time. Hopefully you will make the time.
x

dmenchac

I'm not sure where to post this, so if it's in the wrong forum please feel free to move it.

Anyway...I've known my daughter was overweight for quite some time now. She's 15 and she's around 180/190. Her height is about 5 foot 5 I want to say. Anyway, she is in dance (hip hop) for the first time and I noticed she was wearing her hoodie. The room she dances in is a gazillion degrees so I asked her why she didn't take it off. She said "I don't like my body" and I asked her "what do you not like about your body?" and she said "I'm fat"

I've known she has been overweight for over a year now but she if far from fat. And I guess the reason why I haven't dealt with this before is because my sister was anorexic/bulimic when she was a teen and part of me decided to "ignore" (for lack of a better word) what was happening with my daughter because I didn't want to have to go through all that again. It was tough enough going through it with my sister, and I know it would be a million times worse with my own daughter.

I make fairly healthy suppers but with mine and hubby's work schedule being really wonky, there are a lot of fend for yourself nights and I see the choices she makes and they aren't UNhealthy per say, but her portions are bad.

I'm not sure if I need advice or if I just needed to vent......

Far from fat? therein lies the problem. 5ft 5 and 180-190 IS FAT. And guess what? It is okay to be fat, but its better to be healthy. She needs your help, but the first step is for you to acknowledge that there is a problem with her weight. 15 is a difficult age for females (males too) so she needs your help. Have a talk with her and be very supportive.

PRMinx

She's 15 and she's around 180/190. Her height is about 5 foot 5 I want to say. She said "I don't like my body" and I asked her "what do you not like about your body?" and she said "I'm fat"

I've known she has been overweight for over a year now but she if far from fat. And I guess the reason why I haven't dealt with this before is because my sister was anorexic/bulimic when she was a teen and part of me decided to "ignore" (for lack of a better word) what was happening with my daughter because I didn't want to have to go through all that again. It was tough enough going through it with my sister, and I know it would be a million times worse with my own daughter.


I'm not sure if I need advice or if I just needed to vent......

I think I know what the problem is here. So let me give you some real stats, her BMI is 31, that is obese. Most people would call that fat. Be honest to yourself. You know what she has to do to lose weight, be upfront about it with her. Let her chose her own path.

This is a very tricky issue that's going to take some finesse but, as this poster says, it has to start with you being realistic about the problem. At 5'5 and 180/190 she is not far from fat...she is obese. And I really hate to say this because the words themselves can be hurtful, but...it's true.

So, how do you move forward without making her feel bad about herself? I realize you are busy, but you are going to have to take time to prepare healthy meals and limit the snacks. Maybe you can use a weekend to cook together and then portion out individual servings and freeze them? Then she will learn about cooking AND have better portions to choose.

QueenofGuac

Hmmm. I remember this happening to me growing up.

My mom kept me on diets my whole life and told me how pretty I would be if I lost some weigh. That was very hard.

There are so many ways to handle this, because she is so young and still totally rocked by peer pressure, I would constantly affirm how wonderful she is as a person, both inside and out, but that losing weight is a health issue.

Work with her and let her start to do some research about how much weight she would like to lose and what different programs are out there. I've been over weight my whole life, but a book called The Metabolism Miracle has really helped me.

Then let her make a list and bring it to the grocery store to shop for foods. Make sure she is picking out good foods to eat, and good foods to snack on. Let her be more invested in her diet with your watchful eye and then she might have more investment in its success.

hedgiie

i'm a parent too with two boys ages 12 and 22. i notice that being a role model to them is a good first step. along the way it will be easier to talk to them regarding portions, food choices and habits.

have fun

LishieFruit89

Invite her here and teach her. Let her learn how to take care of herself if she is fending for herself. Just point her in the right directions and educate. PE doesnt really do that.

Wrong.
This is a site for 18+.
sparkteens.com and a conversation wit her doctor.

I was an overweight kid - every physical I went to my doctor told me to lose weight.
And having my mother poke at my weight when she herself was (and still is) overweight was not pleasant.
Eventually I developed an eating disorder essentially (never diagnosed but diet pills and starvation and etc).
And just now I'm finally fixing my relationship with food.

This is a situation that has to be handled carefully because she's only 15.

Josalinn

I guess I would look at it the same way I look at my own attempts to eat better. I don't buy junk. I make large quantities of food on the weekends, pre-portion it and stick it in the freezer. I usually have 3 choices. Also Ziploc has divided rectangle containers that make frozen meals super easy. For me, veggies in the largest portion, meat in the middle sized portion, and a carb like rice or pasta in the smallest. I can put masking tape on the cover and write when I froze it, what it is and how many calories (though you may want to leave that out).

There are also teen oriented sites similar to MPF. You may want to look into some of them.

ETA: See poster above for the site =P

deksgrl

Okay, so she is unhappy with her weight, and that is understandable. Does she want to do the work to change that? Does she think it is impossible, or she just does not know how? First, I would ask her if she wants to lose weight, and work to set a reasonable goal for her (not 100 pounds because her 4'11" friend is). Then a visit to the doctor to rule out any health problems. She needs to have a calorie and nutrition goal for her age.

krist3ng

I know she doesn't hate me. We have LOTS of talks. I don't know where to start. My schedule and hubby's schedule are totally off.
There are lots of fend for yourself nights and I'll come home to TWO packages of kraft dinner made and she will have eaten them both. Yes, I can just not buy kraft dinner. And I guess that's what I'm going to have to start doing. But my fridge is PACKED with fruits and veggies. Washed. Sliced. Preportioned. I just don't know what else to do.

Maybe teach her a few recipes, make cooking a bonding experience... that way she's equipped with the tools to cook healthy food. Also, cooking is fun

Don't buy boxes of mac n cheese, or packages of ramen.

If you don't think your daughter will want to embrace her culinary side, maybe make extra food on nights you DO cook, so she can have leftovers.

Finally, and I'm sure you don't do this, but make sure to emphasize healthy eating (vitamins and nutrients, etc) versus weight loss when you're talking to your daughter about any food changes. That way you won't make her feel self-conscious.

I remember when I was that age, I had no idea how to get healthy. I was eating horribly, and eating constantly. I didn't know what calories meant, what protein was... I would have loved some guidance on nutrition and stuff as a kid!

DeliriumCanBeFun

I would say most people who are obese pretty much already have an eating disorder. Binge eating is definitely an eating disorder; it's not just anorexia and bulimia that are ED's. Your child has grown up in a house that really does not eat healthy (I can tell this by the amount of weight you need to lose), and that way of life has been ingrained in her. It is very difficult to overcome that and make real changes in your life even as an adult. I really don't mean to sound harsh, but you did not set a good example for her. Now she really needs your support to improve her life. Stop being selfish and worrying what YOU will go through. This is about your daughter, and you need to be there for her whatever it takes.

xscat

I would say be honest with her. I would tell her I love her no matter what; and how I felt guilty for not being there teaching her about healthy eating; how it is tough for a teenage girl to not have the perfect skinny look. And I would open up to her about my fear and concerns.

15-yr-old was not that long ago for me. And teenagers are actually more understanding and mature than adults give them credit for... My mom was always honest with me. She never talked down to me like I was a little child. I really appreciate that. Bottom line, you do love her, and as long as she understands that, things can be worked out....

rachrach7595

I know she doesn't hate me. We have LOTS of talks. I don't know where to start. My schedule and hubby's schedule are totally off.
There are lots of fend for yourself nights and I'll come home to TWO packages of kraft dinner made and she will have eaten them both. Yes, I can just not buy kraft dinner. And I guess that's what I'm going to have to start doing. But my fridge is PACKED with fruits and veggies. Washed. Sliced. Preportioned. I just don't know what else to do.

Make healthy dinners for everyone, put it on a plate, cling film.
Ready to go into the microwave... presto.

Make a big batch of something easy that can go into the freezer into portions that are reheatable.

Find easy and quick recipes she can cook herself? Spend time making a few with her so she gets the jist of healthy cooking and making better decisions about food.

rachrach7595

I would say most people who are obese pretty much already have an eating disorder. Binge eating is definitely an eating disorder; it's not just anorexia and bulimia that are ED's. Your child has grown up in a house that really does not eat healthy (I can tell this by the amount of weight you need to lose), and that way of life has been ingrained in her. It is very difficult to overcome that and make real changes in your life even as an adult. I really don't mean to sound harsh, but you did not set a good example for her. Now she really needs your support to improve her life. Stop being selfish and worrying what YOU will go through. This is about your daughter, and you need to be there for her whatever it takes.

Well isn't that idealistic.
The woman obviously needs to go to work.
I don't think berating her about her parenting skills and the choices that she makes for her ENTIRE family is really the sort of advice she needs or wants.

dakotababy

I was an overweight teenager. My proportions were insane! What would have made all the difference - learning about what a calorie is, what a normal meal looks like, and finding an exercise that I loved. Maybe get her Turbo Jam or Hip Hop Abs or Zumba? Then she can work out without having to worry about how her body looks.

uconnwinsnc

She's 15 and she's around 180/190. Her height is about 5 foot 5 I want to say. She said "I don't like my body" and I asked her "what do you not like about your body?" and she said "I'm fat"

I've known she has been overweight for over a year now but she if far from fat. And I guess the reason why I haven't dealt with this before is because my sister was anorexic/bulimic when she was a teen and part of me decided to "ignore" (for lack of a better word) what was happening with my daughter because I didn't want to have to go through all that again. It was tough enough going through it with my sister, and I know it would be a million times worse with my own daughter.


I'm not sure if I need advice or if I just needed to vent......

I think I know what the problem is here. So let me give you some real stats, her BMI is 31, that is obese. Most people would call that fat. Be honest to yourself. You know what she has to do to lose weight, be upfront about it with her. Let her chose her own path.

Telling a 15 year old girl straight up that she is "fat", then giving her a list of things to do to lose it, then saying that it is her own path, is going to snowball into a disaster..