how to motivate my spouse

xochristianna

My husband and I are newlyweds - we have only been married for about 5 months! We have both gained some weight since the wedding, and I am trying to set a good example. I joined a gym, work out consistently, and do all the grocery shopping and cooking so that we can have a healthful meal at least 5 nights a week.

We both work the same amount of hours a week, and get home around the same time, so I have been encouraging him to join my gym with me. He usually claims that he's too tired or just wants to relax instead of going to the gym.

I want us both to be healthy so that we can have a long and happy life together - I also think that working out together would strengthen our marriage! How can I convince him that this is something we should do together?

aj7x

What I have learned from my experience is that you just can't change people. It's sad and hard but if they are going to change, they will really have to want it themselves. You can't want it for them. My family is all over weight and I have tried so many times to get them on board but they just won't. I've cooked healthy meals and suggested walks/exercise. Nothing works. It's tough emotionally but in the end, you just gotta do you.

Who knows, after he sees some of your results maybe he'll be inspired to do it himself.

train_01

Unfortunately, you can't "convince" him until he's ready to hear it. The only thing you can do is set a good example for him and provide him with healthy meals (if you do the cooking). Maybe once he sees you getting healthier, he will want to as well. Also, you trying to convince him to join a gym may make him feel like he's not good enough the way he is. Just a theory...(I have a degree in psychology ) Or, it could be he just doesn't want to or doesn't like to. Maybe suggest other activities you can do together that you both like (riding bikes, roller blading, playing tennis, or something like that). Good luck P.S. I'm a newlywed too! :happy:

Keep_The_Laughter

OP, he will join a regular program when he is ready, just continue to lead by example. He'll start working out when he sees the time as "right", trying to force anything is a direct path to resentment and insecurity. Instead of bringing up the gym, if he's not showing interest, plan some active dates. Hiking, swimming or surfing at the beach, ice skating, taking pictures in a state park, renting a row boat for fishing and so on are all a means to and end. You can get some exercise, fun and couple time without stepping foot in a gym, or setting yourself up for frustration.

liz_walkerrr

Is he maybe embarrassed that he has put on weight? A gym only magnifies how out of shape someone is. My husband and I went through this same thing. Could you maybe try a home workout series for awhile and then progress into joining a gym together? Just suggestions!

Whyareyoumad

I am in the same boat, I think my wife resents me at times because of the progress I have made. I want her to be proud of me and I want her to be attracted to me, I think she is but I also know I cant motivate her. She has to do it for herself and make that decision that we all have to make before we become dedicated enough to make the change. The same could relate to your husband. Do your thing, eat healthy, and set the example. Eventually he will catch on.

ElyseL1

good luck! i've been trying since we got married a year and a half ago. He has lost 60 lbs by watching what he eats but he wont work out. I can run laps around him and I hate it. I even went so far as to buy the biggest loser game for wii so we could do it together didnt work, and ended up being a waste of money. I do kettlebells but im gonna do the game anyway since i paid for it.

Asheea

I was just reading an article on this yesterday. "Your Husband's Health & Your Influence" http://www.thebettermom.com/2014/02/12/husbands-health-influence/

Sadly, you can't force him to eat healthy or exercise. He has to make that decision himself. I know, I've been there. Was in deep depression for 9 years. Was up to 230 lbs and my excuse was I didn't have the energy to exercise.
Finally, DH and I got on a diet and exercise program and within 6 months of daily exercising and walking my depression is gone and so is 72 lbs!
I wish both of y'all the best and may God show him how much his health means to you and him.

MelRC117

If he picked up a hobby, would you want him to force it on you if you didn't want to do it? Probably not.

If he didn't like going to the gym before getting married...probably not going to be able to force it on it after. Either he will get the motivation for himself or he won't. I certainly wouldn't want to if my husband was harping on me to do it.

FindingAmy77

I don't think you can force anyone to do what they don't want to. Maybe instead of the gym together, you can start with babysteps like asking him to go for a walk with you here and there. That is what I do with my husband.

ElyseL1

If he picked up a hobby, would you want him to force it on you if you didn't want to do it? Probably not.

If he didn't like going to the gym before getting married...probably not going to be able to force it on it after. Either he will get the motivation for himself or he won't. I certainly wouldn't want to if my husband was harping on me to do it.

Its not harping though, and even if it is it comes from a place of true concern and love. I dont see the point of getting married and planning a life together if you dont want to be the healthiest versions of yourself for each other. I do this for my husband and my unborn children because I grew up with an active father and loved it (and I saw what happened when i got older and he stopped being active. And personally i gained a good 50 lbs when my grandmother died) and my husband didnt and has adopted his parents habits.

Edited to add, I do pick up my husbands hobbys when he wants me too so we can spend time together. (shooting at the range)

Jezebel9

I am of the opinion that you can't change people. I don't know how other people feel about their vows to their spouse, but for me I feel it is unfair to my spouse to give him some different less-than-ideal version of me after the wedding. It isn't what he married into. That is not to say that something bad couldn't happen to me and leave me in a version of health that neither of us wanted... but if I CAN do something to be the best wife/mother/friend I can be, I will. It is not fair for me to become this lob that doesn't do anything interactive with my spouse/child. When I am in better health, I am better for myself and everyone else. The best is to just sit down and talk about it and see if you two can make a compromise- maybe play basketball or do something he could get excited about doing. Rock climbing? The problem with sitting on the sofa after work is that sometimes people get stuck there- for years...

wolverine66

all i heard was "nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag"




just kidding -

Like others, the decision to do something has to come from him. You can ask him, but the more you ask him, the more he will probably resist.

It took me starting to have health issues related to weight that got me going.

bwogilvie

Carolyn Hax, a very wise advice columnist (far more thoughtful than the norm), says that you can't control other people. You can only control how you interact with them. If your husband wants motivation, you can provide encouragement, but if he doesn't want to be motivated, you can't make him.

Cranquistador

leave him alone and let him do what he wants

he is actually more likely to wind up going if you do not pressure him:flowerforyou:

BusyRaeNOTBusty

Every time you go, ask him if he wants to come with you. When he says "no", say "okay, see you later, love you, bye".

deksgrl

He has to get to the point where he wants to do it. Keep up the good example and be there for him if and when he wants to join you.

SonicDeathMonkey80

You don't. I've been in this boat before, both on the giving and receiving end. You can be passive aggressive and make digs, you can be an assertive nag, or you can just keep livin'.

Eventually, one of three things will happen: you'll quit, he'll change, or neither will budge and one of y'all will eventually ditch the other. Oh, option number 4 is here: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1200717-spouse-resistance-to-you-working-out

MagnumBurrito

Buy a hard copy of Arnold Schwarzeneggers: The Education of a Body Builder. It's a great book on determination, work ethic, and mindset by one of the greatest fitness men of our time. Also, it'll tell you how to train from bodywork to weights. But that's just the side benefits.

Make no mention of it to your husband. Read it when he's around. If he asks about it, say one of your MFP buddies recommended it. Nonchalantly, tell him its interesting, and that is it..

Don't tell him to read it.

Leave it around the house for him to read if he gets curious. If not, oh well. You get to read a great biography and learn some ways to train you may currently not be doing.


Leading Muscle

SuperstarDJ

Tell him how many hot, fit guys there are down the gym and I guarantee he'll have joined up before you finish the sentence

_Terrapin_

leave him alone and let him do what he wants

he is actually more likely to wind up going if you do not pressure him:flowerforyou:

worked for me; wife left me alone, she runs all the time, we run once a week now. I still lift at the gym, but we both formed running groups locally, gender specific. We also have about a 1/4 of the neighborhood running. Best to lead by example and see what happens. Good luck.

rmdaly

My husband and I are newlyweds - we have only been married for about 5 months! We have both gained some weight since the wedding, and I am trying to set a good example. I ... do all the grocery shopping and cooking so that we can have a healthful meal at least 5 nights a week.

We both work the same amount of hours a week, and get home around the same time ...

If you are working the same amount, why are you doing all the grocery shopping and cooking?

Maybe you can have a discussion about cooking/shopping together to discover healthy foods together.

Dnarules

Maybe he isn't really into the gym right now. Have you tried suggesting an activity you can do together, like hiking or biking. My husband and I enjoyed doing the C25K together. We also like to hike when it is warmer.

wendyg311

I'm actually on the other end of your scenario. I am the one who should be getting my butt in gear, but have only managed to do it all in my head, no action below the neck.
We have only been married 2 years and I've gained 60lbs!!!!! since we got married. I know we were having such a good time eating and visiting wineries and happily goofing around, but when it all settled down ..........I looked at myself and holy cow, what happened?

My husband is diabetic and does a good job keeping his weight in check. He tries to motivate me, (in a very loving , non nagging way), cooks healthy dinners, goes to the gym, wants to go for walks. I do enjoy going on scenic hikes, maybe you guys could do that? He even tells me he would do whatever I needed to get healthier, and I just don't know why I don't do it. I'm going to be 50 next year so it is imperative I get my butt moving, but night after night I sit. Just don't wanna.....

I know it has to come from within. I need to do it for my health and for my son and husband. I know what it feels like to be healthy........

I agree with the people who say you need to do this for you, while including him in the healthy meals. One day he just might join you..........

tropicaltiger

my husband both workout-so that something he enjoys and I enjoy-but most of the time we don't go together-maybe he just isn't into the gym right now-so find other things to do together-go for a bike ride-maybe workout at home-the only prson you can change is yourself-I know you said you think it will make you relationship stronger-but he has to want it-my husband worked out for over 20 years for me its been 5 years since I took my weight off-and at first we went together now sometimes we do sometime we don't-maybe invite him -also as others said cook healthy meals if your concerned about health-maybe he feels funy if he put on weight to walk in the gym-remember my friend-don't do this for your husband do this for yourself-when I go to the gym the only person I go for is myself-your husband may come around

christianteach

My husband is obese. I have tried numerous times to get him to workout with me but he's not interested. I have asked him several times to at least try a weight lifting program but he just isn't interested. He does cook healthy most of the time and will occasionally ride his stationary bike but that's about it. We have been together 20 years and I learned a long time ago I can't force him to do anything. I have to admit it bothers me though when we do things like go hiking and he can't keep up with me.

Kita328

I have mentioned to my boyfriend that we could work out together and sometimes (rarely) we do. When we do- we have a good time together and we have fun. He is unhappy at his weight and admits he isnt ready to be a consistent gym goer like me. Does this make me sad- meh- a little I guess. I would never want to make him feel bad about himself- I know he will come around- and I dont want him to feel obligated to do something unless its a major health issue.

I know he has got more motivated since I have lost some weight and become more fit. Its made him say things like he needs to get his mind right- and he is always supportive of me going to the gym even if it cuts into some time with each other...

Good luck with your own health and fitness journey

cebreisch

This is one of those things where you have to "lead by example." Don't push it on him or "drop hints" or anything like that.

My husband could have stood to lose some weight when I started my journey. It took about 6 months-ish for him to "get on board" and start on MFP, and figure out what to do for fitness.

Give him time. If he joins you, great. If he doesn't, love him anyway.

MostlyWater

You can't be the food police or the exercise police. He has to want to take care of himself.

(I'm a newlywed too. We're married 27 years.)

cwolfman13

All you can do is be an example. Also, you could still encourage him to join you at the gym...but maybe also encourage him to do other things that are otherwise active. I personally wouldn't set foot in a gym if it weren't for the weight room.

My wife was reluctant for a long time to take up her fitness again (she used to be quite the little athlete)...she was eating a lot better largely because I'm the primary cook in my home and I started cooking a lot better and really just kept our portions in check...but she was pretty reluctant to go workout.

I started really hitting my fitness in November of 2012 with mostly running and riding my bike and walking, etc...in January of 2013 I joined the gym to start lifting...my wife came with me all of 2 or 3 times early on. As I continued to progress in my fitness and my weight-loss and started entering races and other events I think that's when it finally clicked for her that she needed to get on board with this stuff too...she could see that I was in this for the long haul and these things were becoming an intricate part of my life.

She finally started getting back into things in June of 2013...almost 7 months after I started...and she's been going strong ever since. We don't really do the same stuff and we alternate days at the gym due to needing someone to watch the kids...she does New Rules and I do a slightly altered version of 5/3/1 in the weight room...she runs and is training for a 1/2 marathon and I primarily ride my bike and am training for a 1/2 century and a metric century. We will both probably do a couple of mud runs in the summer just for ****s and giggles.

alfiedn

I talk to my husband about what I'm doing and why. He sometimes works out on the weekends especially when I'm trying hard. We do like to go on hikes together when the weather is nice. It takes time. 5 months is a drop in the bucket when you're talking about 50 years of marriage! Let him take his time and just be there for him when he's ready.