Huge Emotional Setback

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deebee227
deebee227 Posts: 14
in Getting Started
My marriage is ending. I found out my spouse wasn't faithful and to stick the knife in a little further, he doesn't 'like me as a persons' so he felt driven to look outside the relationship. I just feel like retreating to my bedroom with a million bags of cookies :( I need to find the motivation to take my life back and regain some self esteem!
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  • IIIIISerenityNowIIIII
    IIIIISerenityNowIIIII Posts: 425 Member
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    Ask him if he will go to marriage counseling with you. Even if he refuses, you can go yourself. Buy The Love Dare book and try to save your marriage.
  • princesslucylou86
    princesslucylou86 Posts: 35
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    So sorry to read this, im awful at comfort eating. Dont let him grind you down huni, i know its easier said than done but your obv better off without a horrible man like that. Hope you find the strength to do this. My mother in-law went through a similar thing and though its hard to start with it does get easier. x
  • 1234terri
    1234terri Posts: 217 Member
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    Oh dear. Find a GOOD therapist, fast. Redo your hairstyle, get new clothes and go out with the girls. Hubby will realize what he lost. Hugs to you--this can be very hard but build a bunch of solid supports around you so you have a way through the hard moments.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
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    Whether or not you still want to try with your husband, start looking or a good divorce attorney...just in case. Doesn't hurt to be prepared.
  • rachrach7595
    rachrach7595 Posts: 151 Member
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    I would seek out counselling. Decide yourself whether or not you are going to make attempts to save the marriage or if you are going to let it go, you don't want to be wondering 'what if' down the track at any time.

    A very similar thing happened to me. I had been very clear cheating was never an option from the start.
    Funny thing is now I would of forgiven him the cheating but it was the constant lying for quite a number of months (to my face) I could never of gotten over.

    I wish you all the best.
    Be good to yourself!
    Remember HE might not like you as a person, but someone out there will love you to bits.
  • AmyZ46
    AmyZ46 Posts: 694 Member
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    I'm so sorry this is happening to you .

    My ex said I was fat and he didn't ever love me and only married me because after living together for three years I got pregnant ... nice.

    two years later I met my Current Husband and oh my, what a difference a respectful man makes . I never knew Marriage was like this ... It's better than I ever knew and After the hurt I had suffered I never thought I would be able to trust someone with my heart again but here I am ...


    look for good afirmations every day they are there and they will get you through this no matter what happens .

    good luck and love yourself .
  • GertrudeHorse
    GertrudeHorse Posts: 646 Member
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    Ask him if he will go to marriage counseling with you. Even if he refuses, you can go yourself. Buy The Love Dare book and try to save your marriage.

    With all respect it's not generally possible to save a marriage with someone who "doesn't like you as a person". That said, I agree the OP should seek counselling.

    It could also be motivating to try new activities, put yourself out of your comfort zone and meet new people, spend time with friends and family, practice self care and be as awesome as you can be. Good luck! Motivation is hard when you are going through something like this, so appreciate the little things you can do as well.

    ETA: AmyZ46, your comment took me from furious rage to a big grin. Glad to hear you found someone so awesome.
  • craftywitch_63
    craftywitch_63 Posts: 829 Member
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    I agree with everyone telling you to seek counseling. Your self-esteem has taken a hit by a huge d****e bag and that stings a bit. Just remember, HE'S the one who cheated and, unless you are a closet serial killer, YOU get the gold star for being a good person, not him.

    When you feel the urge to dive into a vat of Hagen-Daas just remember this: If you do that, you gain weight, he gets to convince himself that he was right about you and HE WINS!!!

    There's someone better out there for you but you won't find him in a 30 gallon garbage bag full of cookies.

    :flowerforyou:
  • deebee227
    deebee227 Posts: 14
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    It was completely out of left field too...I just feel worthless, being at the weight I am now (240) makes me feel unable to cope because I can't stand to even look at myself, it's hard but such good advice.....Amy- your story ww touching, what a happy ending,
  • David_AUS
    David_AUS Posts: 298 Member
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    By all means wallow in a little self pitty you need to work through the grief process just like anyone - It is hard to see this now but since this was from left of field I suspect that he has some serious self confidence problems and he was not a very good communicator. He may learn his lessons but he is set to keep repeating the same pattern till he does, he has yet to learn that he is the only one that can fill the hole in his life - no one and nothing can do this for him. Enough about him now about you! Look back on your inspiration list - it is there for a reason because with the right motivation you have already have achieved your goal it is just a matter of adding time. I am not big on indulging the ego but occasionally a little revenge is always sweet - lets add that to the inspiration list (even if it is secretly) - lose the weight firstly for you and your 2 children (but show your ex what he has lost), keep reminding yourself and seeing yourself doing the things you want to do with a leaner, "meaner" - I will substitute with "stronger", healthier you. Playing sport with your kids or bungee jumping, sky diving, just running around with them at Disneyland - what is it that you really want to do? Make no other way of life even an option in your mind.
  • sami_83
    sami_83 Posts: 161
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    I know it's hard to see through the pain at the moment but just keep on keeping on. Put yourself first and do what you need to do to get through this tough time.
    Try to remember that you should NOT feel worthless. He is being a real turd and that is nothing to do with you being a 'bad person' or whatever. You truly deserve better, and you will be better off without him. Nobody deserves that kind of disrespect. He put your physical health in danger and he hurt you emotionally. That is not acceptable.

    Seek the comfort of friends and family, good books, movies, music, art, nature, pets, whatever you find peace in. These things will see you through. Heartbreak is truly a hard thing to get past but so many of us have dealt with it and come out all the better for it. Like AmyZ46 I too have found an awesome guy after being with someone who was a real scumbag. It really is amazing how different some people can be.
    Having said that though, I would be happily single if I hadn't met the current bloke. Anything is better than being with someone who sucks.

    Let him have his scummy life and move on with yours. Chase your dreams, live the way you want to live, do things that you love to do. Embrace it. You deserve happiness :flowerforyou:
  • alexveksler
    alexveksler Posts: 409 Member
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    Ask him if he will go to marriage counseling with you. Even if he refuses, you can go yourself. Buy The Love Dare book and try to save your marriage.

    Screw him. She deserves better. AND it will make her stronger than ever. Trying to make it work with a scum who had sex outside of marriage will never work, especially what he told her. He's done it once, he will do it again.

    Read AmyZ46's comment. That's the attitude, I love it.
  • Indiri13
    Indiri13 Posts: 104 Member
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    Definitely go to counseling for you, it will help you get through this. The counselor will undoubtedly assign you "homework" of things he/she wants you to think about between visits and going for long walks is a really good time to think about it and coincidentally also a good exercise time for you. Right now the cookies/ice cream are comforting but they often make us feel bad later. If you can start using exercise time as "you time" then you will start to find comfort in that instead.

    I know it feels like it right now but divorce is not the end of the world and things will get better. *hugs*
  • mpholcomb85
    mpholcomb85 Posts: 1
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    Start working on loving yourself more. This has been a huge hurdle for me. Acknowledge what you love about yourself and start working on your flaws one by one. Do what you want changed. Not what others think you should change. Be better for yourself. Some people are never pleased. Your husband may be one of those types. Dont settle for someone who isnt truly inlove and faithful to you. I am also guilty of emotional eating. I have started exercising when I feel it coming on. Take your anger towards him and start boxing,running, kicking your weights *kitten* and proving to yourself that you are stronger than the situation.
  • smelius22
    smelius22 Posts: 334 Member
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    Oh no I'm sorry :(

    Even if you don't stay and work it out, definitely find a good therapist. I went through this with my guy but decided to stick it out. He said he didn't love me any more and wanted someone else.

    We went to couples therapy and it helped tremendously.

    But find out what you really really want and be truthful with yourself. Whatever you decide, I hope everything works out for you.

    Best of luck.
  • cicisiam
    cicisiam Posts: 491 Member
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    Taking care of yourself is the best revenge there is to someone who has hurt you. Make a happy life for yourself, forgive and move on.
  • caroldavison332
    caroldavison332 Posts: 864 Member
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    I am sorry that your spouse cheated on you and says hurtful things like he doesn't like you as a person. Consider going to a counselor to take care of your self and get yourself healthy. It doesn't make any difference if he doesn't want to go. In fact, it is telling. Hubby might be a jerk and you may decide to leave him. You want to be as emotionally healthy as possible to deal with this.

    Either way, someday you will be happy again.


    In the meantime, It's easier to act happy until you feel happy than wait until you feel happy.

    Eating for strength will help you body be healthy and feel strong. Please continue to do so. I am surprised at HOW HAPPY I FEEL WHEN I EAT WELL.

    Consider using your anger to promote an exercise routine.

    Hugs and kisses.
  • csuhar
    csuhar Posts: 779 Member
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    Ask him if he will go to marriage counseling with you. Even if he refuses, you can go yourself. Buy The Love Dare book and try to save your marriage.

    With all respect it's not generally possible to save a marriage with someone who "doesn't like you as a person". That said, I agree the OP should seek counselling.

    This is my gut feeling, too. This male in this scenario has done more than just say "I don't feel the spark, anymore". But you never know. Marriage counseling may help.

    Regardless of what path your marriage takes, OP, I think you would do well to seek out some counseling for yourself so that a professional can help you bandage the emotional wounds and keep them from getting worse.

    Consider using your anger to promote an exercise routine.

    This can also be a good idea. I find that, if I'm ever worked up emotionally in a manner that I need to release, venting it out in the gym does wonders.

    If your personal life is going to undergo a lot of change, it's an opportunity to try and make those changes as positive as possible and to try to convert losses into opportunities. It's not easy, but at least it's better than letting someone else's actions land you in a rut.
  • smelius22
    smelius22 Posts: 334 Member
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    Taking care of yourself is the best revenge there is to someone who has hurt you. Make a happy life for yourself, forgive and move on.

    ^^yep
  • tomomatic
    tomomatic Posts: 1,794 Member
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    Take half his stuff. Even the stuff you don't want.

    I'm sorry for you but he sounds like a major doosh canoe. He could've tried to fix things with you but he didn't. Instead he went outside of the relationship. He's not even trying to hide because he's busy making you think you did something wrong. There's two parts to this problem and he's not owning up to it. He sounds like he's blaming you. He's given up already and started pointing fingers. He can't be fixed because he doesn't think he's broken.

    Alimony, child support whatever. Take it all. You'll find someone else. Someone with more character. He didn't just cheat on you. He also cheated on his kids. No mercy.

    Thoughts and prayers to you and the kids.

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