Huge Emotional Setback

Briargrey

Regardless of weight, size, numbers on a scale, physical appearance, whatever, YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. Period. Full stop. So, you were with someone who decided you weren't worthy of at least respect. It is terrible, a big emotional drain, and a sucktastic thing to go through. Absolutely. It can be an absolute learning experience and a great gateway into a better, happier, more fulfilled you if you let it. Been there, done that.

You may need a counselor. It can help just to have someone to talk to that is being paid to actually frickin' listen to you and has the skills to give you advice and the experience of having seen this dozens if not hundreds of times Consider it, definitely. If he's willing and you want to try to rebuild, then go for it -- that's definitely your choice. It's not the choice I'd make, but that is a very personal question only you can answer. I'd recommend solo counseling even if you are going to try to work on the marriage, so that you have time alone with a counselor and can work out your own stuff without your husband as an audience. You can then have a different counselor for marriage stuff. Again, only if you choose it. I tried that route, despite knowing I couldn't stand to be with him any more, because of pressure from his church to 'think of the children' -- it was wrong for me and fortunately I figured that out quickly. May not be wrong for everyone though, but don't let external pressures make that choice.

If you want to get healthier at the same time you are going through this, I encourage you to do so. Just don't go TOO overboard and bite off more than you can chew and then feel like you failed and such. Also, a good secondary or tertiary reason for losing weight can definitely be to shove it in his face with how awesomely fit you are -- but don't make that your primary reason, otherwise you're just giving him too much power in your life, and he obviously doesn't deserve any power over you at all.

I was totally an emotional eater, and it is hard to get past that, especially when a bunch of other stuff was going on, but it is doable, and you are worth getting healthier. I got divorced at 27, had 4 kids under the age of 3, and went on to gain a ton of weight. I met the love of my life 12 years ago, and we've been together ever since, and the fact that I was 240 then or got up to 291 didn't matter in his love and attraction to me, because he loved the person I was. That person was tempered and shaped by the asshattery of my ex, and it took a bit, but I did choose early on not to let my anger toward the ex rule or control my life, I chose to be the better person and just be my OWN person. That gave me a comfort level and confidence in myself that was necessary in being on my own two feet, raising kids, and just learning to be happy and be me.

Work on you. Be the best you. And don't worry - you do come through these things. Battered, bruised, sometimes a bit fatter, sometimes a lot thinner, but you can come through and be stronger, better, more awesome, more confident, and all of that -- you just have to choose it.

Take some virtual hugs from me. You need them! ::hugs:: and go kick some self-actualizing butt

NRSPAM

I'm so sorry to hear that. What I would do? Retreat to my room, eat those cookies, have a good cry....and then, I would bust my a** in the gym and eat right, until I had a rockin' hot body, and show his a**!!! Then I would get a new man who also had a rockin' hot body, and was younger and hotter than him. Of course, this may not be the best advice, but that's what I would do! :happy:

MinMin97

Sorry, that is terrible! I can only imagine your grief!

Briargrey

Having said that though, I would be happily single if I hadn't met the current bloke. Anything is better than being with someone who sucks.

QFT. Exactly.

CharzieGirl

This sucks, and I'm really sorry to read this.

I know it can be difficult to get over an ended relationship, but you have to do what's good for you! A million bags of cookies won't solve your problems. In fact, they might add to them. I'm definitely NOT saying that you should feel guilty if you do give in and eat unhealthy for a while, but you might start experiencing these feelings.

Just focus on what's good in your life! Think of the future! It's always full of possibilities! It will be challenging to eat healthy, but you will feel SO much better in the end. Gather the support of your closest friends and family, and focus on you!

Also, I noticed you mentioned in your profile that you have two kids. Imagine what an inspiration you will be for your children if you can overcome this obstacle and avoid emotional eating! They will learn from you that nothing is impossible!

Good luck, I'm rooting for you! You can do this

otter090812

Let's be clear, you did not 'drive' him to this other woman. Grown-up, decent, human beings talk about their problems and try to solve them. If they feel it's unsalvageable then they gently and honestly say so and find the best way for both parties to exit the relationship. They do not simply go looking elsewhere and then blame the wronged party. Chin up hon, you deserve better.

ladybarometer

I don't know what your situation it or what the past is with your husband, but I do know this - I should have walked away the first time he cheated and left well enough along. Instead, I tried and tried for a number of years to salvage the relationship, and what did I get in return? I got cheated on again, and he continued his decline - not working, being on the computer all day chatting, reading, and looking at some "adult" material (and not the normal stuff, sick twisted stuff!). He said he loved me, never gave me a reason for the cheating, and eventually I just felt like he needed help that I could not give him - I was done. The first time he cheated I stayed in bed for 3 months, quit my job, I was devestated. The next time I was just angry, and after the cheating and other factors of emotional and sometimes physical abuse because he would get so uncontrolable at times... I couldnt do it anymore, and I was not sad about it because I had grieved so hard through the last year of our marriage that I cried all I could.

If he doesn't "like you as a person" or whatever, then no... I wouldn't go to counseling only because I wouldn't risk having to change who I am to keep someone who was not faithful and could just say something like that to me - the trust is broken... And although you may be able to forgive, you'll never forget.

I definitely know what you are feeling right now - take care of yourself. Once you feel up to it, you may discover things about you that you never knew! I actually chopped off the majority of my hair when I first left and I was also motivated to lose a lot of weight. Now I'm happier, in a healthy relationship, and things are great!

he... is on another marriage, and heading for another divorce.

jadethief

My heart goes out to you. I went through this in October of last year. I thought he was the love of my life and that we would grow old together. There are still days when I can't believe he left me. I found out he was cheating when he accidently texted a picture to me of him and the other woman. In bed.

I stuck with him through a disabling accident, drug addiction, and two prison terms. But now, he says he isn't "happy." And that it is my fault. But I realize now what a narcissist he is and that I deserve much better.

Believe me, it will get better for you. Don't isolate yourself from family and friends. Stay active and try things out of your comfort zone. There is light at the end of it all.

brenn24179

oh my, so painful. You wont believe it now but later on you will say it is the best thing that ever happened to me. Not one more day with this creep who doesn't deserve you . I have been thru it, for me it took my appetite which is weird because I usually eat over anything but I was young and wanted to look good and make my life good. Go and do the same, my husband was a drinker back then and now he has someone else to put up with his as# in his older years not me, thank goodness! I found me someone good!

Briargrey

Oh hey, finished reading other posts and noted that you have kids....definitely don't fall into the "stay together for the kids" bs trap that some people may shove on you. I have 4, they were 3, 2, 1, and 1 (actually I guess it was almost birthday time, so it was close to 4, 3, 2, and 2) at the time we split. They are 20, 19, 18, and 18 now. All 4 college-bound (or already in college), all 4 reasonably well-adjusted and awesome --- in large part because I was a happier person post-divorce and not a miserable mess trying to stick it out. So staying together for the kids is a stupid concept.

I treated the divorce like no big deal, just a new place to go see daddy at, and it was mostly fine. My ex is a bit of a nightmare and didn't work well with me on that, so of course, there were times of confusion or hurt feelings or just general upset for the kids. But, I looked at it this way -- they could either have a mother that was happy and divorced from their dad or miserable and still married. I figured happier = better mom = better raised kids.

I was right.

Sure, it's tough to do it, especially if the kids are older. I got lucky mine were so young, really, because I could just treat it as fun "Hey, look, here's where daddy lives now, cool huh!" My rule was never to badmouth their father (or stepmother or extended family, etc) in front of them or anywhere they may possibly be able to overhear or just tell from body language.

This is probably way beyond what you're ready to absorb now. So just come back to it later if it's relevant to you. LOL. Just don't fret about the kids -- if you handle it well in front of them, they'll be just fine

wonderwoman234

I highly recommend the website survivinginfidelity.com. It is a great support community for you.

You should know that when a spouse cheats it is usually about how they feel about themselves and often has little to do with the betrayed spouse.

People say really awful things when they get caught doing ****ty things. He is creating excuses so that he doesn't have to own his own *kitten*. It's in the cheater's playbook. Don't fall for it.

You are lovable and worthwhile, regardless if you are 240 lbs. or 140 lbs. Your husband had a responsibility to work out his issues while keeping his d!ck in his pants. You bear no responsibility for his ****ty coping skills, darlin'.

Get a compassionate counselor, preferably someone with a PdD in psychology (fewer quacks and higher quality generally speaking) who can help you figure out what YOU want.

In the meantime, feel free to add me to your friends list and message me any time.

Hugs to you. Things will get better.....trust me, I know.....

karenleona

Been there, done that. Know that it takes a looooong time to recover. Treat yourself well with a healthy diet and lots of exercise instead of eating junk. You will be better off in the long run. Counselling for YOU is important. It will get better. The hurt never leaves but you will be able to put it away at times.

LianaG1115

My marriage is ending. I found out my spouse wasn't faithful and to stick the knife in a little further, he doesn't 'like me as a persons' so he felt driven to look outside the relationship. I just feel like retreating to my bedroom with a million bags of cookies I need to find the motivation to take my life back and regain some self esteem!

and THAT should be your motivation to do this and succeed!! My ex boyfriend told me that i would never be able to get any of the weight off and that no one would love me like he did even if I was fat!! I dumped him, worked on myself, and here I am 57lbs and counting with a beautiful fiance by my side who has been very supportive of my endeavors!! Can't wait to run into his sorry lonely *kitten* someday just to stick it to him!! Anyways...girl this is your fuel, put those damn cookies down, mend your heart, surround yourself by beautiful people, family and friends, and use this as your tool to say, I am NOT gonna let some *kitten* bring me down!! Because if you do, they have won!! I have been there, I have lived it...and PS the cookies and crackers gave me gallstones!!

lwestmill

Whether or not you still want to try with your husband, start looking or a good divorce attorney...just in case. Doesn't hurt to be prepared.

Yes. Like she said! Have a good cry. Then pick yourself up, call a theropist and a good lawyer. A lawyer will see you for free for the first consult, usually. He will help you know your opitons. Do you have a friend that will help you focus? Im sure that you head is realing! You poor girl!

smallstuff76

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how you are feeling! 8 years ago this past October my Husband (now EX) tells me he wants a divorce. My world was turned upside down. We had 5 kids and our youngest was 6 months old. I begged, I pleaded. Promised I'd change, be who he wanted me to be. Do whatever he needed/wanted. Sad part is I would have...... But instead he packed up and left that December. I was a mess. Who would ever love me? What did I do wrong? Had this vision of a broken family and I didn't want that.

But you know what????? It was all a blessing in disguise! It was a struggle.. But I learned a lot. Biggest part is learning that I deserved better!

Fast forward 8+ years I am remarried to a wonderful man, have added 3 more children to my bunch. I now know what unconditional love feels like. He loves me at my worst and my very best. You deserve that too my dear. I don't have to change to fit a mold I just have to be me.

Now on the other hand My Ex is miserable. He left me for his old highschool sweetheart that found him on Classmates.com and she left him within a year. He hates that I was able to pick myself up and move on.

You are worth so much more and I know it is hard to see through all the darkness but I promise it does get easier. There is light at the end of all this. Ever want to talk or vent or cry send me a message.

nancybuss

I'm so sorry honey
<<HUGS>>

That is extremely difficult to go through. Although I found it was one time in my life I could barely eat.

He doesn't like Himself... and reflected that on you. Don't let his words be you, YOU Know You.

I recommend a workout program with kicking and punching!!!!! It can Really help relieve stress and you can so picture his face when you're punching. Its better than cookies Trust me.

LianaG1115

Oh hey, finished reading other posts and noted that you have kids....definitely don't fall into the "stay together for the kids" bs trap that some people may shove on you. I have 4, they were 3, 2, 1, and 1 (actually I guess it was almost birthday time, so it was close to 4, 3, 2, and 2) at the time we split. They are 20, 19, 18, and 18 now. All 4 college-bound (or already in college), all 4 reasonably well-adjusted and awesome --- in large part because I was a happier person post-divorce and not a miserable mess trying to stick it out. So staying together for the kids is a stupid concept.

I treated the divorce like no big deal, just a new place to go see daddy at, and it was mostly fine. My ex is a bit of a nightmare and didn't work well with me on that, so of course, there were times of confusion or hurt feelings or just general upset for the kids. But, I looked at it this way -- they could either have a mother that was happy and divorced from their dad or miserable and still married. I figured happier = better mom = better raised kids.

I was right.

Sure, it's tough to do it, especially if the kids are older. I got lucky mine were so young, really, because I could just treat it as fun "Hey, look, here's where daddy lives now, cool huh!" My rule was never to badmouth their father (or stepmother or extended family, etc) in front of them or anywhere they may possibly be able to overhear or just tell from body language.

This is probably way beyond what you're ready to absorb now. So just come back to it later if it's relevant to you. LOL. Just don't fret about the kids -- if you handle it well in front of them, they'll be just fine

Thank you!! I love this post!! I left mine when my babies were 6,5,3,and 2!! I couldn't do the let's stay together for the babies and fought long and hard to get where I am today! I look at their father now who "knocked" up another woman and married her because it was the right thing to do and he is miserable....so sorry for him, he should've given me the respect that us mothers deserve...such is life, I am in a better place and it sounds like you are too!!!

tomomatic

My mom is going through a break up right now with her cheating boy friend. It's sad because his kids and her (grownup) kids had just gotten to a point where we were referring to each other as siblings. He really screwed things up. Quite frankly, if I ever see him again, I might break him in half. He made my mom cry and that's not acceptable.

That being said, you must be going through a lot. Don't let him get away with assigning blame to you. A real man would've sought other avenues or tried. You were blindsided so I don't think he ever made any such gestures. You have some young ones that are looking to you to stay strong. If they were strong enough, I'm sure they'd kick their dad in the 'nads for you.

Forget the cookies. Hit a heavy bag. Get angry. (per my previous post, take all his stuff!) And if you feel like you need it, get some therapy. You can only handle so much on your own and I imagine that there's a lot to process right now. Surround yourself with friends. Thoughts and prayers to you.

19TaraLynn84

Stop right there! Put down the cookies!! The after-binge guilt will make you feel even worse. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I was there to go and get you out of the house and treat you to a spa day or something. Surround yourself with friends. Don't try to go through this alone. I can't offer you much since I don't know how you feel, but **hugs**.

Archerychickge

My 4 Divorce survival tips... because I've been there, done that...

1. Don't beat yourself up trying to figure out what he didn't like about you. That's his problem not yours.
2. Don't give up on healthy eating habits. They will make YOU feel better about yourself. It's worth it, but it won't happen overnight. Be patient with your body as it adjusts to it's new habits. Once you get started it snowballs.
3. Reward yourself. You are a survivor in the making. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect, but you have to value and respect yourself first. Start small. Put little affirmations up around the house, like on the bathroom mirror post a note that says "I am beautiful". Then do something to help yourself believe it, even it's just as small as putting on some lipgloss.
4. And this is probly the most important. Learn to identify as an idividual rather than just as part of a couple. Take up a new hobby, even if it's just walking, but do something that gives you something to focus on and will give you a chance to meet new people. It will help you figure out what's important to you as well.

Do those 4 things and you'll be surprised at how fast you bounce back and strat feeling like you can breathe again.

You can do it!