An off topic personal, strange question.

samiyan05

Hi

This is kind of weird for me but I'm gonna get personal here for a sec Bc this is driving me nuts and I need opinions... Don't worry. It won't gross you out but it might piss you off or disgust you in some aspects... Anyway... Here goes...

When I was 17 I had my gorgeous daughter (I know too young, blah blah life happens). About 6 months before that my beautiful niece was born! Her mom was 13 and my brother was 17 (I know... Ewwww... I'm looking super white trash right now right? Lol) when she was born. Needless to say, they had no clue how to be parents. And if it's not obvious my parents also had no clue. So I took on my niece as my own and when my daughter was born I practically had twins! I loved her and my daughter as if they both came from me and I was pretty awesome at the mom thing(especially given my age n where I came from). I finished school and worked and made sure they both had everything they needed. Life was okay.

Fast forward about 4 years and I get sick. I had masses on my brain n lost my job Bc of all the doctor appts and pain. Anyway I moved back in with my parents and my nieces mom became more prevalent in her life.
And honestly as quickly as she came back around, terrible things started happening. ( I do not and never had legal custody of my niece. She just lived with me until I got sick.)
Her mom would take her here and there and let her stay anywhere and my brother also took her from time to time and I couldn't legally say no. But then she was molested. And then it happened again. And I fought in court to get then out of her life but the court said the bad things that happened to her couldn't be the fault of her parents (even tho that stuff never happemed to her with me) . And they got to keep her, and keep destroying her and essemtially there was nothing I could do. Now since then many other terrible things have happened to her. And she acts out (more like she is experienced beyond her years) and is a bad influence on my daughter. Or more so, could be a bad influence in the future.

Now recently I moved away. About 2 hours away actually. I moved in with my fiance. Her mother has lost custody Bc of drugs and my mother has gotten temporary custody of my niece and my fiance thinks I should basically have nothing to do with my niece Bc she is bad for my daughter. Every time we plan anything my lil brother (who lives with my parents n my niece) is allowed to go but my niece isn't Bc he wants to limit my daughters exposure to my niece. My lil brother is allowed up to stay the night with us and my niece is not. While I understand his reasons, it kills me to think of how that makes her feel. I was her mom for 4 years and now I'm rejecting her? I understand that I have to put my daughters needs first but it literally destroys me to think that I'm letting my niece down. My fiance won't budge. His options are either see my lil brother and leave my niece or don't see either. It's just such a mess and I'm curious how other ppl would handle this situation Bc it's really driving me insane.......


Sorry about unloading my crazy life on you guys lol

Sinisterly

Got a summary of the question? .-.
Which of those paragraphs has the question? I want to answer, but at work atm.

arwacky

Last paragraph

That's a toughie!! I'm sorry to hear that but in the end I think you should do what makes you feel the most comfortable.

lyzmorrison

I agree with your fiancé.

_Krys10_

You said she was with your brother and then you said she was molested. Did your brother molest her bc that is what it led me to believe.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

The niece is 10? I don't see how a 10 year old could really be that bad of an influence under controlled supervised visits.

I'd have serious problems with my significant other dictating rules by when myself and my child MUST obey, especially in regards to seeing family members....

KrazyDaizy

She was like your child for how many years? Tell your fiance to back off. This is your family and, while you respect his opinion, if you let him start dictatating to you what you can and can't do now then it will never end. IMO.

Cait_Sidhe

No I do not think your fiance is in the right. Your niece is going through a lot and you are essentially her mother since you raised her. It sounds cruel and way too controlling for him to not allow her around. She needs you.

melissamarah

What does your mother have to say about all of this? Does she think you should intervene?

Can you all have a family get-together, maybe at your mom's place? Then maybe you could get some alone time with your niece and see how she is. Tell her your door is always open. Beyond this, I don't think there's anything you can do. I know it's heartbreaking. If she's in trouble, she might try to reach out to you. If not, you might have to drop it.

I'm just curious what your mom (who I assume might be the neutral party) thinks about all of this.

nomeejerome

This is a question that cannot be answered by the internet.

wanzik

I'm sure there's a lot more but I can't think of how anything would change the basic rule that your obligation is to protect your own child. Period. You have absolutely no control of anyone else or their children. I refer to the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

UsedToBeHusky

My first question is... Is your fiance your daughter's father?

Because if not, then he doesn't get to make those decisions.

Secondly, I think your fiance sounds a bit controlling. This is your family! Your niece is as much your family as your little brother and your own daughter.

I would advise you pushing your parents to get her into some therapy if they haven't already. And I would advise you to stand up to your fiance. He can't force you to choose between him and your family... that just isn't right.

Now, if he is your father's daughter, I would be inclined to suggest talking to him. He does have a right to protect his child the way that he sees fit. But, your niece can't help what has happened to her and shouldn't be punished for it. She needs all the love that she can get right now.

3P0X

This is a question that cannot be answered by the internet.

This^, no one here is really qualified to give you sound advice. Personally I feel you should honor your fiance's wishes and follow through.

royaldrea

You said she was with your brother and then you said she was molested. Did your brother molest her bc that is what it led me to believe.

Did you not read anything she said? She said that the court determined that it wasn't the fault of the parents. Even if he did that is totally irrelevant to her question.

OP - don't let another person decide how you rear your children. It's not your fiancé's decision, it's yours. If he has a problem with the decisions you make, then he can decide to stay or go. This is reasonable. It may be a difficult reality, because you love him (I assume), but it is yours. Your children, your decision.

That said, you should be vigilant. Your niece has been through a lot, unfortunately, and for this you must pay extra attention to the way she interacts with your daughter. It is not your fiancé's decision to make, but his reasoning may have some merit (we don't know the whole story).

Think carefully about the role you play in your niece's life and the role she plays in your life, don't let your emotions rule the day.

I hope everything works out.

Blacklance36

You said she was with your brother and then you said she was molested. Did your brother molest her bc that is what it led me to believe.

Me too??

lq022

First off, I think this situation would be best handled with the help of a therapist for all parties involved. It seems like you all have been through some pretty traumatic events in your life and maybe benefit from an outside person who is trained to help people in this situation. However, I understand that you are seeking outside opinions by asking MFP, so I will try my best to help.

Morally, it should not be up to your fiance to tell you what to do concerning a girl you took care of for part of her life, especially when it seems that she was not brought up in the ideal situation after she left your house. With that being said, watching out for your daughter is your number 1 priority. If I were in this situation, I would go see your niece at your mothers house without your daughter or fiance, and try to talk with her. Let her know that you want to be apart of her life, but that she needs to realize that she can't act the way she has been. She may just need some guidance from someone who she sees as a caretaker and as someone that wants to help. Ultimately, if this girl is going to go down the wrong path, then she will do it no matter how much of a good example is infront of her. Unfortunately, you're still just the aunt who doesn't have too much say in the matter legally, therefore, all you can do is try your best in the situation to steer the girl on the right path. I think thats more important than having her and your daughter have a relationship. She doesn't need a playmate, she needs concrete guidance. I really wish you well on this situation .... it is not an easy hand you've been dealt! Goodluck!

UsedToBeHusky

The niece is 10? I don't see how a 10 year old could really be that bad of an influence under controlled supervised visits.

I'd have serious problems with my significant other dictating rules by when myself and my child MUST obey, especially in regards to seeing family members....

I didn't see where she stated how old the kids are, but at 10 yo, there is lots of time to correct her behavior. It seems really cruel to deem someone to be unworthy of her own family at 10 years old. She is just a child. If she were in her teens, I might be more concerned, but the fiance is being a total **** to a kid that has been victimized.

OP - You have to decide what you want, but I personally think I would dump this guy and take care of my family. I feel as if he is just using your niece and the possibility of her corrupting your daughter as an excuse to keep your from your family. My opinion, however, is based solely on this post.

dayone987

I'm assuming that the kids are 10 as your profile says you are 127.

First of all, I think it is great that you stepped in to love and take care of your niece while you were still very young yourself.

I don't see why your fiance won't let you see your niece. It might be different if you were asking that she move in, but to say your daughter can't have any contact with her cousin seems very controlling to me.

Your niece needs people in her life that love her and care about her. I get the part about a possible bad influence on your daughter, but I assume there will be adults around during the times you would be spending time with her.

I agree with the other posters re: the family needs some sort of therapy.

maab_connor

so... let me see if I have this right...

your niece is 10. she has been sexually abused for at least 4 years (but sounds like it could have been six, I'm unclear as to how old she was when she was removed from the abusive situation) . and your fiancé doesn't want her around b/c he's worried she'll "be a bad influence" on your daughter, who is the same age.

do I have that right?

let me ask you a question: do you want to spend you life with someone who would victim blame a CHILD?

the whole family needs to step up right now. this girl was failed when the courts gave her to her parents. I'm sure they had a whole slew of legal reasons, and it made sense to them at the time. but the fact is, she was handed over legally to a situation where she was sexually abused for years.

this is not her fault. that is the primary thing to remember. this was done to her. she WILL need therapy, and a lot of it. and so will your family - b/c this kind of history fractures families.

this is not her fault and she is to be protected now. whether that's with you or with your mom, I can't begin to tell you. but I can tell you this, that you guys need to come together to be the bard-all shield around her, to give this baby time to heal (mentally, physically and emotionally).

As far as your own daughter, I can't tell you what kind of relationship here is healthier for her. or for either of them. but I can tell you that you and your kid are going to need to talk about stuff that you would prefer to protect her from. that she needs to understand that this cousin - who she might still look at as a sister b/c of the early-childhood imprinting - was hurt by a terrible person.

throwing a victim to the wolves is never the right answer. and rarely is segregating children from their peers the right thing. but that's something that only a therapist can answer.

but just... think about that question I asked you.

mccindy72

She's 10. She's acting out because her life, basically, has sucked for the last six years. Isolating her is not the answer. Whatever example she sets for your daughter, your parenting and discussions with your daughter are what should guide her actions. Don't hurt the girl further in a life that has already damaged her. She's not beyond saving.