An off topic personal, strange question.
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I'm in a similar situation, only I take the role played by your fiance. There are 2 children in my extended family that my kids are absolutely not allowed to be around. Period. Other family members choose to look away instead of making difficult decisions, saying things like "Maybe it will be ok in a neutral location" or "we wouldn't want to upset so-and-so by saying the kdis aren't allowed at certain events" or "It's not their fault they act the way they do. They were born on drugs" etc... Bottom line is that they are capable of being violent and don't understand or acknowledge the consequences of their actions. They will hurt someone someday, and I will do whatever it takes for it to not be my children.
Do you have any idea how many children could fit that description in your school? Are you going to go research the life stories of every child your children ever interact with?
My daughter has Asperger's and actually meets your description "capable of being violent and don't understand or acknowledge the consequences of their actions."
You are basically demonizing children with disabilities and victims of crime. Your children are not going to go through life without interacting with people like this. You certainly aren't teaching your children to empathize with the less fortunate.0 -
I'm really trying to follow this. I am.
Why can't you see your niece but not bring your daughter? It sounds like he is not her bio dad but is the father figure in her life. I would even say, bring your daughter but don't have them hang out alone.
It seems like your niece doesn't have a stable person involved in her life except you. This child would probably need some type of therapy...anything. Is there a school counselor where she goes, a social worker, any type of child adovcate? You will be limited in what information you can receive but I couldn't imagine not at least trying to get her some help. I would hope that your parents or your nieces parents wouldn't prevent her from getting what she needs.
It would be difficult, but if you truly want to try to get custody you could get an attorney and try to go to court. The court may appoint a guardian ad litem who would be a third party and would look into what is the best interest of the child. This would be expensive, but still an option.
I can see her without my daughter but I live 2 hours away so justifying a trip to see my niece without my daughter to both my daughter and my niece without saying "Bc you're not allowed around each other" isn't the easiest thing to do. I do see her. I planned her last birthday party. I go to family functions and things. The issue is that I can't be a solid, productive part of her life just seeing her here and there. I want her around more. So I can help her. That's where issues arise
I'm not your fiance, but I'm struggling to see how, as long as you don't leave them alone together, she could be this horrible influence on your daughter. It seems to me she needs stability and structure (as well as therapy), and being in a functioning household would be good for her.
This is NOT at all the same. At all. But my 12 year old stepson now lives with us full time and just started seeing his mom again. It has been all over the board as far as how often he sees his mom throughout his life. The most recent issue happened a little over a year ago where his mom and her boyfriend were having problems, problems that involved police, CPS got involved, my husband got the school counselor involved, etc. His mom would go weeks without seeing him. Lately it was months. Obviously his school work, and behavior in and out of school was affected. It was challenging sometimes to have him in the house. In addition to the added problems, he was a pre teen. But over time, and making sure we had consistent rules, expectations for him, and having him almost 100% helped his behavior. The school counselor has also helped, even though my stepson doesn't really like doing the "counseling thing".0 -
Hi
This is kind of weird for me but I'm gonna get personal here for a sec Bc this is driving me nuts and I need opinions... Don't worry. It won't gross you out but it might piss you off or disgust you in some aspects... Anyway... Here goes...
When I was 17 I had my gorgeous daughter (I know too young, blah blah life happens). About 6 months before that my beautiful niece was born! Her mom was 13 and my brother was 17 (I know... Ewwww... I'm looking super white trash right now right? Lol) when she was born. Needless to say, they had no clue how to be parents. And if it's not obvious my parents also had no clue. So I took on my niece as my own and when my daughter was born I practically had twins! I loved her and my daughter as if they both came from me and I was pretty awesome at the mom thing(especially given my age n where I came from). I finished school and worked and made sure they both had everything they needed. Life was okay.
Fast forward about 4 years and I get sick. I had masses on my brain n lost my job Bc of all the doctor appts and pain. Anyway I moved back in with my parents and my nieces mom became more prevalent in her life.
And honestly as quickly as she came back around, terrible things started happening. ( I do not and never had legal custody of my niece. She just lived with me until I got sick.)
Her mom would take her here and there and let her stay anywhere and my brother also took her from time to time and I couldn't legally say no. But then she was molested. And then it happened again. And I fought in court to get then out of her life but the court said the bad things that happened to her couldn't be the fault of her parents (even tho that stuff never happemed to her with me) . And they got to keep her, and keep destroying her and essemtially there was nothing I could do. Now since then many other terrible things have happened to her. And she acts out (more like she is experienced beyond her years) and is a bad influence on my daughter. Or more so, could be a bad influence in the future.
Now recently I moved away. About 2 hours away actually. I moved in with my fiance. Her mother has lost custody Bc of drugs and my mother has gotten temporary custody of my niece and my fiance thinks I should basically have nothing to do with my niece Bc she is bad for my daughter. Every time we plan anything my lil brother (who lives with my parents n my niece) is allowed to go but my niece isn't Bc he wants to limit my daughters exposure to my niece. My lil brother is allowed up to stay the night with us and my niece is not. While I understand his reasons, it kills me to think of how that makes her feel. I was her mom for 4 years and now I'm rejecting her? I understand that I have to put my daughters needs first but it literally destroys me to think that I'm letting my niece down. My fiance won't budge. His options are either see my lil brother and leave my niece or don't see either. It's just such a mess and I'm curious how other ppl would handle this situation Bc it's really driving me insane.......
Sorry about unloading my crazy life on you guys lol
I was the 'good girl' of the family and I had a cousin who was 6 weeks younger than me who had a pretty crappy home life and 'acted out' quite often. We spent much of our childhood together and now consider each other sisters (we're 51 now). My parents didn't like the way she acted and worried about her influence on me but allowed me to hang out with her anyway. Being around my cousin and her family taught me that good people get hurt in life and that those hurts cause pain and torment in an otherwise wonderful person's life (plus gave me a huge appreciation for my own parents). I have a great deal of compassion and grace for people as a result of my relationship with her. There have been times in her life that I was the only person in our family that had contact with her. Oh, and when my cousin was 15 she ran away from home and my very loving grandmother took her in and finished raising her. Her life hasn't been perfect but she's told me that my grandma and I saved her life.
My point is, your daughter will be fine because YOU love her and are teaching her how to live, love and relate to people. Banishing your niece only says to both of the girls that damaged people don't matter and aren't worthy of our time and attention. Your fiance' is wrong in judging your niece and assuming that having her around would harm your daughter. He sounds very selfish and honestly I would re-evaluate whether or not you should marry someone who can't have compassion for a 10 year old child.0 -
My thought is your fiance should respect you enough and your decisions that if you want to have a relationship with your neice than do so. If he doesn't want your guys daughter around her then you see your neice on your own time. That way you are respecting his feelings on the matter and you still get to have a relationship with your neice. I would never let a guy, fiance or not, tell me I could not spend time with a child I basically raised for four years.0
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I watched my neice for the first year of her life. To me, she is like my daughter. She knows that I am not her mom, but we have a special bond. I was there for her poopy diapers, her feedings, her first words, walking, crawling, the whole nine yards. If something like this happened to her, I would be there for her no matter what. (If I didn't end up in jail first for torturing the SOB that did it to her). It would not matter what my fiance has to say. As time goes by, your heart break will turn in to bitterness against him, especially if more things happen to her that you could have prevented, and then your bitterness will turn in to anger and eventually hatred toward him. You might not feel as though he is dictating your life right now, but you will eventually if it is very bothersome to you. I would explain it to him like this:
"I understand your feelings and thoughts on the issue. However, if this happened to your niece or nephew who you had a special connection with (insert the name of the person he is close with), and I told you that I did not want you to see them because they could have a bad influence on my daughter, how would you feel? She needs my love and understanding. This does not mean that my daughter has to be near her right now, but my niece needs my help. She needs to get better and needs to heal. The best way to do that is through love and support from the one stable thing in her life, me. I love her and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. I love her because she is my daughter, emotionally. Maybe not biologically, but emotionally she is. Or, what if it was my daughter, and this happened to her? Would you think it fair that she be shunned by others within the family because they were afraid that she would be a negative influence on them? If you cannot understand my heart and where I stand on this, then how can you expect us to live a long, happy and healthy life together? Your decision is hurting me mentally and emotionally. It is causing me depression, and I don't want to have to choose one daughter over another. I will respect your wishes. However, just realize that your decision is killing me emotionally and breaking my spirit"0 -
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Cliff Notes version, someone. Please.0
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There is never an easy answer ...especially when it comes to family. I don't know how you feel about counseling...maybe they could help you make a decision that you are comfortable with...it sounds like it will take a lot of hard-work but I'[m sure in the end it will all work out. Everyone makes decisions that are good for them at different times in their lives and they need to stand by them and not beat themselves up over it... Stay strong. You will do what you need to do..0
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Cliff Notes version, someone. Please.
I don't understand why you bother posting if you can't be bothered to read it??0
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