A question for all you MEN!!!!!! (From a chick)

xoalyssaox

UGH You guys make me so mad!!!! (LOL)


Why do guys ask woman out on dates and then go on two dates and plan a third date, and then tell me (I mean the girl) that you don't want a relationship? Why the heck did you ask me out in the first place, and then say your not ready for a relationship??? This is the third time this has happened to me in a year since I left my husband.. Is there something wrong with ME?


Just trying to figure you men out. Be honest!!!!

rml_16

I'm not a man, but I wonder if you're getting a little too clingy too fast? I mean, two dates does not a relationship make, so it's odd that a guy would even think to say that.

Plus, I've found, "I'm not looking for a relationship" to mean, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you."

I'd need more info, but my guess is either you're meeting messed up men or you're coming on too strong somehow.

daj150

Ah, so happy I don't have to worry about this stuff anymore. Just a FYI, women are just as bad. But to answer your question, it's a fear of commitment or just guys not interested in relationships, but rather a "friends with benefits" scenario. If you really want to get the details on these types of personalities, I suggest going to health sites and reading up on the psychology and relationship sections. In all honesty, it also depends on where you are going to hang out, where you generally get picked up by guys, the types of friends you hang out with, the appearance of your friends, and many other factors. Also, don't forget that your personality and appearance have a lot to do with how a guy will have first impressions. If you are on the more risqué side of attire or overly flirty, then you may be giving off the wrong signal. Same goes if you seem too eager when a guy tries to pick you up. I hate to say this, but learning basic psychology makes a huge difference in social situations. If you are looking for a relationship, it's very tough, and you will probably go through a lot more of the same situation before you find that relationship you are looking for. Good luck, it sucks for men and women alike.

Voncreepy2

Where are you meeting these men? Maybe you should try meeting someone in a different setting. It is so hard, I know. Good luck to you.

xoalyssaox

I have known the guy since kindergarten and I am now 23. so that means 18 years. We had drink and a movie the first date, second went to the beach and looked at the stars.. (Honestly thats what we did. lol)....and Monday we are supposed to go to Dinner and a movie....

Yeah I told him I am not looking for a relationship either. But don't know any more....

Ah, so happy I don't have to worry about this stuff anymore. Just a FYI, women are just as bad. But to answer your question, it's a fear of commitment or just guys not interested in relationships, but rather a "friends with benefits" scenario. If you really want to get the details on these types of personalities, I suggest going to health sites and reading up on the psychology and relationship sections. In all honesty, it also depends on where you are going to hang out, where you generally get picked up by guys, the types of friends you hang out with, the appearance of your friends, and many other factors. Also, don't forget that your personality and appearance have a lot to do with how a guy will have first impressions. If you are on the more risqué side of attire or overly flirty, then you may be giving off the wrong signal. Same goes if you seem too eager when a guy tries to pick you up. I hate to say this, but learning basic psychology makes a huge difference in social situations. If you are looking for a relationship, it's very tough, and you will probably go through a lot more of the same situation before you find that relationship you are looking for. Good luck, it sucks for men and women alike.

thomasmarnold

Guys are Scum, take it from one of the oldest scums there ever was. I am happily married now for the last 15 years but before I was married I was a total scum bag. Most guys are out there for one thing and one thing only. This is a family show so I will let you guess what that one thing is. You are a beautiful, young lady, if by date 3 they are not getting what they want from you, they throw out the "I'm not looking for a relationship" card. That is exactly what I did and all of my friends did. It was the easist way to either get her to give it, or get out of the way and on to the next one. I am sorry to put it that way but that is just how guys are. Now if you are "givin it" (which you don't seem like the kinda girl who would be) and they are still telling you that, than I am stumped. LOL..... But if you are not givin it, that is probably the reason. Also, guys around your age are scared to death about girls w/kids. you said you have a 2 year old. That could also be the reason. The saying goes "Hey Mother, want another?" but in reality, a 20 somthing guy is scared of kids and women with kids. I hope this helps. It probably hurts more than it helps but I am just trying to give you a mans point of view. Friend me and we can talk more.

LainMac

I am woman but let me float some guesses. Men don't always date to find a gal to be in a relationship with..

It could mean, that the dude was looking for a "fun disposable chickie" to have fun with/no strings attached and after two dates he realizes that you are woman of substance would NOT let a guy play her that way.

Also, dating is a process in which to know people better. So unless your dates were long time friends, then maybe you weren't compatible. Doesn't mean you are not a nice gal, but just not the gal for that guy. I'll bet sometime in the future, you'll find a guy who likes you but after a few dates, you won't be "feeling it" from him either.

Lastly, as newly separated/divorced gal (anything under 2 years IMHO should be consider "newly:), you need to take these early dates very, very, very slowly anyway. If a guys says "No thanks" after 2 dates., be happy that he hasn't wasted much of your time.

rml_16

I have known the guy since kindergarten and I am now 23. so that means 18 years. We had drink and a movie the first date, second went to the beach and looked at the stars.. (Honestly thats what we did. lol)....and Monday we are supposed to go to Dinner and a movie....

Yeah I told him I am not looking for a relationship either. But don't know any more....

Hmmm ... Well, either you said something you shouldn't have, he's a jerk or he really, really likes you and it scares him.

Very odd.

But being that young, for a lot of people, they just want to play the field and live a little before settling down.

TropicalKitty

You're 23. Boys are dumb. Simple. They still want to play at that age...shoot I still wanted to play at that age (and sometimes now I still do eventhough I love my bf dearly).

Anyway, really, you have to look at the person you are dating and what you are doing. If you've known him for the past 18years, he's probably being honest with you that he's not wanting you to get attached (for whatever his reasons are). But by no means lie to him that you don't want a relationship if you really want one. The biggest thing in growing up and dating in the adult world is being honest with yourself and who you are. Don't play silly games and recognize when *kitten* ain't gonna work. You were with your hubby obviously at a young age, so you still have a lot to learn. And I'm not trying to be mean at all.

Don't be mad that he said he doesn't want a relationship. Stay friends if you want to and move on. There are so many other guys out there that DO want relationships. Maybe you need to take some time out and figure yourself out, then you can find the guy that is right for you.

Dating is a learning process and it's not always easy. Good luck!

ZebraHead

I'll step in it.

IMHO:

All mushy stuff ahead:

Ships pass in the night sometimes they take the same course for awhile and then go there own way, sometimes they stay together to the final destination.
As they say there is someone for everyone. But not everyone is for you. You will find him when you are not looking for him.
Humans have this thing about rejection, and I have (as everyone) felt the sting of rejection. Your 'man' is out there, you will find him when you’re not looking.
Don't worry about these 'missed opportunities' they were probably not the ones anyway. You don’t get to pick who you truly fall in love with, it will just happen.

End mushy stuff.

And just too clear things up: men are not very complex, they either want sex, or are figuring out how to get sex. Some men are pigs but even the ones who aren’t are all base creatures. Men are afraid of the trappings of relationships. This statement holds true in relationships too I think: “The fear of loss is greater than the desire for gain”. If a man is fearful of losing what he has that will drive him more than the desire to be in a relationship. The one that decides you are worth overcoming that fear of loss to be with is the one you will connect with in the end.

Be kind to yourself. :flowerforyou:

LilynEdensmom

Not a guy but like I told my oldest daughter, boys (men in this case) are annoying :P and sometimes very dumb (no offense) guys.
And you are still young, I found at that age, when guys would tell me that, they either really didn't want a relationship with me, or they were just looking to hook up.
Hang in there you'll find someone.

RoadDog

I proposed to my wife on our third date. I haven't got a clue.

alantin

You left your husband, are going through the divorce at the moment, and are looking for a relationship that hard already?

If I was looking for a relationship, I would find that a bit intimidating..

atynk

As a movie once told me maybe "he's just not that into you" ? and most guys instead of just saying that, say other stupid stuff like " I don't want a relationship" so they have an easy out..
Don't stress, there are lots of guys out there, and you constantly need to tell yourself you are a keeper and if a guys says he doesn't want a relationship- good to know on date 2 instead of 15! Onto the next one lol

sallyLunn

Tell him you don't want a relationship either and then quit answering the phone for a while. Either he'll go away or he'll keep pestering you. Either way, you win.

TheNewJessieMae

I proposed to my wife on our third date. I haven't got a clue.

Awwwwww.

RoadDog

Tell him you don't want a relationship either and then quit answering the phone for a while. Either he'll go away or he'll keep pestering you. Either way, you win.

Gotta disagree. Don't believe in playing games. Be honest. Let things progress naturally. Might take a while, but dangling a carrot or stick out there doesn't work. You're either both heading in the same direction or your not. The right person for you might not be the next one...or the next one...or the next one. Relax and have some fun. Don't put pressure on him or yourself.

Good Luck. There's nothing wrong with you.

SpaceMarkus

Some guys just like to date. Especially while they're young. My neighbor was in a relationship for 6 years that ended pretty badly, so all he's done for the past 5 years is date. He doesn't want to settle down. He stays friends with most girls, but is just out to have fun.

There's nothing wrong with these girls, he likes them all. His mind is just not on settling down right now.

Voncreepy2

I agree with roaddog no games. It just prolongs the inevetable. Also guys just take longer to "mature". I feel like my husband is my 4th kid. They take longer to want what we want. And it does take a special man to take on a woman with kids but he is out there. Wait for him. Good luck to you girl. Just another frog you kiss to get to that Prince.

RoadDog

I agree with roaddog no games. It just prolongs the inevetable. Also guys just take longer to "mature". I feel like my husband is my 4th kid. They take longer to want what we want. And it does take a special man to take on a woman with kids but he is out there. Wait for him. Good luck to you girl. Just another frog you kiss to get to that Prince.

My wife had two daughters when I met her. Two little girls -- 7 and 5. They are now 27 and 25. I love them as much as the 16 yr old we had together. If your having children is a factor, then he is not the man for you.

Btw, I notice a lot more women answering this question for MEN. Women have no more clue about the inner minds of men, than men do of women. It's a wonderful mystery. I don't want to solve it.

rml_16

I agree with roaddog no games. It just prolongs the inevetable. Also guys just take longer to "mature". I feel like my husband is my 4th kid. They take longer to want what we want. And it does take a special man to take on a woman with kids but he is out there. Wait for him. Good luck to you girl. Just another frog you kiss to get to that Prince.

My wife had two daughters when I met her. Two little girls -- 7 and 5. They are now 27 and 25. I love them as much as the 16 yr old we had together. If your having children is a factor, then he is not the man for you.

Btw, I notice a lot more women answering this question for MEN. Women have no more clue about the inner minds of men, than men do of women. It's a wonderful mystery. I don't want to solve it.

I think women who have been around the block enough times have enough experience (and many of us have a lot of male friends who have given us good insight) to have an idea of what may be going on. We're not idiots. :-)

As for women with children, well, I had my daughter when I was 17. I have never had a problem finding men who wanted to date me, even when I was that young. If there were men who didn't ask me out because of it, I don't know who they were and I didn't miss them. It's never been an issue (I'm 33 now).

RoadDog

Just a side note-- I have three daughters and a wife. 2 Granddaughters. 2 Sisters. 3 Sister-in-Laws. 4 nieces. My boss is a woman.

I am surrounded by women and I still don't have a freakin' clue.

TateFTW

God I love being married. I was never good at the dating thing and am quite happy I don't have to think about it any more.

For the record, everyone's mind is complex. Men's thoughts aren't complex, but the way they work together is. I know for me, the only thing that comes in when figuring out if I like a girl is "She's kind of cool, and pretty hot/cute." There's nothing more. No over-thinking about the future, because why should one think about the future when the first date hasn't even happened? That's a man. He'd not simple minded, he just thinks efficiently. Thats why it might take a couple dates for him to really think about what this could eventually be. Women think about that stuff all the time. My wife thinks about everything that could possibly ever happen, and then gets worried about the consequences of things that haven't even happened yet. It's kind of annoying for someone like me who tends to stay more in the here and now. Men, I think, tend to let things flow more naturally, as opposed to forcing things or over-thinking everything.

ZebraHead

Just a side note-- I have three daughters and a wife. 2 Granddaughters. 2 Sisters. 3 Sister-in-Laws. 4 nieces. My boss is a woman.

I am surrounded by women and I still don't have a freakin' clue.

Amen to that...:drinker:

JStarnes

Just a side note-- I have three daughters and a wife. 2 Granddaughters. 2 Sisters. 3 Sister-in-Laws. 4 nieces. My boss is a woman.

I am surrounded by women and I still don't have a freakin' clue.

:laugh: Gotta love honesty!

TropicalKitty

I agree with roaddog no games. It just prolongs the inevetable. Also guys just take longer to "mature". I feel like my husband is my 4th kid. They take longer to want what we want. And it does take a special man to take on a woman with kids but he is out there. Wait for him. Good luck to you girl. Just another frog you kiss to get to that Prince.

My wife had two daughters when I met her. Two little girls -- 7 and 5. They are now 27 and 25. I love them as much as the 16 yr old we had together. If your having children is a factor, then he is not the man for you.

Btw, I notice a lot more women answering this question for MEN. Women have no more clue about the inner minds of men, than men do of women. It's a wonderful mystery. I don't want to solve it.

I think women who have been around the block enough times have enough experience (and many of us have a lot of male friends who have given us good insight) to have an idea of what may be going on. We're not idiots. :-)

As for women with children, well, I had my daughter when I was 17. I have never had a problem finding men who wanted to date me, even when I was that young. If there were men who didn't ask me out because of it, I don't know who they were and I didn't miss them. It's never been an issue (I'm 33 now).

It may be a question for men, but the situation is pretty common that most women who have dated have encountered. It's a simple situation, he said he's not up for a relationship, end of story. So why is there need for a discussion on the mind of men? I really don't understand why we do this.

There's so much bs out there about dating and all the blah blah that would be so much simpler if we all (especially us chicks) would stop over analysing the situation. And that holds true in relationships not of the romantic kind too. What happens between people is really simple, but we'd hate to admit that because we don't want to face the reality (like our faults or saying bye) or miss out on a great book opportunity.

But hey I'm a cynic. There's more people out there. Why do people think they have to click with everyone they meet?! It's liberating once you realize you don't.

nolachick

“The fear of loss is greater than the desire for gain”. If a man is fearful of losing what he has that will drive him more than the desire to be in a relationship. The one that decides you are worth overcoming that fear of loss to be with is the one you will connect with in the end.

Be kind to yourself. :flowerforyou:

WOW! this is the best advice I've ever heard. this is exactly what I needed to hear.

jackpotclown

Ok coming from someone who just got married (that's right, committed lol), I'll tell you to look at it a bit differently.....he did you a favor of not wasting any more of your time. It was going nowhere for whatever reason, and the reason itself doesn't matter. There can be a million different possibilities (oh, she has a kid omg, oh geez she's wanting to move too fast, or just because we're going on a date means we're automatically in a relationship......he could be childish and want to play stupid games, or just cruisin for a hookup.....does it really matter?) The fact is you are who you are, and you're going to find someone who likes who you are.....good, bad, whatever. In the meantime, remind yourself that you're the prize, so there's no need to try fitting a square peg in a round hole, ok?

LainMac

It may be a question for men, but the situation is pretty common that most women who have dated have encountered. It's a simple situation, he said he's not up for a relationship, end of story. So why is there need for a discussion on the mind of men? I really don't understand why we do this.

Now that is profound. Excellent advice, Tropicalkitty. You are wise for one so young.

nolachick

Ok coming from someone who just got married (that's right, committed lol), I'll tell you to look at it a bit differently.....he did you a favor of not wasting any more of your time. It was going nowhere for whatever reason, and the reason itself doesn't matter. There can be a million different possibilities (oh, she has a kid omg, oh geez she's wanting to move too fast, or just because we're going on a date means we're automatically in a relationship......he could be childish and want to play stupid games, or just cruisin for a hookup.....does it really matter?) The fact is you are who you are, and you're going to find someone who likes who you are.....good, bad, whatever. In the meantime, remind yourself that you're the prize, so there's no need to try fitting a square peg in a round hole, ok?

ahhh i have heard this a lot. while excellent advice its much easier said than done especially for women.

xoalyssaox

I left my husband 15 months ago. The Florida divorce system is just REALLLLLY slow. I think 15 months is enough time to start dating...?

You left your husband, are going through the divorce at the moment, and are looking for a relationship that hard already?

If I was looking for a relationship, I would find that a bit intimidating..